do I confess?

[terry81]

Hi,

I am a 40 year old guy, married with one child. I need to get some advice on whether or not I need to confess an indiscretion to my wife.

6 months ago, whilst working away I logged onto an adult chatroom webcam thingy. I don;t know why I did this - never done it before, or since. I didn't show my face or anything 'intimate - might have seen my chest but nothing else'. I also didn't 'chat' 'talk'or interact beyond saying "hi". I guess I was just taking a look out of curiosity. I admit that I did find the taboo element of it a bit appealing, however I feel disgusted now.

My marriage is good. I love my wife and we have a happy life. I am not looking for anyone to berate me - I have done that myself for the last 6 months. I just want to know if I should tell my wife what I did.

Part of my thinks that honesty is always best, but then I also feel guilty for wanting to burden her with my guilt.

I have NEVER cheated on my wife in real life, nor would I ever. I will sometimes look at porn when working away for long periods, but I appreciate that this is different to webcam/chat stuff.

Do I confess or do I accept that I screwed up and move on without saying anything?

FGS, keep your mouth shut. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling her.

Yawn- you are so disgusted at your behaviour you had to make it public and get attention.....

Even if this is true, the creepier part is posting on here about it 🤔

I haven't made it public as you don't actually know who I am ! It's not as though I have posted my name, address and profile picture!

Does she know about your porn use? How do you think she would react if you told her about the webcam?

I think you need to base your decision on how your wife would feel, rather than how you feel about being burdened by the guilt.

If you think she would appreciate your honesty and be reassured by the fact you feel so terrible, you wouldn't do the same again or worse, then tell her.

If you think it would make her upset and anxious, then don't.

In short, make this about your wife's feelings, not about your own feelings of guilt.

So whilst working away, you showed your chest to a few people on webcam?

Ffs don't tell her. Not worth hurting her over nothing.

She has made reference to me looking at porn in the past, but we have never actually discussed it. I get the impression that she just assumes that I do. She has never expressed any concerns over porn etc.

Nothing really happened for you to feel guilty about. But stay away from this sort of thing; next time you could take it further and then there will be problems!

I’m a bit confused... you showed your chest to who? Why bother if you’re not “ playing” online? What were you watching ? I’m obviously familiar with watching cam girls and I’m familiar with the idea of cyber sex and sex acts on web cam between mutually agreeable parties but I can’t really envisage a scenario where you’d go on a web cam to just show your chest and do nothing else

The cam was pointing at my chest. I just 'watched' if that makes sense - don't want to give specific details.

Ok well I’m not quite sure why you needed to be on cam but hey- no one died right? ( can we assume that?). You were curious, you had a look. Now you don’t feel very good about it so it seems you’re not likely to do it again. I wouldn’t mention it if I were you. The morality police on here will tell you to confess all to your wife and let her decide whether she carries on the marriage - this would be a massive over reaction as far as I’m concerned. Leave well alone.

Oh dear, don’t tell her.

Personally I think you should examine why you did it and why you think it bothered you and then tell her. There is a crack in your relationship you need to fix behind why you did it. Also, if she ever finds out then she’ll be wondering why you kept this a secret.

SpiritedLondonn has given you good advice.

We have all done things in our lives that are not always right but knowing it is a lesson learnt.

It would only hurt her to know, just don’t do it again, you didn’t cheat you just got curious. Maybe be more honest about sexual stuff with her in future before it gets to this stage again

How does telling her, help or benefit your dw? It doesn’t.

The only reason you would tell her is to create some unnecessary drama, to hurt her, to attention seek or to open a conversation because you want to do it again.

Just put it out of your mind. Or find another way to open a conversation.

So you were watching another female in real time stripping or doing sexual things specifically for you to watch? Yep, to me that's cheating and i'd leave you if i was your wife.

Personally, if my husband said hello, watched, and gained sexual pleasure from a woman on a live webcam who was performing sexually for him, I would consider that cheating. I would consider that to be betraying me in “real life.”

I would hope that he would tell me because I deserve to know the truth about what is happening in my own marriage. Not telling me would be lying by omission.

I hope you will really think about why the taboo element was so appealing that you were able to cross the line so easily. You are very remorseful, so I’m sure that you have now put up strong boundaries to keep yourself from repeating.

It sounds like you feel bad enough. Learn from it though, your guilty feelings are there to serve their own purpose.
The porn thing.. Just watch out for that as I have seen it become addictive for a partner and that can feel like betrayal too, if it replaces sex in a relationship. Just my observations.

Don't tell her. And don't do it again.

Are you minimising?

No, I don’t think you should tell your wife. She’s the one that would then be worrying every time you work away. Just accept you did something which you are scared of telling your wife. Accept that was a decision you made, take responsibility for it.

Personally, as a one off something you did because you were curious, it wouldn’t bother me. You said ‘Hi’. It’s not like you have formed an emotional or sexual bond with the other person. You essentially watched porn, except it was live.

I think it would be a stupid and crossing a line to do it again. If you feel that’s something you want to do, then you really need to consider discussing this with your wife or ending your marriage before doing this again because it would be betraying your wife to go looking for one on one live time sex outside of your marriage (without her knowledge).

Look at how you genuinely feel now, learn from it, take whatever action you need to take to be happy WITHOUT betraying your wife. Put more into the sexual side of your marriage OR decide you want something outside your marriage but talk to your wife first. Do NOT go looking for sexual satisfaction outside your marriage. No matter who/what/where/when/why that only lead to your wife being hurt and your child. It’s not worth it.

Were you watching men or women?

But you did “go looking for one on one live time sex outside your marriage.” In my opinion, phrases like ‘webcam thingy,’ ‘one off,’ ‘I was curious’ and ‘I only said hi’ are minimizing rationalizations.

You logged onto the webcam site and initiated your sexual experience. If the woman was paid, that was you hiring a sex worker. You and she were clear about what you wanted, and you received sexual gratification from her. Whether you paid or not, you cheated on your wife.

You may need to speak to a counselor to help you decide whether to tell her and to learn why your boundaries were so weak.

I don't think I am minimizing it. I just didn't want to go into very fine detail on here. I know that what I did is totally unacceptable and I am disgusted by my behavior.