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Original poster

do I confess?

62 replies

terry81 · 29/12/2018 01:00

Hi,

I am a 40 year old guy, married with one child. I need to get some advice on whether or not I need to confess an indiscretion to my wife.

6 months ago, whilst working away I logged onto an adult chatroom webcam thingy. I don;t know why I did this - never done it before, or since. I didn't show my face or anything 'intimate - might have seen my chest but nothing else'. I also didn't 'chat' 'talk'or interact beyond saying "hi". I guess I was just taking a look out of curiosity. I admit that I did find the taboo element of it a bit appealing, however I feel disgusted now.

My marriage is good. I love my wife and we have a happy life. I am not looking for anyone to berate me - I have done that myself for the last 6 months. I just want to know if I should tell my wife what I did.

Part of my thinks that honesty is always best, but then I also feel guilty for wanting to burden her with my guilt.

I have NEVER cheated on my wife in real life, nor would I ever. I will sometimes look at porn when working away for long periods, but I appreciate that this is different to webcam/chat stuff.

Do I confess or do I accept that I screwed up and move on without saying anything?

OP posts:
Flatbellyfella · 29/12/2018 22:00

Do not pass your guilty secret on to your wife, it's your problem to live with.

MsDogLady · 29/12/2018 22:41

I have recently read a good definition of infidelity: The breaking of trust that occurs when intimate secrets are kept from a primary romantic partner.

In keeping this intimate secret, you are breaking your wife’s trust and creating emotional distance between you. There is now a lie in the marriage.

How would you feel if your wife had sexually webcammed with another man and then kept this a secret from you? Wouldn’t you want to know the truth?

Ovendoor · 29/12/2018 23:11

100% agree with msdoglady.

Original poster
terry81 · 29/12/2018 23:19

I agree .. really I do. I think that I have to tell her about what I did. I don't feel that I have any other option. I just need to think about how and when and I am going to do it. I need to stress to her just how sorry I am. I desperately don't want to lose my marriage, however I totally agree that she has to be given the option.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 30/12/2018 03:56

Terry, she would need to believe that you are very remorseful and are 100% committed to restoring her faith and trust in you. Own it, take full responsibility, and do not allow her to believe that you did this because of something lacking in her.

You will need to do whatever she asks to help her process all of this, even if that means leaving for a while to give her time and space. Accept her tears, anger and anxiety. Be open to answering all of her questions, so that she knows exactly what she is forgiving. Be transparent with your phone, computers, email, etc.

When working away, contact your wife frequently, as she may feel extra vulnerable during those times.

Dig deep and consider counseling to investigate that selfish part of you that enabled you to cross the line. You made the decision to betray your wife and jeopardize your child’s well-being. You mentioned the lure of the taboo element, so you must learn to counteract that attraction, particularly when working away. If this was an escalation of watching porn, you will need to address that.

Good luck, Terry.

Klobluchar · 30/12/2018 09:52

Telling her will only make you feel better, not her.

You haven’t really done anything wrong. Just forget about it.

loveskaka · 30/12/2018 11:52

I think u should tell her and let her decide what she wants, if u dnt you will feel like u have got away with it and do it again! Trust me once the panic goes u will do it again if u dnt tell her

Wouldyouorshouldyou · 30/12/2018 11:54

Say nothing! It's of no benefit and will only hurt her.

Flatbellyfella · 30/12/2018 16:13

She will be devistated if you tell her, & you will live to regret it.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/12/2018 16:37

If it's what you say, and you're sure you won't do it again, I'd say it would hurt her more to tell her than not.
It's not like you've put her in danger of STI or anything, although it is as you say, an indiscretion.
She would never believe it was only a one off.
Chalk it up to experience.

MsDogLady · 30/12/2018 18:45

Terry did not protect his fidelity. Out of respect for his wife and their marriage, he wants to be honest with her. It is not right to keep her in the dark. She signed up for a faithful marriage and has the right to choose her path.

Of course she is likely to be very upset. She might need time and space to consider what she wants to do. However, Terry’s honest admission and sincere remorse may hold some value for her. She may decide to move forward with him, while he works to restore the broken trust. In this case, he must protect his fidelity and not allow it to be threatened ever again.

Luvey · 30/12/2018 18:52

Oh fgs I'm all for being honest but what's this going to achieve apart from cleansing your conscience and breaking her heart. If it was truly something you regret make it up to her each and every day.
And stay away from web cams and the like. It's really gross and the girls you're watching think you're a sad loser

larrygrylls · 30/12/2018 18:55

Seriously,

The only thing that would risk your marriage and child’s security is telling your wife something totally trivial.

Just don’t!

TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 18:59

You sound like a real wet lettuce. Do you tell your wife every time you might look at a woman's boobs hanging out in the street? Or any time you laugh at an inappropriate joke? Hmm

donkeylegs · 30/12/2018 19:02

I admit that I did find the taboo element of it a bit appealing, however I feel disgusted now

who did you webcam with though? was it an adult woman?

Original poster
terry81 · 30/12/2018 22:36

Yes of course it was an adult!! I might be a total idiot and crap husband, but I am not a pervert!

OP posts:
Original poster
terry81 · 30/12/2018 22:38

I get your point, but I do feel that what I did totally oversteps the mark. We all look at others and find them attractive during our everyday lives - that's human nature, but I guess I took it a step further

OP posts:
Blabbermouth96 · 30/12/2018 22:39

Everyone's been very quick to judge. Wonder if it was a woman you'd all be like 'you go girl, have time to yourself'. Because he's a man it's creepy?? ANYWAY if telling her would take the thought of feeling guilty off your mind then tell her, otherwise you'll just feel worse and she'll resent you for keeping it from her for so long. If you think you can forget about it and get over it, then get over it.
In the meantime people, stop being so judgmental.

Original poster
terry81 · 30/12/2018 22:44

Thanks Blabbermouth, I appreciate your comments, although I can understand why some posters have taken a different view. The truth is that I would be really upset if my wife had done this, which I know is totally hypocritical.

I always felt that I was different to 'those guy' - the ones that go to strip clubs and cheat on their wives on nights out, but it appears that I am no different, and that's difficult for me to deal with, despite it being totally self inflicted.

I haven't fold my wife yet. This may sound lame, but she is so looking forward to going out for New Years Eve, I just feel like I can't spoil that for her and our son. I know that there is never a good time to discuss this type of thing, but I don't think that New Years Eve is appropriate!

OP posts:
Klobluchar · 30/12/2018 23:08

Do you cam with women or men? You haven’t actually said.

Original poster
terry81 · 30/12/2018 23:14

There were both men and women on the cams as there were some couples etc.

OP posts:
TotesEmoshTerri · 30/12/2018 23:20

You went on a cam site for what seems to be a minute or two. This does not make you a crap husband any more than me thinking about the naughty things I'd let Benedict Cumberbatch do to me makes me a "bad wife". Get some perspective here man!

Klobluchar · 30/12/2018 23:23

I’m guessing it was a cam sex site where you can look and chat for free but if you want something more specific or an exclusive chat, you have to pay (eg Chaturbate)

If this is the case, it’s really no different than having a quick shuffle over porn.

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 30/12/2018 23:28

Shock Don't do it! Don't tell her. Just promise yourself you won't do it again if it's upset you this much.

sandi80 · 31/12/2018 14:36

I think that you need to think very carefully before you open this can of worms. I actually don't think that you have much to worry about - Ok, so you logged on to a webcam site, you didn't show any images of your bits, you didn't post anything graphic, show your face, or speak etc - so basically you watched some people getting off. I agree that this is not great behavior for a married person, but in the scheme of things it seems pretty trivial. I don't see it as any different to a bloke having a private lap dance, or a group of lads watching a live sex show in Amsterdam.

I actually think that it would be selfish of you to share this with your wife - what do you expect her to do with that information? In reality, honesty isn't always the best policy -we have to consider others feelings too.

The truth is that most of us have a few dark secrets/skeletons in our closets. I am married but I had a snog with someone 15 years ago on a night out during the time that we were dating. I have never revealed this and I never will! It would cause problems and to be honest, it was a mistake and I have forgiven myself and moved on - you need to do that too.