do I confess?

[terry81]

Hi,

I am a 40 year old guy, married with one child. I need to get some advice on whether or not I need to confess an indiscretion to my wife.

6 months ago, whilst working away I logged onto an adult chatroom webcam thingy. I don;t know why I did this - never done it before, or since. I didn't show my face or anything 'intimate - might have seen my chest but nothing else'. I also didn't 'chat' 'talk'or interact beyond saying "hi". I guess I was just taking a look out of curiosity. I admit that I did find the taboo element of it a bit appealing, however I feel disgusted now.

My marriage is good. I love my wife and we have a happy life. I am not looking for anyone to berate me - I have done that myself for the last 6 months. I just want to know if I should tell my wife what I did.

Part of my thinks that honesty is always best, but then I also feel guilty for wanting to burden her with my guilt.

I have NEVER cheated on my wife in real life, nor would I ever. I will sometimes look at porn when working away for long periods, but I appreciate that this is different to webcam/chat stuff.

Do I confess or do I accept that I screwed up and move on without saying anything?

My head feel like it might explode at the moment. Really don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry Terry, but you haven’t done anything wrong, certainly nothing worth upsetting your wife for, and you need to calm down and get a grip.

Terry this is ridiculous - for pity’s sake just don’t say anything!!
You were curious, took a look and decided it wasn’t for you - big wow!! You’re only human.
In my book you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong - you’re entitled to a few private thoughts and desires - marriage isn’t a prison!
There’s nothing to be gained from telling your wife, go out tonight, have a great night and don’t give it another thought.

If this was a once off then no I wouldn’t tell her..

If this is something you have done more than once and you feel like you can’t “help yourself” then please tell her.

I’m speaking from experience as my partner spent £2000 watching women on webcam. It was like an addiction and a thrill he got from it. He never told me, I found out and i was at breaking point with our relationship. I decided I wanted to give him a chance because we share 2 children, and we have worked extremely hard things and it is getting better. I still look at bank statements etc.

Terry if you respect your wife and value your marriage you should tell her. This is not harmless, to many women it's classed as cheating and if she finds out about it without you coming clean first then she'll never trust you again. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a marriage and when it's gone it's gone. People make mistakes in their marriages all the time, what sets you apart from this would be complete honesty and transparency because right now you are a liar, lying by omission. The measure of infidelity in a marriage is how you would feel if it was done to you and you've admitted you would hate it, so this in itself invalidates all the pp advising it's no big deal and you've done nothing wrong, when it's very clear, especially to you that you have. Would you want her to be honest and come clean? Coming clean by yourself with no pressure should reassure her that it would never happen again and she could trust that your a truthful person going forward. Knowing she can depend on your honesty when so much is at stake might very well make your marriage stronger, when her anger dissipates. You need to own this and prove you are a better man then most, judging by the low standards of previous posters here.

One argument for telling her I guess is that if she would consider looking at an open chat room for a couple of minutes to be "cheating" you'd be well did anyway. And if she didn't, all good.

Depends on ur wife’s personality and boundaries/expectations in ur marriage. Also depends on ur financial situation and whether you can change job.

Perhaps discuss the porn and this at the same time. Say you are sorry, feel terrible and wouldn’t want to do anything that she was not comfortable with. Think about whether you want to change job so you are not away often or phone/video call her. Work to build back trust with her and allow her access to ur phone and internet history.

Move on , accept it as something crap and don’t do it again, I know my H was doing this , albeit not paying and consequently I turned into a PI extraordinaire. I think it’s opening a can of worms .

Terry, you said that you’d be very upset if your wife webcammed like you did.

If she did that, would you want her to tell you?

Or would you want her to keep it a secret, while living her life with you?

And Terry, it is not helpful to get stuck in a ‘toxic shame’ mindset of
“it appears I’m no different” from “those guys.” That way of thinking is self-defeating and will keep you paralyzed.

It ls what you now that counts. You recognize that you violated your inner value code, and that of your wife. Now, use your feelings of guilt in a healthy, positive way, moving forward by being honest. Your desire to put things right with your wife will likely speak volumes to her. Show her your authentic feelings. It is the first step in rebuilding her trust in you and your trust in yourself.

do now

Thanks for all of the messages. I haven't said anything yet.

I appreciate all of the messages, and I can see all points of view. I tend to be an over-thinker so my brain is going mad at the moment.