Leaving a bully man.

[Newyearbollocks]

Help see me through.

In the next couple of weeks I will be leaving my bully bastard, D"P"
I have four children and 3 are my ex P's
My ex doesn't see them. He was also abusive, raped me, hurt me financially, physically & emotionally for 10 years. I finally got out and after a while he stopped seeing his kids. I suffer anxiety, depression and ptsd because of a number of things in my life. Made some idiotic decisions and atm feel like a mess.
However, I know I am worth more. I have a fab job and study full time. I'm on route to a promising career.
Unfortunately when I met my now partner I was in a vulnerable position. He sang from the right hymm sheet, leading me to believe he was a good man. Slowly his true colours came out. Contraception failed and I was blessed with a wonderful daughter. The bullying got worse. Not just to me but to all of us. My kids trusted him and believed he was the father they were missing. We all did. But everyday is like a war zone and he constantly shouts and swears. Disaplining or putting them down for every single mistake. There is no happy moments. They are starting to act out the way he does. He just doesn't understand his behaviour reflects on them. They won't behave if they see how he is reacting. When we are alone. They are wonderful, polite, kind children. People are always commenting on how they are a credit to me. He is ruining them.
So now I know I have to leave. For their sake and my mental health.
I'm also scared. Scared of being a single parent to 4. Is anyone else in this situation. How do you manage? Studying and working? I'm also in the throes of learning to drive.
The house is council and in my name. He refuses to leave saying he has nowhere else to go and I need to give him time to find somewhere. But he never does and we end up back here.
He is in a lot of debt and a gambling addict.
His family won't have him. They know what he is like.
The thing is nobody expects my mum knows what I'm going through. I've been good at hiding it. Its something I'm used to.
Where do I stand. Anyone with information on this please give me you advice and hand holds. I really need them.

I'm a good looking, young and intelligent woman. I know that! But I'm so fucking blurred atm I'm struggling to see it.
He's told me things like nobody will ever want me with four children. I'm a bad mother, I can't cope. All I know deep down to untrue. But I find it difficult to see. I have to start all over again.... Again! I could scream!

Sorry it a bit long, I didn't want to drop feed. But I really need advice.

It's drip

I can't give any advice but sending you a big hug. No one should have to put with bullying behaviour especially in their own home. I hope someone on here can give you some advice on how to manage this xx

Me and my children literally walk on egg shells every single day. After telling them off he will tell me I need to back him up because that's why they misbehave. They misbehave and don't listen to him because they have lost all respect for him. He never tried to be their friend or make them feel safe. I realise that now. He walked in dished out the laws and expected everyone to respect him.
He bought a couple of things and then expected us all to show gratitude. That was his foot in the door, he used this against us everytime In a row, when I tried to defend myself. It made me question myself because he was the polar opposite to my ex whom basically did nothing in the house, or never worked. I can see that now it was just another form of abuse and he confused me at a time I was most fragile.

Now he says I can't make him leave because he pays half the bills and his name is on the council tax. Bear in mind I pay for all luxuries and all the bills are in my name. I have to beg him every month to transfer his half. Because of his debt he is always skint and moaning about it.
All this suffering has made me weak so I need good solid advice to see straight. Don't know where else to turn.

I'm sorry for all the typo mistakes I've just finished nights and it's been world war 3 at home again.

You can do this . You are strong and look forward to the new life that is awaiting you and your children

Close the door lock it and call the police.
Legally it is not his home, so just don't let him in.

Have his name removed from the ct. Have the police remove him from your home.

Will they remove him? He said they can't because he legally lives here and has for 2 years. Unless I can prove he has been abusive I have no right to make him homeless?
I don't know whether he has totally clouded my judgement or he is right.

Plus he has a key. There is no way he will hand that over. If he gets any incline I want him out, he stays off sick for the day or week and works his magic untill I cave.

Why am I so fucking weak. I can't actually stand myself atm. Its just not who I am.

Just been on a legal forum op. If you aren't married you can change the locks when he goes out and /or get police to remove him.
He has absolutely no legal right to be there against your wishes. Get a fre appointment with a solicitor, you may get a free basic letter telling him the same info. Ring the Council and get his name off the ct - on Monday.

@Santaissleepingoffmincepies
Thank you so much, he gets so nasty when I tell him to leave. Says I'm using him and being cruel to our DD making him homeless. Says he can't afford to rent anywhere and has nowhere to go. He has had so much opportunity to save he just thinks I'll cave. Which I have in the the past.
He'll say I've used him over Christmas to pay for the kids presents.
Truth is I just didn't want to make my children miserable over Christmas.

Ime all dc need is a happy dm.
I was also alone with 4 dc . House was his and I left. I borrowed from a relative and rented.

I'm glad legally he has to leave. Because this is our home and close to family, school and work.

I know this gets rolled out a lot but you genuinely need to contact women's aid. It will all go from there and you'll be supported by experienced professionals who deal with these situations on a daily basis. You need to find your strength and courage and ignore doubt. I would remove all important documents from the home like birth cirtificates etc and store them with someone you trust for now. Then gey a plan in place and get this bully out of your life. Your children will thank you for it. Don't let him sway you, you know you need to do this for your kids. Financially maybe it will be difficult to begin with but utilise all options such as food banks and charity shops etc until things start to look up. Please take the leap, it will be difficult emotionally and also trying to be mother to 4 children alone but by hook or by crook you will find a way. Children are resilient and in time the benefits of leaving this bully with shine through their eyes and their happy, relaxed smiles
Good luck.

@Toptheginup
Thank you so much!
As I guessed and because I'm no good at hiding my upset, he has sensed something is off and is ringing in sick tomorrow. Says he isn't feeling well and can tell I'm drained so thinks I need the help at home. Which is shit because I wanted to get the locks changed.
Problem is kids are off school so unfortunately no doubt they will be in the middle of tension tomorrow and he will keep at me what's wrong untill he gets loud and nasty and the kids will hear it all.
I'm at the point now where I think tomorrow I will ask the kids to go play in their room (only option) ask him to leave and threaten with the police if he doesn't. I think I may have to text his parents and tell them I'm asking him to leave. Because up untill now I've been too weak to follow through and when I do get strong enough he comes home making sure I don't. He makes it so fucking difficult. I can't even ring womens aid because he is always around which is crap.
I need to do this tomorrow. I know the timing is crap with the kids being home. But what choice do I have? They have seen enough so this is one last thing they will be around before free of anxiety.

I'm going to have to take some time off work. Which I don't want to do. But I will need to get sorted. Is that the right thing to do? It's easier talking on here because he can't hear me when in another room. Ringing anyone is difficult.

I don't want to go into a new year feeling like this.

It's also his birthday V soon and he keeps banging on about a birthday meal (Which I would be paying for) and asking what I'm getting him. I really don't want to give him sweet FA.
Everyone of my birthdays apart from last year he has made me cry and got me a pathetic excuse of a token gift (think chocolates) I don't want that to sound spoilt. But every year I have organised and paid for a meal. Bought him exactly what he has chosen out and forked out lots of money for a special gift (think a massive photo book of why I loved him ect)
Last year I had to make a huge deal for him to show interest and I ended up paying for the meal for my birthday. The only reason I didn't cry is because nothing he does hurts me anyone. I see him for who he is. I certainly don't love him and you could even say I'm numb to it. I haven't cried for over a year. That's how I know my mental health is bad.

You are far from sounding 'spoilt'. In your position I would play along, 'yes, I need your help, please stay close, help with kids bla bla' then maybe he'll think fuck this n go out just to spite u? Have you heard the saying fake it till you make it? Well in your shoes I would be trying my best to hide my feelings. I would pretend like everything is normal, give away no clue! You say he's around you so you can't even make a phone call? That sounds oppressive! I really feel for you. Maybe you can create a situation where he needs to pop out or you need to pop out? Ask him to go to shop for sanitary towels? Likely hood he can say no? You go, round the corner, phone police? Women's aid?. Please don't phone his parents they may give him the heads up. Keep your cards close to your chest. Remember, the most risky time is actually ending the relationship and choosing to draw the line, they don't like that; you've taken away their power x

And fuck his birthday

Well I've done it. He is packing his things and on the phone to his parents as I type. He knows I am serious as I have told his parents/My parents and he knows this and have told him if he doesn't leave I will be contacting the police. He did try and plead his case saying he is skint after Christmas ECT. But I shut him down. I told him the score in the form of an email so it wasn't a row in front of the kids. I've said refer back to the email if you want to talk that's it.
So the ball is rolling. I'm just waiting for someone to come get him.

I feel sick and shaky and I'm doing my best not to cave right now. No doubt once he is alone with his parents he will cry wolf. Bug I'm trying not to worry about that.

It's hard though because he has put me down so much, even I question whether I am the arsehole at times.

Fantastic! Well done you. On advice from mumsnet I kept a ‘stay strong’ diary, with a list of some events when he’d been abusive/horrible/disruptive etc. It really helped.

Well done OP. Stay strong. I hope someone picks him up soon. Do you know how long it will take for them to arrive to pick him up? Can he wait outside?

Good for you OP

Op you are amazing. Well done you. This is the start of the rest of your life. You can do this

Life is going to be so much better for your family. Congrats xx