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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving a bully man.

59 replies

Newyearbollocks · 28/12/2018 16:39

Help see me through.

In the next couple of weeks I will be leaving my bully bastard, D"P"
I have four children and 3 are my ex P's
My ex doesn't see them. He was also abusive, raped me, hurt me financially, physically & emotionally for 10 years. I finally got out and after a while he stopped seeing his kids. I suffer anxiety, depression and ptsd because of a number of things in my life. Made some idiotic decisions and atm feel like a mess.
However, I know I am worth more. I have a fab job and study full time. I'm on route to a promising career.
Unfortunately when I met my now partner I was in a vulnerable position. He sang from the right hymm sheet, leading me to believe he was a good man. Slowly his true colours came out. Contraception failed and I was blessed with a wonderful daughter. The bullying got worse. Not just to me but to all of us. My kids trusted him and believed he was the father they were missing. We all did. But everyday is like a war zone and he constantly shouts and swears. Disaplining or putting them down for every single mistake. There is no happy moments. They are starting to act out the way he does. He just doesn't understand his behaviour reflects on them. They won't behave if they see how he is reacting. When we are alone. They are wonderful, polite, kind children. People are always commenting on how they are a credit to me. He is ruining them.
So now I know I have to leave. For their sake and my mental health.
I'm also scared. Scared of being a single parent to 4. Is anyone else in this situation. How do you manage? Studying and working? I'm also in the throes of learning to drive.
The house is council and in my name. He refuses to leave saying he has nowhere else to go and I need to give him time to find somewhere. But he never does and we end up back here.
He is in a lot of debt and a gambling addict.
His family won't have him. They know what he is like.
The thing is nobody expects my mum knows what I'm going through. I've been good at hiding it. Its something I'm used to.
Where do I stand. Anyone with information on this please give me you advice and hand holds. I really need them.

I'm a good looking, young and intelligent woman. I know that! But I'm so fucking blurred atm I'm struggling to see it.
He's told me things like nobody will ever want me with four children. I'm a bad mother, I can't cope. All I know deep down to untrue. But I find it difficult to see. I have to start all over again.... Again! I could scream!

OP posts:
Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 29/12/2018 10:55

Well done op. Life with 4 will be busy as you are well aware, but the calm that you will also now feel will keep you going!! Enjoy your dc, no more eggshell existing.
Keep a diary, see how far you come from today - you have done your dc proud.
And yourself.
Xxx

bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 11:00

Well done OP. Expect drama. Begging, suicide, promises to change. Don't engage. Quite telling that you have the law and your tenancy all on your side but he has being telling you all about his rights and what you can and can't do. Wishing you a much better year in 2019.

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 11:01

My mum is coming to get the kids till after he has gone. So I will be cracking on getting organised cleaning up and doing a nice dinner for when they are home. It won't be till early afternoon so I will be ignoring him and doing what I need to do. I will not cave. The truth is out now so there is no getting away from it.
It really is tough though. As much as the kids hate the way he is, they have become attached and they have been crying about it. Which makes it so much worse. I'm sure they hate me.
This is two abusive relationships now. I know I need to work on myself. I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for putting them through this. All I can do is try and make it right eventually. Right now they are devastated.
People will think that it is me that's the problem. But I really do try and make relationships nice. I give my all.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 11:07

It's normal for the DCs to.be upset - it doesn't mean it's not in their best interests. Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? Very important for you to have some time to yourself now but try not to beat yourself up.

TougheningUp · 29/12/2018 11:15

Don't let yourself be alone in the house with him, Newyear. He's at his most dangerous right now, knowing you're breaking free from him. You need to protect yourself. If your mum arrives ask her to stay until he's gone if she can.

You're doing so well. I hope he's gone soon.

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 11:19

My mum will help with time to myself and I will get a few hours after college two days a week when the kids are at the chilminders. I've told him we will sort contact arrangements once he has gone.
I will be focusing on my degree now and making a better future. I've read the freedom programme online. It helped me see what kind of abuser he is. Which is a bully and narcissist.
There isn't a centre close enough to just get to. But I will go to the doctors and sign myself off for a few weeks while getting counselling.
I have a chronic illness that is controlled now, but I do have a physiologist with the hospital through that and her email so I think I will email her later and explain. She will probably fit my some sessions in. Although I haven't contacted her for a year. I have wanted to tell her for a while. But haven't out of feeling trapped and fear.

The kids have gone now. So I'm putting on my brave face. Drinking my coffee, getting showered and sorting this home for when they get back. Nice dinner, lots of cuddles and films. It would be so easy to hide myself away right now. But I know that will only make things worse.

My mum wants a text every half hour and has organised a family day out for tommorow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 11:23

He knows everyone knows and as much as I walk on eggshells I'm not affaird he will do anything. His bags are packed and he is ready to go. He's full of remorse but I know that's show.
The thing is, he is completely different with his daughter. He never gets angry with her and worships the ground she walks on. So I know he has the capacity to stop his aggression.

OP posts:
mychildrenaredrivingmemad · 29/12/2018 11:54

Please take care OP. And check in with us too xxx

Oldstyle · 29/12/2018 12:20

OP you are amazing! Such clarity and strength in spite of the years of gaslighting and being put down. Your kids have one extraordinary mother. Flowers

1forAll74 · 29/12/2018 12:27

Hello OP, i have just been reading through your heartbreaking posts, i am an oldie, and live alone,and hearing about you and your children's plight is the most saddest of happenings.,

But now, your strength has made it possible,for you all to have a new beginning for the coming new year.
Best wishes to you.

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 12:31

Thank you all so much. Your messages are seeing me through. This is tougher than I thought. There has been lots of tears at my mum's and my eldest is messaging asking what he did wrong. My mum has stopped that now. 😥

OP posts:
weleasewoderick22 · 29/12/2018 12:35

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but sending you good wishes and good luck Thanks

CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces · 29/12/2018 12:46

Newyear, bloody well done Flowers

Gfplux · 29/12/2018 12:57

Well done. Keep strong.

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 13:22

He's started the begging game again. Apparently nobody can take him in. I don't think anyone wants to. They know what he is like. I have told him that's not my problem and that it's up to him to find a solution. He is using the children as well saying if I don't do it for him, he begs me to wait untill he has somewhere for our little girl. Lord give me strength!
I've said unless he has turned up at everyone's door bags in hand, he hasn't explored every avenue.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 29/12/2018 13:33

Why can’t he get a house share?? I’ve known guys in their 50s even do it and quite enjoy it, much less deposit and can then get a bit of company and save for place on his own

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 13:37

I have mentioned this to him. He has apparently emailed someone close by who haven't yet responded.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 14:17

It's not your problem.

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 14:43

He has gone. I gave him till two and then put his bags at the open door. With phone and 999 on the front. My mum offered him a lift somewhere and he refused. I've let her know and asked for a couple hours to get my head straight.
Is it bad I wanted to laugh in his face! Like literally smirk at him for all the horrible stuff he has done to me. I feel sick and sad but I'm smiling. Is that normal? Is that cruel? Inside I still care what happens to him and worried where he will stay. But at the same time I don't care. I don't know what to feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 14:54

He also threatened suicide! Why do they do that! It makes me nauseous and angry.

OP posts:
Toptheginup · 29/12/2018 14:59

Try not to shoulder the responsibility for this man's wellbeing, this is all his own fault, he had a choice; be a decent father and partner or don't be. He chose wrong, he has no one to blame but himself for the situation he now finds himself in. Stay strong. I've been in your shoes, admittedly not with 4 children in tow but it gets easier. Accept all the help you can get and focus on self care, building that confidence and self esteem back up.
Best of luck to you and your children. Do not waver Flowers

Toptheginup · 29/12/2018 15:00

Someone who genuinely contemplates suicide rarely tells anyone of their intentions. He's trying to make you panic

NotTheFordType · 29/12/2018 15:01

I don't know what to feel.

Just let the feelings come, and sit with them. You can feel
Elated
Relieved
Sad
Worried
Happy
Strong
Weak
Overwhelmed
Numb

You can feel all of those, and all those feelings are valid (and normal.)

When you feel elated and strong, take note of those feelings. Was there something that made you feel that way (e.g., relief that never again will you have to cook his favourite meal that you secretly hate. Settling in for the evenings with the DC and knowing you won't have any of his bullshit to deal with.) Hold onto that feeling, and bring that thought to mind if you feel wobbly.

Original poster
Newyearbollocks · 29/12/2018 15:10

I feel all those things an they are constantly changing. I know his wellbeing isn't my responsibility. It was untill he didn't give a shit about mine. He has messaged saying he will be sleeping rough so I just text saying I'm blocking you untill tonight when you can face time DD and say goodnight and then when you find somewhere you can email me with details so we can sort contact. Is that the right thing to do?
It also feels empty. Christmas is just over and now this. A couple of days ago we was watching the children open presents from Santa. I hope this won't be the memory they keep at Christmas.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 29/12/2018 16:04

Someone who genuinely contemplates suicide rarely tells anyone of their intentions. < this is incorrect.

I wouldn't have encouraged FaceTime tonight OP - too much opportunity for him to upset and manipulate DD. It is entirely predictable that he would threaten suicide. No wonder you are awash with different emotions. Try and focus on just you and DC and do not let him come anywhere near your home.