Found messages - husband is gay.

[GayHusband]

Married 20 years, 2 grown up DCs. Always suspected he was gay. We have had separate bedrooms since the children were born. I closed my eyes for the sake of the kids.

Christmas Eve he says he's going out for a walk and to fill the car with petrol. At 6pm, in the dark. We live rurally. He was dressed quite smart. I suspected something was up so looked at his iPad and read messages between him and another man. All lovey dovey.

He did the same on Boxing Day night. I've had enough. Kids are grown, though still living at home. House is an estate house (with land etc) all in my name. I've supported him financially our whole marriage as I've had a very well paying job whilst he's faded around trying to make a living from his hobby.

I bought him his (various) cars etc etc. I will be seeing a solicitor next week but where do I stand in asking him to leave? Financially is half of all my income his? My pension? My savings? What do I do?

Oh god, this sort of situation is so awful. I'd be selling his bloody cars, for a start. If you post this in Legal then someone might be able to give you good advice.

Personally I would have a bag packed and tell him to get out. I'd also make sure that he couldn't drain bank accounts.

Have you spoken to him about this?

I agree, get this moved to legal & you'll get sound advice.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

No idea but didn't want to read and run I wouldn't do anything until you've seen your solicitor

Thank you for replying. How do I move the post?

Yes, I've spoken to him. Told him it's unacceptable. Christmas Eve I told him not to come home but he did. And I let him in because of the kids.

I don't think he'd leave.

Jesus, what a cruel thing to have done to you.

I'd pack a bag, and keep proof of the messages. And make sure he can't empty the bank account.

Then see a solicitor.

You need good legal advice, basics are that he probably has the right to 50% of assets, but you should be able to limit that if the children of the relationship still live at home.

You should be able to get a clean break and protect your income going forward and any pension you might have.

Sorry you're going through this.

Oh my word op. I'm so sorry. I think that is worse than an actual affair. I hope others will give you some wise advice but just wanted to send hugs

I did take photos with dates and times of the messages. It just seems so unfair that I've worked hard to provide for us as a family and he's done nothing and can cheat and walk away with half of everything I've saved.

Where do I stand if I transfer money to someone else for safety?

In Scotland he would be entitled to half of what your pension pot is, at the time of the split. Usually taken as a cash alternative. You would be due half of his too (though it sounds like he doesn't have one). If you could keep it away from Sols, you'd save on fees...I think I'd be tempted to make him an offer that was generous enough for him to move on, but less than what he would get if he sought legal advice. Would he even be able to afford a Sol? I'd also move the savings elsewhere, like to a parent for safeguarding.

Solicitors all shut til the 2nd.

Did he look after he children when they were growing up? So essentially a SAHD?

I am sending sympathy. My dexh is gay and I think I knew our whole marriage, it took me meeting someone else to finally give me the courage to talk about it to ex.
He'd met someone too and we parted very amicably.
I definitely looked the other way to ensure my dds grew up with both parents and had a happy childhood.
Now in my fifties with my new dp I do occasionally regret the wasted years.
Please don't blame yourself, it's not you... He can't help his sexuality and has probably been very torn by this. My dexh wanted so badly to be straight he lived a lie for years and he too wanted our children to have a stable happy childhood.
In many ways we both, like you and your dh, sacrificed our own happiness.
It may hurt like hell to be betrayed but it could also be the start of a new and more fulfilling life for you both.
My dexh and me are now good friends, we all socialise around family occasions, for example he and his dp spent Christmas with me and my dp and the dds.
It can work.

The cheating almost seems irrelevant, he sounds like he's always been a bloody awful husband. You need to get legal advice and move forward in getting him out of your life for good.

@Rubbishwillruinus He did as he is unqualified and I had a very well paying job.

So you are basically in the same position many women who have been sahp find themselves.
I appreciate its frustrating to feel you have to share what "you earnt" in terms of pension and assets but men wh have been sahp shouldn't be treated any differently than women, and the view of them is usually that they supported their husbands to work and so entitled to a fair share

Mmm, well I think he will be entitled to half of everything amassed during the marriage. Just like a SAHM would. That's the protection of marriage. Frustrating though, as you have been duped really.

50% goes to him even if he has been adulterous.

As soon as a solicitor's office is open on the 2nd Jan, make an appointment and get strong legal advice. Sort out your money & property so you don't have to part with too much.

If you are feeling kind, find your husband somewhere to live, then change all your locks.

Good luck, the future is rosy for you once you put the wheels in motion.

I would definitely send some money to a relative I could trust. Tell your solicitor you've done that. It's one thing splitting it in half and another for him to spend it all.

Is his mum local? If so I'd send his bags there to her and tell him that if he doesn't get out you'll tell her everything.

@jessstann2

Woukd you give same advice to a man with a sahwife who'd been unfaithful?
Would you tell them to get strong legal advice to ensure they did not have to part with too much of "their" money or property?

A stay at home wife whose kids were adult and had stayed but cheated instead of leaving? Absolutely.

Won't the OP have to do full financial disclosure when divorcing? She can't give money away, it will show up in the disclosure. (Not a lawyer, just what I remember from my own divorce)

I certainly would if the SAHWife had been unfaithful, Jellybean! 😡