Found messages - husband is gay.

[GayHusband]

Married 20 years, 2 grown up DCs. Always suspected he was gay. We have had separate bedrooms since the children were born. I closed my eyes for the sake of the kids.

Christmas Eve he says he's going out for a walk and to fill the car with petrol. At 6pm, in the dark. We live rurally. He was dressed quite smart. I suspected something was up so looked at his iPad and read messages between him and another man. All lovey dovey.

He did the same on Boxing Day night. I've had enough. Kids are grown, though still living at home. House is an estate house (with land etc) all in my name. I've supported him financially our whole marriage as I've had a very well paying job whilst he's faded around trying to make a living from his hobby.

I bought him his (various) cars etc etc. I will be seeing a solicitor next week but where do I stand in asking him to leave? Financially is half of all my income his? My pension? My savings? What do I do?

OP, wait until 2nd and get a proper legal advice because much of what's on here will land you in trouble.

The starting position is 50/50 but sometimes one partner gets a greater share in order to achieve equity.

If the children are grown then the courts won't have any interest in them, and nor will they care about his adultery.

I think a solicitor will insist that you disclose all assets, and think about how these might be divided. Usually there is equity, pension and cash to divide.

Unless you earn many multiples of his income you will not pay spousal maintenance; he will be expected to work full time to support himself. He may get a bigger share of assets to support him in his return to work.

I can't condone what he has done at all but you must surely have known that this day would come?

If you are joint accounts if separate them and make sure you get your money out first then work out who to gift it to later! It's the lies that's the worst part here and as you said your kids are older so he could have worked a normal job!

Don't pay for anything as of now as to yourself act as if everything is yours and sell what you don't need - his cars etc. He can start being an adult and buy his own things.

When the solicitor's office opens on the 2nd, you should be the first one through the door. Stop living this outrageous lie and move on.

I had a colleague who transferred the house which was in her name to adult children's names before doing anything about divorce. It was never contested apparently and done under the guise of saving time and probate things upon death, iirc

Op, I would definitely look to have a plan before forcing him to leave as once the hostility increases it's tough for the temperature to be lowered.

Whilst it's understandable to be angry and hurt it is best if you can come to an agreement about finances. If this goes to court the fees could be in excess of £50k.

I recommend you discuss separation and make him a fair financial proposal..which will provide him with housing and some pension provision. If your H looked after the dc then he has made a valuable contribution. A separation will cost each party a lower standard of living but the higher earner, in this case you, will have the opportunity to bounce back in a few years. Your Ex will not be as fortunate so take a long term view..both of you may be much happier in the long run.

Regarding moving money, it is possible for you to transfer money or buy stuff (ex bought himself motorbike & a boat) which ultimately did not get treated as joint assets, but as chattels.However that was because there was enough money to ensure each party was adequately housed. If you move money and it's needed for his housing or pension then you could be ordered to pay it back.

However if there is sufficient money and you had always wanted to transfer money to the children to fund Uni or deposit for houses..now might be the time.

OP - can i ask ...have you had a good life with this man ? putting aside the feelings of hurt he has met someone else, have you successfully raised a happy well adjusted family ? have you enjoyed christmases, holidays, family outings, have you co-parented well together ? have you supported each other in times of need ? has him being a sahp allowed you to develop and thrive in a career you enjoyed ?
have you or do you enjoy each other's company ?

i ask this, because in my case the answers were mostly yes, and even though i knew my marriage was not 'right' ( we too had had separate bedrooms and often quite separate lives) i did know that we had co-parented very well and our daughters had grown up in a stable family wmviroment.
so when my dexh and me both met other people who were able to give us what we had not been able to give each other in our marriage , i was happy for my dexh , i didnt want him living out his life in a lie, having to deny himself what he really wanted. Just as i did not want to live out my life without having a full relationship.

when we divorced it was with some regrets but mostly positive feelings that we had closed the chapter on that part of our story and we were both moving onto a new chapter.

i was not angry or bitter , and though i too had worked much harder than my dexh i recognised we both had contributed to our 24 yr marriage and we had both contributed to the reasons it did not work out in the end .

OP - why are you so angry with this man ? I get the hurt that he has cheated but i would have thought you might be relieved that it is now out in the open and you have a chance at a more fulfilled life/relationship with someone else and you no longer have to live a lie

No particular advice but just wanted to say to OP and to dinnafashsassenach - I've been there too and it hurts every bit as much as a straight affair. Five years on though I can say that life gets so much better - good luck.

Good luck OP he’s been a selfish prick. I wish you the best of luck getting shot of the lies from your life, and soon.

Do nothing until you've got legal and financial advice and got your ducks in a row. Do all the planning and thinking first and ensure you are as protected as possible before you tell him. Good luck op.

Thank you Crocodile. Were you able to get out?

OP why did you choose to ignore it if you were financially stable?