Found messages - husband is gay.

[GayHusband]

Married 20 years, 2 grown up DCs. Always suspected he was gay. We have had separate bedrooms since the children were born. I closed my eyes for the sake of the kids.

Christmas Eve he says he's going out for a walk and to fill the car with petrol. At 6pm, in the dark. We live rurally. He was dressed quite smart. I suspected something was up so looked at his iPad and read messages between him and another man. All lovey dovey.

He did the same on Boxing Day night. I've had enough. Kids are grown, though still living at home. House is an estate house (with land etc) all in my name. I've supported him financially our whole marriage as I've had a very well paying job whilst he's faded around trying to make a living from his hobby.

I bought him his (various) cars etc etc. I will be seeing a solicitor next week but where do I stand in asking him to leave? Financially is half of all my income his? My pension? My savings? What do I do?

Would a man be receiving this advice of roles were reversed? Can you imagine?

Putting aside the cheating (momentarily) I don't think it's fair for you to say he has done nothing as he was a SAHD responsible for bringing up the children and presumably supporting/enabling your career?

Back to the cheating, it doesn't sound like it has been much of a marriage for a while, separate bedrooms, you "closing your eyes". Now he may have been cheating throughout the marriage or he may have started more recently perhaps feeling there was no marriage in anything but name? And before anyone else says it of course the mature way to respond to that feeling would have been to talk to the Op not proceed to affairs.
The point I'm making is that it doesn't seem there has been a marriage for a while and whilst the deceit will hurt it doesn't necessarily follow that separation and divorce have to be adversarial.

Yes your STBEXH has been living a lie but so have you. You have been complicit in, and supported his deception because it made your life easier for the children to have a live-in father and for you to have childcare on tap. He has supported and enabled your successful career by being a SAHD and raising your children. That is a valuable contribution. It sounds like now your children are grown he is no longer valuable to you and it’s now more convenient to acknowledge his sexuality and infidelity.

Infidelity is never excusable but it sounds like you’ve both been complicit in this sham marriage for mutual convenience for years, and i’m Not sure you can entirely blame him for the breakdown in your relationship or resent him for what he is entitled to. Consider where you might be with your career now if he’d been honest and he’d left you for another man when the DC were small?

He is entitled to 50% of the assets of the marriage - regardless of cheating.

SAHPs will get a greater share of assets because they are deemed to have made a 'career sacrifice' to care for the children of the family. This will not apply to him, in this case, as the children are adults/he is not their primary carer.

He will not be entitled to any alimony/spousal maintenance, or future earnings, I shouldn't think - again this is for parents still caring for dependent children. Not sure about pension - the pension rule was brought in for housewives who, again, were deemed to have made a career sacrifice for the sake of the family.

Good luck OP - so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible betrayal.

You may find that he is more amenable and open to a lesser split if you agree to keep the reasons for the divorce quiet. I'm not suggesting at all that you blackmail him, but if you can manage to have a relatively calm discussion about the most sensible and fair way to go about the split, then that might be more productive than the very tempting "fire and fury" option.Obviously, that isn't something you can do straight away, it's too raw.

I actually think that helping him to find a place to live is a good idea. Surely he will see that living together is no longer an option? And if he has somewhere to go he may feel more able to be reasonable and work with you to make sensible plans. Don't hide money, that could backfire on you. He will be entitled to a share of your assets, but that has to be better than staying together for the sake of the money.

Has he put his career on hold and forgone a career to look after the dc / your home?

Before letting on that I knew, I would gather as much evidence of adultery as I possibly could. From messages on the iPad (save copies), his phone records, bank statement and anything else you can find. Just incase you can't reach a mutual agreement re: house / finances and it all goes to court.

Stay sensible and try and think things through as rationally as possible before acting. If you have suspected for a long time, the it's not exactly a maddening surprise. Good luck.

You can't hide assets, you'll get into shit.

It's all very sad and upsetting, but you chose to close your eyes to the reality and stay in the marriage and so he'll have a claim on the assets built up over the course of the marriage. Just something to be lived with, really.

Presumably unless you had taken out a pre-nup you would be splitting everything 50/50 which would hopefully leave you both with enough to start anew. But you should get legal advice straight away. I doubt if you can hide money from him, since it would be traceable. It's a rotten situation for you. Why did he live a lie for so long?

It will cost him the respect of his dc. That's costly.

Don't try to hide the money by transferring it to someone else. That will look awful when it comes up in court and it will still get counted as part of the marital estate.

OP, a few things to take into account:

Starting point for division of assets and pension on divorce after a long (over 10 years) marriage is 50/50. It is irrelevant whose name the house etc is in.

Have a look at MCA section 25, which lists the things taken into account.

Don’t try to hide anything as you will probably be expected to produce bank statements etc when filling in Form E (needed if you go to court, though negotiations via yourselves and/or solicitors might need only a simpler version for proof of assets.

If you have funds in a joint bank account, if you do not transfer them to yours, then he probably will to his once he knows your plans.

Sign up to wikivorce which has a lot of useful info.

Sorry this has happened - it seems like this is the last straw for you. I do think you should have a good talk and how you want to proceed. It could be that everything has been just perfect for him up to now - appearing like a happy married man while doing what he wants. However, if the kids are now adults your choice should now be paramount. Good luck.

Wish people would stop giving shit advice that would land the OP legal trouble.

OP it doesn't matter who earned more. You can't sell his stuff, throw him out or hide money. You could get seriously screwed over.

It's a long marriage and a shared life. Doesn't matter who earned more. It's all shared. That will be the starting position.

Get legal advice as soon as they open.

No advice sorry but I have been in your position and just wanted to offer my sympathy.

I walked in on DH with another man.

Sorry OP but have you been asleep for the last 20 yrs. He's still shared a life with you and deserves and is legally entitled to half your accrued wealth. This is no doubt unpalatable and seems unfair - but many a man has had to payout their adulterous/cheating spouse at the end of a marriage. Find your dignity and don't resort to tactics that are really not what anyone deserves. That said, I hope you find happiness living a more honest life without his lying/cheating ways. good luck!

Don't say anything to him about your plans to leave him - or kick him out. Get all your finances in order first. Even if you have to plan for a year it'll be worth it.

I knew a (horrible) woman who's husband had supported her for 12 years. She'd never worked. She planned for two years to leave him. Moved most of his savings (he had inherited family money before they were married) to a bank in another country, had him buy her an expensive car etc. She's also somehow lied to the council and moved into a newly built council house with their child, even though they were living in a nice big new 5 bedroom house. She couldn't get his huge pension because he worked for a foreign government, but she tried her hardest and dragged it on for many months because her lawyer/barrister were paid for by the taxpayers. She'd hidden her money abroad.

I know nowt about these circumstances but you've been lied to, he betrayed you. Ofcourse this is a a shock no matter how much you suspected it. Lots of strength!

Are you sure you want this op? You're already living separate lives. Is carrying on as you are but agreeing you may both see other people and you won't support him other than through housing him a way forward? The advice on Mumsnet is usually to get rid and lawyer up but you've a long marriage and kids involved. Divorce will be distressing and expensive. Tbh I probably hold go for divorce but it's not the only way forward.

Where do I stand if I transfer money to someone else for safety?)

In trouble.

It's not exactly cheating if he is actually gay, it's more that the relationship with the woman was the cheating in a sense as it wasn't based on his biology

I had to give my former wife far more than she was entitled to when we divorced in order to get her to agree to the deal. In the end, you need to ask yourself whether you want money, or happiness. I chose the latter. My days of detached 4 bedroomed houses with double garages and new cars, etc., are all gone but I have never been happier. You need this chap out of your life and there will be a price to pay for that.

You can fight tooth and nail over the finances, but in the end you need to reach an agreement. Meanwhile, the solicitors will love all the arguing, as they'll be earning a fortune.

You could buy yourself extravagant sale items...

He married the OP, so what he is doing is committing adultery, regardless of his ‘biology’.

Technically and legally, adultery is only between people of the opposite sex. Morally or course it is deceit and infidelity.

However don't hide money or try and prevent him access to any money as that will cause trouble for you. I'm divorced, sacrificed my career to look after disabled now-adult DC. I got more than 60% of house equity, generous spousal and big chunk of his pension. The judge was aiming for equality of lifestyles post-divorce. I do work, by the way, but had decades of caring responsibilities so couldn't hope to match his high salary. It may well be similar for your husband. Please take good legal advice.

OP, I have 3 DC, two of which are very young. Found out my husband is gay when the youngest was a newborn. Total bolt out of the blue. That was 18 months ago. I'm totally trapped with him financially and because of the children. How I wish they were older, I'd walk away from him and never look back. At least you are able to escape, I implore you to!
I'm trapped and stuck for decades to come. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You can get out, at least.