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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he abusive, do I need to leave?

52 replies

louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 12:46

Hi all, I need the opinions of some wise women, I have name changed as frankly I'm embarrassed as I often give advice but I'm struggling myself in my marriage of 12 years.

DH is very unorganised and forgetful, loses his keys, phone, bank card etc and it's incredibly frustrating, he then gets shitty or moody with me if I can't immediately fix it for him or if I then get annoyed by it. So 2 days ago when he forgot two things he needed and I then had to sort it for him (making us both late), I said "it's so bloody annoying when you do this as it then becomes my problem and inconveniences me. You don't say sorry babe, my fault I should have remembered x. You are then in a shitty mood with me"

His reply "well when I am running late and have forgotten something that last thing I need is a lecture from you."

I proceeded to say "it's like having 2 children and you are like a manchild"

He then ended the argument with "I hate you and I'm done with you".

We haven't spoken since.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 28/12/2018 13:24

Sounds like an argument from both of you really, but obviously what he is saying about leaving you and hating you is cruel. If you explain to him how you find those comments upsetting and hurtful and he continues... then LTB

eve34 · 28/12/2018 13:31

My ex partner was like this. What I did was to take a hands off approach.

So if he lost his keys I would sit and make suggestion like coat pocket. But I wouldn't actively look.

It is very frustrating. You have my sympathies.

BlueJava · 28/12/2018 13:38

My DP often loses things, but I never actively look for them. I'll make suggestions if he's been looking a while "Oh, did you check x place" or whatever, but I'll just get on with what I am doing or find something to do (like empty the dishwasher) whilst he continue to look. "Let me know when you've found it and we can get going"

Nanalisa60 · 28/12/2018 13:39

yes you have a ManChild!! So really if you still love him then keep him, if you look at him a think I really don’t like you then in the new year maybe it’s time to talk about devoice!! in your own heart you already know the answer!! Only you can decide what to do.

Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 14:22

Erikbroch I have told him so many times when he says things like that it's hurtful. He says he just says it to hurt me and doesn't mean it really. But a month later he does it again.

But is it tit for tat because I called him a manchild? It's like I can't bring up anything he does that frustrates me without a barrage of abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 14:43

He will be home from work in about an hour and I don't know what to do. It will probably turn into a big fight it makes me anxious thinking about it.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 28/12/2018 15:17

I wonder if he has some problem like ADHD or dyspraxia and his coping mechanism is to blame everyone else? Admittedly this is a really shitty coping mechanism but he might not know how else to handle it? I have ADHD and I tend to get annoyed at myself, it can be incredibly stressful. If I was already stressed because of something and someone else started going on about it I have been known to snap at them - this is better since I got diagnosed and started developing more positive coping mechanisms.

He absolutely shouldn't be getting abusive towards you about it regardless, it would be more than enough grounds to leave if you have had enough. The fact his presence makes you anxious is really bad, and might not be something you can get past.

If you aren't ready to give up on the relationship maybe it would be worth stating plainly what the problem is and what you want him to do. Perhaps:

DH. You seem to have issues staying organised. That's really frustrating, I realise. However, it seems that you expect me to take responsibility and either magically fix it when you lose or forget things, or feel personally attacked if I express any irritation at the situation. This isn't fair, you can't just take it out on me. If you have such a problem with organisation perhaps it would be worth going to a doctor. Some conditions can cause these kinds of difficulties and you might be able to find strategies and techniques you can use. At the moment you constantly taking your frustration out on me is making me seriously question our marriage and I don't think I can take much more.

RivanQueen · 28/12/2018 15:36

I have told him so many times when he says things like that it's hurtful. He says he just says it to hurt me and doesn't mean it really. But a month later he does it again.

The fact that he is saying these things to deliberately hurt you is awful louisianna36 and also that him coming home is making you anxious is very concerning. He is 100% a man-child who is throwing a tantrum when you don't jump and fix things for him that are completely his responsibility. I'm sure he isn't like this at work, only with you at home because he can get away with his shitty behaviour. When he makes comments to deliberately hurt you tell him straight away that what he's saying is hurtful and if he doesn't apologise you will leave/go out on your own/not participate in whatever activity you were about to commence/other option of your choice here that gets you away from him. You're not there to be his verbal punching bag and while I personally would kick my DP to the kerb if he was being so disrespectful and cruel as to want to deliberately hurt me, I understand it's not easy to just LTB after 12 years together.

I agree with PP that you need to stop actively assisting your H when he loses something or forgets something. Make suggestions as to where the item might be but don't step in to find it for him. If/when he tries to turn it around on you stay calm and tell him it's up to him to find whatever it is he's looking for. Hopefully when he realises you won't jump in and fix these situations for him he'll start remembering where he put his keys/phone/wallet/decency.

Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 15:39

Thank you bertiebotts I think he does have dyspraxia, I have looked it up before after a thread I posted a year or two ago. But when I told my DH about some of the possible symptoms, he went nuts, yelling that I was calling him disabled, screamed shouted and went ballistic and didn't talk to me for a couple of days again.

He refuses to acknowledge his disorganisation, his family always say "I don't know how you put up with him." in a joking way as they know what he is like, he forgets birthdays, forgets work keys, oversleeps, forgets school events etc.

But it is never his fault, it will be my fault for not reminding him, not calling him to tell him, etc etc. It is so draining.

I could deal with it if over the years he hadn't called me every name under the sun and was so spiteful about things.

I'm so lost.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 28/12/2018 15:44

Then it sounds like you've exhausted all avenues. I'd be out. You can't live like this for god knows how many years :(

Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 15:44

Than you ravenqueen he did throw a tantrum yes. I couldn't avoid helping him though, as even though I was out with a friend he called me 10 times and even called my friend.

He then said "I should be more available to him and answer my fucking phone".

OP posts:
beerandchocolate · 28/12/2018 16:37

Do you want to stay with him?

Tbh, my tolerance of this stuff is now zero. If you can support yourself I would consider if I would be better by myself if I were you.

Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 16:49

The way I'm feeling right now, no.

But he is clever, he will manipulate things and make out it's my fault. He will blame me, by 8pm tonight he will have come home and we will argue and my head will spin.

I'm supposed to be going to Cornwall tomorrow morning for 4 days with his family. What do I do?

OP posts:
Djnoun · 28/12/2018 16:59

I think you sound quite rude.

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 17:00

I would let him go on his own (making sure not to get dragged into helping him pack or find things!) and spend some time thinking about what you want from 2019.

Its bad enough he is expecting you to mother him/be his PA but to be so nasty and spiteful to you when you pick him up on it, doesn't show a huge amount of love and respect for you.

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 17:01

I think you sound quite rude Are you one of those people who expects everyone else to drop everything and help you sort your life out because you're too disorganised to do it yourself Djnoun ?

Djnoun · 28/12/2018 17:05

@RagingWhoreBag

You sound quite rude as well, TBH.

Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 17:59

Djnoun do you have anything to offer other than insults?

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 28/12/2018 18:14

Before I was diagnosed with ADHD-PI (new name for ADD), I had to severely organise myself as I lived alone.

Everything important (keys, glasses, cards, appointment letters) has to be carefully and strategically placed somewhere and these places are my 'go to' places when I'm looking for anything.

By relying on you to pick up after him, he's not learned a damn thing.

Hotchocolate18 · 28/12/2018 18:18

No this isn't abuse. I hate that this term just gets chucked around so easily.

peekyboo · 28/12/2018 18:25

He's a disorganised person, and cruel with him.

You can forgive someone a lot if they're a sweetheart with it, or at least apologetic.

He doesn't need to be organised or apologetic, he has you running after him and taking whatever he throws at you.

He probably replaces his tiny lost manhood by shouting at you.

Original poster
louisianna36 · 28/12/2018 18:42

It possibly doesn't hotchocolate18 in this one post, but there is a pattern to his behaviour that I don't think is healthy.
Name calling, explosive temper, has thrown and smashed things before, lies, twists and manipulates things so his mistakes are my fault.

More context helps I know but I would be writing an essay.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 28/12/2018 19:08

It's the silent treatment and name calling that is basically manipulative.

I have a bowl opposite the front door where I dump everything, glasses, bag, keys. That's my starting point. Spare glasses in car. Sometimes I get everyone to help me find something but I am very grateful. Car keys are always in DHs pocket which drives me to distraction.

VI0LET · 28/12/2018 19:15

Everything important (keys, glasses, cards, appointment letters) has to be carefully and strategically placed somewhere and these places are my 'go to' places when I'm looking for anything

But isn’t that what most NT people do as well?

Gingernaut · 28/12/2018 19:39

Probably.

But it's hard work for me. With or without medication.

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