Am I needy or is my mother unusual?

[2018poster]

I’ve had a rubbish time lately. This year in fact. In summer I broke down while at my parents, my mum sat eyes glued to the tv and said ‘come on now we are trying to watch this.’ I was upset over a very bad break up and just needed her attention and a chat. Her reaction reminded me why I rarely ever expose my feelings with her. I felt worthless and like my sadness was an inconvenience to her.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve had a hard time with work. I asked her to meet for a coffee tomorrow for a chat. We live an hour and 15 mins apart, it is out of the question that she’d come to me so I always meet her 20 mins from her house at a cafe. She told me this morning that she doesn’t want to have to leave the house tomorrow as she’s had a long week.

I want to be fair with the details given. The reason I am upset is that she acknowledged earlier this week that I seemed down. I then reach out and ask her to meet and she basically can’t be bothered? This is why I am hurt. She works part time and is in her mid fifties - I’m mid thirties. Maybe I don’t appreciate that she is too tired? Maybe I am expecting too much?

I feel a bit hopeless today as I have the feeling my friends have mums who would (literally) drive miles to be with them in a time of need. Mine doesn’t even want to drive 20 minutes, let alone come to my home. Having said that, despite the fact that it is VERY rare I ever properly ask for suppprt or show I am upset in front of her - is has happened twice this year - at these times what I need is long chats, talking things through. So maybe I am demanding? Maybe it is too much?

I feel conflicted. I would love it if she noticed I was sad and then took some action. Meeting her for an hour would have given me a boost, just to know she was there.

I usually don’t feel sad about the fact she will never come over or set aside time to spend together unless I travel, but today I’m just hopeless. I feel like she isn’t there in my time of need, but maybe that’s unfair?

Also what I mean is I don’t expect her to necessarily notice I am unhappy, but when she does recognise it and comment, it would then be comforting to know she wants to take action - put the kettle on, meet up, etc

Hi, I could have written this myself. I remember breaking down at the dinner table a couple of years ago, lots of stress, bad time etc and my mother just repeated "mmm, lovely meal isn't it? Aren't we lucky to have a good local butcher?" Etc. It has been like this forever, problems ignored, never allowed to be upset. I have no advice I'm afraid, but will watch with interest, just wanted you know you're not alone. And I don't think we're needy

I feel your pain and am looking for similar answers. Hope other people can help you xx hugs xx

I feel a bit hopeless today as I have the feeling my friends have mums who would (literally) drive miles to be with them in a time of need
It's not you OP.
I would totally be there for my DD.
And yes, I'd drive miles to be there for her.
You are NOT needy.
That is what mums are for.
But yours isn't there for you.
Do you have close friends you could confide in?
Some counselling might help you as well.
You can't rely on her for emotional support.
So I'm afraid you are going to have to find it elsewhere.

She is who she is and you will not change her. I know it is sad to have a Mum who seems to be insensitive and wrapped up in her own life; but you have a clear choice - you either let it get to you and compare her with other "ideal" Mums that your friends have, or you make up your mind that you are not going to carry this crap around for the rest of your life.

You have to stop expecting anything from her. Tough, but the other option is a waste of life.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I have been there and done all that and I speak as one who knows. Focus on your immediate family, your friends and your interests. Anything else is a lost cause.

Hi both posters - so sorry you have had these experiences! My parents blow hot and cold.

yorkshirelass that is exactly something my mum would say! And it just crushes you doesn’t it, totally minimises your feelings like you are worthless.

I don’t think I am needy either but given my mum takes this approach with such a relaxed manner, it makes me wonder if I am missing something. Maybe I expect too much of her.

hellsbells I have friends but sometimes you just need your mum you know?

I sometimes wonder if it’s because I am mid thirties maybe I shouldn’t need her support. Or maybe she gets more tired that I understand. It’s just odd as she will go all over the place with my dad and go to events and holidays. But twenty minutes in the car on a busy weekend to prioritise me is totally off the cards.

My mum is EXACTLY the same as yours. All me and my siblings feel is constant disappointment. I don't have any words to help but I want you to know you are not the only one feeling this way. I see parents who are there for their daughters and know I can't rely on my own mother. It's sad, depressing and I'm at a stage in my life where I need support and don't have them.
You are not needy. As someone who is now a mother herself, I would do ANYTHING, travel ANY amount to be there for my children at any time night or day. I don't understand why some parents wouldn't. I know my mother was neglected a lot growing up and has her own issues, but I feel like I was too and yet am able to rise above that for my children.

I just want to send you love, sadly I have no solution xx

thisuserbame would you go and see them if they asked? Even as an adult child? Would you give up an evening and drive over an hour?

My mum has never done this but then I’ve never asked. I just cannot for one second think she would drop anything for me given that she can’t eceb meet when I’m feeling low.

This is my mother... Took me 38 years to realise it wasn't me and it was all her. I took a overdose due to some serious issues and a cry for help really.. I survived thankfully. Two weeks later it was her wedding anniversary meal.... I went as I'd been invited weeks before she took photos of everyone but me. Would t speak to me etc (list is endless) a few days later she put a letter through my door telling me how upset she was I'd ruined her meal and how she would ever forgive me etc. Always been ashamed of me blah blah. That was it and I snapped and cut her off...... Its not you at all. Its her... For all three of my kids I'd do whatever I needed to do to be with them and have done even when my own health was at its worst.you are not needy or wanting too much. She just has nothing to give. I feel for you xxxx

This is so sad to read.

Something does happen to women’s brain chemistry around menopause which allows them to be more selfish for themselves.

Trying to play devils advocate if they were attentive mother’s until this stage of your life I wonder if they are putting themselves first?

My mum died when I was in my early twenties. I’ve had to create a support network for times like these; friends, older ladies I’ve become friends with and a good councillor.

I have had days that should have been filled with my mum and spending time together and felt so lonely. So I can really empathise with you all.

I don’t think anyone on here sounds needy or as thought they’re asking too much. I think some parents get their children to adult ages and almost withdraw their support. It’s very sad especially when it feels as though the world around you is full of close mother daughters.

I’ve learnt through the last year it’s sometimes a pointless effort to try to understand why someone is the way they are. Concentrate on yourself and minimising the impact they have on you and your life.

goandplay my parents have actually said they are putting themselves first now. They actually say these things, that it’s their time.

They believe they gave me and my siblings everything for a good start in life and that’s their job done. Unfortunately the one thing I needed was emotional support and time and that’s the one things that’s always been in short supply. Almost non existent now.

I just want her to have asked me to meet for once, and to have suggested maybe even coming here because I am having a hard time. I wanted to be her priority. It’s so rare I reach out. This is why.

Parents can be so hard, can't they?

My issues with my mother are slightly different, but I feel like I can relate to your situation. Overtime, I've come to realise something about my own mother, which, I wonder, may apply to yours?

1. My mother struggles to see me and my own siblings as adults, thus any issues that we have are often dismissed. 2. As a result, she doesn't believe that any of us could ever be as tired/busy/upset as she is. 3. as a result, she continuously feels hard done by (and is a complete martyr).

I've also realised that my mother has/still suffers (either without realising, or without acknowledging) from mental health disorders, as she has always been very unstable emotionally, and she has very bad anxiety - thus she finds it easier to cut herself off from others around her (friends and family), rather than deal with more worry. (I feel so sorry and fustrated with her in equal measure about this!).

I'm not sure if this is the same, but I do I hope your relationship with your own mother can deepen at some point. However, more importantly is that you practice self love, and stay strong

‘I don’t think I am needy either but given my mum takes this approach with such a relaxed manner, it makes me wonder if I am missing something. Maybe I expect too much of her.’

It’s not that you are expecting too much. You are just expecting too much from HER specifically.

You need a bit of emotional support. She is incapable of giving it, for whatever reason. I think it’s time you accept her for the way she is and realise you will have to get emotional support from elsewhere.

My family are crap at anything emotional. So I have learnt to care for myself and support myself, in all the ways that they don’t.

I think everyone hopes their family will be loving and supportive. But sadly sometimes it just won’t be that way. It’s best to accept and adjust your expectations. Then you won’t feel let down.

Is there anyone else you can go to for support?

Sorry you are upset OP.

It’s your mum who has the problem not you. The sooner you realise how she is and the fact that you can’t change her the better.

I’m now in my mid 40’s and struggled for years that my mum wasn’t like my friends mums. I could never be upset or chat to her.

My dear dad died. When I cried in his passing I was told to stop crying, I had no reason to be upset he was ‘my’ (her) husband. 4 years ago I had a bad accident overseas (an hour flight away). I was on my own, in a foreign country near enough in intensive care. My mum didn’t think to come and visit me (I was hospitalised for 3 weeks before coming back to the UK).

These 2 things have been the tipping point for me and I have cut almost all communication. Phoned her recently and she was so unpleasant (sharp one word answers and all about herself) that it reminded me why I had cut communication.

You can’t change these people but you can change how you deal with it.

My heart broke a little reading this :( Of course yanbu- we all need our mum some times.

Mine is a pain in that I have to go to her (she's local) but never comes to my house - I think she's been once in 3 years yet I go to hers a couple of times a week. And she's stubborn so If we have a disagreement I have to reach out first and back down BUT she is there for me whether I break down or stub my toe, she will stay on the phone for hours whilst i cry it out, I can go to her house unannounced and stay as long as I like, she's not a big hugger but she will make me a brew and listen - I couldn't image her ever saying she couldn't be bothered, it would hurt a lot.

Could you write down how you feel and how you'd like her to respond in future and send her it as a letter so she can process it and hopefully respond in a way that allows you to reach a happy medium?

In the meantime these are for you 💐 I hope you feel better about things soon op

My Mum has passed and she was sometimes there for me , sometimes less so.

I think her 'being there for me' depended on her opinion about my problem. So .... if she thought I should pull myself together as it was 'all down to me' she'd be less sympathetic or if she was going through a difficult time and judged that my problems were less crisis-filled than hers, she'd be less than sympathetic.

I learned to deal with my problems myself in the main.

I also learned to be a different type of Mum than she was

Imo you can't change people, so ultimately you have to accept and suck it up

You are not needy. Your mother is inadequate and probably always has been. She lacks imagination and empathy.
Feel sad for the relationship you can't have with her, because she's incapable. Sadly it's not rare.
Then reevaluate where you can get support from and develop and sustain those relationships.

I play that role for good friends who have unhelpful or no mothers. They are not needy but we all need other people.

myfamilyandotheranimals that is EXACTLY what my mum is like. that 1, 2, 3 summary is exactly it - i couldmt have put it any better.

i just called her and she said "i've done nothing but cook all week (she means with my other siblings there - i left on Boxing Day) and i am tired and stressed and want time for myself. how can you expect me now to have to travel and go and sit somewhere with you? im not driving over to X place tomorrow."

i explained that it was about needing some support, just a short chat. she said she had been around all week, what more did i want. i explained that christmas day isnt the same as sitting having a chat with her over a coffee.

she said her mother wouldnt even have invited her to her house when she was my age and im not even grateful for it.

i actually feel sorry for her. she cant cope with me needing anything from her and i need to stop seeking it dont i. posters are right, it is for me to find an alternative source of emotional support. luckily i do have some amazing friends i can turn to.

i feel sad that she clearly thinks she has gone above and beyond by inviting us over for christmas. what a weird thing to say.

i love her though but dragging up the oppotunity for her to ignore me when i need her is not the way forward. i need to come up with new coping mechanisms for when things feel tough. thank you to all the posters xxx

gina my mum is very much like that. she decides how i should be feeling and for how long. it is luck of the draw if she belives in how you feel.

i would love kids and if i ever have them i will always want to be the mum that gives up time for them. time is all but everything to a child, in my opinion.

mouseville if i wrote a letter or email my parents would, togehter, tear it apart. i would be called insensitive, cruel, ungrateful (being the big one).

there is literally no point trying to explain anything to them.

reading your post i realised my mum has never been to my home more than twice in 4 years and both times with my dad, when they were on a shopping trip nearby (i live in a city, they dont).

"Something does happen to women’s brain chemistry around menopause which allows them to be more selfish for themselves."

Goandplay, that is complete and utter bullshit.
"Brain chemistry" doesn't remove an existing sense of empathy.