Am I needy or is my mother unusual?

[2018poster]

I’ve had a rubbish time lately. This year in fact. In summer I broke down while at my parents, my mum sat eyes glued to the tv and said ‘come on now we are trying to watch this.’ I was upset over a very bad break up and just needed her attention and a chat. Her reaction reminded me why I rarely ever expose my feelings with her. I felt worthless and like my sadness was an inconvenience to her.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve had a hard time with work. I asked her to meet for a coffee tomorrow for a chat. We live an hour and 15 mins apart, it is out of the question that she’d come to me so I always meet her 20 mins from her house at a cafe. She told me this morning that she doesn’t want to have to leave the house tomorrow as she’s had a long week.

I want to be fair with the details given. The reason I am upset is that she acknowledged earlier this week that I seemed down. I then reach out and ask her to meet and she basically can’t be bothered? This is why I am hurt. She works part time and is in her mid fifties - I’m mid thirties. Maybe I don’t appreciate that she is too tired? Maybe I am expecting too much?

I feel a bit hopeless today as I have the feeling my friends have mums who would (literally) drive miles to be with them in a time of need. Mine doesn’t even want to drive 20 minutes, let alone come to my home. Having said that, despite the fact that it is VERY rare I ever properly ask for suppprt or show I am upset in front of her - is has happened twice this year - at these times what I need is long chats, talking things through. So maybe I am demanding? Maybe it is too much?

I feel conflicted. I would love it if she noticed I was sad and then took some action. Meeting her for an hour would have given me a boost, just to know she was there.

I usually don’t feel sad about the fact she will never come over or set aside time to spend together unless I travel, but today I’m just hopeless. I feel like she isn’t there in my time of need, but maybe that’s unfair?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Sometimes we all just need mum, but if my mum has been hosting Christmas I won't call her to offload my emotional stuff either. I would think emotionally she could be in a bad place too. Hosting Christmas is hard work.

What I find really interesting when I hang out with my mum and her friends, is all the discussions they have about not being like their cruel mums. They really do think they have tried their hardest for us, just as we think we are doing for our children.

It's like a vicious cycle. My mum is not perfect and can be emotionally unavailable when she is in pain or a bit low. I insist she doesn't treat me as a child anymore so I don't treat her as mum anymore and expect her to drop everything to make me feel better. I accept her as she is and don't compare her to other mums. Some of the things she has done in the past will have people suggesting I go NC. But I realised a while back that the people who chose to focus only on their mum's faults were always unhappier than the ones who just accepted them as human beings with flaws. You have said some really nice things about your mum too so she is not all bad. Are you there for her emotionally? How did you support her over the holidays when she was hosting all of you?

I really agree EllieMillie, I think op's mother sounds a thoughtless and dismissive, but then past my midteens I can't remember asking for emotional support from my mother, practical support yes because mortgages or a diy problem would have required experience I didn't have. Emotionally it's friends and partner, some of my friends have counsellors too. My mum would never visit me before grandkids arrived, but that's what I am used to..it seems normal to visit the family home and meet with siblings there and my mum would host us beautifully-cooking and cleaning after us. Once my dad died she needed my support via the phone and then when I had kids she was a great practical help and she visited me then. there's been a definite shift....now she's in Her 70s I feel it's very much my job to look after her. I would definitely like to think i would meet up with my adult daughter, but right now, having hosted Christmas, I do feel I have done my job for a few days at least. To me, what you asking of her sounds like what I ask from my husband and even more like what I ask from a small group of female friends...We share problems and support each other because mostly we're going through similar stuff st the same time. Whatever the rights or wrongs of it, she won't change, and I think you need to look for support elsewhere.