Am I needy or is my mother unusual?

[2018poster]

I’ve had a rubbish time lately. This year in fact. In summer I broke down while at my parents, my mum sat eyes glued to the tv and said ‘come on now we are trying to watch this.’ I was upset over a very bad break up and just needed her attention and a chat. Her reaction reminded me why I rarely ever expose my feelings with her. I felt worthless and like my sadness was an inconvenience to her.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve had a hard time with work. I asked her to meet for a coffee tomorrow for a chat. We live an hour and 15 mins apart, it is out of the question that she’d come to me so I always meet her 20 mins from her house at a cafe. She told me this morning that she doesn’t want to have to leave the house tomorrow as she’s had a long week.

I want to be fair with the details given. The reason I am upset is that she acknowledged earlier this week that I seemed down. I then reach out and ask her to meet and she basically can’t be bothered? This is why I am hurt. She works part time and is in her mid fifties - I’m mid thirties. Maybe I don’t appreciate that she is too tired? Maybe I am expecting too much?

I feel a bit hopeless today as I have the feeling my friends have mums who would (literally) drive miles to be with them in a time of need. Mine doesn’t even want to drive 20 minutes, let alone come to my home. Having said that, despite the fact that it is VERY rare I ever properly ask for suppprt or show I am upset in front of her - is has happened twice this year - at these times what I need is long chats, talking things through. So maybe I am demanding? Maybe it is too much?

I feel conflicted. I would love it if she noticed I was sad and then took some action. Meeting her for an hour would have given me a boost, just to know she was there.

I usually don’t feel sad about the fact she will never come over or set aside time to spend together unless I travel, but today I’m just hopeless. I feel like she isn’t there in my time of need, but maybe that’s unfair?

northenspirit i am so sorry to read that. how awful. you sound lovely. xx

OP, you might try reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
It's not you, it's them, and as you can't change them, it would be more helpful for you to find a way of dealing with the situation.

thanks. i am not sure they are necessarily toxic? is that a fair assessment?

what i am worried about is that i am TOTALLY different around them than i am with friends. i am outwardly caring, empathetic, loving to my friends. i am not like that with my parents - there is a huge block. i dont know why.

@2018poster - something else...

I forgot to mention in my post, that it's only been recently that I realised quite how emotionally detached my parents are...

I have always known that my parents are a bit different from most. However, since I've got to know my parents-in-law, the difference between my DH parents and my parents has become glaring.

My mil would do Anything for my DH (my DH often jokes that if he became a murder, his mother would still do anything for him). She would fly to Australia to meet him (or me, come to think of it!) for a coffee.

She is lovely. But, having met many of my friends parents, I don't believe that she is an exception. - I believe there are many parents out there who would do anything for their child, no matter their age.

Many of my friends have very close relationship with their parents, which I'm quite jealous of, to tell the truth.

Don't let it get to you, and you can be certain in the fact that your parents are not normal - it's not you, it's them! X

I'd do anything for my adult kids. Can't understand your mum.
You seem quite insightful about your parents.
But once you realise it's them not use you will feel happier.

(Oh and regarding how we act around our parents- my Mum knew just how to push all my buttons - she was the only one who ever made me properly angry). (I am not an angry person at all!). (I think it's because we're so similar?)

myfamily thanks for replying. i feel this loss that i just wont have that. they almost seem annoyed if i ask them to visit - the last time over a year ago and my dad said i should be the one travelling to them as they are older now. both in their fifties so i query why that is relevant - they travel the world together!

to be honest i think they each support the other and make each other worse. one year on my sisters birthday we had met her for lunch and picked her up on the way - on the way back my mum wanted to stop and go clothes shopping for herself - therefore making my sister late for her evening plans with friends. my dads reasoning was that our mum "never has chance to go to these big shops"... i rememebr thinking..it''s x's birthday, just for once make the day about her and not you! in fact i think i did say that and they were shocked we were so ungrateful....

‘what i am worried about is that i am TOTALLY different around them than i am with friends. i am outwardly caring, empathetic, loving to my friends. i am not like that with my parents - there is a huge block. i dont know why.’

I can totally relate to this. I used to feel like 2 different people! I wondered what was wrong with me. Now I realise it is because my family are a bit cold emotionally, and I mirror back their behaviour when I am with them. How can I be warm, happy, caring with them, when I get nothing back. It’s like there is a wall up between us.

However friends are warm, open, caring, easy to talk to, supportive, and so am I when I am with them. That’s because in healthy relationships there is give and take.

Your family is not open to accepting the emotional parts of you. At least now you recognise this, and can move forward.

It’s hard to admit that your family isn’t what you need them to be. But it is quite freeing when realise you can get what you need elsewhere.

robin thanks for the post. i feel as if my friends are there for me much more than my mum.

my parents would give the impression i am needy (were they ever asked). i honestly do not think i put undue pressure on friends or family for support - i am very independent and it is only at times when i have felt at rock bottom that i have reached out.

the more i think about it the more i realise how shit both my parents' upbringing was. neither had consistent support and love - they had very traumatic and disjointed childhoods - one parent had a parent die and the other lived with a man who had all sorts of affairs and shipped off my dad to various schools. both my paretns believe me and my siblings have had it all in comparison to them

messybun my parents i think are much warmer than me - they will show affection more and be open about saying they love me etc. i just feel i cannot show any sense of vulnerability i think. with a friend i would totally be able to empathise with them and do nice things for them, with my parents i just find it awkward. they see and treat me and my feelings like those of a child, so perhaps it is to do with that.

You aren't needy at all. Your mother is emotionally stunted. She doesn't know HOW to help you. She may care more than you think and just can't show it or she may not, but it's a situation you have no control over and its certainly not your fault. She thinks "she's been there for you" by inviting you for Xmas. That says it all. It's no reflection on you or your worth.

So you need to find a way forward to accept this and counselling is probably a good idea.

YANBU for feeling disappointed in her YABU if you feel that this is your fault or something about you. It's all about her I'm afraid and you've been dealt a crap hand of cards. Most decent mothers would willingly do much more than what you've asked for.

yule even though i know instinctively that her comment about xmas is quite cruel, i feel guilty for feeling that way. she isnt a bad person. i just wish we had a proper relationship. i always feel so rubbish whenever i leave my parents.

I’ve never had a mother who gives emotional support - so I’m a bit surprised that you’re in your mid 30s and you and you haven’t figured her out yet.

That’s what friends, siblings and counsellors are for.

To be perfectly honest, if your mum has done all the cooking for the family for Christmas week, I can totally understand why she doesn’t feel like driving over and giving you more support. It’s knackering.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all. Just because she isn't a bad person at heart and may not be able to help it, or is a product of her own upbringing, doesn't mean that she's a good mother. By all means feel sorry for her, or pity the fact that she's lost out on a normal mother/daughter relationship, but don't feel guilty. This is her baggage that is having a detrimental effect on you. It's not your fault for wanting a tiny bit of emotional support occasionally. You're certainly not asking for much.

You can understand the reasons why she is like she is but still acknowledge that this has resulted in you having a raw deal. Every child wants to feel loved and supported, whatever their age. You've missed out on that and that is sad. Fell sorry for yourself and her, but don't feel guilty.

Please try counselling. The situation sucks.

Bless you OP and others who have or still having this problem. I have 2 adult DC, and would move heaven and earth for them. We are not kissy cuddly type, and I’m no earth mother, but they know they can come to me with any issues.

I really really feel for you

You're not being unreasonable at all. It's sad when parents don't try to help adult children. A good lesson to us never to neglect our children's needs when they are grown up.

Bless you. You'll have lots of support on here (not the same I know). x

My mum is the same. Had a bad upbringing, dad died when she was 7 her mum worked all hours and the kids fending for themselves. She's stone cold inside. I got upset a few weeks ago and made a comment about having anxiety but all I got from her is "what for" in the tone of you haven't got anything to be anxious about so stop complaining. It's the same with everything. She's been there done that survived so everyone else can shut up. I'd love to meet for a drink or catch up, go out socialise just anything but it's not to be so j have to look in the form of a mother figure (neighbours are lovely round here) bit sad though. It's going to stay with me my whole life not feeling "welcome" or wanted

clearthinking that is exactly how my mum would be about anxiety. also both paretns seem to have the attitude that their lives were far far harder than anything that is going on in mine. in my dad's case it almost emerges as jealosuy - my sibling didnt want to talk about their holiday in summer because my dad was so strange about hearing about it.

my mum isnt cold, though. she can be very sensitive. i just think she sees me as a child with child feelings that dont really matter. i will never get that rush of love and desperation to do anything to actually be there for me.

having read this thread i have thought about things and like one poster said above, there can be other things your mum is better at. and that is actually true. she'd be hugely helpful with me looking for a mortgage, for example, or wanting help finding a new job. it's just the emotional aspect which is shit and the fact that everything time wise is on on her terms - i.e. if there's something else she;d rather be doing, that comes first, no matter what.

I sometimes wonder if calling her book Toxic Parents was a wise move by Susan Forward. For me, I had to take a large gulp when I ordered it, and felt very guilty.
In my case, the more I read, the more I realise how toxic my upbringing was, although my parents didn't intend it to be. Its It's difficult for me that my mother has never acknowledged it & continues to put her needs above mine. So long as I haven't inadvertently annoyed her it's fine, but if I have then watch out!

Your mums attitude is affecting your mental health, I'd say that's a toxic effect. Probably worth giving the book a go, you can order it for Kindle on Amazon quite cheaply, if you don't have a Kindle to read it on you can download the app free.

My brother is like this. My mum is too but in a different way, more abusive. I understand the feeling of being abandoned emotionally, it's really hard. Have you got older women friends or men friends even that can give you similar? Can you see a psychotherapist, I did for a few years and am much better.

To be fair, my mum does make the effort on birthdays and Christmas. Will always get a lovely outfit, toys, things we do use. She leaves us to it, doesn't judge to your face. But I would love a nan figure as o lost both of mine. Im so glad of the older women friends i know!

You talk about your mum, but you don't say much about your relationship with your sisters. Is it a good, supportive one?

People are different, I guess. My parents live at least 250 miles away since I was 18 and left for studies >25 years ago. If I am sick or we need a babysitter (8 year old kid) she (or my dad or both) will come, no questions asked. However, that is not often (once or twice a year max?). Before my son was born, this was very rare. Once, with 19 she fetched me cause I was sick. I have always had the feeling my parents have my back. But it never would have occurred to me to involve them in my emotional stuff. I‘ll inform them (moving in together, trying for baby, holiday plans...), but no emotional stuff. My sister is different though, in some periods of her life she may have hour long talks with mom (300 miles away), several days a week if TSHTF (visit also not more than 1-2 times a year. We all meet up on Christmas).

Not sure why you don‘t just drive the whole way OP. What are 2x20 minutes more, in the grand scheme of things? Alternatively, why not call instead? Or If mum won‘t give you the emotional support you need, anyway, why even bother at all?

Definitely not you, and I would expect my daughter call me whatever the problem. My daughter, aged 17 was upset and called me, I was in library so i packed up and went home. Couldn't focus knowing my daughter needed me or was upset. She did message that she just wanted a chat and to not leave my study.

A great book by Peg Streep is what I've looked at and have contacted her via Facebook. She has listened and responded with care and consideration. It's called The Daughter Detox. It might help?