Realistic budget for partner working away?

[Madmozzie]

My h will be working away for the majority of the coming year, and will be getting slightly increased pay because of it. We have spoken numerous times about saving up for various things, but don't manage to save much on usual pay. I have been unsuccessful in increasing my income, so there's nothing to rely on from that area.

I'd like him to set a budget, as some other colleagues do, but in the past he just spends as he likes. Even though the company provides meals, he will go out for dinner every weekend he can, and often every evening for weeks at a stretch. This is of course followed up by drinks in bars, often til the early hours, as well as sightseeing, some hotel stays and the usual weekend lunches and shopping you do while away from home and bored.
It's the frequent meals out which really annoy me, as there's no way me and the kids could afford to do that, and I don't see how he can justify that treat so often esp as meals are already provided. Many of his colleagues are not married with kids, so it's not the same for them. I can understand getting bored while away, but he surely could meet up for drinks after and not treat himself to eating out so often? Me and the DC font eat out, sightsee etc, and I can't remember the last time I went out for drinks either with or without him!

So what would be a realistic budget? Eating out twice a week (still more than I do!)? A set amount of money per week? No matter what I suggest, I think it will meet with some resistance when it comes down to actually sticking with it, so how do other ppl go about it? It's our best opportunity for saving money, otherwise I'll just be scrimping in other areas while he's out living the high life.

Whenever either of us get extra pay that isn't permanent we stick all of it into savings to be spent on something specific for the family, not to be frittered away or for us to become dependent on the extra income. Why not do this then if your DH chooses to spend what's left of his money ( after bills and other family obligations) on eating out and booze that's up to him.

" Even though the company provides meals, he will go out for dinner every weekend he can, and often every evening for weeks at a stretch. This is of course followed up by drinks in bars, often til the early hours, as well as sightseeing, some hotel stays and the usual weekend lunches and shopping you do while away from home and bored. "

he is just taking the piss. What would he do if he was at home? Watch TV and go to bed? He can still do that while away.

It's family money. I understand if he wants to go out and enjoy himself when it's just his money - I'm single and childfree, I might want to behave as he is. But he has a family. This isn't on. I suppose you might compromise on twice a week drinks but that's about it really.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure exactly how that would work in practice fairy. We could put the extra away, but then how would he know what was 'his' money to spend? I'm still at home spending on unexpected bills/school costs/things breaking etc, so we don't have a specific sum left at the end of the month as it varies as to what's happened.

I can understand wanting to get out and about with colleagues more if the alternative is going back to your room (communal TV so not always an option), esp when away from home for a long stretch with others who are always out, as I'm sure it gets boring. But yes, it does feel like taking the piss!

What if he has a separate account and his pay comes to the main account at home and then a percentage goes back to him for discretionary spending every month. Plus a similar amount into savings. Obviously the amount depends on how much is left over after regular expenses at home are paid. 10-20% if you can afford it?

Surely the downside of working away is that it is boring and lonely, but that’s what you have to put up with for the added income.

That's an idea mindutopia. Would I get a similar discretionary amount for having to do everything at home myself without the perks of having my meals cooked for me, kid free evenings and weekends etc? :)
I do feel me and the kids should get some benefit from the extra money too, as although we have the comforts of home, they are missing their dad, and I'm doing everything at home and with them every evening and weekend, so tbh there's no perks for us in him being away. Quite the opposite.

The principle of saving as a couple is fine as is the idea of budgeting as a couple. It’s how you go about about could be the problem.

So I will straight out say that if my partner set a budget for me I would tell him to do one.

There have been lots of posts that highlight the variation in how couples agree their finances. You might want to read up, I am sure you will get suggestions and opinions anyway. Then agree with him or her how you both want to manage your money and income. But recognise that he doesn’t see saving as being important right now, consciously or sub consciously.

Do you work as well?
I wouldn't accept my husband giving me a budget for extra money I made.

I agree he should set a limit, him working away should have some benefit thank you the family either short or long term. You get to work and look after kids and do everything at home and by the sounds of it he dosnt even come home at weekends?

While I agree if food is only provided in the hotel it may get rather boring but there is a middle space so he can go out and socialise and you not having to scrimp and save to accomade his Funtime. If it was reversed would he be happy workinhand do everything at home and managing on less money than norma so you can work and then live like a Young single person?

He has said as much as me that we should be saving some of the money, and agreed a budget is a good idea, it's just the details which we need to work on.
shoxfordian do you and your partner keep your finances separate then? Do you have children together? We have both always put our wages together to spend on the family. Personal spending has never been excessive by either of us, and we have never needed a budget /allowance for that. The reason he can work away is because I am available to look after the kids/pets/house/everything back home, so I fail to see how this extra money is his alone, to spend as he wishes. As I stated, he gets perks and loads of free time while working away, which I dont get either. As a matter of fact, I did make a bit of extra money preXmas. It went into the bank account as all other money does. I didn't begrudge this and want to keep it for myself just because I'd earned extra!

OP, it's not fair. He is not single and he has responsibility towards his family. You are taking all the burden of looking after kids and running a household while he is free of all those things. The least he can do is try to save as much as he can. He could still have drinks with colleagues couple of times a week but spending money on eating out frequently and all the other activities is just too much. Suggest that instead he makes a list of books he could read, he could join a gym or go swimming - it's way cheaper than wining and dining and it's actually good for him.

Thanks never. I wondered if I was being a bit mean about it, because when my dad worked away he would try to bring back as much money with him as possible. I'm not asking for that extreme, but I'd think a kid free weekend was enough of a perk, let alone going out to a nice restaurant with a bunch of colleagues and pissing away a load of money in beer!

My DH works away a lot and he tries to stay within his Out Allowance. That means his work does not subtract from the family pot - which is why it is there I'm the first place.

We have never had the budget conversation, he just dies what us sensible, but many of his colleagues seem to forget they still have family and a home to support.

Sadly it causes many break ups. Maybe a long sit down discussion is needed.

Good look getting him to really listen and understand the real issues.

We don't have children. We have a joint account for bills and then separate accounts for our own expenses like going out with friends etc.
Seems odd to me to have just one joint account but if that works for you.

If there's enough in the account then take the kids out yourself. How do you manage the account now?

When my DH has worked abroad I have never asked him how he spends his salary. He has always paid the things he irresponsible for on the home front and my outgoings dropped as I was not paying so much on food and wine. When he has been away for a while he has lived in shared apartments with no meals provided. Depending on the location, he would eat out every evening. This often worked out easier than coping with shopping and cooking after a long day. Also, I would want him to be able to socialise with his peers, otherwise it would be a pretty lonely existence.

Is responsible!

Ask him what he wants to do. Don't try and set him a budget, you're not his parent and he'll resent you for it.

When I worked away, I did meals and drinks out both to keep myself busy (hotel rooms are lonely and boring, however much the idea appeals to you right now), and to socialise with colleagues and feel like I wasn't living to work.

I was always mindful that if I blew all my money, working away would have had no real benefit, but I didn't have a budget.

You already sound quite resentful that he gets time away from your children and that he's doing things you regard as fun. Adding an enforced budget in is just likely to build resentment even more, which isn't likely to help the state of your relationship.

I transfer money to my Monzo card each month and that's my fun money - for buying coffee or a little treats for myself. When it's gone, it's gone.

So he has meals already catered on site - like a forces mess or similar? Mass-produced food can get a bit lacking in variety after a while, so going out for a meal (lunch or evening) once or twice a week is probably reasonable and part of getting out or socialising as a group. I also think it is reasonable for him to be able to sightsee a bit while he is there. But the cost of this needs to be kept within limits and a meal shouldn't be costing more than he would spend if he was at home.

Perhaps show him what kind of lump sum could be saved if he kept a limited budget for the working away period?

I don't think you are being mean.
My dad used to work away Mon-Fri, usually in the countryside/mountain region and he was spending money on things for the family - he used to buy organic cheese, honey, meat, earthenware pots for cooking and such stuff. But then he's always been a lovely family type and not the selfish, abusive, cheating type I ended marrying.
Anyway, I would to talk to him and explain how you feel and suggest things HE could do to save some money for the benefit of all of you - maybe make a plan - we could put that money towards a lovely holiday/ bigger house/new car...
Goodluck!

It also depends on why he is working away. DH has never done it as a money making exercise and we have benefited by joining him for holidays we otherwise wouldn't have had, but the long weeks / months of working and looking after children can be hard when you get no respite.

shox the separate accounts for individual spending would not work for us - as I said, the reason he is able to continue in his better paid and quite interesting career while still having a family, is because I look after everything at home. This has severely restricted my career and earnings, so I hope you understand why it would be unfair to only have our individual earnings as individual spending, if this is what you were suggesting? In addition to his work perks and child free time, he would have a much greater proportion of money to spend, and the free time to do so, without all the drudge of making your own meals, cleaning, looking after kids, etc.

I obviously do take the kids out myself a lot, as he is away so much, and always have done. Usually its non-expensive local things, but we might have one or two big days out sightseeing somewhere, with one or two nights away maximum in a year. Not on the scale of his outings, which recently amounted to an extra three weekends in different hotels sightseeing, out of a six week away block!

LadyLapsang I have not had a problem or asked about it before. However, this year he seemed to be eating out a lot, and when meals are already provided that's an unnecessary expense if you are supposedly trying to save money. It seems a bit unfair if I am being frugal with the kids at home and he is passing up a free meal already provided (with colleagues, so it's not exactly antisocial) in order to eat out and go boozing so often.

He needs some flexibility to be able to socialise sometimes but I agree it’s not fair for him to be living the high life while you are stuck doing everything at home 24/7.

Me and my DH share all income and it goes into a joint account. If one of us gets a pay rise we both benefit equally, whether that be in terms of increased family savings or increased discretionary spending.

Instead of it being you setting him a budget (which he may resent) why not sit down and do an overall family budget for everything. Work out how much you will save each month on a regular basis, how much for weekly spends etc. Importantly this needs to distinguish between weekly spending that is for the family (eg food shop, kids activities) and personal money for each of you to spend as you wish on drinks, socialising, non essential spending. My DH and I have the same amount each for this and he spends his on his hobby and at the pub and I spend mine on dinners out with friends and make up.

I think a lot of women who are looking after the home end up thinking about ‘their spending money’ as being the weekly money spent on things with the kids, lunch money, Tesco’s etc. But then the husband spends theirs on coffees, beers out, dinners etc.

Hope this makes sense!

Why not split whatever 'spare' money there is 3 ways. One for savings and one each for you and him. Then you both get leisure money to spend as you like and the savings gets some. All depends on income and how realistic this is of course. And while I understand that working away can be lonely and boring out of hours, he can only do that because you stay with the kids so whoever asked if you work, yes I should think you do work, by doing absolutely everything else.

Yes that makes sense and there should be a fair split of spare money if he's the only one being paid.

@rockbird has a good suggestion for splitting the spare cash, how do you do it at the moment?

Could you join him for a sightseeing weekend?