Realistic budget for partner working away?

[Madmozzie]

My h will be working away for the majority of the coming year, and will be getting slightly increased pay because of it. We have spoken numerous times about saving up for various things, but don't manage to save much on usual pay. I have been unsuccessful in increasing my income, so there's nothing to rely on from that area.

I'd like him to set a budget, as some other colleagues do, but in the past he just spends as he likes. Even though the company provides meals, he will go out for dinner every weekend he can, and often every evening for weeks at a stretch. This is of course followed up by drinks in bars, often til the early hours, as well as sightseeing, some hotel stays and the usual weekend lunches and shopping you do while away from home and bored.
It's the frequent meals out which really annoy me, as there's no way me and the kids could afford to do that, and I don't see how he can justify that treat so often esp as meals are already provided. Many of his colleagues are not married with kids, so it's not the same for them. I can understand getting bored while away, but he surely could meet up for drinks after and not treat himself to eating out so often? Me and the DC font eat out, sightsee etc, and I can't remember the last time I went out for drinks either with or without him!

So what would be a realistic budget? Eating out twice a week (still more than I do!)? A set amount of money per week? No matter what I suggest, I think it will meet with some resistance when it comes down to actually sticking with it, so how do other ppl go about it? It's our best opportunity for saving money, otherwise I'll just be scrimping in other areas while he's out living the high life.

Ask him what he wants to do. Don't try and set him a budget, you're not his parent and he'll resent you for it.

That's part of the problem. Having already spoken together and agreed to set a budget, he hasn't done anything about it himself, nor will, by the looks of things, as he goes away shortly. Possibly because neither of us really know what to set it at. I won't be going out for meals or drinks, but will have a takeaway with the kids at the weekend. So should he restrict himself to going out for meal/drinks once a week? Or do we just take a guess at a random amount of money and he spends it on whatever he likes? Do I have the same 'disposable personal money'? That's why I was after ideas of what works in similar circumstances for other people. Obviously I'm not going to quibble an extra ten pounds here or there, but eating out and heavily boozing two or more nights a week while we are supposed to be saving money seems to be taking the piss a bit. Yes, the provided meals are catered on site, but believe me, they eat very well indeed, with lots of variety!

I totally agree that sightseeing and socialising is important while away, but his evening meal (and this is ignoring the lunch, numerous coffees and booze he will have through the rest of the day) costs way more than what his meal would at home. Obviously, homecooked for a family is cheaper, but when he is home and exclaims about the cost of us going out for lunch as a family of four, and it is not much more than his single meal for himself on one night, I get a bit cross.

(And I've never benefited from joining him for a holiday. No perks.)

Maybe a card would be the way ahead.

So he's taking this job to earn extra money, but he is going to spend that and more so actually there won't be any extra money. And he's away for a year. I wouldn't support him taking this job if I were you.

If that's not an option, I would set up a personal account each in to which you each get a certain amount of spending money. Agree on what the personal spends include. So groceries, bills, car and dc costs come from joint account, take out/restaurant meals, alcohol, hair cuts and clothes come from personal account. I do it this way with my DH, not because of a similar issue but that's just the way we've always done it.

Yes you should have the same amount of disposable personal money as him. He shouldn’t get more. And as I said on my pp your personal disposable money shouldn’t be for spending on you and the kids, it should just be for you, like his is for him. He kids expenses should come from a separate (joint) pot.

*The kids expenses

Sorry, posted before I saw those last comments.

No, we wouldn't be able to join him for a sightseeing weekend. Various reasons, one being that it would be prohibitively expensive.

Thanks for the idea rockbird. We never really have had a lot of money left at the end of the month, what little there is just rolls over into the next. its just all family money. If he wants a few drinks after work, he uses the family money. If I want a coffee with friends , I use the family money. Its all the same, and we've never had any problem or arguments before. Bills are not constant each month and we seem to be going through a period of things breaking, needing new clothes, etc, which is eating into (small) savings, so working out a household budget and stuff is going to be very hit and miss at the mo.

I guess our best bet might be to take the 'extra' money and divide it in three, as you say, and rely on the 'usual' money for everything else. We'll see how it goes, and whether he can stick to it! Thx all.

It is a difficult situation. I get the feeling he maybe in the forces. As already said. Mass produced food although fine can get a bit bland.

Ex spends we're always more excessive than mine because of the social life that goes with being in the forces. He had a large sum of money that was for his personal spends.

Money I wouldn't dream of spending as he did. But his income also covered house hold bills and my wages paid for holidays everything the kids needed and it worked.

He changed jobs and was working in a much more affluent job. And although earning well. He was asking for his funds to be supplemented last few weeks of the month.

I tolerated his excessive spending because the income we had together met all our needs. But he had a quarter of our income for himself. I had the same but saved for holidays bought the children clothes etc and budgeted my money to pay for jollies.

This worked ok for us because we all had a good quality of life. Although ex was using his money on his social life sometimes I resented that.

Your situation is not fair on you or the children. I would suggest he has a budget of x to last week/month. And see how he goes.

Sadly for me ex social life lead him to someone new. So my situation has completely changed. But that's life.

This might be irrelevant but it shouldn’t be impossible to do a monthly family budget and have a specific amount left over at the end of every month. Have a look on MSE website. Your bills don’t have to be the same every month and everyone has unexpected expenses or things that don’t occur every month eg. Washing machine breaks, kids need new shoes. But budget tools like MSE get you to estimate these costs across be year and then work out a rough monthly cost. This is how we do our family budget and it allows you to be actively in control of your finances rather than just ending up with random amounts left each month. It’s the only way I’ve managed to get us to save a specific amount every month which goes into savings at the beginning of the month, rather than just saving whatever is leftover at the end.

What's the point of working away so much if he spends it all?

He seems rather selfish. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who is never there.

I think its very telling that he is happy to agree to the theory of a budget, but does nothing about it.

And then eats and drinks out more than at home. Fine if you are single but not really the actions of a family man. Sorry.

buttered no, I hate his job taking him away all the time. There's no other option at the moment though.

eve a very similar sounding situation, sorry it didn't work out for you in the end. Like you, I didn't have a problem with money in the past for the same reasons. We've already weathered him being inappropriate with another female while away, a long time ago, and I've had enough of him getting everything his way now. I really hope you are happy with your situation now, whatever it is.

superveggie thanks for the info. I will have to sit down and do it!

finally I know. On the one hand, if I present him with a budget I will be seen as controlling, yet if I don't do it, I very much doubt he will. I'm totally fed up.

We have joint accounts.
Account 1 get 60% of pay into it for general household expenses, mortgage, food, bills etc.
Account 2 get 20% for splurge , dinner out, movies, hair cut. Needs partner approval if more than $200 spent.
Account 3 get 20% wages for savings. First $2000 of that gets set aside for mojo ( fixing things, unexpected expenses). After that it becomes a savings account for holidays, new cars, new couch etc.
We have done this for the last 2 years.
No credit cards
We have nearly enough for an overseas holiday. 😀
Goo luck

If you have online banking you can set up a regular savings account where money is saved per month, look at money saving expert website for regular savings. Even if you saved £25 a month it soon adds up and some pay interest too. If you save none, you will have none !

The problem isn't budgeting; the problem is your H.
You are the carer, housekeeper, cleaner, p.a. and childminder while he lives the life of a single man.

Going out for dinner and a few beers every day is the norm while working away.
How long is he away on a work trip?
Does he work every day?
What does his company provide financially for working away (all costs covered, per Diem etc)?
Does he get increased pay for working away (uplift, per Diem, overtime etc)?

That's part of the problem. Having already spoken together and agreed to set a budget, he hasn't done anything about it himself, nor will, by the looks of things, as he goes away shortly.

I think that says it all. You won't be able to force him to stick to this.

You are very resentful that he gets to swan off, spend money as he sees fit and leave you with all the domestic work. You may be more successful with getting him to arrange childcare and a cleaner while he is away so it has less impact on you and you can go back to work?

Otherwise I don't think this job is going to work for your relationship. He clearly doesn't actually want a budget (neither would I, if I'm honest, I didn't enjoy being away from my life and would have felt it was very naive to see it as an extended jolly), and he has no real intention of doing much more than paying you lip service when you mention setting one. You can't set one either, because there's no way to make it feel "fair" for everyone.

Why has he taken the job? If he intends to spend the majority of the extra money surviving being away more and making it more enjoyable, surely it can't have too much of a financial benefit. I would genuinely look towards other ways of reducing costs - relocating, retraining for you - instead. This sounds like it will leave your relationship in a hugely precarious position, not just financially, but because you are starting to resent each other and becoming very jealous of each others lives.

@DrMorbius

Going out for dinner and a few beers every day is the norm while working away

It is if you are staying in a hotel and able to claim expenses. But in the OP's case, her spouse is already provided with food on site. So the extra food and beers are coming out of his salary and therefore the family budget.

When I travel for work (public sector) the allowance for an evening meal is pretty tight - enough to cover a main course only. If you choose carefully you can squeeze in a starter/desert, but you would probably end up contributing a few pounds yourself. Alcohol is not covered at all, which is fair enough.

How much has he been spending per week up until now?

Going out for dinner and a few beers every day is the norm while working away.

Every day? No it isn't. He's previously mentioned colleagues who didn't go out on every occasion because they were sticking to a budget. They ate the food provided. He's often away for 4/5 months at a time without getting home at all. Not all of this will be time that they can go out for meals/drinks/hotels etc, but there has in the past been long continuous periods of time in which they could. I'd take a rough guess at more than half the time he is away, as an average. Which adds up.

I'm not sure on exact amounts spent, as I said, I didn't used to give it that much thought.

You are very resentful that he gets to swan off, spend money as he sees fit and leave you with all the domestic work.

Yes, I have my moments. :) Neither of us have ever wanted the kids in wraparound childcare, which is what would have to happen at the moment if I had a full time job or shift work. They are still young, and I feel they have a lot of instability to deal with because their dad is away a lot (which they have found difficult at times) and therefore want to be there for them at the start and end of school, assemblies, etc. That's not an issue. I've not had a problem with being the one providing stability at home, whether working around a job or not. I don't have an issue with being left with the domestic duties per se. But a lot of money has been spent unnecessarily on food and drink while away when it would be useful at home, and that (as if getting the free weekends and evenings in nice places wasn't enough of a perk) has annoyed me. It seems like such a profligate waste of money which could benefit the family.

We'll see how the budget pans out, though you're right - I can't hold him to it, and have to hope that he's NOT just paying lip service to the idea. I guess time will tell.

MaybeDoctor, personally I would rather have a glass of wine than a pudding and just have a piece of fruit which you could take with you / buy locally. The public sector allowances have definitely reduced in real terms over the years. However, I never view working away from home as a way to boost our income in the way OP seems to expect.

weenurse thanks for that, I think I'll look into doing something similar!

AnchorDownDeepBreath can I ask under what circumstances you were working away? I don't see his work away as an extended jolly, although it should be acknowledged that he gets free evenings and weekends to do what he wants, which I don't as I have the kids. I can sympathise with missing home while away but that works both ways - we miss him and miss out on doing things as a family just as much as he misses doing things with the family. So although it's not a jolly, he does get some nice perks, which I simply do not.

Lady you don't quite understand my point. I don't expect this to be a pure income boost, but I don't see why some of the extra money cannot be used for family use rather than just be spent on food and drink etc for one person. It's supposed to offset the inconvenience of being away, which is not only suffered by the person working away. And in a way it annoys me somewhat that food has already been prepared and goes to waste while extra money is spent on eating out!

If he receives some kind of inconvenience allowance, clearly that should be shared. We have never benefited from that. DH in private sector could claim for meals and drinks, me in public sector could claim towards food ( not enough these days) and excess childcare if appropriate (if evidenced by receipts and you are not earning more when away). Usually use it (as evidenced by receipts) or lose it, you don't get to spend it on something else.

lady obviously I don't want to go into precise detail, but the extra pay is through wages and isn't the same as that used to claim expenses, as it was in your case. Therefore can be spent on anything, really.

Neither of us have ever wanted the kids in wraparound childcare, which is what would have to happen at the moment if I had a full time job or shift work so neither of you wanted it but you're the only one who has to facilitate it and sacrifice your career?

You also mention he's been "inappropriate" with another woman. I'd get back to full time work if I were you. I've been a single parent and yes my son went to full time nursery but that was a damn site better than having to rely on benefits/be stuck in that cycle when my relationship went tits up.

Really he needs a normal job at home so you can work full time too because you sound miserable. He's alright enjoying himself every evening and weekend whilst his wife and children get no benefits to him working away. Yes a couple of nights a week fine, but every night? I don't know anyone who could afford this every night.

He sounds selfish and not the kind of man I would want to spend my life with. If my partner thought spending money on alcohol and excessive food was more important than me and the kids I'd tell him where to go.

Finally, are you sure this is where his money goes? There are a surprising number of people who work away who have other families/partners.

Well just exercise your want muscle. You say you have a joint account, take out the appropriate amount for savings and your extra allowance (for babysitting etc. So you can go out) and he can spend his portion.