Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument with mum over her weird male friend

60 replies

Ishiede · 28/12/2018 10:46

This morning my mum asked me to take my kids to hers as her friends (male and female both very old) were visiting. I refused because the male is very strange with my daughter. Wants to cuddle, sit her on his lap and takes photos of her. It might be entirely innocent but I’m not comfortable with it. She said it was very embarrassing, I have it all wrong and she will remember this. I’m not wrong am I?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/12/2018 10:47

No. You are not.

Tell your mum she can remember what she wants to and that you will remember that she put her friend above her grand daughter.

winecigsandchoc · 28/12/2018 10:50

No you are not wrong. Trust your instincts

Original poster
Ishiede · 28/12/2018 10:51

She even said leave her at home and just bring the boys. Seriously! I’ve refused. I could be wrong but I’d rather not put my child in a position I’m not 100% happy with.

OP posts:
NottonightJosepheen · 28/12/2018 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HannahnotAgnes · 28/12/2018 10:58

Agree with the others, trust your instincts.

Original poster
Ishiede · 28/12/2018 11:00

Thanks everyone. I can’t believe she said “I’ll remember this”

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 28/12/2018 11:03

The request is weird in the first place and more weird by insistence.

Well, maybe the request isn't that weird if it was "Hey Ishi, Mavis and Jim are here for the day and they'd love to see the little ones if you are free to pop round for a cup of tea."

Still, I'd be saying no no no. Trust your instinct.

CottonTailRabbit · 28/12/2018 11:05

I'd choose to remember I’ll remember this as she will remember that you find the man creepy and will thus avoid having you and the children near him.

ohfourfoxache · 28/12/2018 11:08

Yeah, fuck that. There is no way I’d be going over with or without the kids.

Just be careful if she does any babysitting as she might engineer situations in the future for them to see the kids without you there

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 11:09

God that's creepy, on both counts!

My mind is going into dark areas here. You do appreciate that taking multiple pictures of a child thats not yours on your lap is really REALLY not fucking normal.

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 11:11

Agree with fox. Totally.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/12/2018 11:11

"I'll remember this" Confused

You're children aren't a plaything for your mothers friends!

Trust your gut.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 28/12/2018 11:12

My friend’s stepdad tripped my spidey senses when we were there and he turned up. He kept trying to get DD to kiss and cuddle him (I stepped in, obviously and said no, we don’t force kisses and cuddles, ever). His insistence was very uncomfortable, to the point where I told him to back off and leave her alone. Everyone thought I was overreacting and being a bit precious.

He’s in jail now, a convicted fucking paedophile. Which my friend’s mum already knew!!!

Go with your gut, even if he isn’t what my friend’s SD is, he’s bothered you enough to warrant deciding you don’t want your child around him. That’s enough, nobody else’s opinion matters.

mindutopia · 28/12/2018 11:13

Nope, trust your gut. My MIL has a weird partner that gaslights her and no one really likes. Turns out he has a history of sexually abusing a relative and went to prison for it (but he’s ‘done his time and it’s all very embarrassing now’ so everyone is expected to get over it). Nope, no way, he’s dead to us and we have very little to do with her now either. Our kids are worth more than not rocking the boat. Listen to your gut.

Nicknamesalltaken · 28/12/2018 11:15

She probably just wants to show you all off, so is disappointed, hence the ‘i’ll remember’ comment.

Doesn’t take away from the fact that you are uncomfortable and it’s your call.

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 11:18

Everyone thought I was overreacting and being a bit precious

God Christmas thats awful. Im guessing friends mum must gave been present? Witnessing her pedo DH attempt to molest a child in plain sight?

Pair of fucking narc bastards. Well done you though!

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 28/12/2018 11:20

Aye she was there, didn’t say a word and let the rest of them have a pop about me being precious!

I’m so glad he didn’t manage to get his hands on her, at all and that I stuck to my guns. Twice in my life someone has made the hair stand up on the back of my neck like him, and twice I was right. Not a hope in hell he was getting near my child.

I give not one fuck if people think I’m precious, it’s my job to keep them safe.

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 11:20

I know someone who pointed out why does society tolerate such behaviour...the three wise monkies etc... Are the majority of people so spineless?

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/12/2018 11:21

No no no I wouldn't take my kids either.

I hate all this generational crap or just being friendly nonsense. All the "you can't say or do anything these days" bull shit meant to make you feel bad for the very instincts that are telling you NO very clearly.

And plenty of dodgy people have eveeyone defending them. Look at JS.

Agree she will also likely engineer situations where she baby sits and they come over.

Just no.

Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 11:24

Agree she will also likely engineer situations where she baby sits and they come over.

Are we sure this hasn't already happened...

Wordthe · 28/12/2018 11:26

'I'll remember this' sounds like a veiled threat that you will be left out of the will or something
Or perhaps it's just a general threat of 'consequences'

Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 11:28

That's a strange dm you've got there, Ishiede. Well done for standing up for your DC. It can be difficult when other people are disagreeing with you, especially if it's your dm!

Wordthe · 28/12/2018 11:28

I think often we just need to play the Jimmy savile card as an answer to these sorts of people
(Although I do wonder if he will soon become the subject of a goodwins law type clause)

Wordthe · 28/12/2018 11:29

Godwin!

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/12/2018 11:33

OK, it's strange that your mum is so keen on you bringing your kids to see her friends. And then when you refuse, she gets angry and accuses you of being unreasonable and "embarassing" her.

My take? She feels the same spidey sense that you do BUT she simply cannot countenance the idea that a friend of hers is a danger to kids. So she is extra insistent that he is fine, she doesn't get a bad feeling about him - in fact, she will prove that everything is 100% fine by insisting that her granddaughter spends time with this guy, climbing on his lap and having her picture taken by him. See - it's all fine and those icky feelings of concern and discomfort that she (your mum) feels around him can just go away because she's proving how totally fine everything is.

It's weird and sad that people are so conditioned to ignore abuse that they will actually risk the safety of children rather than admit the possibility of it happening but there we go.