Argument with mum over her weird male friend

[Ishiede]

This morning my mum asked me to take my kids to hers as her friends (male and female both very old) were visiting. I refused because the male is very strange with my daughter. Wants to cuddle, sit her on his lap and takes photos of her. It might be entirely innocent but I’m not comfortable with it. She said it was very embarrassing, I have it all wrong and she will remember this. I’m not wrong am I?

Trust your gut.

They are not a toy for your mother's friends.

Trust your gut, ALWAYS trust your gut.

I'm a young Mum and I was molested by my Mum's friend (He was a bit older than her and I suspect he was trying to get her to have an affair) I still carry shame about it and I'm a Mum with an almost two-year-old son and a loving boyfriend

Brilliant insight @porcupine!

However I still don't know @Porcupine, I still don't know ..... if I feel that disquiet about someone my instinct is to protect the vulnerable not put the vulnerable in the jaws of the lion just to prove that he will never bite

My feeling is that people somehow back themselves into a corner, I think abusers are just expert at making everyone compromised in subtle ways that they can't quite delineate

my guess is that this man has somehow done something subtle to make your mum compromised and that's why she is protecting him

You have absolutely done the right thing.

When I read the thread title I was all ready to post "Your mums friend are her choice, stop pushing in, mmmkay?"

Does your mum provide any childcare?

I'm sorry that happened to you porcupine but I'm going to disagree.

It's the DM. She is also a mum! She should understand perfectly clearly her daughter's concern. Indeed, if I was in the GM position, the mere fact my daughter had concerns would be raising more red flags than a communist rally.

So why is GM behaving the way she is? Because that's not an empathic reaction.

Do you know what? Even if he really IS fine (unlikely), it doesn't matter. You haven't shouted out he is a paedophile and put him in danger, you have just taken reasonable steps to protect your DC! That is what you are meant to do as a Mum, first and foremost. Far better to be over protective than under protective!

Trust your gut feeling.

Totally doing the right thing. If you're feeling pressured that's a sign. Trust those instincts. 'Being polite' is not reason enough to risk your children's well being. Mum's threat sounds a bit off too? What's she thinking?

That’s what I think. I’ve told her before how I feel and she again asked. It’s all about her feeling embarassed at the sake of me and my little girl not happy with the situation. Who thought Rolf Harris was a peado?

OP...not derailing but plenty of people knew that persona/facade and man didn't match.

You're doing absolutly the right thing.

I absolutely agree with you. I'm 69, and if my daughter said she was uncomfortable with any of my friends around her children, I would make sure they NEVER came into contact. You should always trust your instincts. In your case, this man has been weird around your daughter. My husband loves my grandchildren, but would never act like this towards them. Tell your mother she should trust you, not some random weird friend.

Chances are, it’s completely innocent behaviour but the fact you’re not comfortable and have said no should be enough.

Not losing face in front of her friends is more important down the well being of her daughter and her granddaughter

A friend trusted her spidey senses when a workmate of her husband would pop round. She said it just felt 'off' and she never wanted to leave them in the same room together, even to make a cuppa. He's currently in prison for assaulting young boys and it works out he had already been inside for sexual offences when they met him. Trust your gut I say.

If he is dodgy then he will have manipulated the situation to make your mum feel extremely awkward if you don't show. Who knows what has said to her, though it is clear she's feeling under pressure but can't articulate why she's so wound up about a non-event.

"Want to pop round to see Bill and Alice?" "No, Bill gives me creeps the way he is around little Ishi" Normal response would be "Really? Oh well, I'll make your excuses then."

Not her response which could be summarised as "Shit, I can see this being really really awkward with Bill, I know he won't accept any excuses and I'll feel bad. I need to get Ishi to change her mind."

Abusers groom entire families
this is very true
I'm currently Reading
Predators paedophiles rapists and other sex offenders by Anna salter
Very insightful

Let her remember it...

You are not in the wrong

And I agree with @cottontail, 'Bill' probably has something on your mum and that's why she feels the need to lean on you

We have this with a relative by marriage on DH's side, and DH trusts his gut instinct more than I do so pointed it out to me. He wants to cuddle our toddler even though she doesn't, so we refuse on her behalf.

You aren't wrong. My parents had a friend like this. It was oh so hilarious that he used to tickle me, and make jokes about biting my bum and other generally Pervy comments. And so funny that I used to hate it and didn't want to be around him. And he was so nice to call in and see my gran and grandad in the day time when they used to look after me when my Mum worked. Nothing ever happened other than the above but that was enough for me as a child to be very upset by it.I'd buried it I think until I heard the man had died and I felt nothing but Relief. And very Angry with my parents for putting me in that situation and laughing it off.

Porcupine has it-I think my parents also felt he was a bit off but didn't want to confront their feelings about it. And now he's dead of course so it can never be mentioned.