Husband Drinks

[Peppette]

I want to say upfront that my husband is not an alcoholic nor abusive while drinking but I feel like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. For example, he had a "hard day" with the kids when they were just being normal and he felt he "needed" whisky tonight to relax. Every time something negative happens, he reaches for drink like it's some kind of medicine and he doesn't always get drunk but I feel it's a really unhealthy attitude.

Other times he has got drunk (and then blamed me for it because I don't let him go out - not true), and he's being throwing up in front of our kids in the morning or out until 7am and even said he didn't see the big deal with this. And the other day he said that sometimes you just want to go out and drink so much you throw up the rest of the night and that was normal?!? I also hate the person he is when he drinks, he slurs and just gets all wonky and his only priority is him and doing what he wants.

He doesn't do it often (and I've now banned him from staying in the house if he's going out to the point that he's drunk). Though it's more often lately since he's going through some other stressful stuff lately (and it's his medicine) and it's the festive period.

Basically, is it unreasonable for me to be very bothered by this? And if it is how do I chill out about it? And if it isn't what should I do?

Thanks x

P.S. my kids are 5 and 2 and I used to drink some but don't since having kids really because I just don't want to.

What is the joy of drinking so much he spends time throwing up - strange man.

If he drinks daily, he could be classed as a functional alcoholic. We can all find things to be stressed about in everyday life.

Well done you on not following in his footsteps 💐

You say you 'hate' the way he is when is drunk, and he is drunk fairly regularly, so I don't think you should pretend to chill about behaviour you hate. . Is his drinking something you are prepared to live with now and in future? Because you can't control or stop him from drinking. Please con't listen to him when he tries to blame his drinking on stress or on you or on the kids' behaviour. It is his choice to drink, and his alone. Don't engage in arguments with him about his drinking as he will deflect and blame. Just consider, is this the life you want for yourself and your children.

I would say he’s a functioning alcoholic, I am separating from my husband of 32 years because of his alcoholism. He too is functioning, I see in your husband exactly how mine started, saying the same, the blaming, self medicating. I think you should be very bothered. Please, sort it now for you and your children. 🌹

That's what I'm worried about: that it's possibly the start of something. I appreciate that he has had a really difficult year but I don't understand why that equals drinking more. In my view, you should drink to appreciate the taste or if you're out with friends, definitely not because you're feeling sad or angry. When he does go out with friends he goes really over the top though and acts like he has no responsibility waiting for him at home; for example, I felt so bad for my kids when they woke up (at 5am - like normal) expecting daddy to be there in the morning like he promised and he didn't come home until 7am.

I feel like I've accidentally mislead you in some way, it's not that often and it's definitely not every day but I feel like it's crept up since he found out his mum has cancer and I know that if I didn't make such a massive fuss about it he would do it a lot more. It's just yesterday we were settling down after putting the kids to sleep and he put whisky in his tea and he was kind of evasive and said it's because he had a sore throat but then eventually said it's because he wanted to relax after entertaining them this afternoon because they were "hard to deal with".

I feel like this attitude is a really unhealthy one, and am worried it is going to get worse. And I also don't want my kids growing up thinking this is how you deal with your problems. His dad passed away before I met him but from what I can glean from the odd comment or story he, too, "liked a drink" and sometimes did some pretty stupid stuff when drunk that my husband witnessed as a child - but I would not put up with - so I feel like my husband's line that you shouldn't cross is possibly in a different place from mine.

Good morning Peppette, sounds like he’s using like a crutch, putting it in his tea! We all know that’s not normal don’t we? It’s typical of a drinker, excuses excuses, it’s causing a problem, that’s the first thing you must ask yourself, if it’s causing a problem then it is. It needs to be addressed, and now. He’s let the children Down, and on Christmas Day! Again typical selfish behaviour. Always putting themselves first, you are right it is unhealthy. I would try to find out a bit more about his fathers behaviour. I feel a lot of guilt knowing what my children went through growing up, luckily they have grown into fabulous adults. My husband knows he’s ruined everything and wants to stay together but no chance. I stayed too long. 🌷

It wasn't Christmas Day that he came in at 7am, they just get up really early every day. Christmas day was actually fairly pleasant, even though he did drink. But my 5yo has separation anxiety with both of us and for him to not be there when he said he was going to be was hard for him.

Using it like a crutch is exactly what he's doing (and he always has done this), it's just much more noticeable because recently it feels like it's been more frequent. It makes me really uncomfortable but if I tell him that then he'll say that essentially it's my issue. Or turn it round on me saying how can I come down on him about it with his mum being ill and everything and then it'll turn into a massive argument thing. That makes him sound meaner than he is but I can't think of another way to put it.

OP, I wonder what your definition of an alcoholic is. Lots of people experience loss and all kinds of hardships and they do not necessarily turn to alcohol or drugs.
I have never seen my dad tipsy, let alone drunk and throwing up and behaving obnoxiously.

I think that you first need to face the fact that your husband is an alcoholic and then take it from there. Speak to your GP. The fact that his drinking has such impact on your relationship and your family life says it all. My STBXH is an alcoholic even though I've never seen him throw up in the 10 years I've known him. His treshhold is really high and he can drink loads. There's been times when he couldn't get up for work in the morning and the incident when he urinated in our wardrobe. He takes a lot of pride in beeing able to drink so much and still do not get too drunk. Drinking comes first and everything revolves around it. Yet, he manages to keep a well paid job (he is a high earner). Maybe the exact term is functioning alcoholic, but alcoholic nonetheless.

What on earth was he doing till 7 am?
Perhaps a bit more than drinking?
He needs to calm down and act like a decent father should.
Oh and after a lifetime spent around heavyish drinkers, I think that he is an alcoholic.
Time to have a chat (when he's sober) No one needs a drunk in the family.
Best wishes Mx

I have to agree with Neverbetrickedagain, rings so many bells. My husband too is a high earner, I cannot wait to be first in somebody’s life instead of alcohol. To be respected. It’s his first love not me. I’ve had enough and I’m looking forward to a new life. I have never loved anyone in my life like I loved him, it’s very sad but I’m so glad I know what I’m doing is the right thing. I’m sorry but it will only get worse.

I hear you Redland12! I've been let down so many times - when pregnant, just after giving birth, throughout our marriage. Drinking came first without fail. Every single time.

The thing with functioning alcoholics is that eventually they stop functioning and end up just alcoholics. And your DH is an alcoholic. He will always find a reason to drink: bad day at work, kids too loud, I need it to sleep - I've heard all of those and then some. He will never find a sufficient reason not to drink until he's lost it all, and perhaps not even then - mine never stopped.

You need to get support for yourself so that you can come to the realisation that what your DH is doing is not OK - and then you can make some decisions about your future. I would strongly suggest finding out about Al-Anon meetings in your area, and attending.

Your DH's drink issues are his problem, not yours. You cannot fix him, only he can. You did not cause him to drink, and nor do his children - every time he picks up that first drink, it's a choice he makes. You need to now put yourself and your DC first.

Another spot on post from pointythings. When he attended AA he was horrified at people loosing their wives, homes, children! Businesses. He would say that will never happen to me!! And really mean it. Well it has. 32 years worth of my life ( together 42) alcohol comes first every time, he manipulates every part of his day to coincide with going to drink. I will not allow him to drink at home, absolutely not! I don’t care anymore which I never thought I would say that as he was the love of my life. I am looking after me now, I come first, I have an amazing amount of friends and I am never at home, he has no one. I cannot wait for the house to sale. So tragic.

Genuine question: is he really an alcoholic if he does/can stop after one or two at home? And it's not every night? If he can go out for a meal with a friend and (if the other person's not drinking) not drink? If him going out and getting stupid drunk is infrequent?

Like I said, it's all slowly getting more and it's more the reasons that he reaches for a drink rather than the quantity that concerns me. So is it more like where he's headed or would you still class him as a mild/functioning alcoholic?

Oh and I'm 99% certain that he wasn't fooling around when he was out until 7am, it was a whole missed the last train kind of mess

An alcoholic doesn't necessarily drink every day or get drunk every day. In the early stages alcoholics are aware of the need to maintain a facade of normal social functioning. My H absolutely could stop after a beer, or not drink. Until the time came that he couldn't.

The huge red flag is that your DH is using alcohol to deal with problems that he should be dealing with using other ways that do not involve self-medication. That is what makes him an alcoholic. And if he doesn't stop and get treatment, it will end in the same place where my H ended up - a box.

How many units does your dh drink a week. My ex drank about 80 - a bottle of wine a night and more at weekends - year after year. Yet he swore he wasn’t an alcoholic, held down a job etc
I left because it impacted us when he was very drunk, and because I didn’t want ds growing up thinking that was ok. And because I could never be sure he was sober when driving, when ds was in the car. In the end, it all got too much.

But you have to decide what is right for you. Is your dh willing to cut down or stop for six months? Does he drive?

I would suggest contacting Al-Anon.
Have a chat with them and see what they say about the situation.
They can help you as they support families of alcoholics.
It doesn't sound good though.
I've had the worst couple of years but I don't do this.
Wanting to drink until you vomit is NOT normal behaviour at all.
The lessons your DC are learning here are not good.
Whisky in tea!!???? That is the start of something for sure.
Al-Anon can either reassure you or help you deal with it all.

@Seniorschoolmum
Some weeks, he probably has none, but then he binges and as I will no longer let him back in the house if he's been drinking like that then I couldn't even guess. As to how often he does this, it varies too but he does complain about me not letting him go out and essentially guilts me into letting him. But even if I say no he will still go saying that "he always let's these friends down" or something.

But like I said it's not necessarily the quantity that's worrying me, it's the reason and where he is potentially heading. He does drive but I don't think he would drink and drive, he's always been pretty adamant that even one drink is too much if youre going to get behind a wheel.

@hellsbellsmelons
The tea thing was weird, he said that it was a lazy hot totty because he had a sore throat but then he said he had it because the kids wound him up so it's definitely weird and worrying. A few people have mentioned them, I will look into them and see what they think.

The thing is that alcohol does nothing for a sore throat. It's the heat of the drink that acts as a temporary anaesthetic, so hot tea by itself would work just as well. As would a simple mix of lemon juice, honey and hot water. So that really sounds like an excuse to me.

Re the driving - if he drives after a binge, the odds are that he will be driving well over the limit. People don't realise how long alcohol takes to clear your system.

Hello OP. I would be very worried by what you describe. When I first heard the term "functioning alcoholic" it fitted my late husband to a t. He was arrested for drunk driving and the custody sergeant told him they had never had anyone before with such a high alcohol level. He was quite amused by this. I was not. He died of oesophageal cancer some years back. I can truly say that my life is much easier without him in it.

Mine is binging right now. My heart goes out to everyone who comes second to alcohol. My OH hasn’t washed for weeks. Not eaten. Ignored Xmas. Yet I’m still here. I don’t know what to do. Is it better to be here than on my own? Do I help him or get out? Will he come to and love me again? It’s my money that keeps it going.

Squidysmum. I thought like you, is it better to be on my own? . Well now I Have reached breaking point and I cannot wait to be on my own, believe you me you will get there ( I hope). I deserve so much more, someone to hold my hand, kss my cheek, cuddle me. Not in a million years will he come to love you again. Surely you don’t believe that! Don’t play second fiddle to alcohol. You are better than that.

You can't help him Squidys. Your DH is in serious trouble, and he is the only one who can change that. Once/if you've leave him you'll immediately realise that living on your own is far easier than living with an alcoholic, particularly one at the stage yours has reached. It's hard to see clearly when you're being lied to constantly and when you're being told you're at least partly to blame. He might find recovery and you might be able to rebuild your relationship. What you shouldn't do is waste your own life waiting for that to happen, because there's a good chance it won't and if it does it will because he does something about it. There's nothing you can do to help him. Phone Alanon and get support for you.

Squidys and Redland. My thoughts are with you both and anyone else who is affected by this horrible problem. The consequences of heavy drinking (lunchtime, early evening after work and then the local after dinner) caught up with my husband. I am a different person now i am free. He was a real Jekyll and Hyde character, fun and charming to those on the outside but a tyrant in the house. Drink seemed to empower his spite. I wish i had left him before he took such a toll on me. All good luck to you both. If anyone wants to private message me i am happy to chat. I don't want to take over this thread and cause further upset to any readers.

He clearly has a problem with alcohol, one of the indicators of alcoholism is the fact that a person's drinking adversely affects family life.
Whilst I suspect lots of people like a drink to relax in the evening after a full on day with children, its not normal to drink until you are sick, or to stay out drinking all night. , and throwing up in the morning in front of the children is just grim.
You've told him that you are worried about his drinking, and that you are unhappy about the effects of his drinking on your family, but he's not listening, and is refusing to accept there is a problem. So he won't do anything to change the situation. So he's prioritizing drinking over his relationship with you and the children.
You can't make him stop but you can decide whether you are prepared to put up with this anymore.
If you've asked him to at least cut back, and he won't, what do you think it would take for him to change? A serious accident?

Sadly this is how it was in my house a few years back. Now DH is living somewhere else in the country, is one rent payment away from homelessness, and his drinking is making him extremely ill. He has thrown everything away. You have to let people choose their own path in life. Many, many bad things have happened as a result of his drinking but still he perseveres with it. In fact he seems devoted to the stuff. It will kill him.