Husband Drinks

[Peppette]

I want to say upfront that my husband is not an alcoholic nor abusive while drinking but I feel like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. For example, he had a "hard day" with the kids when they were just being normal and he felt he "needed" whisky tonight to relax. Every time something negative happens, he reaches for drink like it's some kind of medicine and he doesn't always get drunk but I feel it's a really unhealthy attitude.

Other times he has got drunk (and then blamed me for it because I don't let him go out - not true), and he's being throwing up in front of our kids in the morning or out until 7am and even said he didn't see the big deal with this. And the other day he said that sometimes you just want to go out and drink so much you throw up the rest of the night and that was normal?!? I also hate the person he is when he drinks, he slurs and just gets all wonky and his only priority is him and doing what he wants.

He doesn't do it often (and I've now banned him from staying in the house if he's going out to the point that he's drunk). Though it's more often lately since he's going through some other stressful stuff lately (and it's his medicine) and it's the festive period.

Basically, is it unreasonable for me to be very bothered by this? And if it is how do I chill out about it? And if it isn't what should I do?

Thanks x

P.S. my kids are 5 and 2 and I used to drink some but don't since having kids really because I just don't want to.

Thank you Perch I appreciate your kind words. I am in a good place mentally, I have a huge support network, family and friends. One day I just thought........ that’s it! I’m done, and I’ve not looked back. We still live in the same house, until it’s sold. Obviously separate bedrooms and it’s going ok. I just keep out of his way. He really thinks I’m joking and will not leave, he’s in for a massive shock. What a horrendous disease, a family disease, a selfish disease.

Whisky in tea is quite normal in Ireland.

Redland good luck, you are doing the right thing.

Thank-you everyone for your support and I wish all of you who are struggling strength too. I spoke to him last night and it didn't actually blow up which was surprising (it came close a couple of times but I stayed super calm and I think he felt stupid getting angry with someone so calm).

He has agreed to give it up completely in the new year for 9 months although is adamant that nothing is wrong with his drinking and "really, really really doesn't want to do it". If he can't do it then I will ban all drinking from the house and him from the house if he's been drinking, try and get him some help and go from there. If he can do it I guess we'll come up with some rules we are both comfortable with but, again, he'll have to stick to the rules or things between us will change.

I'm adamant I will not have him drinking like that where the kids can understand what's happening, I asked my husband about his dad last night and it sounds like he was an alcoholic so clearly did him the world of good growing up witnessing that. If I have to divorce him to protect my children then so be it but I'll see how he does giving it up first. I feel I should give him that one chance.

I very much doubt he'll stay off alcohol for 9 months but I hope for your sake he does.

The thing is, you have to prevent yourself from going crazy. Just remember that. Do not engage. Do not check on him. Do not lie awake at night full of worry.

Make a plan B. I know your DC are little now and you haven't mentioned if you work yourself or what the family finances are like. Just have a think about what you can do to protect yourself in the event of a spilt and how you would support yourself and your DC financially.

Al-Anon is great but might not make much sense to you yet. It essentially teaches you to ignore the alcoholic's behaviour and focus on your own life. For example, you can't make him stop vomiting in front of your DC, but you can take them out for the day, or split up so that your DC don't live with someone who vomits in front of them.

It's all about what you can do rather than what the alcoholic does. Because you can't control them, and if you try, you'll go crazy with stress and anxiety and hurt and anger.

Establish boundaries that are acceptable to you. Family occasions? Don't go if he's planning to drink, or take separate transport. Do what suits you. Don't cover up for him with friends and family. Ask people to help you. DH was very drunk last night and I'm going to miss my hairdresser appointment, can you look after DC for an hour or two? I don't think he's capable of looking after them safely.

Learn to live your life as best you can with an alcoholic in it, so it affects you and your DC as little as possible.

I understand your desire to give him one more chance. I did the same with my H, only in his case it was do rehab or do divorce. The thing with one more chance is that you have to mean it, so you do have to prepare mentally for what is likely to happen - that he will not be able to stay sober for any length of time, that he will drink and lie about it, that you will have to make the choice between protecting yourself and your DC or preserving what is left of your marriage. That's a hard choice to make, but it's coming.

What ballyhoo says about learning to live with an alcoholic is true - but you can also choose to live your life without an alcoholic. I did. I have zero regrets.

I don’t see the point in that if he is so adamant he doesn’t want to do it.

If he wanted to give up alcohol and he meant it he would do it today

His promises are empty because he is saying them to make you stfu instead of making a vow to himself

Expect 2019 to be more of the same

HOPECLEARWATER, thank you, I have no doubt I’m doing the right thing, it took me long enough to get here. All the advice given here to Peppette is SO right and I’ve lived it, my goodness how alcoholics are text book. 9 months, I’m sorry but I’ve heard it a million times, I did say in earlier post to ask about his dad, and with a heavy heart I thought so, he too was an alcoholic. As Pointythings said, brace yourself, it’s coming, I guarantee it, hope we can help you stay strong when it happens. My daughter is 30 and still in counselling from it, the guilt I feel is absolutely horrendous. 🌹

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are completely away from him. Until then it will not and you are still continuing with the usual behaviours here, that of enabler, provoker and codependent. In the meantime as well your children will continue to absorb all of what goes on around them, it is never really stable in the house

Alcoholism as well can also be learnt and it is of no real surprise to me at all that his own father was an alcoholic too.

I would make firm plans to leave and ASAP. You really do need to heed the advice already given to you particularly from ballyhoo.

Do contact al-anon as well.

I'm five months separated from my alcoholic, and I'm sort of on the mend.

You can try to live with an active alcoholic, I spent five years trying to support and help move, rehabs, bending over backwards, minimising and enabling. By doing that you lose sight of the really important things, your children wellbeing and your own wellbeing.

As long as you are propping up your alcoholic, your alcoholic won't reach rock bottom and you're caught in a horrible cycle. Some do reach rock bottom in a family environment and commit to recovery, quite a lot don't, mine couldn't.

I found a lot of help from Al-Anon and from a family and carers group attached to a recovery centre.

The learning to detach is difficult, I'm not wholly there yet, its also difficult to separate caring for your alcoholic and enabling and minimising, but it can be done.

The advice from people here is excellent and it wasn't untill I started living the "advice" did things get better for me and the DC's.

Hello Peppette, how are you? 🌹

Hi all,

I understand what you're saying about why would I give him another chance but I've never really made it clear that this is it before and I need to actually see if he can (or can't) do it. I think it's important for him to see as well.

In all fairness to him, other than the one beer he had on the night he agreed to give up in the new year, he's not touched anything or even brought it up but obviously it's early days. I think the real trial will be when he goes back to work and gets stressed or something bad happens with his mum's health.

We have a plan B my mum lives close and we each have savings.

I would enact your plan b now because your h and you between you are setting himself up to fail. Then you will be blamed again.

I would also read up on codependency and see how much of this fits in with your own relationship with your alcoholic husband.I mention codependency because many of these where alcohol strongly features has a codependent partner, in your case you. You by being there at all continue to prop him up and otherwise enable him to keep drinking. It also keeps you in the usual roles such spouses play.

You also need to remember that your husband,s primary relationship is with drink, it’s certainly not with you or your child. His thoughts too also center around where the next drink is going to come from.

He will also find any reason to keep drinking. The new year, a stressful time at work, a stressful time at home, there may be sometimes no reason at all. He will continue to drink and your children will continue to see both him and your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him. You all still revolve around the alcoholic. Do not ever underestimate the emotional harm to your children here because that is happening to them right in front of your very eyes.

AttilaTheMeerkat, is pretty much to the point. I was very codependent with my alcoholic and it's very difficult to break that cycle while you are still there.

it's not until they really over step that final boundary do you see the situation for what it is and why it has to end.

one thing you will always find is that you have to keep on adjusting your own boundaries as your alcoholic steps over them. every time that happens you minimise the behaviour and then without knowing it you re-enable.

It's the telling phrases like, I'll stop next year I'll stop next week, I'll stop tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes.

I second everything Attila and disney have said. The accepted wisdom in AA circles is that alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they will change. In many ways that also applies to the loved ones of alcoholics. I didn't lose my codependency until I had hit my rock bottom. It was like a light switching on. I suddenly realised that I had nothing left to give and more, that I didn't want to give any more. I realised my DDs came first, then me, and somewhere in the very far distance, him. Once I hit that point I found detaching surprisingly straightforward, but the pain in getting there was awful.

Make sure your plan B is rock solid because chances are you will need it, and soon.

I'm an architect in Financial Services IT working o bleeding edge projects, and am the Resident Parent to 2 dds under 13, one of whom has a disability. That's quite stressful, I've had one bottle of brown ale in December.

If you recognise any one of these phrases;

Work is stressful , I need a drink
Work is boring, I need a drink
The DC's are being difficult I need a drink
Dad's had a go at me, I need a drink
Mum is I'll, I need a drink
The car needs servicing, I need a drink
The match is on, I need drink
My team win, I need a drink
My team lost, I need a drink
I lost a tenner I need a drink
I found a tenner, I need a drink
He looked at me funny, I need a drink
A big boy did it and ran away, I need a drink

Then you are already off the cliff in free fall, what comes next is rock bottom

Op, I wish you luck. I am aware of one couple - family members- where it became clear the man had a serious problem with alcohol. The wife made it clear that it needed to stop immediately or she was leaving with the dcs and not coming back. The man has been t total fo 19 years this new year. So it can be done. Fingers crossed.

This time last year my DH said, right, New Year’s Day that’s it!!! I’m giving up for good, I can’t do this any more, all the stuff you want to hear. I knew it would not last, I knew my marriage was over, but you hold on to that chink of light. He managed to the middle of February and BANG, so once again our family unit back to total mehem, heartbreak, frustration and anger, something snapped, yes a lightbulb moment if you like. I’m done, house is on the market, I never thought I would feel like this, I honestly feel liberated. I want another life. I’ve just heard the sound of another bottle top popping off, oh yeah, I’m doing the right thing.

Alcoholics can find recovery and it's wonderful if they do but that recovery has to come from their own inner strength and determination. Ultimatums and threats will not achieve recovery in an alcoholic who is in the grip of an addiction they're not strong enough to fight. It is not your role to save the alcoholic. You didn't cause it and can't control or cure it. You've all had such good advice on here and I wish you luck. Don't allow anyone (particularly blood relatives of the alcholic) to try and make you feel guilty if you decide to leave. Your children's well being and your own needs to come first.

Ljdorothy you are absolutely right.

My Dsis' partner is an alcoholic. His last relapse was 8 years ago. There's no guarantee that he won't relapse again, but when he does, he uses his innate desire to be sober to come back. He doesn't do what my H did when he relapsed, which was to lie, to hide, to pretend he hadn't been drinking, to spout excuses. That's the difference - my Dsis' partner knows and accepts he has a problem with alcohol and that he cannot drink. And although he is a fallible human being, he acts on that acceptance every time.

Maybe your DH will be one of those people who can find sobriety, OP, but he cannot do it until he accepts he is an alcoholic.

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterised by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people".

Extract from the Big Book (our kind of bible). Hi OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been in AA nearly 11 years (including a couple of relapses). Yes, I'd class your DH as an alcoholic - not everyone drinks all day or every day, many can keep a measure of control over their drinking some of the time. It's the how and why, the drink being the natural "go to" in times of stress, worry, happiness, sadness etc.

As PPs have said, nobody can "make" an alcoholic stop drinking. Ultimatums generally send the drinking underground and lead to lies, hidden bottles and blaming the person issuing the ultimatum. Until step one - admitting we are powerless over alcohol - is accepted, recovery is near impossible.

I've seen many people come into the rooms, decide after a few meetings and a few weeks or months of sobriety that they are "cured", stop coming to meetings and go back to drinking. It's a progressive illness so they either come back a year or two later, further down the line, or they are unable to stop.

I've also seen many people completely turn their lives around.

Lobsterquadrille2
is spot in right through my stbxw me bership if AA I have met s number of recovered alcoholics, unfortunately my stbxw isn't one of them.

Ine of the things I found with recovered alcoholics is their outright honesty and painful truth the share about their addiction. They are no longer in denial and accept what they haven't.

It's down to the alcoholic to make the choice to be sober and please do not make ultimatums. I did and I lost every time.

Ultimatums are a problem in that they only work if you follow them through the first time. The vast majority of relatives don't do that. I did. I didn't start divorce proceedings because my H relapsed - relapse is part of recovery. If he had come straight to me that first time and said 'Shit, I've relapsed, I've found a meeting for tomorrow, I'm getting back in touch with my rehab for follow-up' I would have accepted that because it would have been part of the process.

He didn't do that - he denied drinking, hid the bottle, in fact did all the things that told me he had never been serious about not drinking. So you can use an ultimatum, but it is the nuclear option and you have to mean it. I was downloading divorce paperwork the very next day and never looked back.