Husband Drinks

[Peppette]

I want to say upfront that my husband is not an alcoholic nor abusive while drinking but I feel like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. For example, he had a "hard day" with the kids when they were just being normal and he felt he "needed" whisky tonight to relax. Every time something negative happens, he reaches for drink like it's some kind of medicine and he doesn't always get drunk but I feel it's a really unhealthy attitude.

Other times he has got drunk (and then blamed me for it because I don't let him go out - not true), and he's being throwing up in front of our kids in the morning or out until 7am and even said he didn't see the big deal with this. And the other day he said that sometimes you just want to go out and drink so much you throw up the rest of the night and that was normal?!? I also hate the person he is when he drinks, he slurs and just gets all wonky and his only priority is him and doing what he wants.

He doesn't do it often (and I've now banned him from staying in the house if he's going out to the point that he's drunk). Though it's more often lately since he's going through some other stressful stuff lately (and it's his medicine) and it's the festive period.

Basically, is it unreasonable for me to be very bothered by this? And if it is how do I chill out about it? And if it isn't what should I do?

Thanks x

P.S. my kids are 5 and 2 and I used to drink some but don't since having kids really because I just don't want to.

I'm glad to see he's willing to give up drinking. Hope he actually does. It might be worth considering how healthy the relationship is generally though. You mention a lot about when you let him go out, and what you will and won't allow him to do. It doesn't sound like a relationship of two equals. If he does have a drink problem he is the only one who can do anything about it, however hard you try to control the situation.

It’s a trust issue too, if Jesus Christ himself came into my living room right now and told me he would never drink again I still would not stay, I would never trust him again. I am not willing to put myself through this again. Yesterday was the first time in 32 years I found hidden bottles, I was absolutely gob smacked! But why? I have checked out of this relationship and I’m so grateful for that. I now realise you only have one life, and I cannot live it like this anymore. I could say, I wish I had done it years ago but I didn’t, no looking back for me.

Pointythings, I think it's about changing the focus. As an ultimatum it didn't work, in that you didn't achieve what you wanted to happen. But you established your boundaries.You knew what you would accept and what you wouldn't and stuck to it. Big hugs to all who are going through this hell and to those who made it out.

Hello Peppette, I hope you are ok, please let us know how you are doing. 🌷

@Redland12
Husband was back to work today and it's still early days but we're all doing well. He was kind of pushing me on my limits when he was talking about the possibility of his mum's potential funeral, obviously he didn't want to talk about it because it was upsetting but I felt it was important to set the guidelines now, even though it might not happen during these 9 months. I said I didn't want him to drink at all because that was the point that I asked him to do this and he said he did so we reached a compromise of 2 drinks at the funeral (and neither of us are happy so that's the sign of a good compromise ). I am worried about the actual day (and following days) that she actually passes away though, he's an only child and a lot of everything will fall to him which will obviously be stressful. And I'm worried that he'll be thinking along the lines of "my mum just died, I'm allowed a drink" when it's this kind of thinking I have issue with. How do I broach this with him? Should I do it beforehand, should I just let it slide? It's so hard, I don't want to be heartless but I don't want to facilitate it either.

@Dontknowwhatimdoing
It's true that there is a controlling aspect I guess but he says I control him more than I do so when I say "I don't let him.. " usually that's me repeating what's hes said or his view and a lot of the time it's restrictions he's put on himself so that he doesn't disappoint me which I think is different. That being said, I have hard lines that I won't allow to be crossed and a lot of those lines are there because of his previous behaviour such as drinking to the point where my kids see him throwing up = he's not allowed to drink in front of them and has to get a hotel room or something if he's going to be drinking to that amount.

Hello Pettette, I’m so sorry about your mother in law, it is indeed a sad time. Of course it’s upsetting but it’s still making you Think about his drinking which you shouldn’t be really. Not in any situation, wedding, christening, there’s always an excuse. I know how hard it is but there’s nothing you can do at this moment, my husband would be doing the exact same thing, oh this has happened, oh that’s happened I need a drink. It’s a crutch for them, self medicating. Their thinking is not like ours I’m afraid, they justify everything. He did everything, only 2 pints a day, but just couldn’t do it, but, you also shouldn’t be saying he has to go to a hotel, it shouldn’t get to that point. It’s not normal. so here I am now painting the inside of our house to help sell it while he’s in the pub! All you can do is wait to see what happens. Look after yourself though and the children. You will know in yourself when the time comes to make changes. Stay on the thread as there is really good advice being given.

Hello Peppette, I’m thinking of you. Are you ok? 🌺