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Original poster

Inlaws giving separate gifts at christmas

51 replies

Jalapenohot · 27/12/2018 21:09

Wondering the MN consensus on this.
My parents always split the gifting equally at christmas time between DH and I. We usually get a sum of money between us. It is up to us whether we share the money or spend it on something collectively for the house for example.

My inlaws always give us separate gifts of money. I always have significantly less in my card than DH does.

Last year, DH seemed a little embarrassed and so we split all of the money equally. This year, he has proposed that we spend our joint money from my parents on something for the house and I get to decide what to spend the money on whilst we each keep our separate gifts from the ILs.

He has also asked me whether I would like him to talk to the ILs about giving us a joint financial gift from now on as opposed to seperate unequal ones.

I don't really know what to say.

I do find it a little strange that they give us separate gifts. To me, the amount they give to me is a lot, the amount they give to DH is significant. My parents give us quite a bit less.

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 27/12/2018 21:12

Hmm. I'm not sure. I'm on the opposite side of the fence in that my in laws always give me the same present (a token gift and a generous amount of money) as they give my sister in law (their daughter) and I'm always embarassed by it as I think that their daughter is their 'child' and surely she should be getting a more generous gift than me?

treaclesoda · 27/12/2018 21:13

Sorry, I should add that they give the same to my husband too.

I'm not ungrateful, I think it's very very kind of them. But I do find it awkward.

MMmomDD · 27/12/2018 21:18

OP - gift is a personal choice - there isn’t right and wrong.
Your parents chose to do it this way. His parents are totally within their rights to do it the way they want to.

You and your H, in turn - can decide anything you want - share or not.
I’d not be asking him to make his parents change.
Just be greatful for the presents.
No?

GreenTulips · 27/12/2018 21:18

They can gift what ever they like

How you split that at hone is up to you! So leave them out if it.

That said I dislike joint gifts - we aren’t joined at the hip and you should be thankful they have the manners to treat you as individuals rather than a pair.

You should decide what to spend your money in from your parents jointly, as it was given jointly

Then spend the money his parents gave as individuals

Then be grateful you have received generous gifts.

missmapp · 27/12/2018 21:19

My in-laws give dh more than me for christmas, birthdays etc. I think that is as it should be. He is their son. How money is used changes but is never an issue.

Voice0fReason · 27/12/2018 21:21

If they gave you separate gifts rather than money, would you expect to share them equally?
I find this quite odd. Just say thank you and spend the money.

ISdads · 27/12/2018 21:22

What do you normally do? Share salaries/bonuses? Then share this too. If you live more separate financial lives, I wouldn't share either. Sharing the smaller amount equally and keeping the larger amount unequally split is not fair.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 27/12/2018 21:23

So of the presents you got this year, your parents' one is to be shared equally and spent on the house, whereas his parents' one is unequal and you get to keep the smaller share yourself. What's yours is his and what's his is his then, eh?

Greystar · 27/12/2018 21:24

My DH gets more from his DP than they give me and my parents give me more than they give my DH... personally I think this is fair, I find it more odd that your folks don't give you more than your DH... I guess it's about your perspective but I would think it rude of you and your DH to tell you in-laws how to split it just say cheers for the money 👍🏻

BumbleBerries · 27/12/2018 21:25

I wouldn't ask him to talk to them. It's up to them how they gift, and they clearly like to separate it.

I get that he feels embarrassed but also that it would be uncomfortable if you got the same (as pp said). Why can't you just agree to join the money after its gifted? Are your finances usually split? Does he think they don't want you to have the money?

chocolatepluswine · 27/12/2018 21:28

That stood out to me, too.

Pandasarecute · 27/12/2018 21:31

This happens to us too OP! PIL a give DH a substantial cheque and me some lovely gifts, I'm certainly not complaining about them but they were nothing like the value of his cheque. Mine gave us the same amount of money, we are doing major decorating next year so the likelihood is that we'll pool the cash for that but I do find it odd that may parents treat him as a son, his parents don't treat me as a daughter

CaptainsYuleLog · 27/12/2018 21:41

We give both sons substantial cheques and their partners significantly less. Don't see why it's seen as a problem.

The partners are lovely young women but they aren't my children. They are grateful for what we give them. Why would they expect the same treatment? Daft.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 22:48

To me, the amount they give to me is a lot, the amount they give to DH is significant. My parents give us quite a bit less.

So his parents give you more money.

Why not split the money from your parents and spend your half as you choose.

Or he should add what his parents give to your amount (from his parents) and split equally.

In your position I'd feel hard done by...because your parents give jointly.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 22:50

I do find it odd that may parents treat him as a son, his parents don't treat me as a daughter

That's how it looks.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 22:53

But at the same time, he's not their son and you're not their daughter.

When I was married everything just went into the joint account and shared. It didn't matter who gave what.

ginyogarepeat · 27/12/2018 23:05

Hmmm. Count yourself lucky you get any amount of cash. I get what are very obviously second hand gifts for birthday and Christmas gifts each year from in-laws. Shit they don't want basically.

Hohocabbage · 27/12/2018 23:28

Why on earth should pil treat you as if you are the son or daughter they raised from childhood? It would be rude if you were left out entirely. My mum always gave me more than dh. I was, no matter my age, her baby after all! Dh’s Pil do the same.

Topseyt · 28/12/2018 02:40

My parents give larger sums to me than to DH, although they are quite generous to him on his birthday etc. His parents used to give him more than they would give me when they were alive.

I don't see that as odd at all. I think it is how it should be. We are both grateful for any money or gifts we receive. My DH is not my parents' son and wouldn't expect to be considered as such. I wasn't his parents' daughter either.

Cherries101 · 28/12/2018 02:53

I suggest you tell him that from now on, to make things fair, you should keep your parents gift. It’s a bit crap that he wants to share that anyway when he knows his name is only on the gift out of politeness. He can then choose to spend his parent’s gift as he likes but so do you.

StoppinBy · 28/12/2018 02:54

My PIL have on occasion given me gifts that are way less than what they have given my husband but this has been purely because they have known what he wanted and had no idea what to get me.

If we get given cash we get the same amount. For them (and I hope I feel the same way when my kids marry), when my husband and I decided to become partners, husband/wife, they took me as their daughter, all cards come signed Mum and Dad and that includes my birthday card.

I would like to hope that when my children choose life partners they would become my 'children' too and that I would treat them equally (please don't let my kids marry shit heads )

Mossyhill · 28/12/2018 03:08

My mil decided the year we married I was ‘now part of the family’ so she would give me a dh the same value in money/gifts.

This year was our first with a child. My gift got cut down considerably and my share given to dd. (I’m more than happy for her to have it). Dh got the same as usual but she gave him some of the money before Christmas Day so it all looked like we were give the same upon opening. She also made a big song and dance about how we were all treated the same which hurt because dh had told me what she had done.

It’s not about the money or gifts, I don’t care, it’s lying about it that I don’t like.

CircleofWillis · 28/12/2018 07:32

How much are we talking about? If your husband is getting hundreds or even thousands more than you and spending the entire amount on himself that does seem extremely unfair in a marriage. What is the difference in the shared amount from your DPs?

Notacluethisxmas · 28/12/2018 07:40

He isn't their son. You aren't their daughter.

Just because your parents do it one way, doesn't make it the right way.

Hopoindown31 · 28/12/2018 07:41

If you treat it as joint money this is a total non-issue so don't make it one.

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