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Original poster

Inlaws giving separate gifts at christmas

51 replies

Jalapenohot · 27/12/2018 21:09

Wondering the MN consensus on this.
My parents always split the gifting equally at christmas time between DH and I. We usually get a sum of money between us. It is up to us whether we share the money or spend it on something collectively for the house for example.

My inlaws always give us separate gifts of money. I always have significantly less in my card than DH does.

Last year, DH seemed a little embarrassed and so we split all of the money equally. This year, he has proposed that we spend our joint money from my parents on something for the house and I get to decide what to spend the money on whilst we each keep our separate gifts from the ILs.

He has also asked me whether I would like him to talk to the ILs about giving us a joint financial gift from now on as opposed to seperate unequal ones.

I don't really know what to say.

I do find it a little strange that they give us separate gifts. To me, the amount they give to me is a lot, the amount they give to DH is significant. My parents give us quite a bit less.

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 28/12/2018 07:47

I like Cherries answer.
You keep all your parents gift.

It certainly stood out to me he wants to spend your money on house stuff but keep the lions share of his parents gift. Maybe suggest his parents gifts are pulled and also spent on house stuff or HE gives you some of his cash to make things equal.

I know my mother got embarrassed by unequal gifts. So maybe he should suggest equally in his parents gift.

CaptainsYuleLog · 28/12/2018 08:35

So maybe he should suggest equally in his parents gift.

I would hope he wouldn't be so rude. They could both end up with nothing if he shows such ingratitude.

madeyemoodysmum · 28/12/2018 08:37

My mil spends about £50 on me and Dj gets a bit more. Doesn’t bother me.

If she gives us sums of money( rare. )
It’s for the house or similar. Then it’s for the benefit of all the family.

123Namechang · 28/12/2018 08:39

If you are given a joint gift of money that is exactly what it is.. a joint gift so decide together what to spend it on, if his parents give you separate money it is then each your own choice to decide what to spend it on, my dad gives me more than my DH because I'm his child, my DH would never ask me to share it with him.

If it bothers you so much ask your parents to split the money into two cards 60/40 or 70/30, so you get more.

Feb2018mumma · 28/12/2018 08:39

My DH got £200 and I got 3 January Sale Bath Sets (FIL said they were already wrapped January ready for me) off PIL. My mum got us a joint meal and joint present. My DH bought me a pair of shoes with his parents money but doubt they know it, I find it a bit rude as we are a adult married couple? But won't ever say anything!

FrangipaniBlue · 28/12/2018 08:57

This has to be among the strangest threads I've read on MN.

Firstly, why would anyone expect to receive the same value of gifts from their PILs as they give their biological child?? That's just bizarre, my PILs give me very generous gifts at Christmas but clearly spend more on DH, why wouldn't they?

Secondly - wtf is with the "sharing money" that's been given as a gift?? I get the whole family money concept but if money has been given as a gift it's intended for the recipient to buy something for them self, not shove it in the family pot Confused

Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 09:01

DH should NOT speak to his parents about this

If he wants to divvy out his gift he can. After all it's his money

MarthasGinYard · 28/12/2018 09:03

Of course he shouldn't speak to them.

Divvy it up as you like but you can't dictate how you think his parents should distribute gifts.

Annasgirl · 28/12/2018 09:08

Oh please read the OP before commenting!!!
Her parents give her and her DH a present EACH which just happens to be the same amount of money.
His parents give them a present EACH which is a different sum of money each and he gets significantly more. The total sum is also larger than that given by her parents.
OP’s DH now wants them to jointly spend her parents money on something for the house but spend his parents money separately in themselves.
This is where the problem is!
Perhaps suggest spending his parents money jointly and your parents money separately? He probably won’t agree and then you’ll know DH is the problem, not the gifts.

Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 09:11

Perhaps suggest spending his parents money jointly and your parents money separately? He probably won’t agree and then you’ll know DH is the problem, not the gifts.

I like this. WinkGrin

GreenTulips · 28/12/2018 09:18

Oh please read the OP before commenting!!!
Her parents give her and her DH a present EACH which just happens to be the same amount of money

Actually her parents give a joint present

SPR1107 · 28/12/2018 09:32

I might be reading it wrong but why does it make any difference?
This sounds more like how you as a couple split your finances rather than anything else.
If my parents gave me £150 and gave my DH £150, and my his parents gave DH £100, and me £50... WE would have £450. Regardless to who opened which envelope

Unless one of the parents specified 'I've given you this cash for the (specific item) you've mentioned. We would just have that combined amount of money and do whatever we wanted with it.

I also wouldn't expect my partners parents to match the way my parents gift either.
We're not allowed money at Christmas, but my partners mum spends equal on me and my DH. My mum spends most on my DS, slightly less on me, and slightly less again on DH, then we get some joint home gifts.
So both parents do it different, and it's just their choice

Fmlgirl · 28/12/2018 13:39

My in-laws are Chinese. They give us each a red wallet with money in it. I asked my fiancé once and it was the same amount but I suspect that sometimes it‘s not. I guess he is still their son and I’m not. I find that strange also because my mum tends to give a joint gift but each family is different and I’m fine with that.

BlueJava · 28/12/2018 13:46

My parents give us both identifical amounts (we're not married but together 20+ years with DCs in case that is relevant). My DP's parents give a small gift to me (e.g. book) and a money to their DS (my DP), this year £250 for clarification.

We always keep what is given to us and I never worry about what my DP has from his parents, that's how they choose to do it. However, I am the higher earner and money isn't a big issue. Perhaps I'd feel differently if it was.

Original poster
Jalapenohot · 28/12/2018 19:21

Interesting to read the various takes on this. Just to clarify that we are each given separate cards from PILs with our individual names on with different amounts inside.
Not a huge issue.
But not sure I want to spend the joint smaller sum of money from my parents on house stuff, whilst the individual amounts from his parents get spent individually. He has been given more than double my amount... he has received £200 in his card.

OP posts:
Kikipost · 28/12/2018 19:26

I do find it odd that may parents treat him as a son, his parents don't treat me as a daughter

Why on earth do you find that odd? They’re different people!

Kikipost · 28/12/2018 19:27

Oh we are not talking significant money here.

Generous, certainly, but not significant sums
Let it go

EdtheBear · 28/12/2018 23:15

Kikipost actually £200 is a significant sum esp if your skint.

GreenTulips · 29/12/2018 00:39

Then the issue is with your husbands mindset not the gift givers

You need to agree to pool all the money and each take a share equally

Or take X for anything house hold needed and share the difference

He’s the issue

HJWT · 29/12/2018 16:45

&@Jalapenohot then give him half of the money from the JOINT present of you parents and spend your half on what you would like

DBML · 29/12/2018 17:59

We’d put any monetary gifts into the joint account and job done.

ittakes2 · 29/12/2018 18:19

You do realise that most adults do not get money from both sets of in-laws for Christmas each year? I would graciously accept any offering in whatever form it was kindly offered in if I was you.

HJWT · 29/12/2018 18:52

@ittakes2 my in laws don't even buy us a card 😂

chestylarue52 · 29/12/2018 20:48

Have I stepped into some kind of weird twilight zone here?!

Why would you not just say 'thank you' and skip off to spend the money!

Complaining about who gives who more... Are you 12?

Boysnme · 29/12/2018 21:47

Equal amounts given on both sides here although my PIL spend more than my Dad on us.

If it bothers you that much ask your parents to give you more and your DH less to even it out.

Or just say thank you and spend your gifts.