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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is shit, right? Actually I know it is!

212 replies

CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces · 27/12/2018 00:50

Hi.
I have been with my partner for almost 15 years, we are not married. We have 2 children together and I have 2 from a previous relationship, dd1 is 21, ds1 is 17, ds2 is 13 and dd2 is 8.

Dd1 is at uni, so only comes home for holidays and ds1 spends most of his time at his girlfriends, so is hardly home. Neither of them like to be around too long because of him, and that makes me sad.

My partner has always been loud and swears quite a bit, but I have made excuses for him, he had a rough upbringing etc, etc. But he is 39 and should know how to behave!
I don't like to go out with him because he will get wound up by someone or something and express it and quite frankly I feel so embarrassed by him.

He has never been violent but does shout and swear at me when we row and to my shame I have thrown back the sweary insults. He also takes the mick out of me, like when he says something I said, but in a winey voice. I have asked him to stop, he does for a while, but then does it again.

Things will be good for a few months, we will both do the housework, even though I will still do most of it, but he gets the hump if I don't lavish him with praise that he folded up some washing, or put a wash on. (Don't get me wrong I do say thank you regularly, but no one thanks me continuously for feeding them or ironing their clothes.) We will laugh together like we used to and I will think, oh maybe everything will be fine

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that he has to compare everything that someone has achieved or said to himself, e.g. ds2 will tell him that he got to the next level on a computer game, partner will then say something like "well I did it quicker". Ds then looks deflated, and I point that out, later, and tell dp that he is an arse and everything isn't about him. This has happened many many times over the years with all of the dcs.

Today when he woke up and came downstairs I asked him not have the TV too loud as I had a bit of a headache and he mumbled something about he wasn't doing Christmas next year and has been sulking all day upstairs.
He doesn't really like Christmas, so I feel I have to put a huge front on.
Dd1 went to a friend's house as he just makes the atmosphere horrible.

I'm the one who sorts out all the bills, (he is useless with money), do the school run, sorts out childcare and all appointments for the dcs, we both work.

Our youngest has a medical condition that she needs to take tablets for and has regular hospital appointments, yet I have done every single appointment, even when he was off work.

I've come to realise that I'm just sad most of the time and I think be is only here because I can go out without taking the dcs everywhere with me.
I'm happier when I'm at work and have other adults to talk to and I find I'm sharing my success' with them more than dp.

I know there are relationships that are in worst shape, so thank you if you have managed to read this far.

Or maybe it's me that is defective?

OP posts:
Original poster
CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces · 27/12/2018 00:51

So why is it so hard to call it a day?

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 27/12/2018 01:15

He sounds like a petulant manchild. Maybe you should think about how you both communicate and if it's working for you. It's always a bad sign when you're dreading going out with somebody because you fear they'll embarrass you.

tittietinsel · 27/12/2018 01:21

Neither of them like to be around too long because of him, and that makes me sad.

Paragraph 2/11.

Tells you all you need to know.

Your children may be adults, but this should make you take action, not sit passively and feel sad.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/12/2018 01:24

He sounds utterly repulsive Lady, it’s hard to leave because leaving IS hard, but you know EVERYONE would benefit if you left Him, all your kids would be happier. You would be happy too Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 01:25

It’s not you, it’s him.

For the sake of your children please LTB. You’ll all be happier without him.

Singlenotsingle · 27/12/2018 01:27

It's hard because you'd be facing the unknown, and starting again. Is that worse than carrying on like this forevermore with this bad mannered, ill tempered embarrassing piece of nastiness? Just think, another 30 - 40 years ...

AntiHop · 27/12/2018 01:31

He sounds like hard work and I'm guessing life would be much easier if you left him.

Original poster
CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces · 27/12/2018 01:44

Thank you all for the advice.
I feel I communicate quite well and he makes all the right noises about changing, but then goes back.
My eldest dd says he is a child quite often and I bloody know it, but our youngest DCs would be gutted if he left. Especially dd2.

I went through a separation when my eldest where 5 and 2 because their dad cheated on me, but you know that was as 'real' reason to leave.

That's why I think I may be defective!

I think that is the scary part, starting again, I will be 40 soon, but I'm not sure I could have another 30 odd years with him!

I thought if I just wait until the youngest is a bit older...but I just feel so, actually I'm not sure what I feel

OP posts:
tittietinsel · 27/12/2018 01:46

I thought if I just wait until the youngest is a bit older...

Meanwhile your older DC are getting further away from you.

Original poster
CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces · 27/12/2018 01:57

Yes tittie, true, I do have a great relationship with them both, and I know I need to make sure that never changes.

I guess it is just so hard and partner has no where were he could go, so what would I do about that

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/12/2018 05:32

If the property youre in is yours and you're not married, it's not your problem where he goes, presumably he has family, friends or can go to a hotel if need be.

MumsyJ · 27/12/2018 05:55

Don't be scared of starting over. You've got your children to channel all your positive energy on. For a man not to take his child to her hospital appointments even on his day off, speaks volumes. Children should come first and he should be a role model and minimise his swearing in their presence. You're not married to him, don't feel tied down, think of the lovely children first and don't you ever be scared to start afresh. X

Janedoe5000 · 27/12/2018 06:01

"I know that there are relationships in worse shape."

I'd be surprised if there were.

This sounds terrible. I fail to see what you get out of having him around. The only box he seems to tick is "have another adult under the same roof as me".

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2018 06:11

You have a parent child relationship, you can stop being the parent and this in turn will help him being the child- but he probably needs to also realise he’s being the child.

To be honest relationships like this usually struggle in the bedroom due to obvious reasons

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 27/12/2018 06:31

Oh God Love come on! At the moment leaving feels like just another massive task that you have to do.

Get your big girl pants on and sit him down calmly ant tell him you want to end it, he has to leave and give him a short time frame to do it if he can be civil. If he can't be civil he has to go immediately.

Make sure that anything precious and important paperwork is hidden first though. He sound sthe type that would relish the chance to spoilt something that was important to you or to steal a document you rely on. Get organised and get him gone. This is the best time of year to do it. Fresh start and all that.

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2018 06:41

Polluted, him leaving will dramatically reduce the tasks in the house, one less big baby to look after and also have her dc back at home instead of escaping to friends all the time to avoid him

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:04

Staying in this relationship will have been hugely detrimental to all your DC - staying even longer will just compound that.

GreasyFryUp · 27/12/2018 07:09

I would also question why someone cheating on you is a more valid reason to split up than someone treating you like shit. You and your kids don't deserve this treatment.

Luglio · 27/12/2018 07:18

partner has no where were he could go, so what would I do about that

Come on, OP. He's a big boy. He'll find another berth, no trouble at all.

OliviaStabler · 27/12/2018 07:27

Neither of them like to be around too long because of him, and that makes me sad.

It shouldn't make you sad, it should make you angry.

Do you want your other dc's to go through the same? Where they don't want to be at home much because you choose to stay with a man who sounds like he makes all your lives miserable with his sulking and temper?

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 07:34

but you know that was as 'real' reason to leave.

What you are going through now is also a real reason to leave

mumbojumb · 27/12/2018 07:44

So DD1 is only home when on holiday from university yet she would prefer to be at a friends house then 'home'?
Heartbreaking

Mousetolioness · 27/12/2018 07:46

You're forty and the prospect of another 30 years of the same isn't thrilling you... you do have options and as PPs have said he is a grown man.

Undercoverbanana · 27/12/2018 07:54

You deserve better OP, and so do your DCs.

He doesn’t bring any joy to your life and doesn’t contribute in any practical way either by the sounds of it.

DeepanKrispanEven · 27/12/2018 07:59

What's the score with your home? Is it owned or rented, and in whose name/s?