This is shit, right? Actually I know it is!

[CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces]

Hi.
I have been with my partner for almost 15 years, we are not married. We have 2 children together and I have 2 from a previous relationship, dd1 is 21, ds1 is 17, ds2 is 13 and dd2 is 8.

Dd1 is at uni, so only comes home for holidays and ds1 spends most of his time at his girlfriends, so is hardly home. Neither of them like to be around too long because of him, and that makes me sad.

My partner has always been loud and swears quite a bit, but I have made excuses for him, he had a rough upbringing etc, etc. But he is 39 and should know how to behave!
I don't like to go out with him because he will get wound up by someone or something and express it and quite frankly I feel so embarrassed by him.

He has never been violent but does shout and swear at me when we row and to my shame I have thrown back the sweary insults. He also takes the mick out of me, like when he says something I said, but in a winey voice. I have asked him to stop, he does for a while, but then does it again.

Things will be good for a few months, we will both do the housework, even though I will still do most of it, but he gets the hump if I don't lavish him with praise that he folded up some washing, or put a wash on. (Don't get me wrong I do say thank you regularly, but no one thanks me continuously for feeding them or ironing their clothes.) We will laugh together like we used to and I will think, oh maybe everything will be fine

I think the thing that upsets me the most is that he has to compare everything that someone has achieved or said to himself, e.g. ds2 will tell him that he got to the next level on a computer game, partner will then say something like "well I did it quicker". Ds then looks deflated, and I point that out, later, and tell dp that he is an arse and everything isn't about him. This has happened many many times over the years with all of the dcs.

Today when he woke up and came downstairs I asked him not have the TV too loud as I had a bit of a headache and he mumbled something about he wasn't doing Christmas next year and has been sulking all day upstairs.
He doesn't really like Christmas, so I feel I have to put a huge front on.
Dd1 went to a friend's house as he just makes the atmosphere horrible.

I'm the one who sorts out all the bills, (he is useless with money), do the school run, sorts out childcare and all appointments for the dcs, we both work.

Our youngest has a medical condition that she needs to take tablets for and has regular hospital appointments, yet I have done every single appointment, even when he was off work.

I've come to realise that I'm just sad most of the time and I think be is only here because I can go out without taking the dcs everywhere with me.
I'm happier when I'm at work and have other adults to talk to and I find I'm sharing my success' with them more than dp.

I know there are relationships that are in worst shape, so thank you if you have managed to read this far.

Or maybe it's me that is defective?

Hi
He has no family, and only a couple of friends.
My eldest is at uni in Scotland, and we are in London, so it is expensive to come home very often.

Sex life was good, but I really can't be bothered with it now.

House is rented.

The harsh truth is he's not your problem. He is an adult who needs to act like one. You don't want to carry on the way you have so if you can afford to continue to rent your home alone then you need to ask him to find somewhere to rent for himself where he can have his kids to stay preferably not too far from their schools to make things easier for them. You are not even 40 you really don't want to leave it any longer and waste anymore of your life. Also it isn't good for any of your DC's seeing someone behave like this any basically getting away with that behaviour, it teaches all the wrong lessons.

Gosh I feel so sorry for your first two children. How could you bear to date and marry someone they disliked? Where was your loyalty to them?

People don't change, largely. To do so they need to fully take on board they are getting things wrong and make a monumental, sustained effort. People say they will try to change all the time because it then strings you along for a bit longer. Your dp won't ever change. He hasn't got it in him.

You can't change the past but you can find your strength and your respect for your children and leave. Then you can spend time learning about what a decent relationship looks like. And apologise very sincerely to your children for not valuing their feelings. Life could be so much better than this. It is hard leaving but put one foot in front of the other and get on with it. For your sake too

Your staying together for the children.

What are your children learning about relationships?
What are your children learning about valuing themselves?

Your children are learning lessons but are they the ones you want them to learn?

For the sake of the children leave.

So he is an emotionally abusive bully.

You are not married. So the house - whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

You can speak to Women's Aid for advice btw. I think you need it.

He sounds like a complete arse, it seems to me that you are all holding your breath while he is around, waiting for him to kick off, or mock someone, or just generally act like a dick. You are still young, get rid of him and start living your life. Your DC will thank you in the long run.

gender, they didn't dislike him at first, and I didn't marry him! He was great for a good while.
Mousse, yes I think that is what I'm doing.

The tenancy is in my name.

I'm going out for a while with the DCs so will pop back on later.
I appreciate all the advice.
Thank you

You keep telling him that he upsets you/your dc and he repeats that behaviour regardless?

Hi, I was out most of the day with the DCs and then went to a friend's house, drank too much coffee, and told her everything and felt much better, she is in my corner, I knew she would be, it's just nice to know that. We got home after 9.

Partner didn't inquire once if we were ok.

Have you tried telling him what he is doing wrong? Do you take on all the appointments instead of asking him to do them? It's easy to become a martyr instead of spelling out what you want him to do.

You say he was great for a good while is there any chance you could communicate properly with him and tell him how his behaviour is affecting everyone? You say the youngest would miss him. Does that mean he's a good dad to them?

Your house sounds busy, maybe you have all forgotten how to value one another. It's very easy to avoid confrontation but maybe that's what you need. Do you ask him how he's feeling about things. To be frank there's little point in moaning to your friend about him.

You said that you had a decent sex life. Try to focus on getting things back on track. You both need a wake up call.

If you were at your friend's house he wouldn't need to check to see how you were getting on.

The bottom line is if you have no feelings for him, find him repulsive, and don't want him in your life then tell him. Don't waste any more time. He is not your responsibility. You have to ask yourself why you stayed with someone your kids didn't like but mulling over that now won't get you anywhere.

We are all responsible for letting things slide to a certain extent. Don't let things slide anymore. You are the head of your family. Can you do anything to improve the situation? If not, don't let the status quo continue.

Curvy I stayed for the sake of the children for over two years & he 'attended' counselling. Except I found out he was lying about that & then insisted it was a condition of our marriage that he went & €50 left our joint account every week from then on except I still have no idea whether he went or not, the minute I called time on our marriage the money stopped being withdrawn. When I told him I was done he suggested marriage counselling but I'd asked him to do that years before & he wouldn't so I refused & said I was done.

I'd to get a protection order from him since then & he moved out once the courts put it in place.

I've a thread if you're interested in reading it. I'm 35 today & my marriage is over. There's good advice there.

For me making the decision was easy once I was ready & stopped making excuses for him & realised that he was abusing me both emotionally, verbally & occasionally physically & to an extent sexually(withholding to 'bully me or make me feel sorry). It was coercive control too.
Things would be alright between us for a week or so after sex it was like it appeased him for a while.

I did the freedom programme online and it showed me all of the reasons our relationship was wrong. It's cheap, worth doing.

I debated long and hard about the children because I thought it was in their interest to stay together but then I realised I didn't want this to be the relationship model they thought was right & I could see ds mirroring his fathers behaviour and dd altering hers so as not to anger her father.
My stepdaughter said to me once 'it's better to be from a broken home than grow up in one' and it stuck firmly in my mind.

Has your dp got any good points?
There's a lot of LTB on mumsnet, maybe he isn't a bastard only you know that.

How could you bear to date and marry someone they disliked? Where was your loyalty to them?

This.

Lake I have told him, he promises to change, things are fine for a bit, but then it goes back to what it was like before.
I have asked, he always has something else to do.
The last thing I want to do is to get intimate with him.
Actually talking to my friend really helped.
I was surprised he didn't call to see where we were as he didn't know where we were going and he usually calls if we have been out for a number of hours.

It has been in the last couple of years that things have gone sour.

happier, I don't like the way he shouts, especially in front of the DCs and I hate it when he calls me a name.
I call him out on it every single time, yet it makes no difference.
He can be a good parent, but then it all goes wrong after a month or so and my youngest says, "I don't like it when daddy shouts, so I will not get in his way", which is heartbreaking, I tell her it isn't her fault and that she mustn't change her behaviour because daddy loves her. BUT I don't want her thinking it is ok for adults to shout, bang doors, etc and I know that is one of the reasons that I have come more passive, to make sure that she doesn't see him do that and again I know that is all kinds of wrong.
happier I will re-read your thread again. He is at work today, so I can read without being interrupted.

I'm sensing similar vibes to the difficulties I had with h, dd telling me she used to hide while daddy was angry broke my heart

When I was bathing dd2 earlier, she asked why I looked so sad, I just said I was tired, she said "no mummy that is your sad face, your tired face is different". "Tell me who made you sad and I will tell them it isn't nice".
Broke my heart

He sounds horrible, a bully and man child. He's hardly a catch on nay level, what's good about him? He treats you with no respect and he brings nothing to you or your children's lives. It just sounds so sad, listen to what your emotions are telling you.

You'd be happier without him, you are not so old that you couldn't build another, more fulfilling life.

Start the new year as you mean to go on. Good luck! x x x

Also made me realise that my poker face is pretty rubbish.
I need to keep it together, for at least a while longer. There are a few things I need to have in place before I tell him.
It may take a few months to get those things in place, but I know I can't carry on like this.

OP - I am in the position of your oldest DD and speaking from personal experience its heartbreaking to see my mother put up with her partner. She would be so sad to see me end up with a man like hers so I dont know why she puts up with it. I'm just glad that by the time they got together I was old enough to realise it wasn't normal for a relationship to live under a constant cloud of gloom. I try and remain supportive of her and keep a polite distance to him as much as possible but it's really hard sometimes. Her friends have quietly taken me aside in the past to ask why on earth she is with him, so I know it's not just daughterly bias!
I wish you all the happiness in the world, one day you will look back on this when your kids are older and happy and wonder why you put up with it for so long.

Thunder, thank you.

@CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces it does take time to sort out what you want to do and then put the plan into action. Making the decision is easy, just try not to let that decision be eroded by day to day life. It's easy to make excuses and convince yourself it's not so bad (when it really is). If possible start focusing on what practical things you need to get sorted and always beware that a man like this, being told to leave or that you are leaving,can completely change and be much worse and more abusive and deceitful than you could ever have imagined. In particular joint savings can be taken leaving you struggling so it's worth planning what you would do about anything like that and sort it out so that you have your half safe in an account only you have access to also change PIN numbers and passwords to emails social media and bank accounts.

red, yes I know, I will not lose my nerve.
I have told only one person in rl of my plan and they are close and have offered theirs as a place of safety.
I would really like to think that he would never get violent though, but I know I can't rely on that.
He will be the one to leave.

mammy I looked at the freedom programme and will pay for it when I get paid, thank you. There was the free clip of 'the bully' and I watched that and I recognised some of the behaviours, not the more extreme ones, but still.

Excellent curvy I'm delighted to hear that.
It really opened my mind to stuff I hadn't even realised was wrong I guess.

My dm spoke to me about Christmas and how it would be difficult and I said when h asked me what I wanted for Christmas over the years I'd say happiness and no more fighting and this year I got it, she welled up but it really hit home to me that I've done it & life can only get better now.

Your poor dd how perceptive of her.

Actually mammy when my partner asks me that I always say a nice day with no tension. For the last 3 Christmases there has been tension. I will not allow it to happen again.
I'm really pleased you finally got your wish x
I think the hardest thing now, is that I can't just tell him that it is over, will have to keep my calm and just rant on here to offload I think.

We are going to see walking with dinosaurs tomorrow, so that will be nice for the youngest DCs and will break the day up a bit

Get your ducks in a row first and that day will be here before you know it. I'd only 3 days before deciding and telling him but then had 8 months of still living together to endure.

Well done mammy.
8 months is a long time, I have no idea how you endured that.

Actually I think I do, your lovely DCs have been your focus and you have had their best interests all the way through.
I now need to do the same.