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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling hurt

59 replies

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:12

There isn't a backstory of trouble and strife to this one. Today my husband's son came to visit for a couple of hours with his baby twins and wife of 6 months. I was out at work. They were given token presents each and presents for the babies and cards - all from me and my husband.

When I get home I find that they have left some gifts and a card, all from them as a family, and all addressed to either Dad or Grandpa. Nothing for me.
I've known his son since he was 12 years old, he's 25 now. The only time he's given me a Christmas present was for the first couple of years when his mum obviously did the purchasing. Presents - some of them big presents (think deposit on rented flat!) - have always been sent from me and his dad. We've never had a stepmum/son sort of relationship, didn't spend a lot of time together when he came to us at weekends. Nothing antagonistic about that, just that him and his dad had established routines involving being out most weekends on a shared hobby. Always been perfectly amiable. He has a loving mum and dad. Re lack of Xmas presents I just kept putting it down to him being rather thoughtless.
This time though I guess it's time for me to decide that it's deliberate? Just quietly back off and leave them to it? My husband can't understand why I'm upset about not getting a little present, I'm trying to explain that it just feels deliberately hurtful and unkind. To come to my home, leave several presents and nothing, not even a bunch of flowers, for me. It's rude and rather mean isn't it? Can anyone even imagine him and his wife having a conversation where she says "What about something for Reg?" and he says... what??

Sorry it's long. Regardless of replies I feel better for getting it out of my system!

OP posts:

Hopoindown31 · 26/12/2018 18:22

To be honest it sounds like he doesn't care for you and you have never had much of a relationship anyway. Was that your decision?

AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 18:23

That does sound mean

LaughingCow99 · 26/12/2018 18:25

Yes, it's rude. Id be hurt as well. I'm sure you were very generous when his babies arrived? I'd not bother getting him anything anymore. It sounds like a conscious effort to not get you anything. It's not like he forgot you, is it.

Original poster

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:26

I thought we were friends if that makes sense. I've not been his step mum, but we've spent happy times together with his dad, and I've been someone for him to talk to when he's been upset about things.
To me it feels more than just not caring for me, more pointed than that, but I've honestly never clashed with him about anything.
I just wouldn't dream of a situation where I would snub a family member like this, unless I really wanted to hurt them. In my family we've even rushed around last minute to buy little gifts for recent girlfriends that my nephew's have sprung on us.
I don't know what my decision is. At the moment I feel like just being out when they visit, but I know that will upset my husband (proud grandpa).

OP posts:

Original poster

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:30

We don't have a lot of money, but we brought him his first car (old banger) and lent him the deposit so he could rent the flat that his then girlfriend moved into and where they live now they are married. We put a lot of thought into the presents for the babies. I wrapped them...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 18:31

Be the bigger person, reg. Life really is too short.

But of course, this is the last time you will make a special effort for them. Be cool, be nice, be distant. Save your special energy for those that appreciate it.

MMmomDD · 26/12/2018 18:33

Look - when he was a kid - it was up to you to build down sort of a relationship. Even if he was out a lot with his dad. If you wanted to have a bond of some sort - it was up to you.
You chose not to.

In addition - he may have issues with divorce that stayed with him.

Given 1) and 2) - and after these many years where no presents for you has always been a status quo - why is it an issue now, all of a sudden? Are you looking for a reason to pick an argument?

I’ll summarise. Since he was a kid - him and you didn’t have much of the relationship. Presents to him - he sees as presents from his dad, and the mention of you is just politeness. Hence he doesn’t feel the need to pretend that you are his family. You aren’t, you didn’t act like a step-parent as you said. So - not a family, no gift.
It’s not about you.

His relationship is with his dad.

Ledehe · 26/12/2018 18:35

Well maybe he thinks you didn't make much effort with him as a child. Being told you would be "out at work" when family were visiting maybe he thought you had no interest in him or his family. You might put thought into gifts but does he know that is you or does he think that's all down to his dad. You have known him since he was 12 but don't consider him your stepson?

deepwatersolo · 26/12/2018 18:38

regmover you said you bought him the first car (and whatever else), but does he understand it was always from both of you and your husband didn‘t do it alone, just saying ‚from us‘ out of courtesy? If all the hobby stuff was him&dad, he may well think the same goes for presents?

deepwatersolo · 26/12/2018 18:38

Ledehe Cross Post.

Original poster

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:40

This isn't AIBU MMmom, but thanks for the beating anyway.
I'm not sure how you decided that I'm looking for a reason to pick an argument, but just to clarify I'm not, and I've told his dad not to say anything about it.
He knows that his mum left his dad after she had an affair, many, many years before I met him.
As I said, we did have a relationship, what I'd term as being friends. He came to us every weekend, we had friendly chats, watched films together and occasional outings with his dad. But I wasn't his step mum, I always felt that he had a perfectly good and loving mum already and he didn't need mothering by me. He was a pretty self-sufficient 12 year old.
In my world if you visit friends at Xmas you take them a little gift.
I'll probably just do as AF suggested. Thanks AF.

OP posts:

Original poster

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:42

I don't really know how else you indicate that a gift comes from two people other than putting that on the label, writing it in the card and being there together beaming with pride when you hand over the envelope with cash in for the first old banger?
I accept I haven't been his mum, but we've never had an antagonistic word - the opposite really. So I guess he's found a reason to really dislike me that I can't fathom after what is it, 13 odd years.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 18:45

Enjoy the rest of your Boxing Day, reg

Original poster

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:46

Thanks AF, you too.

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JK1773 · 26/12/2018 18:49

I don’t think he’s found a reason not to like you. He’s been to spend time with you today. Regarding the gift I’d say that’s probably a bit thoughtless rather than malicious. Don’t make it into more than it is. I spend time and money on my uncle every year. He never gets me anything. That’s just the way it is, a long established pattern

LemonTT · 26/12/2018 18:59

I think it is thoughtless and rude. You are not just anybody and you have contributed to his lifestyle when you could have withheld support. I think his father and maybe mother should have a word.

Nothing wrong with recognising he already had a mother and father when growing up.

Beautyandthe · 26/12/2018 19:10

Don't see how this could have been unintentional / accidentally.

Tony2 · 26/12/2018 19:14

I sympathize. A thought, young blokes can be pretty gormless about this sort of thing, not malice, just thoughtless. I love cooking, done two Xmas dinners happily. All I wanted was, thanks, nice that. No medals, it is my pleasure, just a shared word. Not a sausage. My biological millennial daughter, no issues that I know of, but has never once sent me a card, tho she gave me a CD once, and lovely, a silver ring, which I adore. Nothing else, ever. She has no real concept of the ritual, the bonding, hell, the love of tokens. If she gave me a jar of lime pickle I'd love her even more. Some people are just wired up differently. Shame

maximumcarnage · 26/12/2018 19:26

I think us guys are generally thoughtless. We don’t always think about things quite the same way. For instance I never bother with cards. I think they’re an utter waste of money. Brief display on the mantelpiece. Binned two days later. Pointless. But I’m willing to be a chunk of you posters would be tickled pink if someone got you a card. A demonstration of kindness and consideration. Odds are, we just bought the first one we saw. But I digress.

Odds are he doesn’t have any emotional or personal connection. For his informative years you were just the nice lady hooked up to his dad. He was and continues to be polite to you, certainly doesn’t hate you. But there’s nothing there from his perspective.

I don’t mean this in a nasty way you must understand. Simply that being nice and friendly doesn’t equate to personal, family and meaningful. He probably assumes you were never that bothered about him and doesn’t think by treating you the way he has, you’re not especially bothered either.

In short he doesn’t have a clue he’s upset you. Is it rude? Yes. Thoughtless? Certainly. But I doubt it’s malicous. I would suggest you either shrug your shoulders and accept that’s how it will always be. Or actually go out of your way to build a meaningful bond. And perhaps spell out a bit of consideration. Wouldn’t go astray. I won’t judge with either approach. Other than try not to take it personally. And yeah, got a little first hand experience of this scenario.

Thymeout · 26/12/2018 19:37

Who do you think bought and wrapped the presents for your DH? Do you think it was your ss or his wife? I can imagine a convo in which she said, 'What about Reg?' and he said, 'No I don't usually give her a present.' Not being mean, but just stating a fact.

Of course, it would have been nice if she'd asked why? and made him think a bit. And I do understand why you feel hurt. But I don't see any reason for you to think it was deliberate or intended to make you feel bad.

You say you thought of him as a friend, but he'd probably just describe your relationship as 'amicable'. You get on OK, but you wouldn't be in his life if it weren't for his father. I think this happens with a lot of step relationships. As you say, you didn't take on the role of step-mother, because he already had a mother and he wasn't living with you so you were only on the periphery of his relationship with his father. He may have thought of the expensive presents as being from him, and you were on the label, just as a courtesy, like signing an Xmas card.

Things may change with the birth of the babies. Will you take an active grandmotherly role, baby-sitting?, sleepovers? Or will things continue as before?

I'm not blaming anyone. Just describing the situation as I see it.

AbbieLexie · 26/12/2018 19:41

I can empathise

Original poster

regmover · 26/12/2018 21:19

The answer is that I'm going to let it settle in my mind and then decide how to handle things going forward.
I think if it was just the lack of even a token gift it would be one thing, but not including me on the Christmas card is something else. In what situation would you hand deliver a card to just one of a couple - any couple - who you knew well and had been together for 13 years? Maybe that's what has really stung me, it's bloody rude.
I won't be starting any sort of row, I just don't do family dramas. I'll just let the dust settle and see how I feel in a few weeks time.
Babysitting? We'll see about that too I guess.

BTW "Being told you would be "out at work" when family were visiting maybe he thought you had no interest in him or his family."
I had to work on this one day, out of all the times he has been round alone, as a couple, and more recently with the babies. Hardly an excuse to decide that I had no interest in him or his family is it? You could look at it another way - if they'd come a bit later, or tomorrow, they would have been able to visit when I'm here. I have no control over having to work during the holiday period.

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FinallyHere · 26/12/2018 21:34

I think if it was just the lack of even a token gift it would be one thing, but not including me on the Christmas card is something else.

this ^

Regardless of the depth of the relationship, who would do that?

giesabreak · 26/12/2018 21:55

@regmover What he did was terribly rude.

I posted on here before, asking if it was terrible to turn up at my uncles on Xmas with gifts for him, but no gift for his wife (he brought me up and he left us for her - it's the only time I've been in her house). That was purely because it was last minute thing to go there. I was quite rightly told I couldn't do that, so popped to the M&S garage and got her an Xmas plant.

I'd be hurt by your SS if I was you. And I'd be disappointed in my DS if he ever treated his SM that way.

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 13:06

Thank you everyone for putting different points of view. I'm going to just quietly step back from the relationship, not do anything to make things awkward for happy Grandpa, but I feel it's now his relationship, not mine.
I spoke to a couple of people who know us all who say they always thought that step son and I had a happy and nice relationship. I didn't "mother" him, but it wouldn't have been appropriate and I doubt it would have been welcomed.
A friend suggested that I imagine a situation where I'd only been with his dad for a few years, not been around as part of his life as a child. Then imagine not having my name on the Christmas card with it only addressed to his dad, but from all of them. It would be weird and rude and deliberate. I just don't believe this was a careless accident.
I hope they enjoyed their presents, all carefully wrapped by me, and labelled from me and Dad.

(I think they might be going whistle for babysitting from me to be honest, I'm only human).

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