Feeling hurt

[regmover]

There isn't a backstory of trouble and strife to this one. Today my husband's son came to visit for a couple of hours with his baby twins and wife of 6 months. I was out at work. They were given token presents each and presents for the babies and cards - all from me and my husband.

When I get home I find that they have left some gifts and a card, all from them as a family, and all addressed to either Dad or Grandpa. Nothing for me.
I've known his son since he was 12 years old, he's 25 now. The only time he's given me a Christmas present was for the first couple of years when his mum obviously did the purchasing. Presents - some of them big presents (think deposit on rented flat!) - have always been sent from me and his dad. We've never had a stepmum/son sort of relationship, didn't spend a lot of time together when he came to us at weekends. Nothing antagonistic about that, just that him and his dad had established routines involving being out most weekends on a shared hobby. Always been perfectly amiable. He has a loving mum and dad. Re lack of Xmas presents I just kept putting it down to him being rather thoughtless.
This time though I guess it's time for me to decide that it's deliberate? Just quietly back off and leave them to it? My husband can't understand why I'm upset about not getting a little present, I'm trying to explain that it just feels deliberately hurtful and unkind. To come to my home, leave several presents and nothing, not even a bunch of flowers, for me. It's rude and rather mean isn't it? Can anyone even imagine him and his wife having a conversation where she says "What about something for Reg?" and he says... what??

Sorry it's long. Regardless of replies I feel better for getting it out of my system!

Thank you again everyone for sharing your views and experiences.

This may sound a bit callous and open me up to criticism - but - I have decided that it is most important to me that my DH can enjoy a good relationship with them and his grandchildren. I am quite content to take the step back that we've talked about, be civil but distant. I have a brilliant family on my "side" and that's enough for me.
Getting him to confront his son and try to sort this out is never going to end well and, without going into previous relationship problems, I don't want him to end up estranged from them. I don't think talking to them would change anything about how they feel about me, and would do more harm than good. I can live with that, as I can live with just not having much of a family feeling with them in the future.

Not quite sure why you think that makes you sound callous, OP. Surely, the very opposite? Magnanimous and generous.

I know youbare really thinking of your DP, but if I was your DP I would want to try and sort this out in some way. I would say to my son, 'DS, I was a bit hurt that you didn't put Regs name on Xmas card. She's my DW and I thought you got along?'
It doesn't have to include dsdil or even you. I can't help thinking that may be something from years ago is festering with DDS, rightly or wrongly and it's still affecting his feelings towards you.

That sounds best to me

I don't think you keep on holding back, you have a certain dynamic with SS which isn't going to change (and is hurtful to you) but I'd try and be a more hands on Step Grandma, Fuss over the babies, buy little things for them that you couldn't resist etc. You have a chance to set a different tone with the wife/family now and I'd take that chance, rather than feel hurt year on year.

I think it sounds more like you and SS are careful round each other than uncaring, worth a shot, at least having a good relationship with his wife will help visits be more fun.

Honestly, I'm going with my plan A. I am not in the "careful" camp on this, I tend to agree with those who think it was a deliberate and rather nasty omission.
We don't see them enough for me to suddenly morph into hands on Step Gran and I'd just feel that I was making all the effort and almost trying to buy my way in via the twins. It's clear that they are spending much more time with the other "grands" anyway. If they dislike me enough to try to hurt me like this they can do one frankly.
I suppose that one advantage of the fact that the relationship has always been more friendly than mothering is that longer-term I'm not feeling that hurt. It was upsetting this Xmas, for a couple of days, but I'm over it and going forward they are just another couple that I happen to know and don't spend much time with. I tend to steer clear of people who bring me down and bring negativity into life. As for the babies I'm sure I'll get chances to interact with them when they do visit...

I'm going to stick with telling DH to leave it be as well, because I can see how him doing anything else could go spectacularly wrong.

Next year their personal presents will be smaller and from "Dad" and only grand kids get presents from both of us.

You are absolutely correct and dealing with this in the right way OP. It is possible that he is sending you a message as to your place in his life and by default, your place in his children's lives.

Incredibly hurtful way to treat anyone.

Thank you all. I probably won't post again on this because I feel OK about this going forward. You've all been a great help, even some of the early posters who beat me up a bit! I needed to get an outside perspective and make sure I wasn't over-reacting.

If they weren't "family" I'd decide that these aren't really people that I want to put myself out to know better. I've decided to apply the same logic even though they are.

Can I ask, whose handwriting was on the card? SS or SDIL?