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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling hurt

59 replies

regmover · 26/12/2018 18:12

There isn't a backstory of trouble and strife to this one. Today my husband's son came to visit for a couple of hours with his baby twins and wife of 6 months. I was out at work. They were given token presents each and presents for the babies and cards - all from me and my husband.

When I get home I find that they have left some gifts and a card, all from them as a family, and all addressed to either Dad or Grandpa. Nothing for me.
I've known his son since he was 12 years old, he's 25 now. The only time he's given me a Christmas present was for the first couple of years when his mum obviously did the purchasing. Presents - some of them big presents (think deposit on rented flat!) - have always been sent from me and his dad. We've never had a stepmum/son sort of relationship, didn't spend a lot of time together when he came to us at weekends. Nothing antagonistic about that, just that him and his dad had established routines involving being out most weekends on a shared hobby. Always been perfectly amiable. He has a loving mum and dad. Re lack of Xmas presents I just kept putting it down to him being rather thoughtless.
This time though I guess it's time for me to decide that it's deliberate? Just quietly back off and leave them to it? My husband can't understand why I'm upset about not getting a little present, I'm trying to explain that it just feels deliberately hurtful and unkind. To come to my home, leave several presents and nothing, not even a bunch of flowers, for me. It's rude and rather mean isn't it? Can anyone even imagine him and his wife having a conversation where she says "What about something for Reg?" and he says... what??

Sorry it's long. Regardless of replies I feel better for getting it out of my system!

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 27/12/2018 14:36

He would have a right cheek to ask you to babysit after this. I think he should have got you a token present, even a box of chocs only costs a few quid. He’s an arse and I’d be hurt too. Dies he get you a birthday card or gift?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2018 14:57

Agree totally with AnyFucker, I'd follow her advice.

Conversely, I couldn't disagree more with MMmom who sounds as if she hasn't read your posts, regmover.

It's mean of him, his mother isn't like that, was never like that according to you - this is on him. Little shit.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 15:03

I could understand a young man forgetting to buy a present, but to not put your name on the card? That's really horrible. I would withdraw from the relationship now and let your husband get on with it.

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 15:27

On the first page someone said "Things may change with the birth of the babies. Will you take an active grandmotherly role, baby-sitting?, sleepovers? Or will things continue as before?"
Which is why I mentioned babysitting. I can't see that happening because I think I'd really feel used then. If my DH wants to then that's fine, and if I'm there I'm there, if I'm not I'm not (I do quite a lot of evenings and work most weekends).

I think the relationship is non-existent really, it's just taken me far too long to admit it to myself. Like some posters here I've been kind of making excuses for him, but he's an adult and has been for years. He knows he's being a bit of a shit. And no, he doesn't ever do anything about my birthday. I'm pretty confident that I haven't done anything to deserve this, it's just how it is for whatever unknown reason.
I guess future presents will still be from "us" because we share finances (and for the last couple of years when my DH hasn't been 100% well I've put more in than him). So I'm blowed if my contribution isn't going to be acknowledged, even if that is just on the label on the parcel!

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 27/12/2018 15:35

When do you expect to see/hear from him again?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2018 15:35

I'm also surprised that your husband hasn't pulled his son up on this. I imagine you would have if the boot would have been on the other foot.

ShesABelter · 27/12/2018 15:35

Thats a horrible thing to of done it really is. Very hurtful and an obvious snub not to of put your name on the card.

bethy15 · 27/12/2018 15:41

Wow, this is awful from your SS, and quite awful from your DH to not realise or see how he has treated you.

It makes zero sense not writing a known couple out in a card even if you have a stronger friendship with one, or you know them more as family. He has known you with his father for many years, he writes a card from all of his family, but doesn't include you. That's really not on, and he's clearly very passive aggressive towards you.

Looking back, is it the same every year since he's been an adult? Does he always leave you out of cards? It seems he has a huge issue with you, but instead of saying anything, he's being overtly passive aggressive.

He doesn't seem like a very nice young man.

What an awful way to treat you, especially as you have helped contribute to his life and what he has now.

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 15:43

They'll turn up whenever, there is no routine to the visits. I think my husband has got why I'm upset now and was going to say something. However I've given him strict instructions not to. The DIL can be a very prickly character and I don't want to spoil anything for my DH, he's so proud of the twins. These things can so easily get out of hand. When I think about it I am very hurt about this as we speak now, but if they don't want a relationship with me that's fine. I think I'll just be there supportively but that will be it, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2018 15:48

It's a really crappy situation for you, regmover and, as you say, poking this with a stick could make things awkward. You're a better woman than I am because I'd be politely disinterested in DS/DIL; wouldn't extend that to the children but those two would be moved (in my head) to the outer circle and I wouldn't actively do anything for them. I'd tell my husband why too.

I hope, if nothing else, that you feel a bit validated with your thread responses.

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 15:50

Lyingwitch, I meant supportively for my husband, and maybe in the future some sort of relationship with the little ones. I'm not a better woman than you because those two are already moved in my head to an outer circle of people I'm just on nodding terms with!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2018 15:53

I still think you're a better woman than I am, regmover because I'd be keeping a trifle in the fridge ready to upend over your D'S's head.

Rude and hurtful. You're very gracious.

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 15:55

Now there's an idea...!
I did feel a bit bashed on page 1, sometimes people just don't believe what posters say here, but yes thanks to everyone, I do feel that I'm not being unreasonable about this now.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 27/12/2018 15:56

Your SS's and husband's behaviour is very hurtful reg and you are very measured in response. I think if your H says something that will be used by the SS and GF as an excuse to formalise the no contact and to behave even more negatively towards you
Fuck really knows what's wrong with thrm but you sound lovely.

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 15:59

My husband has been fine about it. Initially he kind of didn't understand and thought it was about no present, but I think his first instinct was protective of his son. He's made it clear now that he does understand and it's only me stopping him saying something. I don't want him to lose contact with his grandchildren, who are very cute I have to say.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2018 16:01

Fuck really knows what's wrong with thrm but you sound lovely +1

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 16:24

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 27/12/2018 16:53

So I have this from my stepkids and I guess my DP does from mine (I’ll have to address that now I’m thinking about it).

5 + years together, she’s got one in their early 20’s, one late teen, one early teen. I don’t get cards or even a token present from them for BDs or Christmas. That’s despite the youngest one living with us (my salary pays the mortgage) and the older two having lived with us until recently.

I put a chunk of money down for a deposit (got no thanks for that), helped the older one move and always buy presents etc, although tbf they may think their Mum gets them.

Yeah... now I’ve written all that out I’m starting to feel a bit resentful lol. YANBU at all OP.

IsThisSeeSawTaken · 27/12/2018 17:51

@regmover I feel sad and hurt reading this from the outside, it must be much worse for you :( you’ve been patient and gracious and very generous in stopping DH from mentioning it, but you are right in thinking that these things easily get out of hand and cause strife that will be more annoying to you than if you’d just let it slide. For the greater good and peace in the family, I think this is the smart move for now. What pisses me off is that a token gift would have been such a cheap and easy thing to prepare, and it costs nothing to include you on the card!!!

@changedname3456 wow your situation sounds even worse. It’s poor form not to acknowledge someone who has been in their life for years and actively contributed to their growth. I am sure you and OP are loved plenty by those around you, and hope you’ve had very good festive holidays other than this!

GourmetGold · 27/12/2018 18:06

@regmover, so sorry, your stepson's behaviour towards you is downright nasty!!
I'm terrible at standing up for myself & try to avoid confrontation, but even I would lose the plot & have it out with him in this situation!!

Original poster

regmover · 27/12/2018 19:04

Changedname, that's really shit, people can be awful sometimes can't they?

Bit of a sad thread really. But onwards and upwards, it's the people who enrich our lives who count.
GourmetGold I must admit if I'd been there when the presents were dished out I might have spoken up. Something like "Oh! Have you left mine in the car? What? You haven't got me anything? Better give me those earrings back then DIL..."

OP posts:

Rayn · 27/12/2018 19:08

I would be upset! My children buy my husband (their SF) presents and so thy should. My SKs on the other hand have never acknowledged me until this year at Xmas! Only a box of chocs but it was wonderful and I appreciated it.

bethy15 · 27/12/2018 19:33

I agree with the PP, you sound quite lovely, especially not wanting your husband to mention it, although it's a shitty situation for you, to mention it at all could cause conflict with his son and then his grandchildren, which he may miss out on them being in his life.

For your part though, I would take a step back and if they needed you be busy somewhere else and not able to babysit or lend them money. It seems they may not like you, don't love you or hold you in any regard, but are happy to allow you to buy them a car, or put up the money for their flat.
I'm quite shocked at their manners though, especially the DIL who would have known she was going to your house and to not just get you even a token just seems mean spirited.

MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 20:28

You have been humiliated in your own home and treated as invisible by them. They know what they are doing and it is mean-spirited. I think you should allow your husband to tell his son that their actions are hurtful to both of you. As it is now, the son believes that his insulting you it is okay with your husband. He should set a boundary and insist that they show you the respect you deserve.

MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 23:14

Meant to add another reason that their unfeeling, tacky behavior toward you needs to be nipped now. If allowed to continue, it will surely spill into the next generation. The twins will eventually learn to treat you as their parents do.

Regmover, I really do hope that you give your husband the go-ahead to speak to his son. He needs to remind his son that YOU have been a lovely friend and source of support to him (son) for many years, even helping to buy his car and providing the flat deposit, as well as helping with their gifts each year. Besides, you are his dad’s wife, a family member who deserves respect. I truly hope that this hurtful situation can be resolved.

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