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Relationships

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Original poster

I've met a perfectly nice man who wants the same things I do, but I'd be settling

70 replies

IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 17:58

I've been single for a long time and tbh had given up hope of meeting anyone. I met a man at a party and ended up kissing him.

He's perfectly nice. He's kind, he works hard and he wants a wife and a family. If I went out with him, I could be engaged within 18 months and have a baby.

I want that. I really really do.

I feel so conflicted because he's made it so clear that he's looking for something serious. I don't want to lead him on. The sun doesn't shine out of him and my knees don't feel shaky etc. I'm so tempted because I'm in my early thirties and I feel like I've been single for so long and I've got this chance and I'm throwing it away.

OP posts:

user1499173618 · 26/12/2018 18:00

Stop overthinking. If every time you meet a man you are ticking boxes, the potential for lust and being swept off your feet will be swamped anyway.

Sadik · 26/12/2018 18:03

How much time have you spent with him? TBH if the answer is not much, I'd be inclined to get to know him properly before deciding whether it would be 'settling' or not. I'm not sure shaky knees et al is the foundation for a good relationship, more likely some great sex then a breakup (not that there's anything wrong with that in the right place/right time!)

ElonMask · 26/12/2018 18:04

For god's sake, if you are not attracted to the man do not have his children.

howtobehuman · 26/12/2018 18:05

A good, kind man sounds like a winner to me.

Original poster

IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 18:06

We've been out four times. He texts quite often.

I'm fairly new to adult relationships so I'm finding it hard to get the balance between 'getting to you know' and 'signing up for the longhaul'.

I don't have many boxes- roughly the same age as me, goes to work, is nice person are my categories!

OP posts:

Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2018 18:07

If I went out with him, I could be engaged within 18 months and have a baby.

How long have you known this man for?

Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2018 18:07

You're being ridiculous. You've only been out four times.

Ofchris · 26/12/2018 18:10

What howtobehuman said. A kind, nice man who shares the same life goals? Why don’t you take the pressure off and spend some time getting to know him without thinking where it will go?

Orchiddingme · 26/12/2018 18:14

Do you find him physically attractive? If no, I would ditch now, you cannot put up with having to snog and have sex with someone you basically don't fancy just because you want to have a family.

If he's in the 'not bad' category, then keep dating and see where it goes.

It doesn't sound like you fancy him, though, and I don't personally think life goals are enough to keep you together without some physical attraction, plus he may just be telling you what you want to hear- it's far from clear he's actually offering what you think he is.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 26/12/2018 18:16

Give it 4 months not 4 dates.

snoutandab0ut · 26/12/2018 18:16

If you’ve only been out four times it’s a bit premature to say you’d be married with a baby in 18 months. You could easily break up after 6 months if you did date, or it could fizzle out after a few more dates. Just because you both WANT that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily the right people for each other. As pp said, do you fancy him? If not, it’s a non-starter

Original poster

IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 18:20

I think because he's been so clear about looking for something really serious etc (he already broached next year's summer holiday, children and a few other things) I'm finding it all a bit difficult.

OP posts:

Abouttomakeanerror · 26/12/2018 18:24

You really don't need to decide anything yet.

I always say you can go out with anyone for 3 months by then you know them a bit and can judge compatibility a bit better.

If you like each other, that's plenty for now

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/12/2018 18:27

If I went out with him, I could be engaged within 18 months and have a baby. Which would be a bad idea because you'd still hardly know him. How about dating and seeing where it goes? If you're in it for the long haul then liking and respecting someone and feeling comfortable that you have the same values and are on the same page in terms of what you want is really important. But if there's no chemistry you can't fake it.

createdSane · 26/12/2018 18:31

You've been on four dates. Keep dating but make it clear to him he needs to cut the future talk out because you are four dates in. If he continues then rethink. If he is fab he'll take your lead.

Mookatron · 26/12/2018 18:33

Give it a chance. I was single for ages in my twenties too and there's a possibility you're looking for something that doesn't exist. In my case I had a very chaotic childhood with emotional abuse etc and had a fairytale idea of what a relationship should be along with no example of what a normal one is like. Anyway tmi possibly but give it a chance.

If the sex turns out to be shit, ditch it though. Good sex can see you through an awful lot of tricky times.

Orchiddingme · 26/12/2018 18:35

If he's moving too fast for you, then tell him that. It's really off-putting when someone is planning your whole future, and also quite presumptuous! That said, my husband was like this early on, he just decided I was the right person for him and ploughed on even when we had the 'let's not rush things' chat. I just went my own pace and he had to just go with that. Eventually we ended up in the same place.

I did fancy him though -is that an issue here? If you don't fancy him, plus he's talking serious, then perhaps you should just not date him?

Dan89 · 26/12/2018 18:35

Sounds like this guy being a bit too intense a bit too early is what's put you off?

FleeceDetective · 26/12/2018 18:40

A lot of men say a lot of things they think women (in their 30s with a ticking biological clock especially) want to hear.

I wouldn’t take the words of a man I’d had 4 dates with as gospel, I’d think he was either a player who new how to get women into bed. Or he’s a ‘nice guy’ who’s desperate to find a new mother figure to do his washing/be controlling of as he’s clearly not fussed who fills the role.

Original poster

IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 18:45

I wouldn’t take the words of a man I’d had 4 dates with as gospel, I’d think he was either a player who new how to get women into bed.

This scares me too. I've had so little experience of men but I will not be having sex until I'm 100% ready.

OP posts:

sizzledrizz · 26/12/2018 18:45

I'd see the future talk as a red flag. You don't really know him at all well enough, and h doesn't know you well enough to be making plans so far into the future. I'd be thinking that he's trying to fit me into an image that he a,ready has in his head rather than getting to know me.

graphista · 26/12/2018 18:53

You could be overthinking but he could also be love bombing/future faking.

What's HIS relationship history?

Original poster

IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 18:56

He had a long term girlfriend but they split around two years ago. Doesn't seem to be into OLD.

My head is spinning tbh.

OP posts:

MaggieMuggins · 26/12/2018 20:48

If you've only been on 4 dates and don't have much experience with relationships then take it from me when I say that having conversations about your long term future is not normal after that little time. It's called fast-forwarding, and he is trying to gloss over the crucial getting to know each other stage. Discussing aspirations and short-medium term plans are fine, but slipping straight to marriage and babies is not.

maximumcarnage · 26/12/2018 21:02

I think you might be over thinking all of this a little bit. You’re hardly collecting your pension yet. Plenty of time yet to think about kids and marriage. Foot off the accelerator.

First things first. Get to know this guy a little bit more before you plan a wedding venue it’s good that potentially your both on the same page but here’s zero rush here. Get to know him a bit first. Worry about that stuff later. Don’t over think it. Just enjoy each other’s company for a bit. Have a glass of wine. Merlot. Maybe a nice Rioja. Maybe tackle that cheese board in the fridge. Hrm. May actually be talking about myself now.

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