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Original poster

I've met a perfectly nice man who wants the same things I do, but I'd be settling

70 replies

IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 17:58

I've been single for a long time and tbh had given up hope of meeting anyone. I met a man at a party and ended up kissing him.

He's perfectly nice. He's kind, he works hard and he wants a wife and a family. If I went out with him, I could be engaged within 18 months and have a baby.

I want that. I really really do.

I feel so conflicted because he's made it so clear that he's looking for something serious. I don't want to lead him on. The sun doesn't shine out of him and my knees don't feel shaky etc. I'm so tempted because I'm in my early thirties and I feel like I've been single for so long and I've got this chance and I'm throwing it away.

OP posts:
tootruetoyou · 26/12/2018 21:05

Doesn't this forum teach us that there aren't any guarantees however a relationship starts? You can be deeply in love with someone and fancy them rotten and it can still go tits up. I think it's all a bit of a lottery. For all you know you might be infertile - or he is. Don't mean to sound harsh but you cannot predict what lies ahead. Like the others are saying, you don't need to sign your life away now. Take time to get to know him better and see how you feel. There's no decision to be made at this point.

Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 26/12/2018 21:08

4 dates? You can’t know that someone is a good option after 4 dates.

Justaboy · 26/12/2018 21:13

Suppose some people have that instant attraction that well works for them but as this dating /relationship thing is a non linear thang take your time and see how it goes!.

Hope it does work for you though you seem a nice decent person:)

Original poster
IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 21:13

Oh god I'm so confused.

I'm not leading him on if I go out with him again, am I?

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 26/12/2018 21:18

Don’t be silly. Course you’re not leading him on. You’re dating. An opportunity to get to know each other better. It’s not a form filling exercise. It’s supposed to be fun. You’re supposed to enjoy it. What do you do when you meet up? Discuss baby names and where you’re going to retire together? Xmas Confused

WallisFrizz · 26/12/2018 21:18

Of course you’re not leading him on. Finding out whether someone has long term potential is the point of dating. It doesn’t have to be all fireworks and trembly legs but you at least have to look forward to seeing him at this stage.

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2018 21:22

Hmm. Where to start?!

Firstly, he's coming on too strong. You can't possibly decide whether you want to be with someone forever in the course of a few dates. It's more sensible to take some time to get to know each other with the pressure off. And if that's what you want you should tell him. Tell him you want all that stuff too (marriage, children etc) but you don't want to rush into it - so could he cool it with focusing on all that stuff and just give it time for those discussions to happen more gradually?

Secondly, do you fancy him? It sounds as if you haven't had sex yet - but does the thought of sex with him turn you on?

You shouldn't settle for a guy you're not attracted to, so if you're not excited about the idea of having sex with him, or you do have sex and it's awful, then I would end it.

But if you're enjoying his company I think you could keep dating him as long as you make it clear that you don't want to move too fast.

Being this intense so soon is a red flag btw.

If you're in your early 30s you do still have some time.

Ideally I think you'd date for a while then live together for at least a year before making a big commitment like marriage or an even bigger commitment like children.

Original poster
IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 21:30

I'm not not enjoying his company. I find it quite easy to chat to him although it's easier when I've had a drink. I was a teenager the last time I kissed anyone so again it's more a case of it being not as bad as I thought Confused

Right now I do not want to have sex, but that's with anyone. I would need to know him very well.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 26/12/2018 21:42

Are there underlying reasons as to why you haven't kissed anyone since you were a teenager and why you're not particularly interested in sex?

Have you had negative experiences or do you just have a naturally low sex drive?

I am just wondering if there is something that has been consciously or subconsciously holding you back when it comes to relationships.

But if you don't even enjoy his company then you definitely shouldn't go on another date with him.

Original poster
IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 21:49

No, no negative experiences. I'm just a bit shy and awkward. I always thought it would just happen- but it didn't- and then I got caught in a cycle of holding back because I had no experience, which obviously didn't give me any more experience.

OP posts:
Butteredghost · 26/12/2018 21:49

Personally I take a while to get to know someone, and I don't fancy them until I know them pretty well. So "weak knees" after 4 dates wouldn't happen. I'm not a love at first sight person. Maybe you are the same. If your expectation is that one or two dates will sweep you off your feet, I think that's unrealistic.

You are overthinking it.

Silkei · 26/12/2018 21:57

My viewpoint will probably be unpopular. You have a limited window of time if you want to get married and have kids. If this guy is willing to sign up for that and you get on ok with him then I’d go for it. Once kids come along you’ll basically be playing pass the parcel anyway, taking turns babysitting and doing mounds of laundry and cleaning, and never relaxing together. I haven’t even slept in the same bed as my DH for the last six months because my baby wakes up during the night to feed and DH needs to be well rested for work. If one of us goes out the other has to stay home with the baby.

The question you should be asking yourself is: Would he be a good father? Is he healthy, reliable, hard working, interested in having kids and spending time with them? Because once kids come along your main concern is having them provided for and well looked after. Your own happiness takes a back seat. If you’re truly unhappy then you can divorce him later and you’ll still have kids before it’s too late and a great father to look after them.

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2018 22:10

Those points about parenting are true but it's only bearable because of our relationship history, we have a very strong bond because of all the great stuff that came first. It's a bit sad to say that you might as well settle because once you have children you won't spend much with them anyway Sad And it's unfair on the children to PLAN on divorce. Obviously it is often the best thing for the parents and children but that's not the same as knowing you're going to divorce before you even have them.

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2018 22:11

spend much time with them (them = partner)

letsdolunch321 · 26/12/2018 22:17

Take it a date at a time. There is no rush for you to have sex. Where did you meet him?

Silkei · 26/12/2018 22:19

It's a bit sad to say that you might as well settle because once you have children you won't spend much with them anyway

True unfortunately though. Unless you can afford nannies and babysitters you will be tag-teaming childcare and chores so will basically never see each other.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 26/12/2018 22:20

Gut feeling is? Do you cringe. Early 30s. Bah. Plenty of time.

PenelopeFlintstone · 26/12/2018 22:23

How's the conversation? Does he make you laugh?

Tilliiii · 26/12/2018 22:24

I'd be wary of him suggesting things like holidays so far in the future. He may be in lust/love with you at the moment but in four months he may well have lost interest anyway.

Orchiddingme · 26/12/2018 22:24

Unless you can afford nannies and babysitters you will be tag-teaming childcare and chores so will basically never see each other

This may be true for a year or so with a small baby, but not really after that. I spend a lot of time with my husband. The tiny baby years aren't that long, they just feel it when you are in them!

AnaViaSalamanca · 26/12/2018 22:25

you can have a baby within 18 months? I do hope no fertility issues but basically you are willing to TTC with someone you know less than a year. Wow. Just wow.

tootruetoyou · 26/12/2018 22:32

Agree with silkei - children change everything. Great if your relationship survives but for most it is very challenging. So, if children are the most important thing to you then prioritise that and accept whatever you end up with in terms of a relationship. Yes, some of us are lucky but most people don't get everything they want so you need to know what your deal breakers are. Still think it's too early for any of this. Just get to know him better.

Thankssomuch · 26/12/2018 22:39

OP. Don’t be daft.

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2018 22:39

"True unfortunately though. Unless you can afford nannies and babysitters you will be tag-teaming childcare and chores so will basically never see each other."

You're being ridiculous.

I have a toddler, btw. DH and I don't have as much quality time together as we'd like, but we do enjoy each other's company when we have it! And this stage is relatively short.

Choosing the father of your child(ren) is a fucking important decision, he has to be someone you believe will be a good father, someone you love or at least like A LOT so that if your children end up like him (by nature and/or nurture) you will love and like them too!

Saying "oh well who cares if he's boring I won't see him much anyway..." Confused UGH

When you're mostly stuck at home with a baby/toddler/young child, he will be your main or only source of adult company! It had better be bloody good company to start with before stress and sleep deprivation kick in!

Original poster
IWantToBeLizzyNotCharlotte · 26/12/2018 22:41

No, if I am to have children I want a family.

It's so bloody hard. All of my friends are engaged or in serious relationships and I haven't a clue how to go about that. I am just so scared I will miss my chance.

OP posts: