Christmas ruined by IL's

[WeakAsIAm]

Sorry long story so bear with me.

Horrible 3 years; FIL died suddenly left MIL, BIL & DH.

DH extended family behaved inexcusably around funeral towards DH & me; we begged MIL & BIL to support us they did eventually and we don't have any contact with extended family.

DH became v depressed, I grew closer to OM, I'm not proud but trying to set scene for IL's. All came out earlier in year DH & me decided we would stay and work things out.
Relations between MIL & me are icy at best; accepted as how I behaved to her son.

None the less I personally invited her to Xmas as an olive branch, she accepted.

Xmas eve night DH visits MIL I wait at home with DC, not put out milk & biscuits DC wanting family hot chocolate etc.

DH returns home; face covered in blood looking an absolute mess!!! Won't tell me what happened just that he & BIL have fought.

MIL on phone demanding DH returns to her house to sort out as "he cannot leave her like this". DH refuses but also refuses to go to A&E.

Eventually DH speaks to BIL and they agree to bury hatchet??????

DH later admits MIL & BIL had gone on a tirade about me, why he has stayed I'm such a horrible person etc etc. DH defended me and BIL & MIL attacked him.

Xmas day quiet; MIL came for an hour in morning ignoring husbands black closed swollen eye, strangle marks on neck bruised ribs; they have done a real number in him.

DH spends most day on high strength pain killers and sleeping a lot. He tried really hard to be there for main bits but looked in a lot of pain.

This morning DH says he got blurred vision still in immense pain and finally decides to go to A&E. I've stayed at home with DC.

So here's my question, I think we should go NC with IL's following this, don't want them anywhere near DC after their behaviour.

DH will not agree to this, so it will need to be a me or them ultimatum. I don't think we can get past this and stay together if his family are so against us.

AIBU ? Should I accept I am at fault for at least some of this, or am I right that assaulting DH is never acceptable and they are not fit to have access to DC?

Never acceptable. I hope he’s ok.

Your actions of having an affair are one terrible thing to deal with.

You do has not got into a physical fight with his brother over his choices in his life

Two separate matters but interlinked due to the cause of the fight

But really his family not supporting him in his choices is hard for him, why should he cut them out? You need to probably do a lot more to try and build bridges not go NC

Your MIL assaulted her own son? Good god I’d never have anything to do with her again and same for BIL and I’m the most forgiving person there is. That’s appalling - no excuse.
Whatever is going on in your marriage, whatever choices you and your DH have made to put the past behind you, are your choices, they are up to you and have zero to do with your IL’s.
Bad enough that your BIL assaulted his brother but I am gobsmacked that a mother could also attack her own son. Your poor DH - I hope he’s okay.

I can understand you feel very strongly about this, but they are DHs children too and if he wants the children to have a relationship with his family that’s his choice. Also he seems very keen both to stay with you and to bury the hatchet with your family, which seems like a very mature and forgiving thing all round. Personally I would suck it up, at least for now. And never ever use the children as a weapon.

Good grief, that is appalling! Never acceptable. BIL and MIL - they sound lovely....

A me or them ultimatum, really? Clearly BIL‘s (and probably MIL‘s) behaviour towards your DH was unacceptable, but if DH does not feel the need to cut contact, I can‘t see you are in a position to demand it. Fact is, if DH were not the forgiving type, your marriage would be over.

Ivy yes I think I'm so upset that they do not seem bothered by their actions. MIL sat around chatting like it was normal for her son face to look an absolute mess. No apology for him either
Purple. Yes I think DH will take the DC to his family despite my opinions I just want him to realise they don't have the right to do what they did and he shouldn't want to have contact with them

So in the last 3 year's his dad died, his extended family were awful to you both (I would love to know what this means), he became depressed, which you used as an excuse to have an affair, relations between you and his family are difficult because of this, he is trying to love past it, he is then attacked by his mother and brother for defending you....

And you are going to give him a me or them ultimatatum? Fucking really?

You are all bang out of order.

I hope he’s okay.
Let the dust settle and then discuss calmly the best way going forward.
You are both trying to protect each other, so remember that.

I was hoping this might be a plot line for eastenders.

I wouldn't be defending your honour.
Give him the ultimatum. Hope he chooses his family.

You need to thank him for supporting you and sticking up for you and then you support him in his choice to maintain a relationship with his family.
Poor guy.

Notaclue. Yes I see what you are saying, think I'm scared the affair nearly broke us, it will if we're not allowed to move past it.
I think he will pick them and maybe I'd prefer it to be sooner rather than later if I'm honest.
The issue around his father death would be outing if I described it.
This whole thread is so unbelievably bad it probably is outing, but let's say the extended family made up terrible lies around DH & my reasons for supporting FIL during his end of life care.

So alot of his problems with his family revolve around you?

These are seperate issues. Honestly op, if you wanna leave him. Leave him. Don't put him in the shit place of making that decision for you. You cheated and you are forcing him into a shitty position again. You don't seem to really worry about his emotional state.

His family were wrong. But I would really like to hear their point of view on this. I imagine his family didn't just comment on your cheating. But also the situation with the dad.

Your actions have had repercussions so yes you do have some responsibility , saying that you and your dh have sorted things out it's your relationship and your ils should except that . It's outrageous that they have decided at Christmas to have a go to him about you and to attack him .
I'd let the dust settle for now and maybe discuss with dh in a few days . At the very least the ils owe dh a huge apology. It's up to your dh what he wants to do remember he's the victim here not you . I would let him decide what he wants to do as if you push him to nc that will be another thing they will blame you for .
I do wish you luck and hope you and your dh sort things out and your dh sorts things out with his brother and mum in time .

What Notaclue said. If I were DH I‘d take the kids and flee to some secluded, rural place in South America, in order to escape this battle of the Egos.

Thanks MN for your wise words an also not flaming me too much for the affair.
I'll let the dust settle and try to make sure the remaining bits of Xmas are nice. Then let him decide what he wants to do in his own good time.

Whatever happens in your marriage is your business. Not theirs. Def not acceptable to attack your husband because they think they are entitled to voice their thoughts. Hope today is a better day.

I feel so sorry for your husband. His Dad died, You had an affair and his mum and brother violently assaulted him. I hope you nuture him and show him lots of love, because he needs it right now.

There is no way i’d let violent people near my children. I stopped FIL being alone with my kids because he shouted at them too much - they are now only in his house if I’m there too - no way would I allow violent people capable of such assault around my children. Personally I’d want to call the police if two people beat my husband up (strangle marks on his neck?! These are not people I’d want in my life) but I guess it being family makes it more complicated.

Your DH is at the centre of this.
If your relationship is to survive the fulcrum will be how much empathy and support he gets from you after a truly terrible year.

He tried to defend you.

He is stuck between two string parties trying to control how he reacts to events.

You had an affair, his family hits him.

If he avoids his family it needs to be because of the way they treat him.

Same with his relationship with you.

Put your energy into listening to him, really listening, about everything, not telling him how to react to how others behave.

I do hope it works out for you.

Taking all of it out of the equation, not a hope in hell my kids would be around people who assaulted/condone assaulting their dad. Ever.

The ins and outs of the affair, the horrible treatment of you and your DH really pale into insignificance with how badly he was assaulted. That’s horrific, truly horrific.

Whatever the consequences I would be ensuring that my children had no influence in their lives from scum like that.

How is your DH today?

Your poor DH

He sounds like he's caught between a rock and a hard place. He's had a terrible few years - dad dying, family being shit, depression, wife cheating - and now he's been physically assaulted by his mother and brother while defending his decision to stay with you.

In all honesty OP I would encourage your DH, once he's recovered from his injuries, to go and seek some counselling in the new year. He has a hell of lot going on in life, most of it really upsetting and confusing. You should not be pressurising him into making big decisions (like going NC with his family), as I honestly don't feel it's your place to do that. You should encourage him to come to his own decisions, with your support, once he's had time to process all that has happened.

P. S. You are justified in keeping your kids away from two people who think physical assault is acceptable. I would do the same.

This is terrible. I'd hate my sister in law if you had an affair on my brother after just loosing our dad (or any other time)
No excuse for fighting. I'd imagine your husband took first swing to brother for saying mean things about you and the brother was the stronger fighter.

I can get the affair you had hurt him more than the fight.
You should go no contact with them. But you have to remember they love your dh and they trying to protect him even if in a very messed up way. It's easy for your husband to forgive you and forget but it's not that easy for dhs family to forget.