Christmas ruined by IL's

[WeakAsIAm]

Sorry long story so bear with me.

Horrible 3 years; FIL died suddenly left MIL, BIL & DH.

DH extended family behaved inexcusably around funeral towards DH & me; we begged MIL & BIL to support us they did eventually and we don't have any contact with extended family.

DH became v depressed, I grew closer to OM, I'm not proud but trying to set scene for IL's. All came out earlier in year DH & me decided we would stay and work things out.
Relations between MIL & me are icy at best; accepted as how I behaved to her son.

None the less I personally invited her to Xmas as an olive branch, she accepted.

Xmas eve night DH visits MIL I wait at home with DC, not put out milk & biscuits DC wanting family hot chocolate etc.

DH returns home; face covered in blood looking an absolute mess!!! Won't tell me what happened just that he & BIL have fought.

MIL on phone demanding DH returns to her house to sort out as "he cannot leave her like this". DH refuses but also refuses to go to A&E.

Eventually DH speaks to BIL and they agree to bury hatchet??????

DH later admits MIL & BIL had gone on a tirade about me, why he has stayed I'm such a horrible person etc etc. DH defended me and BIL & MIL attacked him.

Xmas day quiet; MIL came for an hour in morning ignoring husbands black closed swollen eye, strangle marks on neck bruised ribs; they have done a real number in him.

DH spends most day on high strength pain killers and sleeping a lot. He tried really hard to be there for main bits but looked in a lot of pain.

This morning DH says he got blurred vision still in immense pain and finally decides to go to A&E. I've stayed at home with DC.

So here's my question, I think we should go NC with IL's following this, don't want them anywhere near DC after their behaviour.

DH will not agree to this, so it will need to be a me or them ultimatum. I don't think we can get past this and stay together if his family are so against us.

AIBU ? Should I accept I am at fault for at least some of this, or am I right that assaulting DH is never acceptable and they are not fit to have access to DC?

So in the last 3 year's his dad died, his extended family were awful to you both (I would love to know what this means), he became depressed, which you used as an excuse to have an affair, relations between you and his family are difficult because of this, he is trying to move past it, he is then attacked by his mother and brother for defending you....
*
And you are going to give him a me or them ultimatatum? Fucking really?

You are all bang out of order.*

Yup. This.

OP - you take the biscuit

Wow OP! Your dh is not the one who has done anything wrong here. You sound difficult, your mil doesn't sound great and bil sounds worse.

Gina2012 has said what I think.

Wow, so many separate issues here. Yet each issue likely feeding another.

Your hubby has a lot on his plate right now. A LOT.

Losing a father, being attacked by his family, depression, his wife having an affair - any one of these things in isolation would have a hugely negative impact on his well-being but all 4 coming at once could be cataclysmic stress and pressure for someone.

And then you decide an ultimatum would help.

What he needs right now is support, not more pressure and being ‘offered’ difficult or impossible choices - which, frankly, you’re not really in a position to offer anyway.

Fundamentally I agree with your stance that the ILs - clearly capable of physical assault on nearest and dearest - should probably be distanced from your DC. But this is not the way to go about it, for your hubbys sake. He needs to make that decision for himself and not because he’s forced into a corner, otherwise it may be something else that he will resent you for in the long run.

Id try to keep my kids away from such violent and unstable people. That said now is not the time for an ultimatum.

Your poor dh. He sounds like he has had the most horrendous few years. Honestly, I think if I were you I would make it clear that you support him in whatever he thinks is best even if you don't agree. Don't make things harder for him with a me or them ultimatum. If he wants to go nc, he needs to decide or he will resent you.

This sounds like an episode of shameless.

The violence is unacceptable in my view. What kind of people are they.

Not sure if I've properly understood. Are you saying that your MiL beat up your DH, or that he had a fight with Bi L whilst in her house? Because if it was the latter, I can't comprehend why you were expecting the apology from her.
I very much doubt that she was physically involved, in fact I bet she's really shaken by all this . Poor woman, it must be awful seeing your son's fight like that, and she's vulnerable anyway.
Don't make a bad situation worse ..
DH needs to be the one to make the choices here, and he doesn't have to make permanent decision s either.
How are you supporting him through all this?

Your poor dh. He has nobody he can turn to and trust 100%, imagine how that must feel?
If I was him I think I would be getting my ducks in a row, planning a future where I can spend time with my children , find stability and happiness and concentrate on myself.

Did you know they were like this before marrying into that chav family?

This is why I wonder what their point of view is.

The fight could have happened lots of ways. OP wasn't there or objective enough to comment.

Mil and bil telling dh a few home truths about his wife and then both attacking him for defending her, when violence hasn't been in the equation before, feels quite odd. Especially since the dh and brother buried the hatchet soon after.

I wonder if it was more of they told him some home truths, more likely involving what ever op has been accused by extended family. This decended into a fist fight with either the dh or the him throwing the first punch, then the dh coming of worse. If dh is willing to bury the hatchet so quick, I imagine he wasn't just attacked.

But then since there is seemingly no one actually providing him support, perhaps he is willing to to just keep hold of people.

I feel so desperately sorry for the dh. But as I said before, I wonder what the in laws version of this is. I mean the whole thing and the op.

What PoisonousSmurf said. Most normal people wouldn't even associate with people like that

Most people wouldn’t have an affair whilst their partner was suffering after losing a parent either though.

Your poor, poor husband. You all sound vile towards him.

It's the children who had no choice I feel most sorry for

I don’t think you’re in any position to be issuing ultimatums. You can decide yourself to have no further contact with ILs but your DH has to decide that for himself.

I feel really sorry for him. Nobody has his back.

You need to thank him for supporting you and sticking up for you and then you support him in his choice to maintain a relationship with his family.
Poor guy.

Yup, this. What a shambles.

I feel you can put a strong case for his family having no contact with your children. Their behaviour is utterly unacceptable. However, his relationship with them is his business. You need a real discussion about this and your marriage in general. Good luck x

I think you need to photo the evidence of abuse and report it if you're worried about your kids being around his family. Otherwise if you are serious about leaving you won't have any evidence of the violence they cause and the danger they are. There'd be a log of the issue then and could be in your favour for divorce and custody. It's your choice but you may need evidence of how they behave in the long run or they may all deny it and it'll be word against word. Good luck

Ok just remember you're not the victim in all this! Your poor dh has had such sh$t thrown at him and you made a situation worse by cheating when you should of been at your dh side . Believe me I understand how awful it is when you've been treated unfairly off batshit in-laws but I chose to grit my teeth and support my dh rather than using it as an excuse to cheat. I certainly wouldn't be issuing ultimatums. Remember you caused this!

I'd also reconsider having my children around such violent people too

I realise this is a huge assumption but I cannot imagine why any mother or brother would attack your DH? Are you certain they didn't have a huge row and then he went out and started trouble with some unsavoury yobs or something? Is he the type to do this?

If it was family, regardless of blood loyalty, I'd be insisting he reports them to Police for assault/GBH

This is an intriguing situation and one that's not easily resolved. OP I get why you are getting grief on this thread. My gut tells me your DH is a lovely guy who deserves better than this.

Yes, absolutly- it has to come from him and he needs to do the NC but it's clear that he's not there yet. Making it an ultimatum is just increasing the poor guys stress. Stop that for his sake OP.

You are entitled to go NC but on your own. Then, support this man if you really and truly love him.

Tell you this, it won't be the first time he's been beaten either. That pair are scum.

Assaulting him is no way of supporting him, respecting his decisions would be.

Having an affair may not be morally wrong, but it's not illegal, if he had them charged for the assault, no court would be interested in your affair as justification.

You did wrong but you admit it, your husband is forgiving you and working on it.

I would be going NC in your shoes, and I would not allow your affair to be used as an excuse to force you to accept appalling behaviour, at the very least you were willing to own up and make amends.

In any case your actions did not cause your in laws to assault him, that is completely on them and there really is no excuse for that.

Please report this to the police, regardless of what your DH says, so there is a record of what happened, maintaining a record may be very important in the future for protecting your DC. Please also let any professionals involved with your children know about these violent family dynamics. As someone who has been assaulted by members of my own family, I cannot emphasise enough how important this is to protect your DC. document everything as much as you can. I'd be very wary about them having contact with you ILs to be honest.

You think it’s your place to give him an ultimatum?! He stood by you when your behaviour was frankly shitty, and you won’t stand by him through something that isn’t even his fault? Nice. His family are awful but you should be supporting him, not looking for excuses to duck away. Again.