Should I end my marriage?

[Whatshouldidointhenewyear]

My DH is lovely. Kind, considerate and caring. After 20 years he’s still my favourite person other than our DC. We’re well off financially and life is easy.

We got together young and I feel that I missed out on dating, sexual experiences etc.

My DH and I don’t have a passionate, exciting relationship. I developed a bit of a crush on a friend, it won’t go anywhere, this isn’t about me leaving for the crush, but the crush has made me realise that I’m unfulfilled in my marriage.

I’ve been completely honest with DH, I’ve told him I think he deserves more too, someone that will be completely 100% invested in him, but he doesn’t want us to end. He tells me he would never want anyone else and he feels separating would be a terrible mistake.

Have you been in this situation? What did you do and was it the right thing.

Part of me feels that I don’t want to look back on my deathbed and wish I’d fully explored my life.

Did you know he wasn't going to buy you a present. Was it an agreement you had? Or did you buy him gifts and then just realise he hasn't got you anything?

Would you be happier single (as in, forever)? That's a much better measure of whether you should leave the relationship. It's really not safe to assume you will meet someone else nice. You may. You may not. All sorts could happen.

But if you would be happier single (and I think the freedom of being single is underrated albeit hard at time) then it's a safer bet.

When its gone, its gone and no amount of ‘date nights’ or seducing your husband are going to change that.
Late 30s is young. Can you imagine growing old with this guy? That could be another 50 years.
People are saying you should stay as the grass is not always greener. That is a negative reason for staying. You should stay because you want to stay, not because you might not find what you are looking for elsewhere.
You’re a long time dead. Sometimes you have to take risks in life.

To me this isn't about gifts at Christmas etc but every day stuff that shows someone is thinking of you and caring for you.

I'll go straight to the sex part, have you tried to address it over the years or just decided now after years of it being crap that you have had enough? Have you spoken to your Dh about it ever?

You should never turn out of a marriage but in, arrange dates with your Dh, why does this stop because you are married? Is this about having male friends or you might like the attention you get from male friends as opposed to female friends.

How old are the children? If you do split, how do you view your living arrangements/sharing custody of the children/finances/selling house etc? Which life do you think you would want?

If you did split what if you children hate your new boyfriend? You aren't single single, you are single with children, you are a package if they are living with you.

Like PP my friend left her okay marriage several years ago. He just didn't light her on fire but they had 2 children, a lovely house and life, were best friends. Fast forward to now, he has a girlfriend who he lives with, the children prefer to be there. She has a boyfriend who has been arrested for domestic violence against her but hey, you've got to make it work to prove a point. The children are stuck in the middle. Social services are involved. It is a mess. And all because she believed that her life should be this amazing instagram life which is just bullshit.

There is a good Mariella Frostup piece on this:
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/nov/04/i-am-happily-married-but-cant-get-someone-i-met-out-of-my-head-mariella-frostrup

Life is not like the movies. Grass is always greener etc...

But also, most men are not very nice (IMHO) once you get to know them properly. If you have a nice bloke why throw it away?

Focus on what you have and not on some fantasy.
Don't self destruct for some fantasy.

I think it's possible to fall in love multiple times in one relationship.It's also fairly normal to dislike them at times. If you never fall back in love with your husband, that is problematic. I think a frank talk or a few of them are on the cards.

To those saying crushes are a sign something is wrong, I think they are pretty common though- I don't know many people who haven't had a crush in their marriage, especially if they meet lots of nice attractive people. Luckily it's in the head and doesn't need to jeopardize the relationship unless it is genuinely distracting you.

I get your frustration and I do think you probably need to feel things can change.

You rarely get everything in life though and to get a bit of passionate sex you might have to pay a pretty high price and so are the children. You might think it worth it- that's something a counsellor could help you sort through.

As for male friends, my experience is that if they are not pre-existing friendships it's pretty hard to make new male friends over university age- it can look like you are coming on to people when you are not. I have some good male colleagues who I enjoy their company but I wouldn't start seeking them out for coffee on their own. This isn't driven by my husband's worries though- bit concerned, do you mean he doesn't 'let' you have these friendships or you are just being conventional in not pursing friendships on a one to one with men in the workplace. The exception is friends through hobbies/as a couple which I know quite a lot of men this way, but I wouldn't seek them out on their own to deepen the friendship like I might with a new female friend.

It's all quite difficult and it does sound like some change or at least discussing change instead of shutting it down is what you need here.

Also, I think after a bereavement is a very hard time. You can feel very alone and separate from the rest of the world and that they don't get you at all.

OP, just to add: I have been where you are.

I gave it all up because "is this as good as it gets"?

XH happily married with three children.

Me- completely alone for 13 years, following on from a number of years with some rackety "relationships", lots of passion and excitement, even more heartache, tears and loneliness.

If I could go back in time, I would 100%. But now I am paying the price for my egotism and short-sightedness, and have been for nearly 20 years. It's a bitter pill to swallow and a hell of a price to pay for fulfilment.

the pool of nice reliable kind interesting men, who are fun without major issues is much smaller than you might think it is

*I don’t know, this thread has made me think that I’m being selfish and unrealistic. I am lucky, I know that, perhaps I need to practice gratitude. Passive-aggressive much?

I've reread the thread and what people are telling you is not to throw the baby out with with the bathwater. Clearly there are things about your marriage you're not happy with but none of them sound especially difficult to fix in themselves.

So with the presents thing, it's not unreasonable at all to be hurt that you didn't get an anniversary card (actually fuck it, a card is crap anyway - a long and successful marriage is an achievement and should be celebrated as such. So do something lovely together). And the value of a Christmas gift is the thought that's gone into it, not how much it cost. You need to spell out that the laziness and lack of consideration upsets you. I assume from your comments that you make an effort with his gifts? Is he appreciative?

Otherwise it sounds like your marriage is in a rut familiar to lots of couples at your stage of life. But it also sounds as though you've presented it to him as "I'm not fulfilled and you have to fix this or I'm off to Shagsville" rather than "OUR marriage is good but it could be better and WE need to work on things TOGETHER to make BOTH OF US happier". Don't let it be your issue - if one of you isn't happy (and has addressed any individual issues - I still think counselling for yourself is a good idea) then the marriage isn't working as it should. Because it's a joint enterprise.

Some really good advice on here
Hope it's given you some food for thought OP

There's nothing wrong with how you feel. And it's not selfish to think of yourself or to want more. If you are unfulfilled, then go and find the thing that will make you fulfilled. You might not find another like your DH but for every crappy man out there, there's a crappy woman. Not taking risks and settling will ultimately result in regret and you may end up doing something hasty. As someone else said the demographic on here is somethimg to consider. Can you see yourself with your husband doing what you currently doing for the next 30 years?

There is no need to stay in a marriage that is ultimately unsatisfactory. Do not forget people give advice that validates their lives too. From what you have shared, I would be looking at my life too and wanting changes.

I suppose the one thing I would be wary if is the loss of your mother. Is it something that is colouring ypur view or is it an impetus to change your life as it is so short.

It's a tricky one. Late 30s is quite young to be feeling that restless. I think the most important thing to consider is whether you would be okay single. You might have a lot of flings but if you didn't meet someone special would you be ok with that or would you be racked with regret about leaving what in retrospect might seem like a pretty good marriage?

Explore if you can find passion with your hubby - leaving him and dating does not guarantee you will fulfil your dreams.

To be fair to the OP’s husband about the lack of anniversary/Xmas cards and gifts, the OP does say up thread that she has told her DH about her feelings so he basically knows that she is thinking of leaving him. If my DH had said such things to me and was thinking of leaving I’m not sure I’d be feeling particularly inclined to have made much of an effort this Xmas. I can even imagine the MN replies if this was reversed, “so your DH tells you he’s thinking of leaving because even though he loves you the sex is boring and he’s worried about missing out, and now he’s sulking because you didn’t get him an Xmas gift? What a man child. If he wants to be treated nicely by you then he has to show you some respect” etc etc.

Sorry if this sounds harsh OP but I’m trying to see it from his perspective too. He has really put himself out there by having to listen to your dissatisfactions and then basically ask you not to leave him. There will inevitably now be a certain amount of self preservation going on on his part. He is probably not going to suddenly throw himself into ‘proving’ how much he loves you - it would be a bit of a drain on his self esteem. Instead you have to tell him you have decided to stay because you want to make it work but you need to do A, B and C and he needs to do X, Y and Z to work towards it. Work out what those things are and ask him for them explicitly (eg. I need to feel special and I appreciate when you buy me cards and gifts. Please can we make an effort for each other this way for Valentine’s Day in Feb).

Go to counseling and give it 6 months to a year. This imo is all about your mothers death and not your husband.

I would just like to add any future ltr is quite likely to involve step children and step parents. And that is no walk in the park either for all involved.

I was in a similar place, OP. My brother died, and then a couple of years later I was where you are now - stifled and living with a man I cared for, but didn't fancy at all.

I got divorced. Fell straight into an abusive relationship, and am now on my own - but I have never been happier. Ex husband has remarried, and they are happy. So we are ALL better off for it ending.

If he were serious about wanting to save the marriage, he'd go to counselling too.

And I agree, this IS partly about your mother's death - sometimes it takes the death of someone close to you to wake you up to the fact that time is finite, and staying in a dead marriage isn't doing anyone any favours.

Grass is not greener...

I would argue that the moment you start looking for anything at all beyond the confines of what your marriage provides you, it’s probably over already.
^ this is total bullshit... everyone feels like this