Should I end my marriage?

[Whatshouldidointhenewyear]

My DH is lovely. Kind, considerate and caring. After 20 years he’s still my favourite person other than our DC. We’re well off financially and life is easy.

We got together young and I feel that I missed out on dating, sexual experiences etc.

My DH and I don’t have a passionate, exciting relationship. I developed a bit of a crush on a friend, it won’t go anywhere, this isn’t about me leaving for the crush, but the crush has made me realise that I’m unfulfilled in my marriage.

I’ve been completely honest with DH, I’ve told him I think he deserves more too, someone that will be completely 100% invested in him, but he doesn’t want us to end. He tells me he would never want anyone else and he feels separating would be a terrible mistake.

Have you been in this situation? What did you do and was it the right thing.

Part of me feels that I don’t want to look back on my deathbed and wish I’d fully explored my life.

Hate so it but I think some of it could be your hormones!!! Biological last chance saloon to pro-create...

What if you don’t fall madly in love with anyone else either? I would say odds are you won’t.

What if you do fall madly in love with someone else and they are not a good man like your husband eg they cheat, gamble, don’t work, bad with money, complicated family set up with exes and small children?

I agree with pp that you should invest in another year and see how you feel then.

Try swinging if you're both adventurous enough? You could catch up on all the sexual adventures in no time.

I've been in your position. We went to counselling but ultimately, I wasn't happy and he wouldn't change anything to help resolve that.
It's been 10 months, I'm now in a relationship with someone who was a close friend and supported me through the break up, and I can honestly say I've never been happier.
The pivotal question for me was, do I want to be in this situation in 20 years? He was happy and had the perfect life so had no desire to change anything. But his perfect life was at my expense, and I couldn't carry on like that.

Think on it carefully, go to counselling alone, it'll help you get some clarity on your thoughts as imagine you're probably so confused about what to do.

All this talk of “fulfillment” sounds very childish to me. EVERY marriage on earth is a balance of so many factors — looks, attraction, values, goals, family, location, lifestyle, religion.... the list goes on. It sounds like your marriage needs some spicing up but there’s no magic “fulfillment” in a good marriage. I got together with my DH at 20 and it’s been 21 years together — more than half my life. Have there been times when my eyes went astray (eyes only!)? Absolutely. But that’s so fleeting. It’s a cliche but my DH is truly the one who has been with me in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, skinny and fat and all the rest. There is nobody I want and need more than him. The sex can get ho-hum but that’s easily remedied if you care enough to try. I think you need to start thinking about what you really feel is lacking in your marriage rather than some vague notion of “fulfillment.”

So you bail and Lust and Limerence are your new best friends and they slowly diminish and then maybe all the irritating habits about the new somebody start to kick in and you're left thinking wth have I done?! It's a big gamble.

You’re having a mid life crisis and you need to get over it. You sound utterly self absorbed, completely unconcerned about the damage you’d do if you acted on your desires, presumably because you think you are safe in the knowledge that if it isn’t all Sex in the City, husband will welcome you back with open arms.

What you have sounds wonderful, work on improving it. I am not single now and haven’t been for nearly a decade but I dated as a singleton for a few years. Sure I had some great sex, spontaneity etc but there were also crushing lows and the same periods of boredom and dissatisfaction that go with married life.

Don’t underestimate spending your life with your favourite person. They probably won’t be there when you decide you appreciate them again.

You are over thinking life !

f I could take a tablet and be completely, passionately and madly in love with him, I would.

What a load of nonsense ...

This is one of those rare occasions where really you don't have a good enough reason to leave...not yet.

Those things you think you've missed out on you can mostly achieve with your dh.

It's also unfair and unrealistic as pp have said to expect one person to completely fulfil you.

What about your crush drew you in? If you say maybe we can help give you perspective on that.

How old are you? "Late 30's" It's not just men that have mid life wobbles. Approaching 40 can hit women in the ego too! It can make them act just as stupidly, thoughtlessly & selfishly as the arse that dumps his wife & kids for a 20 something gold digger.

"Biological last chance saloon to pro-create..." This too.

When did your mum die? Many reevaluate their lives in grief - but there's a reason experts in bereavement advise not to make major decisions in the immediate aftermath of a loss. And "immediate aftermath" the time of this differs for everyone.

Have you had any counselling? Not couples counselling just for you. You need to reset and focus on what you DO love about your dh and your marriage and a good relationship therapist can help you do that.

The man who's seen you give birth, hungover, throwing up, no make up, unwashed etc and you've seen him that way won't seem as 'novel' or 'exciting' as mr new sex who simply hasn't had that experience of you yet.

I'm 46, I've been single almost 16 years, it suits me... I cannot see it suiting you, you'll lurch from one unsuitable guy to another seeking excitement (which usually comes with narcissistic, abusive, irresponsible...)

As pp I've seen it before, know what usually happens? They end up miserable, regretting their mistake...meanwhile the husband they rejected, who was a good man has been snapped up by someone far more sensible, less immature and more realistic. I've even seen the wives who left trying (pathetically really) to seduce the ex they left away from their new lady or at lest making it look like they have. It's backfired in every case, in one I know so spectacularly that now he's DC won't speak to her.

In short? Grow up, get some therapy, if you want a better relationship you have to put the work in.

You have two options here: the safety of a good relationship with the niggles of never knowing what could be out there, or the uncertainty if you leave and potential confirmation that there is nothing better out there. If you could be happy on your own, then go for it, because you have to be prepared for the possibility that what you have IS actually as good as it gets.

On the other hand, many people do feel they've met their perfect match and are glad they left previous partners. It could go either way. There are no guarantees and I've seen it go both horribly wrong and wonderfully right.

I think in the end it comes down to the type of personality you have. I watched the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona recently and it's all about the contrast between those who want it all, and will keep searching until they find it, and those who will choose stability and certainty. Good luck with whatever you choose x

You sound like you're throwing away your permanent table at a Michelin stared restaurant for a quick McDonalds. I think that ultimately you'll be full of regret if you throw your marriage away.

Do go to counseling - I think he's right that you should go, not to couples yet but alone. You're allowed to want to rekindle dating with your partner again - how about every Friday night is date night? Pick some fun things to do together.

Ask him to join you in getting adventurous in the sack.

Time to grow up OP. This is the real life...not some sort of fantasy.

Gosh, the responses have been eye opening. I do feel it’s about my DH too though, he deserves someone who can love him passionately. Sex is infrequent and mediocre, I want him to have it all too.

Sounds like a mid life crisis that you will ride through.

Leave him. I know several lovely, successful single women who can't find a good man with a job, no addictions and no mental problems. I'll have fixed up in a jiffy.

You will find after you bin him that sane, reliable eligible men your age are as rare as brains in the White House.

The demographics here are wildly unfavorable for you.

Sex is infrequent and mediocre,........

So do something about it then. Don't just trade your DH in for new exciting sex with somebody new.

I’m in the same boat

Sounds like you're having a midlife crisis exacerbated by losing your mother and possibly a hormonal shift. Some counselling for you would be useful to help you unpick things. Don't just throw away a good marriage for the chance of some hotter sex that might never materialise. You don't say how old your children are but I assume they're not tiny - if you're out of that stage it's time to reinvest in your relationship and yourself. Find some things you like to do alone, for yourself (exercise is always a good one) and carve out more time as a couple, including a frank discussion about your sex life and how to revive it.

Go to counselling and talk to someone about how you feel.
I think you would be throwing an awful lot away (and I speak as a long term single parent who would rather be single than in a bad or unfulfilling marriage or indeed cannot imagine being married again).
Counselling would help you work out where these feelings are coming from.

God no stay with him. You simply exchange one bloke for another, long term, if you play the field Like you're thinking. Far better to stay with someone you like. You won't though. The sex drive is massively impactful. It's hormonal

I would work at the marriage. Grass isn't greener. I had a crisis this year and had to fight to save my marriage.

Try to spend quality time with him.

I do feel it’s about my DH too though, he deserves someone who can love him passionately
Self indulgent bollocks. Don't piss all over your marriage and pretend it was for your husband's benefit. Though given the demographics he's much more likely to find someone than you are. How would you feel then?

If you have been on MN for any time at all you must surely have read the countless threads by women who are dating men who are either cheaters, emotional abusers, cocklodgers, lazy, unreliable, etc. How many good men do you think are out there - they are as rare as hens teeth.

Do you really want to swap your DH with one or more of the above?

Hitting 40..... I’ve had a few friends do crazy stuff to shake it up. Whilst I think it’s good to revaluate and try new things trashing a perfectly solid marriage is not one I would suggest. Push yourself in other areas.... friends ...work ....education ....fitness... doing a challenge on your own....

You will spend the rest of your life missing him, feeling guilty and trying to justify your decision. I don't think you should do it. Why would you leave your favourite person? Divorce is devastating. You will cause so much pain. There has to be a better reason to do it.