Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I end my marriage?

95 replies

Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 25/12/2018 20:43

My DH is lovely. Kind, considerate and caring. After 20 years he’s still my favourite person other than our DC. We’re well off financially and life is easy.

We got together young and I feel that I missed out on dating, sexual experiences etc.

My DH and I don’t have a passionate, exciting relationship. I developed a bit of a crush on a friend, it won’t go anywhere, this isn’t about me leaving for the crush, but the crush has made me realise that I’m unfulfilled in my marriage.

I’ve been completely honest with DH, I’ve told him I think he deserves more too, someone that will be completely 100% invested in him, but he doesn’t want us to end. He tells me he would never want anyone else and he feels separating would be a terrible mistake.

Have you been in this situation? What did you do and was it the right thing.

Part of me feels that I don’t want to look back on my deathbed and wish I’d fully explored my life.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 25/12/2018 23:30

On balance it sounds like you will lose a lot and create a lot of pain for not necessarily any gain. I think he should appreciate the depth of your feelings and be more prepared to work with you though.

cafesociety · 25/12/2018 23:30

Christ no! Do you think life is like a fairy story? It isn't all about sex either. Cherish what you have or you will lose it and spend the rest of your life wishing you had never parted. You could walk into all sorts of situations, meet all sorts of awful partners [yes, they may seem wonderful at first]. And end up alone and miserable, or worse. Your day dreaming is you playing a dangerous game and could wreck what you have. You have what hundreds of people wish for.

This is all apart from breaking up a family and the life long impact it will have on your DC. You would have to live with that too.

I know this because it is what I did. But we were having problems, and we didn't know how to solve them, we floundered. I wish I hadn't given up on him. I regret it bitterly. The grass is not always greener. Believe me you are not missing a thing. Don't fall into that trap.

ohhelpohnoitsa · 25/12/2018 23:44

Similar position here to OPs I think, though I have zero intereat in sex in or out of the marriage. Dh evaluating his position as "its a business arrangement with no intimacy". All of you people suggesting counselling - how and where do I access this?

subspace · 25/12/2018 23:52

ohhelpohnoitsa there is a list of links pinned as the first post in this relationships board, have a look there. Or simply Google councillor and your town. X

subspace · 25/12/2018 23:52

Lol sorry, wrong type of counsellor!

sofato5miles · 26/12/2018 00:10

I know one woman who left her awful marriage, against her husband's wishes and he has made her life very difficult. But I know two who left meh marriages , parted amicably and now both are much, much happier. But they were financially sorted.

graphista · 26/12/2018 00:24

"he deserves someone who can love him passionately" that's you trying to justify potentially making a really shitty selfish decision!

Oh and btw YOU are 50% responsible for they "infrequent and mediocre" sex!

There's been a few mentions of the grass is greener phrase -

Well there's a modernisation to the original phrase that's apt here -

the grass is greenest where it's watered most!

"How many good men do you think are out there - they are as rare as hens teeth. " totally agree with this!

Out of all my friends in ltr I'd say I know less than 10 truly good, respectful, non lazy, non sexist men (and 3 of them I think it's because they are/were Lp for at least a few years!) and that's out of over 100 couples!

Orchiddingme · 26/12/2018 00:44

Thing is- after 20 years with this new exciting handsome lover you are going to acquire, is the sex going to be fantastic and frequent...or infrequent and mediocre! Plus this fantasy man is going to be in his 50's at this point.

You have a crush, which is normal. You don't have to collapse everything in for a crush.

You also imagine that you can run off with this lovely shiny new man and your husband will be patiently waiting for you to return. As others have said- this is an unlikely scenario, he may be gutted, even for a year or two, but will then get snapped up quickly and there will be no going back. One of my relatives did this and is still upset the other person moved on, they thought they would hang around missing them indefinitely.

That's not to say everything is ok- clearly you don't think it is. Counselling is a good idea to think aloud what's going on here. Also, there are some books by John Gottman who is a relationship researcher which might help- he warns about the dangers of different types of relationships, and one of these is the companionate marriage, without too much conflict, but with the danger you end up feeling like friends, not lovers- he has some good insights on this and suggestions on ways to change.

You can throw it all in and try to start again- you obviously have a crush and someone in mind, and this is a fun and entertaining fantasy, but most people on here would love to have a partner who is a great friend and one of the best people you have ever met, and the chances of replicating that, coupled with great sex for 20 years probably is a bit unrealistic which is why you've received the answers you have.

ButteryParsnips · 26/12/2018 00:59

You've had kind and thoughtful replies telling you to take a good look at yourself and try hard in your marriage. If you were a male poster, I suspect people would have been much more blunt in saying you were being selfish. Please take the good advice here and don't throw this away.

sprouts21 · 26/12/2018 01:23

All this talk about passion is a bit ridiculous op. Not many people have a mad passionate relationship with their spouse beyond the dating stage.

You need to stay away from this "friend".

sorelieved2 · 26/12/2018 09:08

Finances play a huge part

Original poster
Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 26/12/2018 09:12

Thanks for your responses, they’ve given me lots to think about.

I think, if I’m honest, I shouldn’t have added my crush to the first post, because I wouldn’t consider being with him romantically, he has lots of issues that would make a relationship untenable! I’m not feeling like this because of him as a person, but rather, the feelings I’ve discovered have felt exciting and perhaps reminded me what I think I’m missing. I’d suppose I’d like to feel like that about someone like, if not, my husband.

My DH is lovely, but he gets frustrated that I get lots of male attention and he makes it difficult for me be friends with men so I haven’t really, for quite a long time and therefore, these feelings (about the friend) never happen to me. It has left me wondering.

I can see that I’m being selfish and I can definitely throw myself into the DC and my career instead. I know that I’m lucky, but sometimes I wonder if there’s more to life than stability and financial security. I work really hard and I earn lots more than my DH (about £50,000) and sometimes I feel that’s why my DH is so keen to stay together rather than it being about me.

Anyway, I’m rambling and not making any sense. Thanks for taking the time to reply, much appreciated.

OP posts:
k1233 · 26/12/2018 09:21

What do you feel you are missing out on? We're all responsible for our own happiness. If something is missing what can you do to get it in your current relationship. If it's you want to go yatching and your husband is petrified of water, that won't work. But there's no use complaining something is missing if you haven't worked to incorporate it into your relationship.

category12 · 26/12/2018 09:28

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 26/12/2018 09:29

K, it’s just romance, my recent anniversary didn’t even result in a card. I didn’t have any presents yesterday (he says you can buy yourself anything you want, I don’t want to risk buying you something you won’t like), and I get that logically, I could spend £££ on myself in the sale, but it’s nice to feel that someone feels enough for you that they want to give you something on Christmas Day. I want to know how it feels to experience passion and great sex too.

I don’t know, this thread has made me think that I’m being selfish and unrealistic. I am lucky, I know that, perhaps I need to practice gratitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 26/12/2018 09:30

Thanks Cat. It was very premature and unexpected! It turned my world upside down.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2018 09:36

Flowers I think do some counselling, and if you feel the same after talking it through and taking some time to grieve the loss of your mum, then fuck it, life is too short.

Your dh sounds complacent. Not buying you even a token gift is a bit shit, and not taking your concerns seriously enough to consider relationship counselling is a bit shit too.

user14869556378 · 26/12/2018 09:42

did you get him an anniversary card and Christmas present?

RandomMess · 26/12/2018 09:43

Ah ok now you have spelled out that your DH isn't putting effort into making you feel special and desired. It also sounds that he's a bit controlling or perhaps just insecure?

Those are issues that can be worked on and resolved. It's not unreasonable for you to say to him that he needs to have some counselling with you as he isn't listening.

Presumably £20 spent on something thoughtful like a scarf with a theme applicable to your interests would have been appreciated? He could put effort into arranging "date" nights including sorting childcare?

He does need to work at the marriage otherwise your current dissatisfaction could grow rather than be a blip.

My interpretation is that you have a 70% happy marriage if he listened and put some effort in you could have a 90%+ one - who doesn't want that! You do need to ensure that you are also looking to yourself to make yourself "happy". If you like going out and socialising then do more of it etc.

I do think you need to find some professional support to deal with your Mum's death Thanks

Branleuse · 26/12/2018 09:50

Depends how unhappy you are
Id say all those things are fixable.

What youd likely find is some short term passion and think oh my god this is amazing. He is amazing etc etc, but after a short time, he would be just as fucking annoying as anyone. Probably more so, with far more issues and flaws than your husband.
There is something beautiful about being able to keep passion alive in a long term relationship. Do you honestly think it would be better for you to go out and experience the thrill of a bunch of randomers, while losing the one who loves you and all your flaws, inside and out, who might well then set up home with someone else?

To me it sounds like you need some romantic breaks away. To work on reigniting the fire

Branleuse · 26/12/2018 09:51

Your husband does need to step up and do his part to keep the fire burning

W0rriedMum · 26/12/2018 09:55

I'd be annoyed that DH hadn't bought me a present. It smacks of complacency, along with a refusal to consider counselling.
I'd make it clear that something has to change, you need to treat and cherish each other a bit in 2019.
Weekly date night (I hate the term!), phone calls to say hi during the day, etc. Your relationship is in the resuscitation room and needs attention.
Don't mind the crush - that's your brain saying that you are bored rigid with your DH and need to mix it up.

category12 · 26/12/2018 09:56

Was he supportive when you lost your mum?

5LeafClover · 26/12/2018 10:00

Another vote here for counseling just for you. Your husband doesn't sound like he always treats you like his 'favourite person in the world'. You sound like you mind, but don't want to admit this even to yourself. Wanting to be treated well and as a person that is loved for themselves in your marriage isn't selfish or unrealistic. You definitely deserve that. I hope you are able to find it.

deepwatersolo · 26/12/2018 10:07

What always gets to me is how so many women make ,feeling unfulfilled‘ about men. I temporarily separated from my partner, because I wanted to explore life, and they were a great couple of years, climbing trips, outdoor adventures, a year abroad... it was great. Men were interested but I was not. One guy was so insistent and romantic, though, that even though struggling, I finally fell for him. Oh boy, the couple of months of passion were followed by a rude awakening. That guy had issues I tell you.
After that period, I knew what I wanted and didn‘t want. Luckily my partner wanted me back. (I told him everything, as far as he wanted to know, made a clean slate). The ,new‘ things I really care about (climbing trips with friends, camping...) are still possible in the relationship (some with and some without DP), it has become a part of me I do not want to miss. We decided to have a kid together, too. I think the separation was a necessary period for me to find myself, really. I now know what I am capable of on my own. (Nice as it was having everything fixed for me by DP, it gets you into a dependency that isn‘t healthy for you and your partner).

So, I do understand people who feel they got together too young and want to explore life on their own. Why this desire seems to so often revolve around men, I don‘t get, though.