A happy update....but also some stress today

[Freefalling123]

Backstory here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3060208-I-cant-take-any-more-need-help-to-grow-a-pair-please

My first Christmas ‘alone’ but DC are here with me, yay!

Have extended the lease on my house for another year, I really like it here and the neighbours are lovely. Work is good, DC have adapted well to going between 2 houses (with the odd bit of confusion and frustration from DD!) but all feels good and We have great quality time together. Especially DD and I as DS has now passed his driving test!

XH was a nightmare the first few months, constantly ringing at odd times to check where I was, telling me people were driving past to check I was in (laughable,but I had nothing to hide), and general being pretty shitty at times. But I had escaped and was making my own way in life.

A few weeks ago I noticed that his manner with me had started to change and he was more accepting of the situation. The weekly phone calls to sort out DC arrangements for the following week were getting less stressy.

Then he told me he wanted to let me know ‘he had met someone and it was serious’. I nearly did somersaults around the room. He wanted to tell me as we lived (he still does) in a village, and he knew I was in touch still with friends from there. I asked him not to tell the DC yet until it was more established, but I as I could have predicted, he did anyway, and as also predicted, DD got upset. His reasoning was again because they may have heard from elsewhere. Ok, point made.

I also asked that he doesn’t introduce them yet as it felt very early, and if it really was serious, he could wait. I think he has stuck to that, I haven’t asked.

But I may this morning. I have discovered under the tree (he is coming here for Xmas day for lunch and pressies with the DC, I decided to play the bigger person and invite him), presents to my DC from his new GF with xxx on. This has actually made me feel really shit. If you haven’t met them why buy pressies? Is she trying to buy their affection? Has he bought her DC (and DGC!) pressies?

I’ve also discovered DD is friends with on FB.

I know this is not AIBU, but AIBU to find this a bit upsetting? Could the pressies not have stayed his house for DC? I genuinely don’t give a shit he has met someone, but I feel like she is muscling in on my DC. He’s also started to compromise time with DC for her, which he promised he wouldnt do. I’ve had them the last three weekends running, which don’t get me wrong, I love, but it’s becase he’s been ‘busy’. And because he has a social life and friends and I don’t. His words. He’s right. I dint have many friends at all. I keep myself to myself.

The last thing, to end on a slight laugh, is ‘I’m fine now if you want to go and meet someone else too’. Cheeky f*er!

Sorry for long post. Happy Xmas to all!

Yaaaaaay. So happy for you op. Well done. Well done. Well done. My horrible husband moved out earlier this year and I'm so glad you managed to get rid of him.

Congrats on your new life. Wish you great happiness. Xxx

Thanks floral!

It appears DC have been introduced without me knowing. Feeling a bit shit about that.

He's using the time he could have spent with his dc to run around after his new partner. It's sad he can't see his kids are missing out on what little time they have with their dad. I don't understand how men do that. And it seems to be predominantly men who do this rather than women.

Happy Christmas Freefalling. I'm so glad you ,a aged to get yourself out of that horrible situation and away from your obnoxious ex. Good to hear that the new house is lovely and you are settled at home wi your children for Christmas. As for your ex and his new partner, bet that won't last long given the hell he put you through for years. Have a lovely day and just think of the peace and quiet without him xx

yes her gifts wouldnt need to be in your place, you can tell him that. he is trying to rub into your face.
he is still having sour grapes and doing things intentionally.
if you invite again he will continue doing things like that. keep your distance.

I think you need to (calmly) speak to him to find out whether the DC have met her and mention the FB thing. You have a right to know what’s going on with your kids. Then I would have a chat with your kids about it all, they are probably feeling very confused.

He has been/is being a twat and I think it’s very wrong to rush introduce partners, I also think it’s weird of her to be friends on FB with your DD (personally I would respect boundaries especially at this stage) but there’s no win for you in getting upset/riled by their behaviour - you just need to take deep breaths, be zen, and have a calm controlled conversation about what has happened/what will happen and generally take the high ground. It’s hard but ultimately better for you and the kids.

What have you agreed wrt kids/weekends and do you need to get something more formal in place? Definitely pull him up on that, he can’t be all presents and Facebook but not actually spending time with them.

But try not to let him/them bother you, focus on you, your kids, having a lovely Christmas and your fab future ahead!

Personally I'd pop the presents from GF into a bin bag and leave them outside the back door.

He is testing your boundaries. They can be opened at his house the next time DC visit. And yes of course he has introduced them to his GF, this is part of the pattern for entitled men.

Yeah it's shit and he's done it on purpose.

You don't need to be petty, but you're not dealing with an emotionally healthy normal person - normal rules do not apply.

I feel he's gonna use the GF and kids relationship as another means of controlling you emotionally.

Remember this the next time you think about being 'the bigger person'.

Do everything you can not to let it show and talk to your kids about it regularly and calmly.

Good luck with everything

He’s def testing boundaries.

He had DC Sunday morning and they were due back to me yesterday about 5 - it’s great now DS can drive them between houses - that turned into 12 as he was taking GF to the cemetery to visit his dad’s grave! I listed out that maybe the DC would have been more appropriate to take as it wa their grandad. But no, he took new GF.

I need to set new boundaries and that’s the NY resolution. His view of ‘you don’t go out anyway’ is not an excuse for him not to step up at weekends.

I’ve texted him my thoughts on what I discovered to avoid confrontation today. No reply as yet!

Hmmmm. I think he's testing boundaries but I also suspect she may not be aware of that, so please don't tar her with the same brush yet! For context, I have just met my partner's youngest child (delightful). Elder would like to wait a bit longer so we are, of course, respecting that. DP told their mum about me before telling the kids about me and also told her about proposed first meeting arrangements before suggesting to the kids. She's been fine about it all, I suspect because he had the courtesy to discuss it with her. I gave both kids presents which stayed at his, not at all because I'm trying to buy them, and both rang me to say thank you for them . But my point is this... he could have told me all that was happening but actually kept his ex in the dark and he could have taken my parents to hers etc. I think she is probably doing her best to be nice to them and I think presents for them from her are fine.

TLDR: don't assume she's a cock womble because he is

*my presents. Not my parents. That would be WEIRD

Thanks all

He’s just gone, and I’ve got through it

I know she’s probably inthe dark as to what he’s really like, and it’s nice really she’s bought presents. It just the not being told they had met when he assured me it wouldn’t be for ages. I’m a bit cross with them too tbh for not saying either. I guess perhaps because they knew how I’d feel about it.

Anyway what is done is done. At least while he’s being relatively amenable —and thinking with his cock— I can crack on with getting finances etc agreed, and weekends set in stone. Can’t divorce under 2 years separationuntil I guess December when I signed my tenancy.

Although I could have him for adultery now!

Glad you survived the day.

Good you realise you need to be firmer with your time. Although I imagine your children are older than mine.

Once ex and ow got their place 12 weeks after he left. I told him In was having the kids eow. He didn't think he should. But it was only fair that I too had the opportunity to get my own life and move on.

Stay strong.

Thanks Eve. They’re 17 and 14, so older, but Dd14 is a typical hormonal teen and struggles with it all sometimes.

Petition using adultery now whilst he is being amenable!

@Freefalling123 it is hard. My 12 year old is refusing to go. I'm not sure if talking it through with him has been the right thing. As he is older feel he needs to be listened too and owed a more grown up explanation.

My youngest is 6. So just goes along with it.

Just got to keep trying to do the right thing

Didn’t sleep a wink last night.

The whole introducing her and the presents played on my mind all night.

I should just suck it up and let life go on, but I just feel like he’s been a completely insensitive arse.

Off to my parents today with my Dsis and her family too. At least I have DC with me, he managed 4 hours with them yesterday and doesn’t see them now until Friday. His loss.

@Freefalling123 hope you enjoy your day. Try not to over think things. I know how hard that can be. Don't let me ruin anymore of your time. And enjoy your family today.

Have had a fab (alcoholic!) day, just Home as having a DC who can drive is a massive advantage!

Haven’t given the twat a thought all day.

And am knackered so hopeful of good sleep!

Fingers crossed

UPDATE
Went to the house today as needed to pick up some post, was on my own, no DC as they were back at mine, they’d forgotten to bring post back to me.

There’s a family calendar in the kitchen. His name, DCs name and her name. On it I can see she took DD to the cinema last week before she went back to school, a film we had said we would see last weekend. DD decided last weekend she wasn’t bothered about seeing it after all, I now know why!

Asked DD when I got back, she said she didn’t tell me as she didn’t want to upset me. It was just her and the GF that went. I have assured her I’m not upset (much) but was disappointed she couldn’t tell me. Reassured her I am pleased her dad has a GF, but that I just felt uncomfortable that she went to the cinema with her alone, and didn’t tell me, and lied about not wanting to see the film!

Not sure I dare ask if IABU?!

I’ve just got get on with life and not show I’m bothered. I haven’t messaged XH about it as he’d enjoy that too much.

You need to try and emotionally detach, hard I know.

With DD you just need to be clear to not lie to you about the gf, that you have no issue with it and you are glad that gf makes an effort and is kind.

Try and remember your ex is an ass and don't expect anything from him or you will be disappointed!!!be relieved that the gf is being kind and try to build a relationship with DC rather than actively trying to drive a wedge between your ex and DC.

In the future if you have a DP you won't want your ex having an opinion and interfering.

To use adultery as grounds, I think you have to do so within six months of discovery. If I were you, I'd look into that very soon. Use the information about the new GF to your own advantage.

This both, much appreciated

Agree re if/when I meet someone it should all be open and clear, and that’s partly why I’m not messaging him to tell him how it made me feel.

Re adultery - he told me about GF end of November, I know the exact date! So I have 6 months from then? Apparently he’s been seeing her since June, he told me that today.

Yeah 6 months from Nov when you found out, or you could use "living with another woman" as grounds for unreasonable behaviour.

Are you keeping aa detailed diary of all these little gems from him, like seeing OW since June and changes to child arrangements to accommodate his social life with OW?
If not, start pronto!!

Is there some reason that you're not using his "unreasonable behaviour"?