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I can't take any more....need help to grow a pair please!(108 Posts)
Long term lurker, occasional poster. Lurked so long I should know the answers, but when it's your situation it's not as easy to see wood from trees. This may be long....
Backstory: married in early 20's, now together for 28 years and late 40's. DS16 and DD13. One year into marriage (I was then 22) I had a ONS, and got found out. Far from proud of this, no excuses, but boy 24 years on I am still paying the price.
At the time, we agreed to move on from it, it was a one off, we moved house, then eventually to this 'dream' house and had the DC.
Last 3 years have been awful. FIL died, aged MIL became a demanding nightmare, my dad got diagnosed with MS, my career flew spectacularly, H's business was tough (self employed), DD had a traumatic change to secondary school with bullying...it goes on.
This year has been the worse. I got diagnosed with CIN2 (pre-cervical cancer) and HPV. MIL gradually got worse with dementia (she's 89) and is now in a home; the financial stuff has been a nightmare, DS got accused of serious sexual assault at school by a girl who turned out to have lied, but not before police intervention, interview under caution etc. And my stash of nice underwear and a few sex toys got discovered by H.
I'll explain: I suffer from low self confidence and low self esteem. I am in a senior level job which I love, and do well at. But my own underlying confidence in me is shot. Going out the house with a 'too short' dress, 'what are you doing wearing that', 'aren't those heels a bit high', 'your hair looks awful that colour'...so I have a small stash of nice underwear (including stockings and suspenders) which i occasionally wore becasue it made me feel good. And a handful of sex toys for my own use as I can't bear H touching me. I don't want sex. It's now been about 8 months.
He has now put 2 and 2 together and got about 9. Assumes the stuff is for use with someone else, assumes i 'got HPV' as I must be sleeping around, assumes because I am away a lot with work I must be up to something. I made one mistake 24 years ago and am still being persecuted. Almost daily this year; prior to that was occasionally when he got pissed.
Which brings me onto his drinking. He goes out to the pub every night, usually about 9, earlier on a saturday. He comes to bed about 12-1am, and probably 4-5 times a week shakes me awake to have a go about something. Accuses me of cheating now (last night it was because i have 2 phones - i have a work one and a personal one, as we are not allowed to use the work one for own use. Apparently it's my cheat phone). At least twice a week he mentions my ONS. It's been far worse since he found the underwear and toys, but was happening prior too regularly. He goes for a drink because I don't talk to him and he won't sit in silence (his words).
DD is badly affected by the arguing. She gets really upset. I just won't be spoken to like he speaks to me, and won't be accused of things I am not doing!
The sleep deprivation is crippling. Being woken 2 hours into a deep sleep then listening to him often ranting is debilitating.
I have told him it's over and I want to leave. I then get the tears and then the suicide threats and then the blackmail (he'll tell my mum and dad all about me and how nasty I am).
Financially I can do it. I earn £70k pa and can afford to rent (this once dream house is now bad memories). His income though is unstable and he says he won't cope and anyway 'we are a family and must stick together'. It's breaking me. Totally breaking me. I can't cope. I hate coming home from work as I dread walking in the door.
He's out now, since 3pm, with a mate in a city half an hour away, so I am already dreading tonight.
Sorry....that's long already, there's so much I could say. Got to go and pick both DCs up now, luckily from the same town, so may not be able to reply for a short while.
Please ask any questions. Help me grow that proverbial pair and leave!
You have to leave for you and your children's mental health at least. The marriage is toxic. It will be so much better when you leave. Good luck
you don't need any questions, you don't need any answers, you just need to do what you clearly know you have to do. You actually sound articulate, intelligent, understanding and strong. You will have much higher self esteem and much more fun without him. Just do it. Please
You poor thing this sounds awful. You really need to leave him for the sake of you MH and also for your DCs- this situation is toxic for them too
Nothing whatsoever to save here, except the wellbeing of your kids and your mental health. Get out before any more damage is done. Find a place to rent. Move. Do it.
Good luck OP.
Just back, and thank you. My mental health is Struggling, I was on ADs 2 years ago because of the stress of home, and got that held against me, and came off them. I went to the docs about 8 months ago as I was feeling so low, and the doctor recommended I went away with my husband for the weekend to talk properly! Honestly, I should have reported her, I was dumbfounded. She also offered to sign me off work, but that’s the absolute last thing I need
It’s the one thing I am good at, am respected for, acknowledged for (within work). He just throws it in my face and says my job takes over everything and it means more to me than the kids. I love what I do, and I do love the fact I can have a night away from here. But then the abuse gets hurled when I return as he ‘doesn’t know what I’ve been up to’
It doesn't sound like a marriage it sounds like a nightmare.
Leave. He will just keep punishing you until you break.
Is there a spare room you could sleep in for now and lock the door so he can't come in and wake you? That is bloody torture. Have you told him to stop it?
I’m worried about the ‘how’. Do I just leave and worry about finances and divorce after? I’m quite happy to leave this house, it’s now bad memories, but there’s about £150k of equity, half of which would be very useful! But equally it’s the DCs home and they have friends here, it’s the only house they’ve known. H couldn’t afford the mortgage on his own. He earns £2-2.5kpm, mtge is £1k. Should I offer to lay half, less half the joint debts, which i currently pay, to retain my share?
For context currently he pays mtge plus house related expenses such as council tax, utilities, insurance. I pay £500 towards this (c£1300pm) and I cover debts (£500pm), all food shopping, all kids stuff like clothes, school dinners etc.
You don't need his permission to get divorced. My advice is go see a solicitor they give you 30 mins free and will give you some advice and options on moving forward in terms of the property and whether you should stay or leave whilst you separate. Another option is to offer to go halves on him renting somewhere whilst you stay?
You really should separate and focus on co-parenting as he sounds like an asshole.
Believe me (I'm a single mum) your mental health and general well being will be much better without him.
Could you sell house, clear debts and split what's left? Would kids stay with you?
The DC's know you fight, they must hear it, see how you are together etc. Yes it's been their home but I bet they'd rather be elsewhere in a happier situation.
No Desmondo I haven’t. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, it’s all my fault. He acknowledges he shouldn’t drink each day, but does because he ‘wants company’ in the pub
This is toxic, it’s not fair on the DC
This house is bad memories, I don’t want to be here
I’ve got one hold. His parents will splits their estate equal four ways, him, me, each dc (no other family). Right now worth about £150k each. I don’t want it.
Dance, no spare room sadly. He knows I hate being woken, it’s really like torture. He’s apologetic next morning, but says I’ve put him there in that place.
How? First step is the solicitors. They will advise you.
Maybe it will be best to move you and the children out to somewhere nearby, even if tiny, until the house sells. Of course it would be best if he moved out but you can't force that until the divorce is being finalised.
The sleep deprivation will be affecting your ability to make decisions. It is a clever move on his part. As well as seeing a solicitor I'd be doing anything necessary to get a good night's sleep. Do you have a spare bedroom you could lock yourself into? If he batters on the door you could call out the police and explain you are afraid of your angry drunk husband trying to get into the room to abuse you . They'll come round, maybe them having a word will be enough to stop the night time abuse, if not it start you building a case to get him put out of the house.
This needs to end and quickly. Without knowing the finer details it's nigh on impossible to advise you on HOW to do it but you are clearly intelligent and sensible and you need to just work out the most practice and quickest way to get it all sorted. In the meantime separate yourself mentally and, as much as possible, physically . Tell him, if you are safe to do so, thatyou are planning your separation and will be seeking separate lives as quickly as you are practically able to do so. Start taking back control where you can. Don't stand for his shit. Walk away don't reply. Just mentally move on and get the physical move on sorted quickly. Bit don't be a mug and give up more security/equity/money than you legally should, just to appease him.
I am so grateful for all the support here, I don’t really have any close friends (that’s a whole other bone of contention, but I think I’ve been depressed and isolated myself from people socially, except at work)
I need to do this for own sanity. Deal with the fallout and threats.
One mistake and I’m certainly paying the price.
Go to a SHL, speak to womens aid. Just because you have a good job and are well paid doesn't mean this isn't abusive. And he may get nastier yet. Be careful!
Legal advice, first thing Monday. Don't hang about any longer.
Gosh what a perfect storm nightmare.
I think you and your husband need to get counselling - possibly separately
I have to say I think it odd too you have underwear and sex toys he doesn’t know about - why hide them from him?! I would assume affair too so i think you have to cut him some slack here - you have hidden something deliberately from him so of course he is suspicious
It sounds as though you guys as a couple can’t handle stress very well. Your marriage sounds toxic with you looking down on him and him you. There’s so love or respect.
Get a short term break from each other to help with your perspective - and also so he can’t wake you at night! Go away for a weekend with your daughter for example?
Dementia is awful and very stressful As is having health worries yourself - I’m not surprised you’ve been struggling.
I wonder if you had the ONS because of the way your Dh is.
Book an appointment with a solicitor, pay to see a couple and use the one that you feel most confident with. Take your full legal entitlement - don't pay his mortgage/leave him more because you feel guilty.
He should have left 24 years ago if he wanted to. Yes you had a ons but he chose to stay.
He is using it as a stick to beat you with. It's your fault he drinks, it's your fault he wakes you up, you have caused him to not do this blah blah.
Get the best legal advice you can. Keep the home if you can, or sell and split the equity.
Don't give him a penny more out of guilt. You are very likely to end up funding the children - his drinking may get worse.
If he threatens suicide call the police. They will have seen it 1000 x before - it's a typical abusers line.
Get his abuse and alcohol consumption on record, gp, women's aid. Do you want him to have 50/50 with the kids? If not get legal advise on that.
I was living with an arsehole once - luckily, like you, I could afford to be alone. I too felt guilty. Sadly what you offer him will never be enough. He will always say you screwed him over, cheated, took his kids. So take everything that is rightly yours - you may as well because his bitterness won't disappear. If you take 1% or 80% of the assets he will continue to drink and moan.
Just reread your op. You had a ons 1 year into marriage aged 22. I'm guessing you got together in your teens. Is he older?
You were very very young to get married. Stop beating yourself up about it. Be kind to yourself. Maybe go for counselling alone to see why you are struggling to leave him?
You know what you need to do. Your H is a vile human being. But are you planning to leave your DCs with him?
See a solicitor.
But I honestly wonder if you leaving (or him leaving) might be the best thing for him. He is a total mess from the sound of things, but in denial about his behaviour hence blames you as a cop out.
Finding himself on his own with bills to pay, decisions to make and a job to hold down might be the best thing to force him to sort himself out. Sounds like he's been unhappy for years. He's seems too scared to face up to what he needs to do to get a half decent life, this includes the suicide threats.
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