Please help me - H told me it's over now

[harveyarnoldrosie]

I'm having a panic and anxiety attack.
My husband and partner of 20 years has told me it's over he's done. We have 3 kids.
He's adamant it's finished. It's Christmas tomorrow and he wants me to not come to his sisters (his whole family will be there) with the kids.
I've begged him to not do this but he's told me he hates me and that I've ruined his life.
I can't cope and I'm already a pathetic person that can't cope with anything.
I work 2 days a month and have no savings. I have nothing and don't have the strength to cope. I'm panicking really badly.

This is awful, of course you must go tomorrow. You are invited, he doesn’t get to uninvited you.

What has happened? I assume he is having an affair?

What on earth has happened for him to do this in the small hours of Christmas Day ?

What are your support networks @harveyarnoldrosie ?

Just keep breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth it will help your whole body to slow down x

You will be fine OP. I promise.

The most important thing to do is to get through the next 24 hours.

That’s all you have to do right now.
You can worry about the big stuff later.

Do you have a mum or a friend you could call ASAP tomorrow to tell?

If you are really panicking, sit down with your feet flat on the floor. List 2 things you can see, hear, touch and smell. Do not drink booze, but make a cup of tea if you can.

He, for the record, is a total shit for doing this to you today. I’m really sorry.

Aw op this is nasty. Fuck him. Concentrate on getting some sleep. You won't be able to think at the moment. You can cope you just need a bit of support and time. Sending hugs.

No affair. He cheated using a casual encounter app 2 years ago at the same time I fell pregnant with my son.
When I think back over my life with him it's been permanent unhappiness.
He says he can't put up with me anymore I've got to go.
It started on sat when he said should we go up and have sex as he'd just got my boy to sleep. I said I'd prefer to tonight when I could relax without the thought of so much to do. He then made a flippant comment 'that'll never happen - you're just trying to get out of it' I got cross ad had a go at him. He said he was done then - I begged him for another chance.
Then today another fight via text saying I always put a damp flannel over things.
Then this evening I shouted at him because the kids had spilt milk on the chair and ripped a present because they were play fighting.
He told me I wasn't his punch bag and that he's done. He cannot stand me. It's over.

He's told me I've ruined the kids Xmas. I didn't get my youngest down till 9.30. This has happened in the space of an hour.
He's just gone for me in such a nasty way. I can't bare it

You sound like me, or the future that awaits me. My husband cheated a couple of times in the past couple of years using casual sites and sexting a customer. I'm really ill atm with a cold and 21 weeks pregnant and he's acting distant and mean again :( I'm so sorry you have to go through this, as it's Christmas. Just do what it takes to look after yourself. Remember you arent alone xx

Thank you for the responses. I'm a mess of a person. I know he treats me badly but he's got me convinced I'm to blame for everything.
He even said the only reason he regrets cheating is because it's made him out to be the bad guy to everyone when deep down it's all me.

OP this sounds like a gaslighting/emotional abuse scenario to me. He seems to have got you believing you don't deserve any better, but you do. I realise you must be in shock but it sounds as if you'd be better off without him tbh. What awful timing on his part, to kick this off at Christmas. hugs

He cannot uninvited you to spend Christmas with your DC on Christmas day where all will be celebrating.

Ignore the bastard. Hes an absolute arsehole treating you like this.

Screw him. Ignore him, stay out of his way and get on with enjoying your Christmas with your DC.

Call women's aid helpline they will help you and give you a local contact to help you get through this.

He is probably just doing it to bully you. It's disgusting that he was after having sex with you before this. So he doesn't hate you so much does he...well he probably does, but that's because he hates women, not you specifically.

Really feel for you..call Samaritans also so you have someone to speak to who will be kind and thoughtful to you you need that right now to make you realise everyone else is not like your h

...and, believe me, there will be a lot of women in your position tonight. Such occasions are classic times for abusers to crawl out of the woodwork and inflict cruel emotional and psychological abuse, not to mention the physical and sexual.

You will not be alone with this tonight. You will be one of many on the receiving end

Op have either you or dh been drinking tonight (sometimes alcohol can bring out the worst in people and magnify things so that what may seem like a small thing can suddenly blow up into a big thing like what you are experiencing)

I would not beg him op,...you shouldn't have to beg anyone to be with you or love you, they should do that of their own free consent otherwise it's not live..

Secondly after you have both had a sleep he may wake up, realise what he has said and be shamefaced and regret it...if you want to stay with him then take him back but tell him you both need help to work on your marriage (e.g therapy/couple counselling)

If you are invited to his family's house then go...but if you feel too stressed by the idea then stay home and relax..

Don't worry about having no savings, there are women who flee partners with just the clothes in their backs/their kids backs...if you need to leave him there will be plenty on here who have gone through the same thing and who can guide you through everything you need to do..m

He does sound abusive...all this over him wanting to have sex on Saturday and you prefer tonight...him saying he would leave you because of that and the spills milk from the kids is not normal and don't let him make you think it is...you should be able to say you don't want to have sex without worrying your husband is going to finish with you and give you a barrage of verbal abuse..

I keep drifting off and then waking up and panicking. I've had no sleep but I do find reading this on here so comforting so thank you.
I have no idea how I will rebuild my life. I feel like a quivering wreck.

This will pass. I promise you.

💐💐 so sorry you’re going through this OP 💐💐 no advice just lots of virtual hugs xx

I’m so , couldn’t read and run... it will get better as pp said.

Please go tomorrow.

💐💐💐 for you.

I am so, so sorry for you harveyarnoldrosie. Blimey, he has certainly picked his time hasn't he? Such a selfish and immature man. Of course it's not all your fault. I hope you get rid of him for good in the new year, on YOUR terms. Get your finances sorted out. After that you can address your emotional pain. You will rebuild your life, it will take time but you will. Bless you x.

Oh and do go, it's not up to him to uninvite you. Unless of course you don't think you can cope in which case make an excuse but it must be your decision.

Honestly I could shake him until his teeth rattle and I don't feel like that very often.

Sorry for you too ragaroo.

Men! Why do we bother? I know many are really good, mine is, but there are so many toerags.

Tomorrow = today 🙃

I am so sorry OP. I know somewhat how you feel - I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder earlier this year, and my OH found it so 'hard to deal with' (yeah, you got that right, HE found it hard to deal with) he shagged an ex girlfriend and left me about 6 weeks ago. We will get through this xxx

A lot of relationships break up over constant arguing. It can wear a person down. You'll get through this, as he will have to pay some maintenance for the kids etc. Shitty timing though!

He sounds abusive. This is not your fault. Does his sister live far? I would be almost tempted to let him take the dc to get them out of the house and use that time he is gone to pack up his stuff into suitcases, drop it off at Dsis and then pick the kids up and enjoy what's left of Christmas.
Sending you lots of strength though, you'll need it. Please don't have him back, contact women's aid.

I'm sorry to hear that @Purplecatshopaholic
I can't picture how my life is going to turn out. I just wish he'd stop being cruel.
He told me he's going to take great pleasure in watching me rot.
Worst Christmas ever

OMG @harveyarnoldrosie - he sounds vile. Onwards and upwards is my new motto!! Glad I wasted 24 years on the twat (not) but you live and learn....

Pleasure watching you rot? What kind of sicko did you get involved in? Vile. No better word for it. But there is a silver lining to all this. You’ll be a lot happier without him in your life. You can do a lot better. Seriously. And I know it’s scary right now but things will work out in the end.

Sorry you're having to go through this but you're going to come out of it much better than he is. He's emotionally abusing you and by the sound of it he has been for a long time. You are NOT to blame for all the problems in the relationship and you are NOT a pathetic person. And you won't 'rot' either. You'll do what countless thousands/millions of us have done over the years and find a strength you didn't know you had until now, then realise how much better life is without him.

His timing's as shit as his attitude but you're going to be a lot happier by next Christmas. You can do this! Sending you lots of love and good wishes xx