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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me - H told me it's over now

79 replies

harveyarnoldrosie · 25/12/2018 03:09

I'm having a panic and anxiety attack.
My husband and partner of 20 years has told me it's over he's done. We have 3 kids.
He's adamant it's finished. It's Christmas tomorrow and he wants me to not come to his sisters (his whole family will be there) with the kids.
I've begged him to not do this but he's told me he hates me and that I've ruined his life.
I can't cope and I'm already a pathetic person that can't cope with anything.
I work 2 days a month and have no savings. I have nothing and don't have the strength to cope. I'm panicking really badly.

OP posts:
Normalnorman · 25/12/2018 05:20

What a wanker.

Wish I could come over there and help you pick up, dust off, wash your face and march the fuck to his sister's house like a boss and have dinner with the kids as though everything's normal.

Then I'd give you a hand afterwards to go back home, call a locksmith and get him, his bags and his sorry arse out of your home.

This is a textbook bullying emotional abuser and he's already done enough damage to you by the sounds of it.

Don't let him take any more or get to work on your kids but don't stay away from the sisters' either because you can be sure he'll paint you as the bad one that just didn't show.

Original poster
harveyarnoldrosie · 25/12/2018 05:45

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I'm so tired but can't sleep. My heart is racing and I keep needing the loo. I can honestly describe this as sheer panic. I have a horrible sense of dread. I wish this would all go away

OP posts:
MrsPawsitive · 25/12/2018 05:49

Hi, OP, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been ambushed at Christmas. No wonder you feel shocked. You already made a good first step being here and getting support. Your instinct for survival is alive and well!
You’re in charge of you and don’t forget that in the days ahead Smile.

Beechview · 25/12/2018 06:18

You’re stronger than you think and will get through this. Your life will be better without someone treating you badly and dragging you down.

Do you know any grounding techniques to calm yourself when you get really anxious?
Try putting your feet in the ground and feeling the ground through your feet. Put pressure on your feet and try to feel as much ground as you can. Connect yourself to this ground slowly and feel the connection running up your legs, and into all the different parts of your body. Name as many parts as you can.

Another one is to look around the room and find 5 things of any colour you choose. Then 4 of another, 3 of another and so on.

Thatwasfast · 25/12/2018 06:20

He sounds like a Clint.

You are better off without him.

Lolorolomolo · 25/12/2018 06:23

OP
(I’ve been through/am going through this so speak from experience)

You WILL be ok I know it doesn’t feel like that at the moment
Keep posting

unicornsandponies · 25/12/2018 06:48

Sending you hugs and support.
It's not you , it's him that has the problem. He's definitely gaslighting you. Stand up to him and be angry. Stay strong you will get through this.Flowers

FlamingGoat · 25/12/2018 06:56

Next year you'll be thankful for the best Christmas present he gave you...freedom from his cuntiness. Sending you much strength for the road ahead. You can do this!

Gina2012 · 25/12/2018 07:11

He can't stop you and the children going to his parents for Christmas

He can call you all the names he wants and be as nasty as he wants, but it doesn't make any of it true

In any relationship the problems are NEVER just one person's fault. NEVER. You are not to blame for everything.

Hold your head high. Try to remember that you're an amazing Mother and an incredible Woman and push the fear away for today

He can't hurt you unless you let him - and you're better than that.

You've got this.

Kumali · 25/12/2018 07:15

There's no good time for this to happen but Christmas is spectacularly cruel. But.. if you can get through this day (and you will) you can get through any. I know it's not going to help really but there's a few of us.. Me included gearing up to be dreading this period and everything fallen to pieces so you're not alone. Just take it an hour at a time.. A minute if you have to. Flowers

Figgygal · 25/12/2018 07:16

Ok firstly get through today for the kids tell him he can stay home "I'll" if he wants to

When possible get to a lawyer or onto cab and see what rights you have to take some control

Shit timing but he sounds awful

SpikyHedgehogg · 25/12/2018 07:22

This sounds like a very chaotic relationship. Just concentrate on getting through today. What real life support can you get?

BigChocFrenzy · 25/12/2018 07:23

I'm so sorry 💐
You and the DC deserve so much better than this cruel bastard

You can make a much better life without him,
even though it is so scary right now - that's just his abuse, deliberately making you anxious & insecure
He's deliberately chosen now, when lawyers are shut for days and everyone is so busy.

Is there anyone you can ask for help, especially family ?
Even just phone them, if they are far away

Don't be too proud to ask for help; any true friend or family would rather you ask and not stay struggling with this on your own all over Christmas

WineGummyBear · 25/12/2018 07:34

OP everyone is right.

You are brave and wonderful, you can do this.

Focus on getting through today.

In the long run it sounds like you will be well rid.

What a shot he is.

You can do this

Loveweekends10 · 25/12/2018 07:38

There are other lovely men out there. You don’t have to put up with this arsehole. He’s been destroying your self esteem. Get rid and rebuild.

Handprints2018 · 25/12/2018 07:41

What a cruel spiteful little prick. Have you called your SIL and told her what he said? While i agree he has no right to keep you all from having christmas with his family, you need to check they aren't supporting him in the disinvite.

You havd no idea if he's said anything to them or even made up malicious lies about you. Call SIL now and speak to her. Then tell her the whole truth.

Handprints2018 · 25/12/2018 07:43

Do you have food in the house? Try to ride today out.

AnotherEmma · 25/12/2018 07:45

Oh OP Flowers

His timing is completely deliberate. He's done this on purpose so he can ruin your Christmas.

He's an abusive piece of shit and you might find it difficult to see things this way now, but he's doing you a favour because you'll be so much happier without him.

If you're feeling panicky and need someone to talk to, you could call the Samaritans.

DeepanKrispanEven · 25/12/2018 07:46

Tell him that if he wants to break up, he is the one who is leaving. Remember that he continues to have a responsibility to house and maintain you and the children and, whatever happens over Christmas, get legal advice on that as soon as possible.

Beansandcoffee · 25/12/2018 07:51

Hello OP. I’ve been where you are now and it gets better.
Go to his parents today and ignore him. Take the kids and pretend all is fine. Tomorrow is when things change when you tell him to leave. He can go and stay with his parents. You do not leave the house. Start getting paperwork in place. Stay normal for the kids but he leaves not you. Keep posting you will get through this.

Singlenotsingle · 25/12/2018 07:54

I like cheesecake's idea. Let him take dc to his sister's, pack up his stuff and take it over there, pick up kids and tell him he's OUT! The sister will probably enjoy the drama.

BetterEatCheese · 25/12/2018 07:54

Morning OP. What an awful nasty man. My sister has just been in a similar situation and now the panic has passed, she has a rented house and has got a job in a shop, she doesn't have much but my goodness is she happier. She realised a few weeks ago that her OH was wrong about her being worthless and it was a lovely thing to see.

Please please keep talking on here and please remember you are not awful and haven't ruined anything

Onwardsandupdwards · 25/12/2018 07:55

OP, thinking of you this morning.

I split up with my STBXH this year and his behaviour since this split has got from bad to cruel, would never have imagined I would have to put up with the shit that he's been throwing my way.

However, my gorgeous DD has been awake since early doors - so excited about Santa, I am sitting in my own place feeling good to be rid of such a bad relationship and now focusing on me and my kids.

I know you are in the eye of the storm at the moment and it is totally understandable for you to feel the way you do at the moment but you will come out of this happier, stronger and much, much better off.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 25/12/2018 07:56

It may not seem like it now but it sounds very much like him leaving could be the best Christmas present he could give you. He sounds poisonous and I suspect you will find you are a lot stronger than you feel right now!

SciFiScream · 25/12/2018 07:57

I don't know. I don't know if I'd go to his family. Thank him for giving you a day off. Stay at home, enjoy yourself. Find all the financial information you can and take copies of it (photographs?)
Call his family and let them know the real reason you aren't there. Celebrate another day with your kids. It sounds like 2019 will be the year you escape this abusive idiot.
Don't beg him. Don't let him see how it's affecting you. Rise above it.
Look up the freedom project.
Good luck.

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