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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me - H told me it's over now

79 replies

harveyarnoldrosie · 25/12/2018 03:09

I'm having a panic and anxiety attack.
My husband and partner of 20 years has told me it's over he's done. We have 3 kids.
He's adamant it's finished. It's Christmas tomorrow and he wants me to not come to his sisters (his whole family will be there) with the kids.
I've begged him to not do this but he's told me he hates me and that I've ruined his life.
I can't cope and I'm already a pathetic person that can't cope with anything.
I work 2 days a month and have no savings. I have nothing and don't have the strength to cope. I'm panicking really badly.

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 25/12/2018 08:04

I don't know. I don't know if I'd go to his family. Thank him for giving you a day off. Stay at home, enjoy yourself. Find all the financial information you can and take copies of it (photographs?)
Call his family and let them know the real reason you aren't there. Celebrate another day with your kids. It sounds like 2019 will be the year you escape this abusive idiot.
Don't beg him. Don't let him see how it's affecting you. Rise above it.
Look up the freedom project.
Good luck.

I've been thinking about it and this (above) might be the way forward today, actually

Tell everyone why you can't be there today

And spend the time getting your ducks sorted

You are worth SO much more than this - a life filled with fear and dread is not what you deserve for 2019

billybagpuss · 25/12/2018 08:08

Yes I agree with SciFiScream today is the day your life starts, he has given you the best gift, life without him.

Spend today finding your strength, I'm sure you have food in the house, you have the opportunity to spend the day to quote a MN expression 'getting your ducks in a row' Find and copy all the financials, consult google and the lovely ladies here about what you may be entitled to.

The next few months won't be easy but you will come out the other side and rediscover who you are.

peekyboo · 25/12/2018 08:20

His next step is likely to be grudging backtracking on saying it's over. He's being deliberately cruel so appearing to be 'nice' again is part of the cat and mouse.

If he does seem to be okay, or even civil, don't be fooled.

Remember how he made you feel, so that when he blames you or makes you forget what was said, you can remember how you felt.

Don't ever be drawn in to thinking someone like this can be a decent human being. It doesn't matter how bad he thinks you are, or has made you think you are: you're the mother of his children, you deserve respect, just as you'd give him respect.

Also agree to being open with his family. He will not want that! He'll want to keep this abuse under the radar.

Lolorolomolo · 25/12/2018 08:23

How are you OP

billybagpuss · 25/12/2018 08:31

And just having reread your posts a couple more things:

No you don't have to go, he has a responsibility to you and the children do not leave the family home.

You are not pathetic, his manner over the years has effected your self esteem, you will find a strength you never knew you had.

I know today is not the day you feel like doing anything but for starters.

Go get the kettle on, get yourself a cuppa
Do not engage with him, go through the present motions with the kids then wave them off while you start planning
Take copies of anything and everything that might be of use.
Look up local solicitors most offer free advise for the first half hour.
You'll get loads more suggestions from other users on here.

Then have a bath and a nap you must be feeling knackered this morning.

Grannyannex · 25/12/2018 08:36

💐

Melissa74 · 25/12/2018 08:58

What a deliberately cruel man your husband is ! Fantastic advice above .. wave kids & hubby off , ring SIL & sort out financial paperwork ( copies )
Be aware that hubby may make a surprise entrance home though .
Thinking of you & we are here to give you support Flowers

DuchessofManchester · 25/12/2018 09:05

What an absolute twat!! Agree with pp that having today to get your head together and get your ducks in a row is the best thing. Although I understand it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Flowers

Alfiemoon1 · 25/12/2018 09:14

Thinking of you op

mummmy2017 · 25/12/2018 09:25

Hope things get better, don't beg, tell him fine, you will get over this and if you don't become a mess, he will hate it...

Holdingoutforalotterywin · 25/12/2018 09:27

Do what you need to do to get through today. This day will be over. It won’t be nice and it won’t be a good Christmas. But you can cope with it and you will get through this. I am so sorry this has happened x

SparklyMagpie · 25/12/2018 09:29

Thinking of you OPFlowers

tempname111 · 25/12/2018 09:36

Summon up some courage from somewhere if you possibly can and disengage today. Focus on today being Christmas, that's all.

When you're feeling stronger tell him you will NOT rot, and that you intend to blossom.

MissEliza · 25/12/2018 09:48

Omg Op. He is a bastard. Get your ducks in a row financially, legally and practically. Where are your family today? Can you turn to them.

KataraJean · 25/12/2018 09:56

You poor thing.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Link is for Women’s Aid. They can help with the practical aspects of getting on your feet. He is abusive and you are worth more than this Flowers.

Concentrate on getting through today, then get some rest and then get him out of your life. Do you have food in?

Kennycalmit · 25/12/2018 10:24

Oh my god he sounds absolutely vile Angry

I can bet my life on it OP he won’t leave you. He’s just a ct who wants to make you feel as shite as possible. I’m not saying that to give you ‘false hope’ that he will stay because you need to leave him!

I think men get labelled as abusive WAY too easily on here however your husband is abusive, no doubt about it!
Do you really want to stay with this man? Do you really want this man as a role model for your kids as they grow older? Do you want them looking at him and wanting to be like him when they’re adults? Or would you rather be alone/with a man who respects you and treats you with kindness??

Call his family and tell them you won’t be joining them today as your husband has ended the marriage because you wouldn’t have sex with him. Don’t hold back, tell them everything. Because if you don’t, he will twist the story to make himself look innocent.

Stay at home and gather all the financial info you will need. Are you on the mortgage/tenancy??

You will be much better off without him - financially, mentally and emotionally

Nativityriot · 25/12/2018 10:28

Take all the good advice! Mn will help you!!!

CitrusFruit9 · 25/12/2018 10:30

Hi OP just to reiterate that whilst your priority at the moment will obviously be getting through today (and I agree one way or another let his parents know how he has behaved), you are not in a hopeless position.

As you are married and have been for a long time, all assets are assets of the marriage to be split in divorce regardless of whose name they are in. That includes money in his bank accounts and the house. He has to pay maintenance for the children and depending on income may have to pay you maintenance too. Any divorce settlement will ensure that you and the DC are housed and provided for as far as there are assets available for this. He can't just cut you off (shitty though divorce is, you are a much better position than someone who is not married)

Look on www.entitledto.co.uk to work out what benefits you would be entitled to.

You may actually be better off once you have split.

Do not leave the house (unless you are afraid he will be violent) as otherwise you will be voluntarily homeless and the council will not have an obligation to house you. As you are married it is your house too. Does he own it or do you rent?

Go through all the paperwork and take copies of all bank statements, payslips, pensions and anything else to do with finances or assets. Put those copies and your and DC passports with a friend. Do this EVEN IF he purports to make up with you. Based on his performance it will not last and you need to protect yourself and your DC now.

Do you have a joint bank account? Take half out now and put it in an account in your name only before he empties it. You can open an account online and have the details all ready to transfer funds to on the 27th, which is the next banking day.

First thing in the New Year see a solicitor and (assuming he owns the house) ask them to lodge a matrimonial caution on the title to the house. This means he cannot sell it without dealing with your interest in it too. Ask your solicitor for advice on the best way to protect your position generally. If he has decent earnings go as fast as you can to decree nisi as that gives the court jurisdiction to order him to pay you maintenance.

In the meantime I'd suggest you do nothing to raise his suspicions that you are getting your ducks in a row. Just fade into the background as much as possible.

It is shit my love and he picked a particularly wanky time to do this, but you will get through it and come out on the other side into a better life. There are a number of us on the boards who have been through this.

Doobee · 25/12/2018 10:37

How are you OP? Whatever you do, don’t beg him. Resolve that you are better off without this arsehole. This is no way to live. Don’t drink booze today. It will make things worse. Have you got any family or friends who can support you today?

Doobee · 25/12/2018 10:38

And don’t have sex with him. He’s disgusting.

WinterSunglasses · 25/12/2018 10:40

Were you and the kids going to his sister's for your Christmas dinner? Don't you let him put you off. And you don't have to leave, he can find another place if he wants to break up. You're worth so much more than him. Flowers

Slothslothsloth · 25/12/2018 10:43

Oh god OP 💐 some good advice on here (not the advice about causing drama at his sisters house - please don’t do that as it will be awful for your kids). Definitely get him out of the house. DO NOT LEAVE yourself.

From one of your updates it sounds like he is sexually abusive too - do you recognise this? It seems like you have lost sight of what’s normal so just a reminder that in healthy relationships sex is a mutually enjoyable activity not a duty the women performs for the man. The fact he says you’re “trying to get out of it” is an admission that he knows you don’t want sex and still wants to make you anyway. There’s a word for that.

ferando81 · 25/12/2018 10:47

Begging shows weakness and bullies despise weakness -it will just embolden him to be even more selfish and cruel .
Neither of you seem happy ,you are snapping at him.and he's looking elsewhere .The relationship might stagger on for a few years but chances are it will not last .You need to be more independent -work more hours and save some money so you are better prepared

Wordthe · 25/12/2018 10:48

Harvey
You will not rot you will FLOURISH without him in your life
He is the rotten person, when he is gone you will thrive and he will rot

MissyMoooo · 25/12/2018 13:54

Hope you're managing to get through today OP. Thanks for you

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