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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is he so inconsiderate about sleep...

83 replies

TheKrackenAwakes · 24/12/2018 09:23

Specifically my sleep.

I’ve been on hols since Thursday. Context is an exceptionally long term, a draining ongoing non-infectious illness that has caused me to be ill with secondary things for five weeks out of the last seven.

I am so tired that I actually find it hard to get to sleep. If I am disturbed much in the morning I am very unlikely to get back to sleep.

My DH has always been a rude bastard when it comes to waking me up in ways that are so careless they ‘feel’ as if they must be deliberate.
In his mind I am excessively grumpy about it and when I am short with him about it, it apparently puts him in a very bad mood going to work...

On Friday he woke me up at 7:30 by;
Loudly yawning and stretching in bed next to me three times.
Pulling out his sock drawer so it made a bang.
Leaving the bedroom door open then humming a song while brushing his teeth and flushing the loo.
Going to the kitchen which is below the bedroom and humming loudly, boiling the kettle and putting away pans, plates and cutlery, letting each door and drawer slam...
He then brings me a cup of tea (which I have never asked for) and wants to tell me that the cat was very cute sleeping on the kitchen table.

He could plainly see I was livid. I then asked him to let me be asleep. So off he went to work.

This morning was not much better.

Am I being excessively moody? Can people just not really help being like that? Should I just put up with it forever?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/12/2018 20:41

Why are you even letting him come in once in the mornings he needs to leave you alone so you can sleep!!!!

Neverunderfed · 24/12/2018 20:51

He doesn't care

Nothavingfunrightnow · 24/12/2018 20:58

I'm with Anyfucker on this. And I'll go so far as to say, he will not change; you'll eventually see that life will be better without him and you'll tell him to fuck off.

Starfish28 · 24/12/2018 21:05

I don’t get why you would let him come in at all. You need the sleep. You can text him when you wake up. He is being a child and quite annoying one at that. You are not overreacting.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 24/12/2018 22:22

Full of bullshit excuses isn't he. How anyone could find that sexually appealing is beyond me, he is thick as pigshit if he really believes his own bullshit, but, I suspect AF has it spot on. He is a dick.

maximumcarnage · 24/12/2018 22:41

I was going to write how much I disagree with AFs interpretation of the situation. However after reading through the OPs subsequent post I can’t help but agree with AF. He’s being abusive. Seriously. You’ve made it crystal clear you want to be left to sleep. But he’s STILL doing it even though he’s seen how upset it’s making you. He’s coming up with the most ridiculous reasons for disturbing you.

At a time when your ill and vulnerable you expect your partner to be at their most caring and considerate. To do whatever it takes to help and support you. He’s not doing this. I’d seriously be wondering about a future with this guy. Because can you count on him when the chips are down? I’m not convinced.

Weenurse · 24/12/2018 22:41

I think he is just a bit selfish.
My OH has MH issues based around sleep and lack of.
I work the early shift so am always up at 5.50 and gone by 6.15.
All my clothes, bags, needs for the day are out of the bedroom the night before.
I get up, let dog out and then go to bathroom. Shower, makeup etc and undies and bras on. Do teeth before leaving bathroom.
Leave bedroom ( bathroom is ensuite). That is his disturbance for the morning. I do not boil kettle, I do make toast to eat in the car.
When he has to get up early for a meeting or flight, he forgets forward planning as he usually does no need to, so is in ond out of the bedroom multiple times to get what he needs. Plus he makes s noisy coffee.
I now remind him to pre plan on those days. I point out that I want him to be as considerate as I am.
Maybe not selfish as thoughtless.

Maelstrop · 24/12/2018 23:05

Why does he need to kiss you goodbye? My dh works shifts and is ninja like if he leaves/goes when I'm asleel. Equally, I'm ninja like when getting up when he's asleep. If he came to kiss me goodbye, he'd be absolutely bollocked. Emptying the dw is fine, but it is I evitably noisy and isn't essential if some be is still in bed. Inconsiderate a or abusive? I honestly don't know, but waking you 3 times is not oafllike, it's a deliberate act to try to get you awake so I'm going for abusive.

pissedonatrain · 25/12/2018 02:18

After rereading it again, I still think abusive. Nobody needs to yawn and stretch so loudly multiple times enough to wake someone else in another room. Or humming loudly enough to wake you up.

VanGoghsDog · 25/12/2018 02:38

My ex was like this. As Stardustinmyeyes says, in the end I could really only think of it as being deliberate. I remember saying to a friend, how can I say I left him because he kept bringing me tea in bed?
It sounds like a nice thing but really it was definitely controlling
He also practically dragged me out of bed once when I had a migraine. I found it hard to forgive that one.

MrsTerryPratcett · 25/12/2018 02:56

I'd like to put paid to the notion that people 'just don't get it'. DH could sleep on a clothesline. He sleeps from when a plane is taxiing to landing without moving. I've seen him sleep through an earthquake.

But he doesn't disturb me because he's a good bloke and I find sleep hard. He even rolls over in his sleep when I say 'you're snoring'.

OP if your DH does this after it's been spelled out, he is depriving you of sleep on purpose. Something torturers do.

Mix56 · 25/12/2018 04:11

It's pure selfishness.
Clearly asking for some consideration hasn't worked. Book yourself into a hotel, or take yourself off to stay with a friend/family... tell him he can slam all the fucking drawers he wants, you are ill, & desperate for sleep.
he might just learn a lesson but probably he is just a jerk

MarcieBluebell · 25/12/2018 04:27

He did say I couldn’t expect him to sneak around like it’s a morgue.

This stood out to me. He doesn't care if he wakes you. Also do not get woken up once. He should not wake you at ALL.

He should leave the house in silence.

graphista · 25/12/2018 04:33

AF as she so often is, is spot on!

This is a very nasty form of gaslighting. Sleep deprivation is a method of torture for a reason.

What is the rest of the relationship like? (Think I can guess as from this thread alone it seems it's all about HIS needs being met while yours aren't of any value whatsoever).

If it were just normal getting ready noise and you're a light sleeper and that was waking you that'd be different... Banging about, humming, leaving doors open so the noise has the most impact is conscious, deliberate and aggressive - that it's passive aggressive is irrelevant it's still aggressive.

AnotherEmma that's really interesting, I'm lucky I've not been in an abusive relationship myself so I've not read that book but see it referenced often on mn. But I've been the daughter witnessing abuse and my dad would pull shit like this too.

"He comes in and says “Love you grumpy”, gives me a load of kisses and when I was fairly unresponsive he gave me a load more." Even that seemingly loving act is actually designed to wrong foot you - how can you be angry with him when he's being "nice".

I think he'll make a lip service effort for a short while and then things will gradually go back to how they are now and he'll claim he's "trying" and he "had to do..." Because of some failing of yours.

If that does happen then you'll know for sure its deliberate because you really couldn't have been clearer!

My ex has slept through an earthquake, he's a frighteningly deep sleeper, needed several alarms to get up for work before we moved in together. But if I was working different days to him he made sure his clothes etc were outside the bedroom, he did only what he had to and even when we at one point had a really noisy latch on the front door used to use the key to lift the latch on the way out (hoping that makes sense) so he could close the door quietly. I paid him the same courtesy - even though there was no real need it's just what you do.

There's not one good reason for him to wake you at all on regular days - not one!

As you say if there's an emergency (eg fire) of course. Though I suspect like me you'd be awake long before he needed to wake you in that case.

CAAKE · 25/12/2018 05:57

Sorry, I have to say that I think you've been incredibly passive in all of this. Why didn't you say something the very first time he woke you? I can't help but think that my reaction would be something like "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M ASLEEP YOU FUCKING TWAT!!"

You are no doubt a nicer person than I am, but from reading your posts I just can't help but think that you need to be a little more honest and open with him. How is he to know that you're upset/annoyed/livid if you don't tell him? You're going to build up a lot of internal resentment if you don't sort out your communication issues.

graphista · 25/12/2018 06:08

Way to victim blame CAAKE

It's not hard to think if someone's sleeping you don't go out your way to make a passive aggressive fucking racket!

RandomMess · 25/12/2018 09:22

I'm coming back to say at best it's utter selfishness but it sounds like abusive selfishness.

I am a very light sleeper if DH is up early he sleeps in the spare room with all his stuff and sneaks about. Usually yes I wake up sometimes briefly sometimes my eyes ping open and that's it. None of it is deliberate though!

How would it be if you have ever DC... him waking them up and you left to sort it day and night.

AnyFucker · 25/12/2018 09:32

Why does he need to "see you" at all before he leaves ? Ridiculous.

He is a territory marker. He might as well spray you like a tom cat. Making his almighty presence felt with kisses you don't want, tea forced upon you, racket made so you are made constantly aware of his dominance.

keenkaren · 25/12/2018 09:51

Meanwhile I bet OP still has sex with this man. She needs to knock that on the head for a bit until he sorts out his ways. It's funny how much that will correct his behaviour

AFistfulofDolores1 · 25/12/2018 14:00

OP, he is not a reliable witness or explainer of his own behaviour. You will never get what you want from him by either confronting him or asking him to see what he's doing.

You're the only one who can change this.

OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2018 14:28

Read Pat Cravens Living with the Dominator. Hes doing it to run you down. Hes preparing you for a life of hell.

worriedunimum · 25/12/2018 17:01

Oh God my first husband used to do this. He turned out to be an utterly abusive cunt, eventually. So will yours, OP

MistressDeeCee · 25/12/2018 17:43

All these men who somehow can't be quiet.

I bet they're quiet at work, in meetings, with people who won't take their bullshit behaviour etc

OP your H doesn't like you. These things are subtle and sneaky, at times - he will disturb you forever on this if you let him. Tell him it's not on. You need to get a consequence in place.

He'll find another way to upset you tho, guaranteed

Wordthe · 25/12/2018 17:46

He did say I couldn’t expect him to sneak around like it’s a morgue
the message here is that the things you need are unreasonable because they require him to change his behaviour and to defer to you

Wordthe · 25/12/2018 17:47

You will never get what you want from him by either confronting him or asking him to see what he's doing

I agree, you have tipped him off and he knows that you are onto him so now he will need to use more covert methods to dominate and control you

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