Why is he so inconsiderate about sleep...

[TheKrackenAwakes]

Specifically my sleep.

I’ve been on hols since Thursday. Context is an exceptionally long term, a draining ongoing non-infectious illness that has caused me to be ill with secondary things for five weeks out of the last seven.

I am so tired that I actually find it hard to get to sleep. If I am disturbed much in the morning I am very unlikely to get back to sleep.

My DH has always been a rude bastard when it comes to waking me up in ways that are so careless they ‘feel’ as if they must be deliberate.
In his mind I am excessively grumpy about it and when I am short with him about it, it apparently puts him in a very bad mood going to work...

On Friday he woke me up at 7:30 by;
Loudly yawning and stretching in bed next to me three times.
Pulling out his sock drawer so it made a bang.
Leaving the bedroom door open then humming a song while brushing his teeth and flushing the loo.
Going to the kitchen which is below the bedroom and humming loudly, boiling the kettle and putting away pans, plates and cutlery, letting each door and drawer slam...
He then brings me a cup of tea (which I have never asked for) and wants to tell me that the cat was very cute sleeping on the kitchen table.

He could plainly see I was livid. I then asked him to let me be asleep. So off he went to work.

This morning was not much better.

Am I being excessively moody? Can people just not really help being like that? Should I just put up with it forever?

Cringy

I already wear wax earplugs every night for his snoring.
I often retreat to the spare bedroom when I am not sleeping well. This morning I was in the other bedroom when I heard his yawning/roaring through my earplugs so I closed the door to the hallway.

First he opened the door (without fully turning the handle so the latch clashed) to just look at me and I said pointedly “Yes?” Don’t remember if he answered before closing the door again.

Then he came back a bit later and opened the door loudly.
I said “What?”
He then told me the cat had made a bed out of the Christmas tree in the kitchen.
I said “Great.”
He left again.

Third time he is about to leave the house, this time he opens the door perfectly quietly (sadly I was lying there awake seething).
He comes in and says “Love you grumpy”, gives me a load of kisses and when I was fairly unresponsive he gave me a load more. Then I asked what time work finishes today and said don’t let them find any excuses to keep you there. Then he said the cat is outside, I said Good and rolled over.

At least he didn’t bring me tea
On Friday he said it made him really sad that he brought me tea and instead of saying “Oh thank you darling husband” I told him to let me sleep in an angry voice. I said I never asked for tea and I don’t want tea when I’m asleep.

My ex husband used to do stuff like this. l worked shifts, he didn't. When l was on an early shift he'd be banging and clattering about til the early hours, knowing l had to be up at 5am. One night he was printing stuff til 3am. But when l came home after a late shift (just after midnight) he'd be in bed, snoring, so he'd clearly been asleep for hours. He'd go out (to a martial arts class, so not clubbing or drinking) and when l'd ask him not to be late so l could get to bed and not be disturbed by him coming in, he'd say "l'll try."
Which he very clearly didn't. He'd come in at all hours, having been out for a meal with friends from the class, or back to theirs, knowing he'd disturb me when he came in.

l used to get so exhausted l used to take time off work so l could sleep when he wasn't in the house.
When we were splitting up, he admitted he'd done it on purpose. l don't know if your partner is doing it deliberately, but it can definitely be a form of abuse.

I think you need to bluntly tell him not to wake you up in the morning. Spell it out. Tell him to get ready quietly and leave quietly.

Just tell him matter of fact; not yelling or angry tone.

See if you can get a lock for the spare bedroom so he can't just wander in.

Just wondering. Is he that noisy when he gets home from work?

Oh, and by the way, we had separate bedrooms as l was working shifts. The racket he made clattering about and banging doors etc still permeated. lt was most definitely deliberate.
He'd say "well go to bed if you're THAT tired." My bedroom was above the living room, with the bed directly above the television. lt was like trying to sleep in the cinema.

I think you just need to spell it out to him - he can show you he loves you by being quiet, considerate and letting you sleep! My DP is not a morning person and I am so I get up, shut the bedroom door, go to kitchen, shut that door and then make and have my breakfast before his either in kitchen or spare room so he can get an extra half hour of snooze.

I hate this kind of passive aggressive behaviour, it feels somewhere between selfish ‘I’m up so you should be up’ or a bit cloying/controlling with all the tea making, kisses etc that you clearly don’t want - and when you need sleep.

Will he respond/change if you make it super clear to him?

I think you need to do two things

First tell him in no uncertain terms that he WILL NOT continue to disturbed you when are sleeping. And disrespectful it is to keep doing it when you have asked him to stop, and it show how little he likes and understands you.

Second stop creeping around when he asleep, do what he does, give him as much consideration as he does you.

I have a weird flip side of this problem and was debating starting a thread on it. My partner accused me quite aggressively in the middle of the night of deliberately waking him up, and that I do it regularly. I was shocked and hurt...I try to do the opposite in fact! At times he wakes up with a proper jump if I accidentally touch him with my leg or something so I try not to unless he has clearly cuddled up to me.
I went and slept on the couch. Which wasn’t the best.
But OP that’s rotten...he’s either bring deliberately obtuse or is incredibly unaware. Neither is good.

Any Fucker is absolutely right.

This is abuse, plain and simple.

I'd be showing him the door.

And if anyone here entertains the notion that he's not doing this deliberately, then I despair.

Crikey, I thought anyfucker was being a bit excessive initially, but reading your last post, it's absolutely deliberate on his part - he's totally committed to waking you up completely. And acting like he thinks it's cute.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

You might like to re-think creeping around the house for the 200 mornings you get up a hour before he does, at least.

Anyfucker is spot on, this is abuse but disguised as niceness, smothering you with kisses if you’re not responsive and bringing cups of tea when you’re asleep then saying it makes him sad if you don’t thank him.
This is one of the most cruel types of abuse because often it’s extraordinarily difficult to articulate exactly what is happening.

I've read this thread 4 times throughout today and finally had to comment as it made me so cross
Anyfucker is right imo. He sounds horrible and I couldn't live with that.

Your description of him is giving me mental imagery of shrek

I don't think he's abusive, more inconsiderate oaf imo.

I wouldn't recommend passive aggressive 'punishments' that won't achieve anything.

Tell him straight that you feel exhausted (yes some people are that selfish/clueless they actually need to be told), and could he please try to minimise his noise in the mornings as it's breaking your sleep and lengthening your recovery time. Noise being Inclusive of but not limited to clanging and banging around, stomping, humming and bringing food or drink that you haven't specifically asked for.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

I have never had this happen to me. I have had exes go out of their way to not wake me. I would have an ex who used to kiss me goodbye every morning before work and I actually liked it because that was my wakeup call. Sometimes I would pretend to sleep just so he would still do it. I never once asked him not to do it.

If someone cares for you, they would want you to rest, especially if you have been unwell. What your partner is doing isn't a peck on the cheek or anything cute. He is forcing you to wake up, going out of his way to make sure you don't sleep in - and even if you do manage to get back to sleep - to make sure he wakes you up again.

I never think straight to an action being a form of abuse, but this is abusive. The cup of tea thing, even if he did want to be nice and bring you a cup of tea - who the hell does that to someone who is sleeping??

Him doing the repeated yawns is very very clearly him trying to wake you up, him telling you a cute story and bringing you tea is abuse disguised as kindness.

What other things is he doing to you??

Have you actually said to him, please don’t wake me. Please be quiet in the morning

If you have and he’s carrying on then it’s on purpose. If you haven’t then I have a tiny amount of sympathy

He doesn't actually give a shit about you does he? This is all about what he wants. He is playing the role of magnanimous wonderful husband badly treated by his grumpy wife. Thing is, if he really was a wonderful husband, he'd put your need to sleep first and leave you the fuck alone.

He unstacks the DW and brings you a cuppa ? That's good in my book, although I understand not ideal when you are trying to catch up on sleep. Sounds to me like fundamentally he's a good'un he just needs to understand you are totally knackered . Talk . Resolve . And sleep ! And have a great Christmas!

Does he understand your health issues?

It sounds like underneath it all is some resentment about you being unwell.

I have chronic long term health issues and I think people just don’t get it. They think you somehow get used to being unwell, and that therefore you should just be able to get on with it.

I think he needs you to really explain how all this is making you feel and explain the impact on your health.
If he still doesn’t change I think that would actually be the end of it for me.

Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts on this it really helped me today

I think you are certainly on to something @fairylea Once we spoke it seemed clear to me that he thinks he’s just as tired as me. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t sleeping well or that I do a lot to ensure he gets good sleep.

I talked to him this afternoon (let’s be honest it turned into hysterical and very tired crying lol) and said I needed to know if he was intentionally waking me up or punishing me in some way. Because that’s how it has felt! I had spoken to him about it in the past and it seemed to go in at the time.

He’s said he honestly thought he was trying his best to be quiet. That he feels pretty shitty that it has been bothering me this much but that he thought he was doing as much as was reasonable.

He did say I couldn’t expect him to sneak around like it’s a morgue. I told him that if I’m sleeping and on hols then I absolutely do expect that!

I said that he needed to step up and do the things that I actually want in terms of being cared for, not the things that are convenient to him.

I also asked him how he would feel if someone guilt tripped him for not being grateful to be woken up to drink tea he never asked for. And how would he feel if the person who is meant to love him was stealing something as fundamental as food or sleep from him. He said that would feel pretty shit

Do you think it'll make a difference to how he behaves from here on?

He said that this morning he came to see me the first time to check I was ok and I said, I’ve been going in the other room to escape and get rest, the fact the door was fully closed for the first time ever should have been a hint. Besides which he could check on me as silently as possible if he felt it was so terribly important.

He said he heard a cat crying outside at 3am so he wanted to check if the cat was with me!!! I said honestly unless the house is on fire you are to see me once before leaving the house and no more.

He admitted he really didn’t need to come and tell me the cat was on the table. I said if it was so incredibly cute he should have taken a picture and sent it to me later on.
And then said he was so tired this morning that he locked me in the house forgetting he didn’t need to... he got shouted at then and I was like, this isn’t about you stop trying to sidetrack.

Anyway he seemed pretty sad and we agreed that a successful morning where he is working and I’m not should look like me barely awake when he comes to briefly kiss me goodbye.
He will visit me once only and have his socks etc in another room ready. He will not do any washing up or put anything away (but I did agree that in this case I would do it instead - I don’t wash up or notice stuff on the rack [santa])

I think the key thing is to set an agreed upon outcome with him and then I can hold him to it later which makes me not just suffering it easier (since I can be unsure if I’m wrong a lot - ex’s not him caused that).

We have been together 3.5yrs and married for a couple of months. I feel like we’re in a watershed stage where the things I was too insecure to challenge properly are annoying the hell out of me now I know we’re supposed to have signed up to this “for life”.

I think there was definitely an element of him not trying very hard because he just doesn’t get it and thought I was being a drama queen. Which is very sad but I don’t think he “hates” me and wants me to suffer.

Well, you can only see how it goes and see if it sticks.

Try a notice on the door saying 'Do Not Disturb unless there is a fire...'.