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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my DH Boxing Day

55 replies

newuser12 · 24/12/2018 01:48

Just that really 9 years of being together I cannot take it no more please tell me being single is easier

OP posts:
Lolorolomolo · 24/12/2018 01:50

What’s happening? Can you tell us more?

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 24/12/2018 01:50

Have you children?
Somewhere to go?
Are you able to support yourself financially?
What can’t you take any more?

Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:01

I've been on mumsnet for years funnily enough giving advise to other people but I failed to realise my dh was abusing me, he broke my nose this summer, he has been emotionally abusing me also we have two children that it's starting to impact, luckily my name only is on the house deeds but I am scared I am worried about living in the house on my own with the children when he leaves

OP posts:
Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:02

The last two years he has battered me I have a folder on my iPhone of abuse he has done from tipping drinks over my head, to spitting in my face, breaking my nose they are awful I can't even look at them. My family is aware of it all I know I need to leave but what do I do? I can throw him out but who's to say he won't come back again?

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 24/12/2018 02:06

Have you reported any of these assaults to the police?
Is he the father of your children?

pallisers · 24/12/2018 02:06

End it with him.
Change the locks
Call your local police station and tell them you have a violent husband who might kick off. Tell them he has broken your nose recently and you are worried that if you ask him to leave he might escalate. Tell them you are the only legal tenant of the house. Record this.

He broke your nose. Like seriously no one should live with someone who deliberately broke their nose. That is painful and violent and horrible.

melonscoffer · 24/12/2018 02:11

You have a hard road ahead.
Throw him out and yes he will try to come back.
Things will be in your hands to stop this relationship.
It's hell for a long while.
It's better than the hell you are living now.

Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:12

He's the father of my kids I told my family they didn't really seem bothered I've been suffering with bad anxiety and stress and I only just realised it's him. Tonight he told me I have no friends because I beg them all it wasn't until I spoke to my friend who was in a abusive relationship that I reliased I am too in one

OP posts:
Lolorolomolo · 24/12/2018 02:13

Have you called Women’s Aid helpline, 24 hr, they are good to talk to

Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:15

I've not called anyone I don't know what to do because he says when I leave he will just find me I don't know what to actually do?

OP posts:
Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:16

I have an iPhone camera folder full of things he's done to me from strangling to spitting in my face there is proof going back years to when I was pregnant but he says no one cares

OP posts:
Lolorolomolo · 24/12/2018 02:18

Women’s aid will help you talk it through

Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:20

Thank you I'll call them in the morning yet I still feel awful that I'm leaving but I think he has it in him to kill me by accident I have to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:21

I feel like I am taking his children away by doing this

OP posts:
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 24/12/2018 02:26

Your saving your children lovely and yourself. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to break free.

Can't add to the advice about contact the police and women's aid but just wanted to wish you good luck x

Godowneasy · 24/12/2018 02:27

Why have you chosen Boxing Day to leave him/tell him to leave?

I wonder whether you may be better to leave it a day or two later, to get Xmas out of the way for your children. Also, if you need police assistance or advice etc. it may be much harder to get it, as I would think these services operate on a skeleton staff over the xmas period.

I hope it goes well for you.

Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:32

Thank you I've chosen Boxing Day as Christmas Day he is here with us all and right this minute he's here, but I know he's not boxing day so I'll be going to my nans out of the area and safe until then it's me and him and the kids. I'm so scared because I don't know what to expect I've been with him since I was 15 z

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 24/12/2018 02:32

You ahve made up your mind and no you cannot live like this because he will continue and escalate. Where will it end? With him killing you or hitting the kids?

With that said you do need some real life support for sure. You will feel better once you have spoken with someone and made some strategies for dealing with this major life change. You could call The Rights of Women helpline They will help you address your legal position with husband plus practical issues such as how to live on one income and budget, childcare planning, getting household bills all moved over to you.

I am sorry you are going through this but this is probably the best gift you can give yourself and I wish you success Flowers

middleeasternpromise · 24/12/2018 02:34

If you have kept a folder a small part of you has considered that was is happening isn't OK even if other peoples responses and your own ideas have kept you trying to make it work. Feeling that someone might kill you, is a really important instinct that shouldn't be ignored and do you have some support who can be with you now?. Can I ask why Boxing day? Please call WA they have so much experience due to women telling their stories of long term abuse pre escape and because of that they have built up the expertise to assess risk and offer the right help. So glad you are speaking out, that;s very hard to do if you've been silenced before.

Original poster
newuser12 · 24/12/2018 02:37

Its weird I've kept the folder and added to it but it became normal like what if he kills me? What will it be that kills me? It was only yesterday when my dd who is 4 said mum have you been a bad girl that I realised it needs to stop and we all deserve better

OP posts:
FenellasRedVelvetDress · 24/12/2018 02:39

Why are you leaving him?
Throw the bastard out!
Get the locks changed.
Phone the police and ask for someone to come round as you want to press charges-show them the folder.
Phone women’s aid and get some help.
Get this evil shitty excuse for a man out of your life.
You need to get on official record what he has put you through. He shouldn’t be allowed unsupervised access to the children. Men like this cannot be trusted with kids - they use them in heinous ways to ‘ get back’ at the mother of their children.
If this was me and I was scared for my life well, even in the house I would have something to hand at all times to protect myself and my children. Mace spray ? (Is it legal here??) a rolling pin - anything actually.
Good luck . Keep posting.

melonscoffer · 24/12/2018 02:40

In my experience the threat to come and find you is an empty threat in most cases.
He is controlling you by saying it, thinking it will stop you leaving.
Obviously I do put emphasis on the "in most cases". You know him best to judge his violence..
I would go to the police when you leave. They can put a marker on the address you go to when you're ready.
It means they respond immediately when you call 999 -hopefully-

Polkapjs · 24/12/2018 02:45

You sound stronger than you think you are. Some good advice here - sending strength

ohtheholidays · 24/12/2018 02:48

I promise you you are doing the right thing,I broke up with my abusive ex husband when we had two young DC and my family had no idea what he'd been doing to me and at first my parents sided with him.

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship the more chance there is that he will end up killing you and then he'd be left with your DC you do not want someone like that raising your DC and you are worth so much more than what he's putting you through!

Womens aid are amazing I helped 2 ladies that I know contact the womens aid and they helped them get away from they're abusive husbands.
This is they're number and they show you on there how to keep safe online,make sure your Husband doesn't know what your planning on doing because the violence can escalate when the relationship is coming to an end if the abuser knows that the end is coming.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Just keep going until boxing day,that will be the start of a new life,a better life for you and your DC.

If you speak to Womens aid they can advise you about making sure that your husband can't come near you!

You've got thisFlowersyou've been so brave facing up to what has happened and making steps towards stoping it and just think this time next year your life and your home will be free of the fear and anxiety you've been living with because of this abusive bully.

jessstan2 · 24/12/2018 02:48

Oh you poor thing, you've made the right decision to ditch this horrible, abusive man.

Your 'dd4' has made you realise how bad he is from her childlike perspective.

If you have a support network around you, get out now. I would rather you kick him out & keep your home - please take professional advice.

He might kill you, he has been violent towards you. That is terrible - do you realise exactly how terrible??

I can't think of anything else to say that would be helpful at this unGodly hour but I am terrified for you.

If you make the right decisions over the next few days, you have a future.

Good luck and bless you. [flowersl

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