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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on dealing with married boss.

61 replies

Nothingisgoingtohappen · 23/12/2018 12:32

Name changed for this and I want to kick off this thread by saying NOTHING is going on, but I need advice on handling this the best way and feel free to give me a reality check. Thanks in advance for reading/advising.

I started an awesome job over a year ago and I love it, it's a job I've been wanting a long time and I'm for the most part really happy with it. Boss is male and happily married. Generally good boss and learning a lot.

From early on we got well, all friendly and good. He started conversations with a lot about non-work stuff in the office, especially on lunch when either it was just us or hardly anyone in the office. Some shared interest e.g. reading etc. Would walk past my desk and see something on there and start a conversation about it. Similarly intellectual which started discussions. Harmless stuff and for me, after years of working in stuffy and unfriendly places, it's refreshing to work somewhere that is friendly.

Noticed early on, we sit opposite each other that there was a fair bit of minor flirty behaviour. Things like mimicking body language, looking over whilst pretending to do something else e.g. rubbing eyes, stretching etc. Really, properly looking to me whilst talking, biting lip etc. Will sometimes waves and smile when I come in, has started opening up to me about family situations etc. Been in meetings where I've been sat at the table and I've had my leg up crossed, and I've looked down and he's stretched his foot close to mine. At a meeting the other week he spreadeagled so his foot was almost virtually under my leg. I was sat back so he would have known what he was doing. There have been loads of instances like this, such as putting music on in the office etc.

I don't think it's intentional. He's very happily married and talks about his wife all the time, but I want to have a professional friendship with boss which I don't mind being personal/friendly. For example, for an important meeting with each of staff, he would take others to your high street chain coffee places, but then make a point of taking me to my favourite place (small/niche). Then spent 5 minutes afterwards making the point over and over about how he would take his wife there. This keeps happening e.g. flirting followed up by finding a way to make a connection/tell a story about his wife. Sometimes for the bizarrest things - e.g. flirty behaviour followed at some point after by a story about his wife who once experienced something. Or I showed my wife this and she thought this etc.

I'm finding this confusing to deal with. I think it's find to naturally get on with someone but I don't have romantic feelings for him or want to pursue anything and by the way he talks about his wife, neither does he (aside from the fact it would be wrong). I researched advice on the internet and I decided to keep things aloof and professional at work. I started sitting closer to my desk (literally every time I move or lift my arm he mimics) and avoiding too much personal conversation or eye contact. He was really, visibly annoyed for a couple of days, I got hauled in about another work matter that he really bollocked me over - another colleague was there and was surprised. Then he switched to being nicer later in the week, but kept trying to start conversation with me e.g. if I played music or "nice t-shirt" (to be fair it was Christmas t-shirt/jumper day) but he doesn't address others with that. At the Christmas party we were in a shot together and he twiddled his fingers on my shoulders, kept joining me for conversations including walking up and winking etc. Then will back off and a little bit later start talking about his wife.

This is the first time I've written all of this out and I can understand on reading back it looks like I'm reading too much into things, but I'm feeling a bit deflated and like I need to quit an awesome job. When he brought his wife and daughter into the office, his wife gave me a dirty look initially, but I tried to be super friendly/nice, he was looking at me a lot. I got a bit fed up and rolled my eyes later and went for 5 mins in the kitchen to cool off. He followed me out and I just pretended to be organising something and didn't say anything.

Considering leaving job but also realise this might all sound ridiculous - please give me the reality check I clearly need or some advice.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2018 12:40

He wants an affair but also wants to be a nice guy

Nothingisgoingtohappen · 23/12/2018 12:42

Also - don't want to drip feed but if it helps with context. Nothing to do with me, but his DW is known for calling him several times a day, not letting him go out, telling him off if back late from work/work social event, not often allowed to spend time with friends/made to feel guilty about it, cut off from his family etc who he was close to because of feuds involving her (I think it's both sides though), has to tell her everyone who's in the car on work trip if she calls, has to answer phone straight away or apologise etc etc. Don't want to pin her as crazy because that's not fair - don't know other side of story. Every other opinion he has is her's - regularly will share to everyone what she thinks about something. So I think there is an element of maybe loneliness etc there/looking for friendships at work, so I don't want to be a total cow.

OP posts:
stabulous · 23/12/2018 12:46

I'm sorry it looks like you're going to need to leave your job. He likes to flirt and if you rebuff he calls you into his office for a bollocking? That's an abuse of power.

He should be keeping things professional but clearly doesn't know how as he has a wandering eye. If his wife calls him so much he might have form for this. I'd be looking for a new job in the new year. I'm sorry. 🌺

Dirtybadger · 23/12/2018 12:48

He was putting his foot up your leg? Gross! I would be talking to HR. For 2 reasons.

  1. So it stops!
  2. So that if he starts taking it out on you when you continue to give him more of a cold shoulder, HR have been forewarned and he will look like the bad guy not you!!

Whether he wants an affair or not, he is making you feel uncomfortable at work and it's not okay.

cheesywotnots · 23/12/2018 12:51

He sounds a bit of a jerk, discussing his wife in front of colleagues, how would you like it if you were his wife. I'd ignore his silly game, stop flirting, stop listening to spiteful comments about his wife.

halfwitpicker · 23/12/2018 12:51

I don't think it's intentional.

^

Confused

Er, it is.

DramaAlpaca · 23/12/2018 12:56

If course his behaviour is intentional. If he wasn't flirting with you he'd be doing it with someone else, probably your replacement if you leave. Which you should.

Nothingisgoingtohappen · 23/12/2018 12:57

I just want to cry. I feel like I've been holding it in and imagining it. I get anxious and read too much into things and have been doubting my opinion because of how much and in how much detail he talks about his wife. Thought my judgement was off. There are other things but don't want to be too identifying. I feel for him because maybe his dw has cut him off from people but he doesn't see/feel about it like that and defends her (this is from one conversation by the way and I don't like hearing about it and hinted it because it's not like I can give an honest opinion) but I care about anyone being a shit situation and will listen/offer advice.

To above poster his foot wasn't touching my leg, was just moved under/by my outstretched crossed legs.

OP posts:
BlokeHereInPeace · 23/12/2018 12:59

Completely inappropriate behaviour.

cheesywotnots · 23/12/2018 13:03

Why do you feel for him because his wife might have cut him off from his friends, he is a grown man, his marriage is nothing to do with you and he shouldn't be discussing it with you, especially if he thinks you fancy him. Serious either tell him to back off or get yourself another job. Perhaps he has form and tells his wife about the girls at work who flirt with him. If he is angst he can see a marriage counsellor.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 13:07

Sounds like he's got form for office shenanigans and his wife is aware.

Back off, OP and keep things professional. Contact HR if he persists in being over friendly (he is certainly oversharing about his private life).

QuentinWinters · 23/12/2018 13:09

Of course he knows what he's doing. And he has form, which is why his wife calls him all day.
He's being subtle to see if you bite, I.e. don't move away when he puts his leg near you. He's pushing your boundaries.
Personally I don't think you need to leave but you do need to reevaluate how you see him (He's a player, not a nice guy, and he does this a lot, not just to you). And you need to protect yourself. Either by going t9 HR, by keeping a lot of incidents or by calling him out when he pushes your boundaries.
Good luck. You've done nothing wrong here. He's an idiot.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 13:10

Haha cross post @cheesywotnots

SandyY2K · 23/12/2018 13:10

He doesn't sound like a nice man and he is unprofessional.

Talking about his wife is a smokescreen. Her behaviour is possibly a sign of him stepping out in the past...so he has to jump to her every whim.

It would make me want to find another job...but it's very wrong that he's making you feel like that.

MMmomDD · 23/12/2018 13:14

OP - to me it reads not as dramatic and/or dire.
He does seem to have a soft spot for you. And is flirting somewhat.
But it’s not at all clear to me why it gives you so much anxiety.
You notice the littlest things - like how he mimics some hand movements? Really?

Is it really the first time a man flirts and you aren’t interested? It’s not the end of the world and easy to tune out and laugh it off.
He isn’t really being a jerk. Hasn’t crossed any lines.
If he gets close to those lines - you can just smile at him and tell him not to ‘go Harvey’ and he’ll run scared.

Don’t put yourself into a victim place. Just do your job and be friendly. Tune out things you aren’t intersted in as you would with any boring conversations.
And stop watching him, and analysing his every step around you.
At times - all of these descriptions sounded like you actually secretly liked him but tried to convince yourself you didn’t.

Quitting a job you like because someone has a crush on you - is silly. It’s totally manageable.

TemptressofWaikiki · 23/12/2018 13:17

That sounds actually a bit sinister, as in a blatant abuse of power. He is forcing intimacy on you and bullying you when you try to keep a professional distance. Talking about his wife and private matters is totally inappropriate too. That doesn't mean he is faithful and devoted to her but actually muddying the waters and prepping you for office wifey! It is blatant sexual harassment but in a very insidious way! Bet he has form for being an office letch! Can you sound out some employees you have been there longer? If possible, voice your concerns to HR to pre-empt any further intimidation when you try to establish professional boundaries. I think you may have to speak up, saying that you feel a bit uncomfortable. That way, you make it clear you know what he is doing and he can’t pretend it is just accidental anymore. A very awkward situation and will only get more stressful if you do not address it.

Heartofglass21 · 23/12/2018 13:26

Sounds as if he is lining you up to be his work wife, but making sure you are aware that he is actually offering nothing but perhaps a shag every now and again, by mentioning his wife at every turn. Are you in a union? I would speak to my union rep about this low level harassment. I would also ensure that every interaction I have with him is entirely professional. If he tries to play footsie again in a meeting, call him out on it. Oh yes, and stop watching him and analysing his every move. He's aware of this, and that's why he thinks you're a contender for the honour of work wife status.

halfwitpicker · 23/12/2018 13:27

You could call his bluff and flirt back. Chances are he'd be scared and run a mile.

stabulous · 23/12/2018 13:29

@halfwitpicker and set herself up for a possible meeting with HR, bad idea. 🙄

cheesywotnots · 23/12/2018 13:35

Maybe it might be better not to sit anywhere near him in meetings and suggest that the coffee outings stop, why can't that be held in the office. He's playing games, don't get dragged into it, don't sit at home worrying about him, he's at home with his wife and family, don't waste your energy.

prettywhiteguitar · 23/12/2018 13:36

I recon he’s done it before and that’s why his wife is on his back. As for you do you want to have to put up with his frankly unprofessional behaviour? Is there another company you can move to ? Or you could call him out on it ? That probably takes a bit more experience to get right but it can be done without getting the sack

halfwitpicker · 23/12/2018 13:43

@halfwitpicker and set herself up for a possible meeting with HR, bad idea. 🙄

^

So what do you suggest then eh?

Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 13:45

This guy is used to do things like this . Steer clear he will hurt you and move on to the next new recruit .

stabulous · 23/12/2018 13:46

@halfwitpicker not making it worse by flirting is a good start.

Try actual helpful suggestions dear.

Gina2012 · 23/12/2018 13:48

I feel for him because maybe his dw has cut him off from people but he doesn't see/feel about it like that and defends her (this is from one conversation by the way and I don't like hearing about it and hinted it because it's not like I can give an honest opinion) but I care about anyone being a shit situation and will listen/offer advice.

Get over yourself. Stop interacting with him

The man is a lothario. His poor wife is trying to keep their marriage together

Back right off and grow up, OP

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