Advice on dealing with married boss.

[Nothingisgoingtohappen]

Name changed for this and I want to kick off this thread by saying NOTHING is going on, but I need advice on handling this the best way and feel free to give me a reality check. Thanks in advance for reading/advising.

I started an awesome job over a year ago and I love it, it's a job I've been wanting a long time and I'm for the most part really happy with it. Boss is male and happily married. Generally good boss and learning a lot.

From early on we got well, all friendly and good. He started conversations with a lot about non-work stuff in the office, especially on lunch when either it was just us or hardly anyone in the office. Some shared interest e.g. reading etc. Would walk past my desk and see something on there and start a conversation about it. Similarly intellectual which started discussions. Harmless stuff and for me, after years of working in stuffy and unfriendly places, it's refreshing to work somewhere that is friendly.

Noticed early on, we sit opposite each other that there was a fair bit of minor flirty behaviour. Things like mimicking body language, looking over whilst pretending to do something else e.g. rubbing eyes, stretching etc. Really, properly looking to me whilst talking, biting lip etc. Will sometimes waves and smile when I come in, has started opening up to me about family situations etc. Been in meetings where I've been sat at the table and I've had my leg up crossed, and I've looked down and he's stretched his foot close to mine. At a meeting the other week he spreadeagled so his foot was almost virtually under my leg. I was sat back so he would have known what he was doing. There have been loads of instances like this, such as putting music on in the office etc.

I don't think it's intentional. He's very happily married and talks about his wife all the time, but I want to have a professional friendship with boss which I don't mind being personal/friendly. For example, for an important meeting with each of staff, he would take others to your high street chain coffee places, but then make a point of taking me to my favourite place (small/niche). Then spent 5 minutes afterwards making the point over and over about how he would take his wife there. This keeps happening e.g. flirting followed up by finding a way to make a connection/tell a story about his wife. Sometimes for the bizarrest things - e.g. flirty behaviour followed at some point after by a story about his wife who once experienced something. Or I showed my wife this and she thought this etc.

I'm finding this confusing to deal with. I think it's find to naturally get on with someone but I don't have romantic feelings for him or want to pursue anything and by the way he talks about his wife, neither does he (aside from the fact it would be wrong). I researched advice on the internet and I decided to keep things aloof and professional at work. I started sitting closer to my desk (literally every time I move or lift my arm he mimics) and avoiding too much personal conversation or eye contact. He was really, visibly annoyed for a couple of days, I got hauled in about another work matter that he really bollocked me over - another colleague was there and was surprised. Then he switched to being nicer later in the week, but kept trying to start conversation with me e.g. if I played music or "nice t-shirt" (to be fair it was Christmas t-shirt/jumper day) but he doesn't address others with that. At the Christmas party we were in a shot together and he twiddled his fingers on my shoulders, kept joining me for conversations including walking up and winking etc. Then will back off and a little bit later start talking about his wife.

This is the first time I've written all of this out and I can understand on reading back it looks like I'm reading too much into things, but I'm feeling a bit deflated and like I need to quit an awesome job. When he brought his wife and daughter into the office, his wife gave me a dirty look initially, but I tried to be super friendly/nice, he was looking at me a lot. I got a bit fed up and rolled my eyes later and went for 5 mins in the kitchen to cool off. He followed me out and I just pretended to be organising something and didn't say anything.

Considering leaving job but also realise this might all sound ridiculous - please give me the reality check I clearly need or some advice.

I'm laughing at you because you've been an idiot and fallen for his lies. Perhaps he has told his wife that you are a tart who keeps flirting with him and that is why you got a dirty look. Think about it if he is saying that about his wife, what is he saying about you? I would not like his behaviour, he sounds like a sleaze and unprofessional for a boss.

Trust your gut on this one. He sounds like control freak. Play it cool and get on with your work.

I would say keep it professional but cover your back as well. If there is any problem he will throw you under the bus without any compunction.

Don't get dragged into a pile of nonsense with a married guy. Dial everything back to communicating about work and work only.

Just to update. Had a good breather over Christmas. Have done a couple of business trips alone together and it’s been mostly fine. He doesn’t cross the line in stereotypically sleazy ways e.g. trying to spend more time alone with me on work trips, asking about personal things etc.

Been trying to work from home a bit more. Have been told in the past I can as long as drop a quick message giving him a heads up. I usually do it a couple of times a month. Since things got awkward tried to request it (early evening) and got one email straight back quizzing me why and doing what, and then another one shortly after saying he wanted me in to tell me about a piece of work in the morning and that then he’d be in meetings all day, so I had to come in. He asked me if I really had to work from home, I said no just thought it was a good idea I work from home that day.

The work wasn’t urgent and could have been emailed. I’ve put a picture of me and new bf on desk. He randomly dropped into this “urgent” chat that it was a nice picture (he’s seen it before). Probably setting boundaries on his part but it’s just left me feeling a bit claustrophobic at work. I sit directly in his eyeline where every time I move, he mimics it (a pp said I was overanalysing but if you’ve sat opposite someone who does this, you’d know!!), he puts love songs on the music system when it’s just us in the office and sings out loud to them. All of it can be explained innocently but just finding it a bit intense.

Sorry I sound like a complete loser. He honestly says constant things about his wife e.g. "X things this" or "X does this" all the time.

He sounds absolutely horrific. And how do you know that what he tells you about his wife is true?
This is a bad situation and you need to remove yourself from it ASAP

Sorry if this has already been suggested.

If you want to stay in this role, you need to handle carefully.

This is what I'd do (and have done.)
Start a conversation (an ideal opener from him is "get up to anything this weekend?")
Tell him you spent all day Saturday with your BFF. She's really worried about her job role because her boss has recently started becoming too over-friendly and it's making her really uncomfortable. She doesn't want to approach HR because it would throw a bomb into the team dynamics, but you encouraged her that she needs to do that if it becomes unprofessional. Surely no experienced professional manager would be surprised at that?! Would you, boss?

Before you do this, document EVERYTHING that has happened. If he goes down the "I'm bollocking you for something you don't deserve route", then you know you need to a) go to HR and b) change job. A) because he can't be allowed to think he can get away with this (and by his wife's reactions he almost certainly has done previously) and b) because it will never be the same again.

If he's smart, he'll take your offered "out" and say "Oh gosh no, that's shocking, how terrible" and stop biting his fucking lip like a teenage model and concentrate on his fucking job instead.

BTW how is his performance? It's perfectly possible HR or his line manager are just dying to sack him.

Alternative strategy. Go talk to his line manager and ask her/him "What would you do in this hypothetical situation that MY FRIEND told me about?" then list everything that's happened including the favourtism toward you (that must surely be affecting the office dynamic?)

Go talk to his line manager and ask her/him

Present this as "I'm a manager and I'd really like some advice on this." Not as a friend.

Quickly reading, posting and running - he says only lovely/nice things about his wife all the time.

Will respond to comments properly - on the go!

Most worrying part here .... he switched to mr nasty when you didn't play ball. Watch out for that! Can he get you fired/trash your reputation?
Yes, he veered into sexual harassment territory there. It is an abuse of power.

You say you are not passive. So say this .

Hey ( name) are things ok at home, because get any closer and I'll be believing your not getting enough attention at home ? ! ! ! ! ( Have a lighthearted, slightly incredulous attitude ) Then if it happens again - ' Oh here we go again !