Advice on dealing with married boss.

[Nothingisgoingtohappen]

Name changed for this and I want to kick off this thread by saying NOTHING is going on, but I need advice on handling this the best way and feel free to give me a reality check. Thanks in advance for reading/advising.

I started an awesome job over a year ago and I love it, it's a job I've been wanting a long time and I'm for the most part really happy with it. Boss is male and happily married. Generally good boss and learning a lot.

From early on we got well, all friendly and good. He started conversations with a lot about non-work stuff in the office, especially on lunch when either it was just us or hardly anyone in the office. Some shared interest e.g. reading etc. Would walk past my desk and see something on there and start a conversation about it. Similarly intellectual which started discussions. Harmless stuff and for me, after years of working in stuffy and unfriendly places, it's refreshing to work somewhere that is friendly.

Noticed early on, we sit opposite each other that there was a fair bit of minor flirty behaviour. Things like mimicking body language, looking over whilst pretending to do something else e.g. rubbing eyes, stretching etc. Really, properly looking to me whilst talking, biting lip etc. Will sometimes waves and smile when I come in, has started opening up to me about family situations etc. Been in meetings where I've been sat at the table and I've had my leg up crossed, and I've looked down and he's stretched his foot close to mine. At a meeting the other week he spreadeagled so his foot was almost virtually under my leg. I was sat back so he would have known what he was doing. There have been loads of instances like this, such as putting music on in the office etc.

I don't think it's intentional. He's very happily married and talks about his wife all the time, but I want to have a professional friendship with boss which I don't mind being personal/friendly. For example, for an important meeting with each of staff, he would take others to your high street chain coffee places, but then make a point of taking me to my favourite place (small/niche). Then spent 5 minutes afterwards making the point over and over about how he would take his wife there. This keeps happening e.g. flirting followed up by finding a way to make a connection/tell a story about his wife. Sometimes for the bizarrest things - e.g. flirty behaviour followed at some point after by a story about his wife who once experienced something. Or I showed my wife this and she thought this etc.

I'm finding this confusing to deal with. I think it's find to naturally get on with someone but I don't have romantic feelings for him or want to pursue anything and by the way he talks about his wife, neither does he (aside from the fact it would be wrong). I researched advice on the internet and I decided to keep things aloof and professional at work. I started sitting closer to my desk (literally every time I move or lift my arm he mimics) and avoiding too much personal conversation or eye contact. He was really, visibly annoyed for a couple of days, I got hauled in about another work matter that he really bollocked me over - another colleague was there and was surprised. Then he switched to being nicer later in the week, but kept trying to start conversation with me e.g. if I played music or "nice t-shirt" (to be fair it was Christmas t-shirt/jumper day) but he doesn't address others with that. At the Christmas party we were in a shot together and he twiddled his fingers on my shoulders, kept joining me for conversations including walking up and winking etc. Then will back off and a little bit later start talking about his wife.

This is the first time I've written all of this out and I can understand on reading back it looks like I'm reading too much into things, but I'm feeling a bit deflated and like I need to quit an awesome job. When he brought his wife and daughter into the office, his wife gave me a dirty look initially, but I tried to be super friendly/nice, he was looking at me a lot. I got a bit fed up and rolled my eyes later and went for 5 mins in the kitchen to cool off. He followed me out and I just pretended to be organising something and didn't say anything.

Considering leaving job but also realise this might all sound ridiculous - please give me the reality check I clearly need or some advice.

Thank you - some really sage advice here.

I think the reason for some pp's comments why I'm communicating so strongly here is because I haven't spoken to anyone about it and I just needed to get it out - so I can totally understand why it sounds more dramatic here.

When I say I feel for him, I would the same for anyone being in a situation. He hasn't opened up and told me all of these things, I know it because I work closely with him and have seen it, so I'm putting two and two together.

It's really helpful to see it from the perspective that actually he's not being nice. I don't think necessarily he fancies me but maybe a work wife type thing. The advice has helped me see it in a more practical way, that it's not in my head and I'm going to figure out a way to be professional and friendly but also think about it less. Then see how it goes over the next 6 months.

FYI I'm senior not junior and would be able to move to somewhere else, I don't want to though.

If anything he's had plenty of opportunities if he wanted to make a more ballsy hit on me and hasn't, so it could all be nothing. If anything chats are sometimes like talking when are you buying your first house and him saying he wishes he had more time with dw in new house before kids came - but I don't think that's out of line.

Someone said above that he takes me off premises for coffee meetings - that happened once.

Yes, bending over further usually helps. Just keep quiet. It'll all just go away.

Passive women are just what we need.

Oh, I am not passive.

I'm just trying to be smart and maintain a working relationship e.g. Try jokingly picking up on some of the behaviour.

You are giving this man a lot of headspace, OP. You shouldn't have to be thinking of ways to manage his behaviour. He is not your friend - just someone you work with.

I think you are reading too much into his behaviour. This happened in our office. Boss was a friendly type and tried to be nice and thoughtful towards staff (all female). A few women however interpreted this as him being flirtatious when actually he was just being kind and supportive. So sad that when men behave thoughtfully people think there is an ulterior motive....

Yeah I have given it too much headspace and been trying to change that. I care a lot about work and find it difficult to ignore.

Try and find a new job . This guy is abusing his power if he tells you off because you don’t want to play his stupid games . He sounds like he has done this before which is why his wife is on edge . The poor woman probably realises he hits on his staff and abuses his power at work ...

@Mudcity, yeah. Maybe.

His wife doesn't trust him, from what you've described. And rest assured she'll have her reasons for that.

He is very inappropriate. It seems he is only being a 'nice guy' when you are going along with his flirting.
I'd keep track of everything he does that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is no reason to leave a job you love, you've just as much right to be there as him. Try and collect evidence of his inappropriateness, incase you decide to go to HR at some point.

Like Tweety says I think he has down this before as his wife is so on edge and wary. Sounds like you're playing it well OP. Keep it cool and don't worry if he sulks a bit. You don't need to do what he wants except work!. It would be a shame to leave a job you love because he's a flirt who can't stop

Why do you feel bad for him? He sounds like he's done this before and I'd fishing for it again? I feel sorry for his wife.

His wife’s behaviour is the clue here - I reckon he’s got form for this inappropriate behaviour at the very least, perhaps more. He could have mentionitis about you at home - she’s on high alert to his shenanigans.

I wouldn't feel sorry for him!! He has probably done this before and his wife knows what he's like but maybe because of finances or just the family situation she doesn't want to break the family up for the sake of her kids and wants to reign him in and make him stronger but he isn't really doing a good job supporting her.

He is crossing boundaries with all the leg stuff. It's not overthinking it's abuse of power. You wouldn't stand for it if it was a junior so why take it if it's the boss?

Maybe next time he does in appropriate things say out loud can you move you leg please? Or oh no what's that! Oh it's your leg please keep it to your own side. He might get nasty so that's when you report him or sadly will want to change jobs.

He TOTALLY has form! She's caught him red handed before. Probably a work place emotional affair, possibly more. But she's definitely got her antennae up. And with good reason!

At the moment he's trying to gauge you. How up for blurring the lines you might be. And theres an entitlement there, hence his strop when you became.....what, simply a professional doing your job???

Bollocks is it unintentional and bollocks is he happily married. I'd be mortified if my husband was biting his goddamn lip listening to a woman or stretching his legs underneath hers. I'd cringe for him too.

You have to keep this bloke at arms length.

Agree with others, he is teeing you up for an affair, but mentioning his wife because "it will just be our fun, no one will be hurt". If a guy at worked tried the trick with his leg and I liked him / wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would remind him he wasn't at home with - name of his DW - now. The way you describe this makes you sound pretty junior. Don't feel sorry for him, pity his DW.

I would not quit. Tell him he is manspreading if he encroaches on your space. Be friendly but in a remote way. Try and minimise the amount of time you spend with him. Reduce the chats about books etc. I don't think he will make a move on you, he would have done it already. I do think he was testing the waters though.

Shame to leave a job over this.

@LadyLapsang - yeah probably sound junior because I'm shit at anything to do with people/understanding personal relationships/dynamics.

Really helpful advice for practically dealing in the future, thanks.

I think what threw me was the constant talking about and evident closeness with his wife that I thought I was being irrational/overreacting. This really helps and I'll be doing some of the tips here to put a stop to it. Do feel silly for getting into a situation like this but if it helps I work on a trendy sector where there is a lot of closeness in work relationships so it's hard to draw the line.

I wouldn’t quit, either, not over a workplace sleaze who keeps encroaching on your space and doing moves out of the Mr Obvious Bumper Book of Lip-Biting and Footsie.

Obviously, you can’t change his behaviour, though HR is the obvious next step, with a diary of quantifiable inappropriate behaviour, dates etc.

However, I must say, OP, that from your posts you sound very innocent, somewhat naive, and as though you have had your head slightly turned by his flirtatiousness.

Mentioning his wife all the time is an obvious way of reminding you that he’s married and ‘safe’ when he does something unprofessional or overly-personal — it also puts you in your place, and puts you in implicit competition. You seem to have swallowed the controlling wife narrative hook, line and sinker, without thinking that perhaps she’s seen a long line of inappropriate behaviour among naive new female employees, and is thinking ‘Oh Christ, here’s the latest one.’

I think what alarms me most about your posts is how much noticing you have been doing of all this winking and leg stretching and lip-biting, and how you’ve constructed it into a narrative of a lonely man whose wife controls him and who is reaching out to someone he feels a dawning kinship with — whereas it sounds more workplace Benny Hill to me. Don’t be the stooge here, OP.

He hasn’t actually crossed a line yet, not really. Lots of men flirt & try it on married or not. Could be he likes you whilst wanting to remain faithful to his wife but is putting out enough signals for you to notice how he feels about you & hoping you’ll initiate things. In future don’t go to lengths to describe your fav places, things, with him & don’t hang around making idle chit chat in places where you can be alone together, leave the room & make an excuse to be busy. There’s a lot you can do to distance yourself from him without being intentially rude. He hasn’t actually run down his wife to you or told you that he’s lonely so maybe it’s in your mind, you say you’ve been a bit down lately. Do not leave your job & try not to make this such a huge issue in your mind, stop nit picking & dwelling on this & focus on other areas of your life then if this goes no further it will not remain this huge problem, obviously if he does overstep the mark then you can take action. Distance yourself as much as possible or start talking to him about a boyfriend or partner you have so he gets the message.

It does sound like he fancys you and he may get the vibe you fancy him too. Men are a bit like that when you have things in common with them.
It sounds like he's testing the waters to see if you will start flirting with him and flatter his ego.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable I would just have a word with him and if he's an arse about it then go to hr.
Doesn't mean he wants an affair. He may be just likes having someone he gets along with and is developing a little crush on you. Doesn't seem drastic.

Sounds rather a lot like my ex boss. Presented himself as Mr Integrity, happily married, family man. In reality he was pursuing any woman he took a fancy to. Some women fell/were coerced to fall for his 'charms'. One lie made many, his wife found out and started acting in the way the DW is acting in the OP. Eventually the whole house of cards fell down hence him being ex boss as he was fired.

As others have said, don't be his next prey (he sounds predatory). Keep all instructions from him in writing even if that means emailing back after conversations 'just to confirm'. IME someone who cheats in one way won't be above cheating in others.

He's got form as long as your arm, that's why his wife is anxious.

Form a HR perspective...there's not enough to deem this harassment.

There's just nothing overt enough to pursue. The way I'd deal with it...would be

1. Ignore it and stay professional

1. Tell him quietly that it makes you feel uncomfortable........but you need to be specific about what you say is uncomfortable ...because right now it's all subjective and perhaps could be explained away and you'd look like the crazy one.

Most worrying part here .... he switched to mr nasty when you didn't play ball. Watch out for that! Can he get you fired/trash your reputation?