Should I stay!?

[Newmummy20181]

Hi, so it is my first time posting on here and looking for a bit of advice!

My DD is 10 weeks old, absolutely in love with her but having so many issues with my partner and have no support as my family live 90minutes away.

My partner had a month off on paternity leave during which he didn’t help out at all, his idea of helping is just holding the baby. He got up after 10am everyday and didn’t/doesn’t help with getting her ready, changing nappies or even with the house work! I pretty much feel like a single mum. On top of this he calls our daughter a ‘little shit’ he says it’s a term of endearment but after having told him I don’t want him speaking to her like that he still does it and if I try and say please don’t he tells me to shut up ( which he says is a joke ). He doesn’t bother getting to figure out what she wants or needs he is more interested in watching tv and would much rather put DD the sofa and not interact than take the time to bond with her. There are other bits but it’s too long to explain.

I’m also keen to move back to where my family is, we are very close and they’re very hands on. I spent my whole pregnancy pretty much with my family as my partner and I originally met in my home town 5 years ago before he decided to move to Surrey but didn’t want me to move with him at the time.. so I stayed in Berkshire. But when I discuss us all moving back he tells me it isn’t happening and that I’d never be able to afford a house back home so good luck trying. Really he just does what he wants so long as he is happy.

I’ve been thinking of giving it a few months to see if he improves, it’s a big life change and not sure if I’m over reacting. If things don’t improve by the time she is 5 months I’m think I’m going to have to leave him! Anyway my question is am I overrating, should I be thinking of leaving him, or should I give him longer than 5months?

He doesn't seem to care about you (or your dd) very much does he? Calling a tiny baby a little shit is pretty horrible.

I think move in with your parents temporarily if possible. Give yourself and him some space. It's not the time to be making life-changing decisions if you can help it, imo.

If it helps, I know a pair of loving parents who frequently referred to their baby son as a dickhead in the early days when he was unsettled. They genuinely did mean it as a joke. Also, many men find it hard to bond with newborns. You may find he gets more hands on as baby gets older.

My daughter is now a 3.5 years old and my partner was exactly the same! We've been on and off for some time now, but one things for sure I can't shake off how he behaved as a dad. I'm going to leave permanently and wish I had done years ago! I'm young enough to start again and that is what I shall do! If it's eating away at you now, it will forever. And if you want more children I can ensure his behaviour would have scarred you enough this time that you won't want more with him! xxx

Well the issue is @festivenut i have repeatedly asked him not to call her this.. the more I seem to ask the more he does it! We’ve just got back to the flat after been away from 4 days and he is been overly nice so I’m interested to see if/when his behaviour reverts back.

@HollyLM I’m not sure if I can get over it. Even now when Ive asked him to use nappy cream when changing her esp at night and I just get an eye roll and told she’ll be fine or thinking it would be ok to take her outside in her car seat in just a Shortsleeved vest on a cold night but it would be ok if she had a blanket on - he also told me this after he allowed her to slide down on the sofa sideways so she was wedged between him and the sofa when she had barely any head control but thought it was funny - I had to explain the risks of doing this. But somehow I’m always left feeling like I’m crazy or overreacting

As an outsider I would say leave... even though my partner hasn't done what yours has, he hasn't been far off. With my daughter now 3.5 it hasn't changed! I'm 30 and would love more children in the future but I can't do this again with him! I do worry I won't meet anyone new but hey!

I feel exactly the same about my OH @HollyLM - would love more children as I come from a big family and enjoyed pregnancy (even with the sickness everyday for whole 9months) and love being a mum but just don’t think I could do it with him... the man left me alone in labour to watch a film in another room and not 3days after she was born wasn’t even helping getting her ready or at the very least making sure I was ok, not to mention I have a really hard time leaving her with him as he is very much a child should have to bend to his will type.

..... it's so hard isn't it, because of all the emotions attached. But honestly everything you just said, I feel your pain! I've been there and I'm still living it. He didn't even get up Xmas day to see our DD open her presents because he was too tired! I'm 100% leaving in the next week or so! If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? I can't wait to have more children one day! Even if it takes 10 years to meet the right person and have another at 40! xxx

It’s a joke if you think it’s funny but I don’t. It’s disgusting to refer to a baby as a little shit.

@HollyLM I am a 29 so very similar to you, OH didn’t wrap the presents he got DD or help put up a Christmas tree so in the end we done this around my sisters. And I couldnt agree more all the emotions attached just make it that bit harder and the doubt as well if leaving is the right thing, I just want the best for my little girl and to be happy! I’m glad you have found the strength to leave, I think I’ll be doing the same as I didn’t want to do this over Christmas.

@Thespace, I definitely don’t find it funny at all, the way he speaks to her is what set me over the edge! She is my little princess, my love so I don’t understand how he could say such things and certainly make this known.. however just as I think he won’t say it again he does and to be honest I do not want her growing up thinking daddy speaks to me like that so I should allow others to do the same! So I need to protect her from that.

Can you go and stay with your parents for a while to have some thinking space?

...I've spent a lot of time at my mums, as it's his house we live in. Hence my fear of leaving as I don't have a place of my own at the moment. But, there's no reason why I can't in time, just need to save a bit more etc! It will all work out as things always do in the end. But honestly, my advice would be to leave. Especially if it's a big family you want in the future. Don't be like me and waste another 3.5 years! My feelings in that time haven't changed, I've clung on for my DD and I've learnt it's the wrong thing to do! Go and find someone lovely and caring who will look after any children of yours in the way they should and most importantly help and respect you all. This is what I want to achieve in time! I know it's hard trust me, it breaks my heart.. but it's the right thing to do! We need to show our DD how women should be treated and how much 'self worth' matters! Xxx

You’re not overreacting at all. Don’t give him 5 months. Why should you wait around for him to get his arse up, all the while making you more miserable by the day. If he’s making you miserable and you have told him and he thinks it’s still okay, see if you can go back home with your baby. Even if it’s thinking space. Enjoy your baby girl and only do what makes you and your daughter happy

@HollyLM I hope it works out for you Hun and that you find the strength to permanently leave. Just had a long talk with OH who has promised to improve but contradicted himself on so many things when it came to me expressing to live near family.. to long to write but at least for the first time I can see it clearly.

Either way even if he does improve can I honestly say I’ll ever be happy with him.. especially when I’ve compromised on so much.. probably not.. just living as half a person instead of been with someone who hears me when I speak to them and says ok the person I love isnt happy she needs her support network let us move closer to that network!

If you don’t trust him enough to leave the baby with him, I think that says it all

He doesn't care about you or your new baby girl. In fact hes probably jealous of her. Letting her slide down the sofa like that and dismissing it as nothing made me so angry for you! He doesnt do bugger all to help? Seriously leave the fucker. Go back to your loving family. You'll regret wasting precious time in the future if you stay. Good luck to you and your girl

@crystalize, I so very wish I could leave but at the moment the fear that he’ll try and take me to court over our DD to spite me is honestly what scares me. That he’ll try stop me from moving in with my family (as he knows it’s the only place I can go) and the he’ll just make it impossible for me! I say this however his actions don’t point to someone who’d want even 50/50 contact - today he got frustrated within minutes because he was trying to watch a movie and DD didn’t want to be sitting in his arms watching a screen and even now he is currently still up watching tv and will be up well after 10 tomorrow most likely! But still I think he sees her as a possession and it is this that is getting me to stay, but I can’t stay like this as I think I’ll just end up having a breakdown and been no good for DD anyway, well not no good but not as present as I’d like to be.

Sadly my mum done exactly the same stayed with my dad way longer than she should have for myself and sisters yet in the end we told her to divorce as we always saw how bad the relationship was.. probably the reason why I don’t expect more but I don’t want that for DD

As for any help, oh he will ask me if I need help after it’s clear that I have already sorted DD.

I managed to get two loads of washing done, hang out to dry and fold all our clothes, cook breakfast, get DD washed, changed, fed (EBF) and settling her as she has been especially clingy today, plus every last nappy change, get myself ready and all he has done is warmed some food from yesterday not even done the dishes as promised baring in mind he wasn’t at work and this is how he is.

Hi newmummy, sod it if he tries to take you to court. You cant let fear make you stay, of course there'll be difficult times when you leave, thats part of the healing process. He sounds like my ex from 20 years ago. I was so vulnerable back then, I left when baby was 4 months old. Believe me from someone whos been there, he won't change. He will probably beg and promise, then turn nasty.

I'll also promise you'll look back in the future and feel repulsed that you were with him!

One thing I did that started to change the horrible verbal abuse once I left.. is completely ignored him. I just hung up when he was ranting one day as something inside me switched off... I continued to hang up and blank for about 3 months. Threats of court etc (he was a solicitor)i couldn't care less i felt so powerful. Told my mum if she mentioned him I wouldnt speak to her too! Gradually the asshole started speaking more respectfully. However in future if he raised his voice or swore at me etc I would blank him again.

Don't try and make him see how his behaviour affects you emotionally. It's impossible for him to have that kind of empathy. A complete waste of time. Start switching off. Ignore. Even if you're squirming inside. Put yrself and precious baba first.

Don't think long term, just go and stay with family for a while and get some headspace

Go and stay with family for a week.
See how you both feel after that.
He may be relieved you are gone, or he may miss you terribly and realises he needs to change.
You may find you don’t want to go back or you may be willing to with counseling.

@HollyLM, did you end up leaving?

DP and I spoke the other day and he said he’ll improve, also said about looking to move closer to my family to which he said he can’t promise anything. I’m going to give it another month to see if he improves and how I feel, part of me worries that damage is already done and can’t be fixed.. can someone really change from been that selfish and manipulative to considerate, time can only tell! All I know is I do not want to spend years been unhappy.

Don't wait, leave today. Don't tell him you're going. Just go.

He sounds vile. Be with your family instead.

also said about looking to move closer to my family to which he said he can’t promise anything

That's shorthand for 'I'm not going to do anything about it but will string you along into thinking it's a possibility'.

Keep a diary now (make sure he doesn't find it - keep it password protected) of everything he does and doesn't do with the baby. He sounds really awful and actually your daughter doesn't sound safe around him (the sofa) - I would want to leave.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy, I thought as much, very non committal answer to say the least - was a ‘I can’t promise that we will go but not going to say we won’t, because if we don’t I don’t want you saying but you promised’, or in other words ‘you can’t say I’m been selfish and not consider you because I haven’t completely ruled it out (even though I Have) and when I decide not to move you cant moan because I didn’t promise!’. But I’m biding my time to get my ducks in a row, get some more in my savings etc. He is a very convincing person my OH, knows how to say the right things with little or no commitment!

@HollowTalk I’ve started a diary just before the new year after he put on her nappy way too tight and just in general incorrectly ( I don’t even know how to word it but I took a photo because even someone who had never changed a nappy before could tell there was something wrong )! Her safety is a real concern for me so I do everything at the moment.. really trying just to talk him through how to do it all properly because he would still have a right to see her and I need to know he can at least do the basics and keep her safe. At the moment I’m not there!

His apathy towards his own baby is horrifying, a little shit, no concern for her welfare, won't change a nappy, getting up after 10 when on paternity leave, Jesus raise your bar and go, he is only now paying you lip service because he's scared you will actually do it, it won't last, he's fundamentally not a nice person and he can't hide that for long.

I wouldn't trust him around the child, it's like he hates you both, get out of that environment, it's not worth the worry, imagine if something happens, you're pretty much a single parent anyway.

Oh and do absolutely nothing for him, do for you and your baby, let him do his own shit work.