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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay!?

61 replies

Newmummy20181 · 22/12/2018 23:22

Hi, so it is my first time posting on here and looking for a bit of advice!

My DD is 10 weeks old, absolutely in love with her but having so many issues with my partner and have no support as my family live 90minutes away.

My partner had a month off on paternity leave during which he didn’t help out at all, his idea of helping is just holding the baby. He got up after 10am everyday and didn’t/doesn’t help with getting her ready, changing nappies or even with the house work! I pretty much feel like a single mum. On top of this he calls our daughter a ‘little shit’ he says it’s a term of endearment but after having told him I don’t want him speaking to her like that he still does it and if I try and say please don’t he tells me to shut up ( which he says is a joke ). He doesn’t bother getting to figure out what she wants or needs he is more interested in watching tv and would much rather put DD the sofa and not interact than take the time to bond with her. There are other bits but it’s too long to explain.

I’m also keen to move back to where my family is, we are very close and they’re very hands on. I spent my whole pregnancy pretty much with my family as my partner and I originally met in my home town 5 years ago before he decided to move to Surrey but didn’t want me to move with him at the time.. so I stayed in Berkshire. But when I discuss us all moving back he tells me it isn’t happening and that I’d never be able to afford a house back home so good luck trying. Really he just does what he wants so long as he is happy.

I’ve been thinking of giving it a few months to see if he improves, it’s a big life change and not sure if I’m over reacting. If things don’t improve by the time she is 5 months I’m think I’m going to have to leave him! Anyway my question is am I overrating, should I be thinking of leaving him, or should I give him longer than 5months?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 11/01/2019 13:52

@Adora10, I agree - I think my only option is to say it’s over without giving reasons as whenever I do approach him with issues he finds a way or talking around or out of it! I’m very much a quiet person, wasn’t always this way I have definitely toned way down since my early 20s but I need to get the person back!

B.B.cgv

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 11/01/2019 13:56

Only reason I haven’t just left is because I couldn’t imagine someone leaving with my little girl and not saying anything..

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/01/2019 14:05

Only reason I haven’t just left is because I couldn’t imagine someone leaving with my little girl and not saying anything..

This speaks volumes about your character and the fact you are a much nice person than he is.

He has not given you any reason at all to feel obligated into a) Giving him a reason why you're leaving and b) Even telling him before you go. It's not as if you'll prevent him from having a relationship with his daughter (if indeed he can be arsed to have one).

He calls his daughter a little shit.

No child deserves that.

By taking her away, you will be protecting her.

glitterfarts · 11/01/2019 17:57

Seriously - get your family to come and get you on a work day for him - as soon as he leaves for work, dismantle the cot, put it and all baby stuff and all your stuff in the car and go to your parents. Why bother giving him a chance to talk you around. He calls a baby a shithead.

Lets a newborn fall down the side of the couch. Babies DIE this way - they can suffocate.

NONE of this is acceptable.

He's awful.

A month isn't going to improve anything.

Are you breatfeeding?

There is no way a court is going to say a newborn has 50/50 - that is for older children. At best, he'd have visitation for a few hours as a newborn. Surrey to Berks is nothing - he can pop in after work and on the weekend.

Possibly as the baby grows into a toddler, he could have her overnight Saturday etc but it doesn't sound like he'd be interested.

Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 11/01/2019 18:21

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy, I am notorious for being too nice and too loyal even when it has not been reciprocated.

But it’s true I wouldn’t ever stop DD from seeing her dad, if he is willing to step up and be a good dad then great - but I don’t think he can ever really consider anyone else but himself in a relationship as he thinks his word is the final word as he has the money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 11/01/2019 18:44

@glitterfarts, i will most definitely have to if not he’ll find a way of talking around it because he knows more than anything I want DD to have Mummy and Daddy together. Even him saying we need to do more with her, well we could if he wasn’t so damn lazy.. I do a lot with her, but somehow it’s ‘we’ as if I’m part to blame but I digress.

I am breastfeeding, so well that DD flat out refuses bottle feeds (still breast milk)! He has over the last few weeks stopped calling her a little shit, but I’ve got a feeling it’s bevause his ‘mummy’ has told him to stop as opposed to the tonne of times told him not to say it only for him to do it more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 13/01/2019 17:39

Spoke too soon it would seem.. as soon as he thinks he is safe he reverts back

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 13/01/2019 19:41

Oh op, he is a lazy manchild taking you for an absolute mug. Please just go back to your family and surround yourself with love and support.
He may well threaten 50/50 custody but be reasonable, he doesnt do jack shit with her now so it will be an empty threat to get you to stfu.

This is who he is, this is as good as he gets. Pretty shit isn't it?
Go and have a good life without this loserFlowers

MoviesT · 13/01/2019 23:29

I agree with Ruddy, this is likely as good as it gets. What will it be like when your daughter is a bit older...at the moment it’s only your feelings getting hurt. Protect your child.

Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 14/01/2019 18:59

So I’ve left him.. gone back to me family. He is of course trying to threaten court but when he does her nappy like this I can’t see a judge agreeing that it’s in her best interest to be with him 50% of the time.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 14/01/2019 19:28

well done you Flowers

Devon1987 · 14/01/2019 21:54

You have done the right thing for you and your DD. Well done. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/01/2019 10:19

Well done.

He can threaten all he likes. No way with a court award him 50% when you're breastfeeding and chances are he doesn't really want it anyway (given his lack of parenting so far when you were living with him).

He's just saying it as a threat, which again, shows the type of horrible person he is. He doesn't have your DD's best interests at heart, merely his own.

You have absolutely done the right thing by moving back to your family. I am actually really, really happy for you and I don't know you!

Onwards and upwards. Flowers

HollyLM · 15/01/2019 13:04

Amazing news! 100% the right thing! This journey will have its ups and downs now.. but that's part of the healing process! I'm excited for you!!!! Make this the new start you needed! Here to the future! Well done, honestly it takes Courage and you've done it! xxx

category12 · 15/01/2019 13:13

I'm glad you've left.

I read that he bogged off to watch a film while you were in labour and just ShockConfused. Man's an arse.

HollyLM · 18/01/2019 22:15

How are things? x

Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 24/01/2019 10:03

Thank you all for your well wishes!

@HollyLM, a bit up and down to be honest.. he keeps calling about his rights to see his daughter etc but I’ve said to him feel free to see her whenever you want.. I’ll bring her up to you as well but I’m ‘taking his child from him’ which I would never do! But regardless trying to keep strong and moving forwards.

Did you end up leaving your partner if you don’t mind me asking ?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/01/2019 10:13

he keeps calling about his rights to see his daughter etc but I’ve said to him feel free to see her whenever you want

Try and get this in writing too. Has he actually made any effort to visit his DD? You're making it clear he is welcome too and even offering to take her to him... he's just kicking off and causing a fuss because everyone has probably asked him why you've left and he hasn't got a leg to stand on with his behaviour. Keep on keeping on.

Have you had any legal advice yet? It might be worth trying to get a free half-hour with a solicitor.

Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 28/01/2019 19:20

Not really made much effort no, he only seems to want to come on weekends as he works till 6 during the week... hence me offering to bring her to him! Don’t think he is happy that I’m around when he looks after her, but she screams if I’m gone too long although I could probably let him take her on a walk for half an hour.

I do have moments of guilt, where I wonder if I’ve done the right thing.. if he could change.. but I need to keep been strong.

Not called solicitors yet but think I’ll do the half an hour free call!

OP posts:
HollyLM · 31/01/2019 22:03

@Newmummy20181 - sorry for my late reply! I haven't yet no, mentally I've left I'm just preparing myself to physically leave! Im planning to by the end of next week - it feels really scary but I know it's right! How are you? xx

Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 09/02/2019 16:25

@HollyLM, we are ok ish? Still get the Mum guilt, have I done the right thing etc and feeling like I somehow am to blame.. bizarre. But DD is perfectly happy and well.

Hope you’re doing well, one of those things where you just have to do it.. I found the more I thought about leaving the more indecisive I became! You can do this and you deserve to be happy xxx

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Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 12/02/2019 09:28

HELP, now exP is saying he will take DD and not return her as he has PR! Now so worried about leaving DD alone with him, for obvious reasons but also because she is EBF and refuses the bottle.

But I don’t want to stop him from seeing her, she deserves to have her daddy around too.

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CantStopMeNow · 12/02/2019 11:40

I would suggest you get some legal advice asap and get a residency order.
I would only communicate via text/email so you have a rwitten record of his abuse and threats.
You could refuse to let him have unsupervised contact based upon his threats and his lack of care/supervision of your dd.
In fact, if you're going to use his negligent parenting to protect yourself and dd then i's best to offer him supervised contact only for now.
Otherwise it could go against you if you let him have unsupervised access when you know how neglectful and dangerous his behaviour is.
He can take you to court for access - which at this stage won't be much.

Mouseville65 · 12/02/2019 12:09

I hear you saying she needs her daddy and I get that but the man is threatening to take her from you simply to hurt you.
He does not her best interests at heart and you have to protect her. I'd now refuse contact except for in a supervised contact centre and screenshot EVERY threatening message.

Original poster
Newmummy20181 · 14/06/2019 16:59

Hi MNetters,

So thought I’d come back to this old thread so people know the whole story.

Me and ExP are still separated, since are separation he is always saying he misses us and wants us to go home. Now I really feel like I don’t love him anymore and also think he is full of bullshit. The number of times during our relationship that he has been abusive and I didn’t really see it, examples was eating fried bread (bad I know but it’s a guilty pleasure) and he told me I shouldn’t eat anymore, I’m not even big size 10/12 at the time. ‘Joking’ about me needing to wear make up or when a nice waiter at pizza express gave me a mason jar candle I found it on the bin once at home. For some odd reason I never thought he was jealous or controlling but always felt the need to get permission to do things. Now I look back and I think wow how could I be so naive. In my mind I don’t think someone with this personality could ever truly change, at least not without counselling. But I wondered do any of you think he could change.. if we done counselling, or am I best keeping separated and having minimal contact ?

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