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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

8 months of cheating and lies

61 replies

MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 21:44

So I've just found out that my husband, father of my two toddlers, has been having sex with and seeing someone for at least 8 months. He's nearly 40. She's 22. I'm an idiot. There's been many a sign and I've believed all his crap.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do Christmas and I can't believe I let him persuade me I was paranoid and crazy.
That's all.

OP posts:
eatojesy · 22/12/2018 21:51

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It must be one of the worst feelings ever and such a difficult time of year to find out. Presuming you'll be in shock for a while but try and be kind to yourself. It isn't your fault some people are just extremely shitty but you will heal in time Thanks

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 21:56

I don't know what to do. How is this suddenly my decision to make? I know there's only one logical thing to do here but how do I actually do that? So many people will be hurt. I also know this is not my fault but it's so hard.

OP posts:
Ladywahwah · 22/12/2018 22:00

Surviving infidelity is a really good support website

MrsCatE · 22/12/2018 22:02

Sweetheart. You have babies. They will not remember this Christmas. Take care of yourself and f@&k Christmas! Do it in January or whenever. Just get rid of the wanker ex. X

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:04

It's not about the babies, it's my mum. We are going to put on a happy Christmas face for her no matter what it takes.

OP posts:
RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 22/12/2018 22:05

Park the fury about the so-called paranoia. Bank it for another day. It’s in the past. What you need is an action plan for the next few days. Have you told him to go?

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:05

First Christmas she's spent with them, second since my dad died. She needs a good Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:06

No, I really am determined to make it through Christmas first. But he knows that it's over once we've acted through that.

OP posts:
Grasslands123 · 22/12/2018 22:08

Can’t he be ill over Christmas and unable to come with you? I understand why you want to make Christmas good for your Mum, but alcohol, close confinement...I can see it all horribly erupting.

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/12/2018 22:09

I’m so sorry. I was in a similar position to you this time last year. My ex husband was 40 and she was 27. I packed his bag the day I found out and he is still with her.
I won’t lie, it’s been the toughest year of my life but I’m almost at the end of all the ‘firsts’ without him and I can see clearer now than I could when this first happened.
What helped me were my friends, I honestly don’t think I could have done this without them, my family, a counsellor (I self referred), time and my children. They were and still are my reason to keep going and to be strong.
Remember, you are worth more than the value he places on you. You deserve to be someone’s everything, not their ‘good enough’ xx

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:11

I don't think it will erupt. He's terrified about losing it all and we don't drink much around my mum anyway. I think it will just give me a few days to get my head together. (Or bury it in the sand)

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:13

He doesn't want to be with her, I believe that. Losing me will genuinely be losing it all. That's why the back on my mind says we can work through this.
I know we can't, logically. I really do.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 22/12/2018 22:18

I don't believe your mum would want you to keep a face on for her for Xmas, as a mum I couldn't imagine anything less ide like.

Ide tell her and kick him out, then you and your mum make a plan to get through Xmas, it will give her something else to focus on. She would be gutted to know your going through this alone and not telling her. It would make her feel awful op I'm sure.

He doesn t deserve you giving yourself a nervous breakdown carrying this over Xmas.

Tell her then batten down the hatches

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/12/2018 22:18

If he really thought that and believed it he wouldn’t have been sleeping with her. It’s not difficult to not be unfaithful x

Walkerbean16 · 22/12/2018 22:19

Oh lovely, I went through similar this year. Sending you love and strength. Do what is best for you, nobody else. xx

eve34 · 22/12/2018 22:21

You are in shock. And rightly so. Do what you feel you can for the next few days.

Then maybe some time apart and some counselling. If he is genuinely remorseful you can get past this if you want to and he does some hard work. But you have options. Just don't rush into anything right now

I forgave my dp at the time for his affair. We had a young child and we pushed past it. Sadly 10 years on he did it again but for a long time we were happy together and I was able to leave the affair in the past.

Good luck with the next few days.

BirdieInTheHand · 22/12/2018 22:22

How awful.

You won't be able to fake it for your mum. At the very least she'll know something is "off" and that will cause her to worry.

If you really can't face getting rid before Christmas then the smartest option would be for him to be confined to bed with flu. But really think about why you're doing this.

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:23

I know he wouldn't. I really do. It isn't difficult and that's the bottom line.

If we just go with the carrying on with Christmas thing (I know what you're saying but I want to), what do I do after that? My childcare daily costs exactly what I earn (two children, neither funded, most expensive part of the country). I know I can't make this about money. But how do I do it?

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CajunShrimp · 22/12/2018 22:25

Oh I’m so sorry. You poor thing. I felt like you this time 8 months ago.

I understand you wanting to keep it together for the toddlers. Be strong - stronger than your lying cheat of a husband - and get rid of him after Christmas. You know deep down you can’t work it out and it’s better for the little ones in the long run.

CajunShrimp · 22/12/2018 22:29

Re the money - remember even if you seperate, he will still be paying the childcare costs too etc. You will work it out. x

eve34 · 22/12/2018 22:32

On the money front he has to pay 17% of his salary for child support. As a minimum.

You can put in a claim for tax credits/uc. They will cover up to 85% of your child care costs.

letsdolunch321 · 22/12/2018 22:32

So sorry to read your situation. He has said he don’t want to be with her ...... he is deluding himself for 8mths he has been having sex with her ... he didn’t give any thought to you or your dcs at this time. 8 bloody months of doing what he wanted.

Course he doesn’t want to upset his perfect life of having a younger woman on the side and a loving wife/children at home.

Please do not believe his crap and DO NOT blame yourself, he knew what he was doing .... No one maDe him do it. Show him the door, no way should he be able to play happy families on Christmas day

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 22:37

Thanks for all of your replies. I'm going to try and sleep now but I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Thisisit777 · 22/12/2018 22:43

I’m so sorry. You did NOT deserve this.

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 23/12/2018 09:37

Is there any way back from this? Or would I be kidding myself?

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