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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

8 months of cheating and lies

61 replies

MerryFuuckingChristmas · 22/12/2018 21:44

So I've just found out that my husband, father of my two toddlers, has been having sex with and seeing someone for at least 8 months. He's nearly 40. She's 22. I'm an idiot. There's been many a sign and I've believed all his crap.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do Christmas and I can't believe I let him persuade me I was paranoid and crazy.
That's all.

OP posts:
Weirdlookingbricks · 23/12/2018 09:41

Kidding yourself sorry. From personal experience.

lamoona · 23/12/2018 09:48

Horrendous that a husband would do that to his wife and mother of his children. I'm so sorry op.

Really hate seeing people make a statement about the age difference though, I'm 23 and DP is 38. We are expecting our first child. The age gap is not the issue. Him being a cheating scum bag is.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/12/2018 10:02

Op, you KNOW this is over. Please dont waste years on this cheating, lying scumbag until he (inevitably) does it again.
Tax credits and child support from him and you will cope. Plus as a mum, if my daughter was in your situation and would be by your side, willing to help in any way. You will manage, promiseFlowers

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/12/2018 10:11

Really hate seeing people make a statement about the age difference though, I'm 23 and DP is 38. We are expecting our first child. The age gap is not the issue. Him being a cheating scum bag is.

@lamoona it’s not the age gap per se, but it’s seems to be a common theme that men approaching ‘mid-life’ seem to dump their wife’s/partners and kids for a much younger woman. I have personal experience of this and know a lot more who have too. If you meet your partner as a free agent (and they are too) then I don’t particularly have a problem with age gaps but being left for someone 13 years younger (in my case), with no kids when you have given the last 20 years of your life to that person stings a bit.

Onwardsandupdwards · 23/12/2018 10:14

You’re not the idiot, he is.

I would suggest he gets flu & spends the entire Christmas period in his bedroom whilst you & the kids have a lovely time with your Mum.

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 23/12/2018 13:15

I really wasn't meaning age gaps in general are an issue, there was nearly 20 years between my parents for example. But it does add to the cliche somewhat and add to the feeling of not being good enough.
He is now going along the lines of how we both lost sight of our relationship since the children. Both. As in this could be to an extent my fault. Apparently I haven't hugged him or told him what a great dad he is enough. Obviously the logical answer to that is to start shagging someone else. Why didn't I think of that??

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 23/12/2018 13:55

Yep, my husband did the same thing. A couple of weeks before I actually found out about his affair he told me he wasn’t happy, I don’t let him go out enough (he went out kids and I never once tried to stop him but maybe didn’t get excited at the thought of another night out with him coming home all hours), all the cliches.
They do this to ease their guilt and to have a story to tell other people so they don’t seem as much of a bad guy for having an affair.
Did he tell you often what a great mum you are? No, of course he didn’t.
YOU know how your marriage was and that’s all that matters x

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/12/2018 13:56

*loads, not kids 🙄

DelphiniumBlue · 23/12/2018 14:10

I think a lot of men find it hard having their partners attention focused away from them, and some use this as self serving justification for an affair or for behaving like a prat. The problem is, that it is actually quite hard to continue to love and respect a man who has behaved like a spoilt brat, or to trust them.
So you may well find that there is no way back, that he had diminished himself in your eyes forever.
You don't have to make any immediate decision s; it might be best to get proper advice on your financial situation first.
Don't hide it from your mum, she'll be hurt when she finds out later. Give her a chance to support you.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 23/12/2018 14:11

I’m so sorry OP. This is awful. He should be ashamed of himself.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 14:13

He is doing the classic cheaters thing of making his affair somehow your fault. Honestly they all perform to The Cheaters Script.

A drunken one night stand could possibly be worked through - EIGHT MONTHS of him getting his dick wet elsewhere? Nope.

Heartofglass21 · 23/12/2018 14:20

It is not your fault that he sought solace with someone else, and don't ever accept that you might have caused his infidelity. Most men don't start shagging someone else because their wives don't tell them what a great dad they are, and hugging them. FFS, he's a lying cheat and, yes, you probably could work through this, but you will never forget that he deceived you both emotionally and physically for a long period of time. He's just contrite because he's been caught.

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/12/2018 14:27

Can you imagine him pre-affair saying "you don't tell me I'm a great dad so I'm going to fuck someone else"?

No, you can't. So it's hardly a reason is it? He wanted to live a double life and is only worried now about losing you.

Itwasatuesday · 23/12/2018 14:27

So sorry OP. I found out my DH was having an affair in Sept. She was younger and he was adamant he didn't want to be with her. The difference was it was 4 weeks of emotional only and he had called it off when she asked for it to go physical. I know this as he showed me all their texts and I found out by over hearing him talking to her friend refusing any contact with OW. As far as affairs go you could call it minor BUT it is still devastating and has changed everything. I am still here but I don't know if we will make it.

8 months of sex is a long time to lie and to be withdrawn from family life. The fact he's making it partly your fault as well is not on. HIS choice, no matter how distant you were, was to shag someone else. HIS CHOICE, do not let him shift blame, he has to own it, he has to be 100% transparent and he has to cut contact. This is the minimum and if he's not doing that don't waste your time. I am so sorry. Even when they do everything recommended you can't be sure you will ever heal. Awful time to find out. Do what you have to do get through it, don't force yourself, or let anyone else force you into a decision as your mind and emotions are going to be all over the place for a long time. Flowers

looondonn · 23/12/2018 14:32

Do not give him a chance

Do not

I really think you are better off without a cheat

How dare he!!!!

oiiiiiii · 23/12/2018 14:43

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I think sometimes there is a chance of coming back from this kind of thing.

However if he's already blameshifting onto you... I'm really sorry. It's going to get worse from here and I don't want that for you. If it were me - and I appreciate how hard this is for you, I left with toddlers myself - but if it were me I'd make a clean break as soon as humanly possible.

I also did the Christmas performance that year for relatives who were stressed, I wanted to give them a good Christmas etc. I know exactly how you feel. I won't tell you not to do it but I will tell you, take care of yourself.

Robin2323 · 23/12/2018 15:57

You can get past this.
Seen it s few times but 9 of 10 people would tell you to LTB.

But you have a lot of work to do and it will take time.

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 23/12/2018 16:46

I don't think I want to. I've asked him for details which have made me feel disgusted by him and his behaviour/timings and I'm fairly sure there's no way back from that. I need Christmas to get my head together and then I can make plans. But someone who is able to do what he's done then lie and lie and lie about it isn't the kind of person I want to be with. Not even for the sake of the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 23/12/2018 16:48

And I really can't get past him knowing I was questioning my mental health because I'd become so paranoid and untrusting. And letting me continue to think that because he was too much of a coward to tell me the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 23/12/2018 16:49

PS I found out because she came round and told me and he was left with no choice.

OP posts:
Doobee · 23/12/2018 17:02

If I was your mum I’d be devastated to know you were a) keeping all this from me and b) suffering a Christmas Day lie/trauma on behalf of giving me a good day. That’s not what family is about and your mum isn’t a toddler. She’s an adult. My mum would never forgive me if I didn’t go round and tell her personally and lean on her at this, the worst possible time. She certainly would not entertain that disgusting liar being anywhere near her after doing this to her daughter and that is the right of it. Please take a breath and rethink the Christmas Day charade. This is your life and that’s much more important than a day about a fictional bloke in a red suit. Please go and tell your mum and work out a Christmas plan with her. Cut him out for the day and make him spend it on his own. If he behaves like this then there are consequences and they start now.

beerandpopcorn · 23/12/2018 17:29

Totally agree with Doobee!

supersop60 · 23/12/2018 17:32

If I were your mum, I'd want to know so I could support you. Your DH must suddenly be taken ill and miss Christmas.
After that, get some practical help IRL about what to do next. Even if he regrets this, he needs to feel the full consequence of his actions.
He needs to leave.
So sorry this has happened to you.

Musti · 23/12/2018 18:07

I would tell your mum. You need her support and she won't thank you for keeping it from her and pretending when she finds out. Have a lovely Christmas with her and your kids and the cheating bastard can spend it by himself.

Original poster
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 23/12/2018 22:09

He's not coming with us and I'll tell her tomorrow. I've seen some messages that have shaken me out of the denial I've been in. Fuck him. His fault. Not mine.

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