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Original poster

Did she lie about being on contraception?

91 replies

UKDad · 22/12/2018 12:16

So before my daughter was conceived my ex said she was on the birth control pill. But she stated she was buying it from the pharmacist because she didn't have time to get a repeat prescription. I've recently been told that it's not possible to get birth control pills without a prescription. So I've essentially signed up here because I thought women would be better able to tell me about the BC pill than blokes on my blokey forums. Is this possible or was she lying?

We broke up and surprisingly, to me at least, she came back pregnant. She said she'd been sick a few weeks before and I took her back out of a sense of responsibility.

Roll on a few years and she wants to try for a child. We have an argument and decide against it. 2 or 3 months roll on when shes supposedly on birth control and now she's pregnant again.

Now let's say she is lying for Child 1, well Child 2 could be conceived on birth control I suppose. It's plausible. But if she did lie about Child 1, it's likely she lied again. Plus she would taken offense at the second child being called an accident and always state our second child was planned because we initially planned it and I would argue, 'well no it wasn't because we changed our mind and you went on birth control again'.

I'm happy to be a father none the less but she went on to betray me and ruined my life through several callous actions. I'm just curious which things were pre-meditated and which weren't.

OP posts:
GloomyMonday · 23/12/2018 07:13

OP, contraception does fail but as pp said, it seems to fail a lot more for women who want children when their partner doesn't. I know several women who have done this in marriages for second or third children that their husbands didn't want.

Two contraception failures seems unlikely to me, as does regularly paying to purchase them online. But you'll never know for sure so I agree with everyone who has said that you need to enjoy your gorgeous children and put any misgivings or bitterness behind you.

People saying that it's your fault for not wearing a condom are wrong imo. This wasn't a casual relationship or one night stand, but a committed long term relationship. You should have been able to trust her. You made a contraception decision between you, and I expect she'd have been hugely offended if you'd continued wearing a condom because you didn't trust her. Lying about contraception is wrong, whoever does the lying. If she stopped taking the pill to intentionally get pregnant, without your permission, then she is the one wholly in the wrong. You were daft for trusting her I guess, but she was the one heinously in the wrong.

Dimsumlosesum · 23/12/2018 07:20

As a woman, when I absolutely did NOT want children, I ensured I took what protection I could to ensure this didn't happen. It's not a case of not "trusting" my partner with his condoms, it's knowing that contraception isn't 100%.

FixTheBone · 23/12/2018 07:35

I'm with gloommonday and swingofthings for offering a sense of balance and perspective. In a loving and committed relationship, the responsibility is shared.

How is it that if a man 'stealths' his partner its literally rape, but if a woman sneakily stop birth control nobody bats an eyelid?

anniehm · 23/12/2018 08:09

There's places (in London at least) with a private gp walk in service and pharmacy. But bc is free on normal nhs prescription. I take it you are in the U.K..

safetyfreak · 23/12/2018 08:19

Omg the hatred directed at this man! I am guessing they had an conversation about birth control and they made an JOINT decision she be on the pill.

Many women have 'acidents' when it comes to the pill. It happened to my brother recently, he now has a lovely baby girl but is not with the mother. She got pregnant 'on the pill' suprise eh Hmm

OP you need to be more careful who you can trust having unprotected sex with. Your first child was the warning so really this is your own fault at this point as you chose to ignore that.

GloomyMonday · 23/12/2018 08:27

"It's not a case of not "trusting" my partner with his condoms, it's knowing that contraception isn't 100%."

Yes of course. Most people realise that contraception isn't 100%. Most people know that there is a risk of pregnancy every time you have sex, and make their choices accordingly. But the risk is a hell of a lot higher if one person unilaterally chooses not to use contraception at all.

LadyPasserine · 23/12/2018 08:42

I suspect your partner wanted children UKDad and they were not accidents.

We all make choices. You can forge great relationships with your children both in their young lives and until the earliest of you die. Why waste what life you have being bitter. You have no time to lose.

It is not clear how your life has been destroyed, but if it was because of the length of time you were with your ex again that was your choice. You have the future so get on and live it.

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 23/12/2018 08:52

When I was in my early twenties I worked with at least 3 women who openly admitted to lying about taking the pill in order to 1) get pregnant and 2) make him put a ring on it.

It worked in all 3 cases.

I also know people who fell pregnant on the pill and with the coil and they were definitely not planned pregnancies. Especially when my friend had 10 month old twins Grin and her pill failed. I never knew someone could cry for so long. It was devastating.

Dh and I used 2 forms of contraception to avoid pregnancy before we were ready to try for a baby. But most people don't. They just use one.

I think trying to figure out if she lied will tie you up in knots. It doesn't matter, just be a great dad.

Disneydoll12 · 23/12/2018 09:08

Yes women lie all the time to get pregnant. I know of many who have managed to get relationships out of men who had no real interest initially, just because their pill 'failed'.

Sadly I think it's extremely common. Also there are women who just want a baby. I'm always doubtful of the failed contraception tales when the women seems delighted to be pregnant for a near stranger!

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 23/12/2018 09:28

You can buy it online and have been able to for a few years now. None of us can tell you whether your ex did that or whether she was lying to you. They are both possibilities.

Why, if she had previously conceived whilst apparently on the pill, did you think it was a good idea to continue relying on the pill for your contraception? If I were you I would insist on condoms with any future partner, unless you are actively trying to conceive of course.

Dimsumlosesum · 23/12/2018 09:30

But the risk is a hell of a lot higher if one person unilaterally chooses not to use contraception at all

Not the point I was making at all. Sigh. I don't get it. I don't get how you can't understand that if you want to 100% be sure you don't produce life, an actual human life, you take responsibility for yourself.

For ( a clumsy) example, if a woman is partnered with a man and not married and the man PROMISES he will always financially look after her, she'll always have a roof over her head, just trust him 100%, do you nod and smile and say yes, great, he's promised, so she should absolutely trust him now! If it goes to shit people don't say "aw poor woman, she should've absolutely been able to trust him to look after her always 100% without taking any steps herself to ensure she will be able to support herself".

FFS, this is why there is so much discussion on women protecting themselves financially so they don't get left with nothing in the event of a split. Why oh why do men get free reign with something as important as creating a WHOLE NEW HUMAN LIFE? Why do people not give the same advice to men, "you need to absolutely make sure you take your protection into your own hands, and not leave it up to someone else"? Just because he loves the feel of no condoms, that means he gets absolved of all and and any responsibilty just because someone said "trust me?" Are you serious? Jesus.

Jaxtellerswife · 23/12/2018 09:32

A lot of these replies are disgusting. If she lied she performed a version of stealthing and tricked OP.
You should be able to believe your partner particularly about birth control

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 23/12/2018 09:44

It's not just an issue of belief. Even if the partner was telling the truth and OP believed her and was correct to do so, it's still worth asking why rely on a contraceptive method that had already let them down once.

SandyY2K · 23/12/2018 09:49

It's a case of women blindly defending women on MN. Even to the point of a pop calling the OP a twat. How ridiculous and immature.

Women have lied about being on the pill and will continue to lie till the end of time.

I have a friend who never wanted a child and used to not only use condoms....but would take it a d discard in the outside trash after sex.

I thought it was rather extreme... but I can see why he did it. As it's not unheard of for a woman to retrieve the used condom and put the sperm inside herself.

One of his Ex GFs wanted a baby...and told me he guards his sperm like Fort Knox. If it was down to her... there would have been a contraception failure...100%.

If you can't trust your partner .. there's no point being with them IMO.

TacoLover · 23/12/2018 09:53

The utter hypocrisy on this threadHmm wouldn't be the same responses if a man lied about using a condom or having a vasectomy would itHmm

swingofthings · 23/12/2018 09:55

OP says he is happy to be a father. He didn't walk out and left to bring them up alone. Getting pregnant wasn't the end of the world. I expe ct this is not about coming to terms with being a dad when you assumed this wouldn't happen. It is about finding out your partner openly lied about an action they took that impacted on both without consideration of his feelings. It's a very selfish act regardless of the fact that the person ends up happy with the act. It's about the relationship and what it says about it of someone is prepared to such lie to get their way, who knows what else they might lie about to get their way.

homegrownmumma · 23/12/2018 10:02

You can buy it on Superdrug pharmacy online and it's delivered the next day

SandyY2K · 23/12/2018 10:51

@Tacolover

The utter hypocrisy on this threadhmm wouldn't be the same responses if a man lied about using a condom or having a vasectomy would it

This 100%.

But this hypocrisy is nothing new on MN. Not by a long shot.

GloomyMonday · 23/12/2018 19:13

Dimsum the mistake you're making about me is assuming that I don't understand you. Hence your rather nauseating posting style complete with a dramatic 'sigh' and a comical 'Jesus'. I understand you, I just disagree. It is allowed I believe.

PremierNaps · 23/12/2018 19:28
  1. Yes you can buy the pill I buy it from Lloyds Pharmacy online and pick it up in store
  1. Use a condom!
Kennycalmit · 23/12/2018 19:34

Ahhh surprise surprise a man comes on here and despite being totally innocent he still ends up taking the flack.
How many of you can honestly say hand on heart you’ve been on the pill AND used condoms?!

Get off your high horses and accept that women aren’t dainty little princesses who never do anything wrong. Men aren’t always to blame ffs

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 23/12/2018 19:42

Normally if you don’t want a baby you make the joint decision to double up, pill and barrier. Almost 100% then.

GloomyMonday · 23/12/2018 19:48

Or you make the joint decision to accept the 10% risk (or whatever it is) of only using the contraceptive pill.

Bit shit to unilaterally increase this to 100% risk by stopping contraceptive pill altogether.

m0vinf0rward · 23/12/2018 20:10

If you have doubts about paternity...get DNA tests done. They're not expensive nowadays. If I broken up with someone and they suddenly came back pregnant a few weeks later, I'd sure a he'll want a test for my own peace of mind.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 23/12/2018 20:22

How many of you can honestly say hand on heart you’ve been on the pill AND used condoms?!

I certainly wouldn't rely on the pill as a sole method if I'd already conceived once on it.