I can't cope any more. He can't handle his job any more and it's killing us. We've discussed all possibilities of changing jobs, changing hours, rearranging our lives, and nothing will result in everybody being happy. Apart from winning the lottery and quitting work, of course.
His job is better paid than mine, but will never make him a millionaire. Mine is highly specialised but lower paid, and I went part time when we had kids. It'll be impossible for us to financially manage if we swapped and he went part-time, and he's not convinced he'll be significantly less stressed with fewer hours. A career change is possible, but he has no idea what he would want to do. Me going full-time and him staying at home also wouldn't be financially viable.
One of the problems is, I think he's beginning to resent me and resent my life. I love my job, and I'm good at it, so although I'm pressured at work, it doesn't stress me out too much. I also don't bring work home, whereas he works at home five nights a week at least. I do all the household stuff because he's busy. He deals with finances and does childcare pick up and drop off on my working days. That's his only time with the kids all week, and he's now saying he doesn't want to do it any more so he could stay at work. He's saying he wishes he'd known how much hard work three kids would be and maybe re-thought family plans. Well, I'm sorry for accidentally getting pregnant with twins, and I was the reluctant one when it came to having more than one child. He was keen, I was much less so. He thinks my days not in work and days off for me. They're not. With school runs, food shopping, washing, entertaining toddlers and other household stuff, they're really not.
I have more flexibility with annual leave, and although I cover all childcare gaps and most kids sick days (he can't really take leave, his holidays are at specific times) because I save some days for emergencies, I get the occasional one to myself if those emergencies don't happen. He hates that and never lets me forget it, to the extent I've considered not telling him I've got a day off and leaving for work as normal and then doing whatever I like. But I don't like deception. I've told him to take himself off for a weekend away to recharge, but no. He needs a fortnight to recharge, which is obviously impossible.
I don't know what to do any more. He resents me, he resents my job, he resents that I gave us more children than planned. I can't ever be ill or tired, because if I say I am, it's all "welcome to my world." I know his job is stressful, I know he feels ill more than he should do, but I feel that me and the kids are being forgotten in all his problems. He's angry, on edge, disengaged and it's like walking on eggshells. We barely speak in the evenings because he's just incapable. Or unwilling, I'm never sure which.
I know I made the vows, and I said for better or worse, but surely that comes with a caveat of feeling like you're actually in a marriage. I don't. It's like sharing a flat with someone who you've ended up having pets (children) with whose care you have to share. Nothing more. I don't want my marriage to end, but I can't see a way through these problems. But splitting up wouldn't solve anything either.